Monday 27 June 2011

Poetry Corner: Sun and the Rain

In Colchester there was much rain
The skipper, Maynard and De Bruyn
Could only pray that it might cease
Both teams allowed one point apiece
Their prayers in vain.

At Beckenham there was much sun
And no escape for anyone
A Surrey massacre ensued
Van Jaarsveld and Azhar Mahmood
Both had their fun.

A game is drawn, a game is lost
Whilst Church & Barran count the cost
Of sitting in the burning rays; apropos
A blistered, red and glowing nose
Their skin embossed!

Thursday 23 June 2011

A tribute to Sarah

We lost our wonderful ‘Sarah Bear’ yesterday.

On occasions like this, when the injustice of losing such a special person strikes deep, those who are left behind to mourn find comfort in each other. Everyone who knew Sarah loved her. She was a very calm, gentle soul and totally without malice. She was dignity personified, especially during the illness which eventually took her from us. And above all else she was an extremely caring, thoughtful person who always put other people before her.

Sarah was a big fan of Warwickshire county cricket club, hence her nickname ‘Bear’, and was dedicated to supporting them. But it was through the 2006 series of Strictly Come Dancing that we first got to know her, as we all came together in a wonderful fusion of cricket and dance, cheering on a certain batsman whilst laughing and joking on the forums. It hurts incredibly to think that both Sarah and Dee, so active on the forums and such a big part of our community, are now lost to us.

I count myself much blessed to have met with Sarah three times in the last five years. Some knew her far better than I and most assuredly feel her loss even more keenly. Yet it is a tribute to how highly regarded Sarah was amongst us that even those who were not fortunate enough to have met her in person are reeling from the horrible news.

A month ago I sent Sarah a little Teddy Bear in a pink hoodie, with the slogan ‘Lovely Sarah Bear rocks’.

Our lovely Sarah will always rock.

xxx

Wednesday 22 June 2011

You've got to be Gidding...




Ah. Well...not too sure I’ll be writing any celebratory poems about the fabulous Surrey victory over Gloucestershire at the Oval.

Mostly because we lost.

It was a thrilling game from a listening point of view, mostly because it was fairly twisty turny in nature. These always make for the most interesting matches, but whilst the ability to capitalise on these unpredictable games and win through in the end is vital – as was the case in the Derbyshire game – until Surrey learn to steamroller opposition into submission from the start and boss the game, like the best sides, they’re not going to be consistent enough to be promoted. We may win the odd game here and there and ride our luck, but it’s not the stuff that champions are made of.

I was only disappointed in terms of the fact Gloucestershire have gone above Surrey in the championship. As I said, it was a fabulous game – and but for captain Gidman’s fine innings it may very well have gone the other way. In fact, until the last three quarters of an hour Surrey may well have been favourites to roll Gloucestershire over. But at the end of the day neither side made an especially large total of runs, save from the match winning contribution of the aforementioned Gidman, de Bruyn (66) in the first innings and Ramps in the second (75).

I felt a wee bit sorry for Matthew Dunn. Having been drafted in to the side on the back of his fantastic effort in the last championship game, the young man was hardly tossed the ball. I hope this doesn’t knock his confidence, but provided Surrey persevere and nurture his talent I don’t see why he shouldn’t continue in the same line as his wonderful debut.

Surrey’s fielding was a tad erratic; I think it would be fair to say. Having singled this aspect out as the one area in which the most improvement had been made in recent years there was some sloppy work on display from the home side, along with some tough chances put down and the odd dolly dropped. Whilst I wouldn’t go as far as to say it cost us the game, when you consider how tight it was at the hinder end you can’t help but wonder what might have happened if the skipper had managed to hang on to that Gidman catch on the third (and last) day. Poor Maynard also had a torrid time in the field and with the bat. He put down two catches and made a total of 3 runs over both innings.

Runs were definitely hard to come by, especially on that second day when the cloud cover came down. I had the fantastic experience of listening to de Bruyn and Ramps toughing it out via my new phone. I can see it’s going to be an expensive but worthwhile little gadget to have, especially at work! I’m hoping that second innings will play the man himself into some form. It’s not that he’s been in bad nick, but the new seamer-friendly Oval wickets are not really doing the batsmen any favours. Ironic, considering the amount of time I’ve wished that we could have some wickets which would improve the chance of a result being obtained. Now I kind of wish we could go back to how it was!

