Superstition

Firstly, a re-cap.

Rampants are deeply superstitious. Back in the early 2007 season it was discovered that if any one of us left the vicinity of their computer when Surrey were batting, a wicket would fall. This happened with frightening regularity. It had absolutely zero to do with dodgy batting or exceptional bowling: the entire Surrey innings was held together by the collective will of the Rampants, and whether or not any of us needed to retreat for a comfort break. It got rather ridiculous (not to mention uncomfortable) at various points in proceedings. If a wicket fell and we all protested our innocence we knew that Liz had got up to make a cup of tea.

To this day, whenever a Surrey batsman gets out when set for a big score, an electronic cry of “who moved” is screeched out via the magic of the internet. Working on this theory, mea culpa, I managed to get Ramps out at least three times in 2007. God knows what his average would have been like if none of us had left their computers all day. Although I think there would have been a lot of hungry husbands and children left scratching their heads, wondering where dinner was...

The Rampants also like to bestow nicknames on those who they feel have earned it. By that I mean those who have wormed their way into their collective affections, for better or worse. James Benning became the ‘Six Beast’ on account of his love of great, big booming sixes into the OCS stand. Jon Batty (much missed, I have to say) was the ‘Hedgepig’ on account of his rather wonderful hairstyle. And Scott Newman, ex of Surrey and now of Middlesex, was known as Pandora. Although it’s probably better not to enquire why...

This year’s squad additions haven’t yet inspired us to bestow them with any nicknames, but we’re hoping they will do something spectacular to make them stand out (and to give them a unique moniker to boot). We’ve noted many on the BBC message boards have started referring to Rory Hamilton-Brown as ‘Hyphen’. Wish we’d come up with that one. RHB was the best we could do in terms of speed-typing, but we reckoned that made him look like a medium-soft pencil. We toyed with ‘skipper’ but, in the words of Red Dwarf’s Arnold Rimmer, that brought to mind “a boy and his bush kangaroo.” If he’d been from New South Wales rather than deepest Surrey it may have had possibilities.

Rampants also tend to bring their cameras along to the Oval when the chance arises. I should point out that this is a non-stalkerish thing. We don’t spend the entire four days trying to take pictures of Ramps, because we learned very quickly it was pointless to do so. Generally, if we are sat in the Wedlake Bell family enclosure, the great man is fielding as close to the Gasometer as is humanly possible. In fact I think virtually on the Gasometer. No, our cameras are usually snapping happily away in random fashion at all the team members. And the upshot of it is, no matter what we do, we always end up with extremely dodgy photos of Chris Schofield. Even when we are trying to take pictures of Andre Nel.

Devotion knows no bounds amongst us. Not all of us are Surrey supporters: we have a smattering of Somerset, Worcestershire/Warwickshire, Lancashire, Kent, Hampshire and Middlesex supporters in our midst. To the extent where, during the championship-deciding Surrey/Lancs game in 2007, she who we fondly consider our founding member threatened to tend her resignation on account of Mr Ramprakash taking a very neat catch to dismiss Laxman for 100! Those of us who do support Surrey proved their metal in the final game of 2009 when, desperate to hear the fabulous Mark Church and Johnny Barran via the radio, they were reduced to sharing one single blue earpiece amongst five!

Rampants also like cakes. Cricket and cakes just go so well together: it’s almost ritualistic, as if harking back to the last vestiges of a civilised age. I bet W.G.Grace was fond of a slice of Battenberg. And I’ve seen one or two players down the years that look as if they’re not scared of a jam roly-poly. You’ll note I’m not mentioning names here: this is because I’m not looking to be unkind or controversial on this blog. But mostly because I’m a coward and don’t wish to be sued for defamation of character.

Anyhow, back to cakes. It seems that the greatest honour a cricketer can have bestowed, other than a knighthood for walking the length of the British Isles raising cash for good causes and doing their bit for blister awareness, is to have a cake named after them. So, in time honoured tradition, we have come up with a ‘hundred hundreds’ cake for Mr Ramprakash, as created by one of the ‘McRampants’ (Scottish Branch). It’s a sort of coffee based creation with lots of icing and, fittingly, covered in hundreds and thousands. Probably best decorated with a huge ‘77’ on it. We’re currently working on a ‘commentators’ cake for Messers Church & Barran. I won’t be attempting to make this one as it strikes me that live commentary and listeria do not make for a good combination.

Finally, a return to the small matter of superstition. Before watching a game of cricket, the Rampants believe it is very good to drink gin. However, it should either be taken neat (in the Scottish tradition) or alternatively poured straight down your front which, I believe, is an old, quaint custom from Saint Ives...