To indicate how difficult batting was (I’m using only the Surrey batsmen here) I’m posting the scores obtained in two innings:

Roy: 40 + 2 = 42

Hamilton-Brown: 1 + 26 = 27

Ramprakash: 30 + 75 = 105

De Bruyn: 66 + 13 = 79

Davies: 1 + 14 = 15

Maynard: 3 + 0 = 3

Batty: 2 + 23 = 25

Arafat: 44 + 8 = 52

Dernbach: 19 + 7 = 26

Linley: 12 + 1 = 13

Dunn: 0 + 0 (not out both times)

The standout performances were de Bruyn and Ramps, and from the highlights I have to say I think the latter seems to be running a bit better between the wickets. Hopefully as the season goes on the better his knee will feel (mind you, if he did want to aim for a miraculous recovery then the Kent game next month would be quite good, as there will be a small Rampant presence at the Oval that match)! I also have to give credit to Arafat who looked confident and more than useful with both bat and ball this game. Fingers crossed he can continue in this fashion as he’s come in for a little disparagement in certain quarters for a less than overwhelming start to his career as a Surrey player. Personally, I always say if I can’t do better myself it’s probably inadvisable to throw criticisms around.

Doesn’t stop me catching myself doing it from time to time though. Hey-ho: nobody’s perfect!

Whilst nobody covered themselves in glory it is difficult to pinpoint which of the many factors contributed most of all to the defeat. If one or two more batsmen had taken their time rather than throw their wickets away, perhaps a greater total might have been reached. If those catches had been held maybe inroads could have been made upon the Gloucestershire batsmen. If the sun had – literally – shone on the Surrey batsmen for longer instead of hiding behind perpetual grey cloud whenever one of their number wandered down the steps, batting may have been a less thankless task. So many variables...

But, such is the fickle nature of cricket. A sneaky win would have had all the moaners and groaners rubbing their hands with glee. Dropped catches would be put to one side. There would be no complaining about the wicket, or batsmen getting out to silly shots. The only note of castigation would be regarding the price of the Oval beer! People are only happy if they are winning. Very few will be level-headed enough to give Gidman the praise he deserves or refrain from denouncing Chris Adams as the second coming of Satan.

The question, of course, is not whether the fans can quickly get over the second loss in the season...but can the team?

And in the meantime, if people need a reason to be cheerful, may I direct them to the lovely photo at the top of the page?

Saturday 18 June 2011

Poetry Corner: A Christmas Tale

Not very seasonal, I have to confess! But all the same I did enjoy penning this poem. I want to make it perfectly clear, because I have no wish to be taken to task for defamation of character, that to my certain knowledge none of the people whose names pop up in this ditty behave remotely like this in real life. Although given the recent Lord's 'windowgate' maybe not...

At the time this was written the late, great Bill Frindall was great and not late, and Kevin Pietersen had not yet been relieved of his 'head boy' responsibilities. Which is why it all seems a little dated now! Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it, and if you are Phil Tuffnell, Mark Ramprakash, Freddie Flintoff and especially Mike Gatting, please don't sue me...

A Christmas Tale


T’was the night before Christmas
And down in the pub
The cricketers sat down
To cheap booze and grub.

The WAGs all gyrated
To bad karaoke.
Whilst Tuffers attempted
A poor hokeycokey.

It was a night of celebratory fun
And back slapping.
The applause rang out
In continuous clapping.

Butch stood on a table
Conducting the tunes
Played by his team mates
On their knees, using spoons.

In the midst of their chorus
There came a loud swoosh
In the chimney stood a man
With a beard like a bush.

A jolly old soul
With a nose red from drink.
And a belly that had no
Inclination to shrink.

The cricketers stood open mouthed
In surprise.
It looked as if Santa
Had scoffed lots of pies!

The big fellow in red stood
All aglow from the kindle.
“Don’t you know who I am?”
Tuffers answered. “Bill Frindall?”

He exclaimed, “I am Santa!
There’s no need to fear.
I’ve come to imbibe
And spread good Christmas cheer!”

“I have presents,
For all you young cricketing scamps.”
He looked down at his list
And then asked “Which is Ramps?”

A timid young man
Slowly raised his right hand.
Santa asked “Are you really
The best in the land?”

“You’re joking!” Laughed Warnie.
“He’s never the best!
Any fool can wear sequins
And puff out his chest!”

“Ah, shuddup!” Exclaimed Tuffers.
“You loud-mouthed buffoon!”
And he pulled down his trousers
And gave his best moon.

The more that Ramps squinted
The more he felt certain
It was someone he knew
Dressed in a red curtain!

The large, jolly figure
Delved around in his sack
And pulled out a long parcel
From amidst a great stack.

He said, “I know what you want;
It will help with your batting.”
And then Ramps clicked his fingers.
And declared. “You’re Mike Gatting!”

Santa shushed his young friend
With a raise of his brow.
His cover was blown
But he wanted no row.

Ramps gave a loud whoop
And held up his present
The handle felt comfy
The grip was quite pleasant.

“A brand new Gray-Nicholls,
Exactly your thing.”
Santa warned, “However, take off
both the paper and string!”

The cricketer swished
With his bat in his hand
He was surely the greatest
In all Eng-er-land!

He thought, “Santa Gatting’s
A very fine bloke.”
And removed Murray Goodwin’s right leg
With one stroke.

A cry came from behind
“Hey, what about me?”
“What’s your name?” Asked Santa.
The reply came “KP!”

Santa looked down his list.
“Do you deserve a new toy?”
“But of course!” Cried young Kevin.
“I am the head boy!”

Tuffers was sniffling.
“I’m not on the list.
This party is rubbish
And Santa is pissed!”

“There, there!” Soothed Santa,
As he looked round the halls.
“What was it you wanted?”
Tuffers cried “balls!”

Nel glared with the warmth
Of a predatory hunter.
“I’ll have those, thanks.
One for me, one for Gunther.”

One by one all the cricketers
Clamoured for gifts.
And then all the counties
Began to show rifts.

Whose presents were better?
Whose bats were more flash?
Who had shinier willow
Than Mark Ramprakash.

The Middlesex players
All huddled together
They jumped on poor Sussex
To give them a leather.

Kent turned on Essex
And Hants, in a hurry.
Whilst everyone banded
Together ‘gainst Surrey.

Before too long had passed
An almighty fight
Had broken out in the pub
And raged on through the night.

The fists they were flailing
The punches rained down.
Santa Gatting could only
Look on with a frown.

Time for a swift exit,
He thought with a sigh
As he watched Michael Vaughan
Get a bail in the eye.

He turned to retreat
Whilst the building caught fire.
Tripping over the still form
Of poor Matthew Prior.

But as he ran out
To catch up with his sleigh
He could see it was not
Where he’d parked it that day!

In its place was a note
Weighted down with a stone.
Santa Gatting clutched
At his head with a moan.

“Dear Santa,
I’ve stolen your getaway car.
Rudolph told me that you're
Just too heavy by far.

Do not fear, I’ll return it
Just as soon as I’m ready.
But for now, here’s my pedallo.
Lots of love, little Freddie.”
xxx

Friday 17 June 2011

The Only Way is Surrey

Essex.

As in ‘The Only Way is...’

As in prefix to ‘girls’ (and assorted connotations that go with it, unfair or otherwise).

As in ‘David’, whose singing voice my dad apparently detests.

As in ‘Ardleigh’, where some of my ancestors came from.

As in the small Czech stallion who ran in one of the mid 1980s Grand Nationals.

As in the cricket team whose fans are most likely to bring on a migraine.

Now, no disrespect is intended here to either Essex players or indeed their vociferous and joyous supporters. It’s just that they do tend to be rather loud when they are doing well against Surrey (and let’s face it; that happens rather a lot).

Imagine my relief when in the T20 game a few days ago at the Oval, the Lions surprisingly gave the Eagles a mauling! All was blissfully quiet, my ears got a rest, and Nasser and his other Sky cronies who obviously detest Surrey to varying degrees were forced to do a bit of a U-turn! Certainly the start of the game didn’t go very well for Surrey: Captain Rory this time decided to have a bat first and then both he and Davies took their evening stroll back to the pavilion in super-quick time! I guess having a turbo opening pair has its advantages and disadvantages, because if we could only get the two of them to stick around a bit longer I could see a series of large, virtually unchase-able scores being posted. Ah, well. Such is cricket!

Ansari impressed on his first team debut, both with the ball and a cool, level headed turn with the bat. It was enough to get him named ‘man of the match’, which made a few of the Rampants laugh given how young and angelic he looked. He may be taking exams at Cambridge at the moment but, as was noted by one of our merry band, he could have been mistaken for one of the boy mascots!

A score of 154-7 didn’t seem that impressive. Certainly it was defendable but you felt that given the superstars which pepper the Essex line-up (who wouldn’t want ten Doeschate on their team, let’s face it) they would readily chase it down. The highest scorer for Surrey was Maynard with 45, and it seemed that one really good partnership between Essex batsmen would soon have the game swinging their way.

And then, lo! A miracle! Arafat, criticised in many quarters for not finding any form in the first half of the season, plucked three wickets out the air including the first ball dismissal of Owais Shah! Napier and Southee also went on to make ducks, with the latter being involved in possibly the most hideous run out imaginable (watch out for it on A Question of Sport next year), and Napier using Bopara as a runner because of an injury he picked up in the match. The idea of having Bopara as a runner is almost as laughable as asking Shah to do the footwork on your behalf. The pair of them are run out kings!

Getting ten Doeschate was really the turning point. He’s one of those players who hook in like a giant tic, and refuse to let go until fully sated. And by then it’s usually too late to do anything about it. Every team should have a ten Doeschate, a Trescothick or a Ramprakash. Or even a Murray Goodwin (can’t believe I said that). When Tendo went for 15 the warning lights were flashing in the Essex control panel. And when Foster controversially went (well, when he could drag himself off the pitch after screaming at the umps) for 31 it was pretty much a mop-up job for Surrey. In the end the South London team, who had fielded like divas during the game, won by a whopping 43 runs!

Bet three years ago you’d never have used the words ‘Surrey’ and ‘fielding like divas’ in the same breath! It shows how far they have come. It was only Surrey’s second ever T20 win over Essex, and I can imagine how delighted they were to get one over their rivals after all the years of pain and misery at their hands.

What a pity then that Friday evening’s match against Somerset was rained off! Poor Churchy, Johnny Barran and the Surrey team made the fruitless journey to Taunton with no play possible. Whilst the dynamic duo of Church and Barran filled the time valiantly, if ultimately in vain, they may take some consolation in that there was hardly a single game that could be played up and down the country due to the rain. Surrey may not be that disappointed to take one point from the encounter: Somerset are a good team with Trescothick in the form of his life. There was a very real chance the sabres, as they used to be known, may well have kebabbed Surrey had the game gone ahead...

But the best thing this week from a Rampant point of view was hearing that Mr R had asked his old team, Stanmore, for a game to help keep him ticking over during the T20 gap. One can only assume that rivals Hampstead must have taken one look at the rival team sheet and sent out for every lucky rabbit’s foot or horse shoe in the county!

It didn’t do any good. 61 no made for a lot of smiley Rampants!

Special mention of the week: Mark Church’s trousers. I don’t normally request pictures of a gentleman’s trousers on Twitter. It strikes me that some people might consider that eccentric at best and downright perverted at worse! However, having seen the much-maligned, oft-talked of garment, I can only say I’ve seen worse. Trust me, I went to art college.

If Smudger’s reading this I can only hope he’s bought some new ones, as that was 15 years ago now, and he only owned the one pair...

Saturday 11 June 2011

What a Difference a Day Makes...

Or a week, to be more precise. T20 mania has taken a complete hold in the schedules. Now, as I’ve mentioned before I like a bit of T20 but it would be a lie if I said it was my favourite form of cricket. Yes, as my dad laughingly labelled me at the dinner table today, I am a ‘purist’. My sister thinks I’m nuts: she’d rather eat recycled cat litter than watch 4 day cricket, but coming from someone whose favourite movie musical has the unforgettable line ‘a man can’t sleep when he sleeps with sheep’, I think her ability to pass reasonable judgement on anything is in dispute...

Since the Derbyshire win the wheels haven’t so much fallen off for Surrey as been subject to a couple of slow punctures. After a few promising wins the boys lost comprehensively to a classy Hampshire, suffered the ignominy of having their match against Glamorgan rained off for a single point, and were today thumped by Gloucestershire. I can forgive the loss to Hants, who look to be a formidable force in the shorter form stuff, but the Gloucestershire loss wasn’t good any way you look at it. Especially after it started so well! A great knock from Cockbain was the difference, but you have to say Surrey rather let the Gloucestershire batsmen get away when they had the chance to tighten the thumbscrews on them. It wasn’t really helped when Surrey lost a very early wicket (heard that one before)! From that point on it seemed to destabilise the Surrey batsmen. Alas, teams in our group will look to capitalise on this weakness.

This is what I have learned then in the last few weeks:

Mark Church and Johnny Barran are very cool in the face of incoming cricket balls; if they’d been on the Titanic I reckon they’d simply have gone down with the ship announcing it was ‘a bit of an inconvenience’. Extremely professional in every respect: I fear I would have uttered a “sh*t, that bl**dy well nearly hit me in the b*llocking face!”

If Rory Hamilton-Brown loses his wicket for less than 10 runs the Surrey batsmen start clucking about like headless chickens. A bit harsh of me, perhaps. But given the amount of times it seems to happen I think I’m probably right.

Ramps is not playing the shorter forms of the game at the moment because, as we supposed, he doesn’t have the speed or general fitness given his ongoing recovery from his knee operation. We all guessed this was the reason, but there has been a surprising lack of communication on this point. In fact it was the ‘London Evening Standard' that actually bothered to let the fans know what was going on. I heard someone a few weeks back at the Grange say he’d been dropped because he “was too old”, which nearly resulted in me decking them (derogatory remarks made about my favourite players in any sport tends to bring out my latent maternal instincts). And to be honest, unlikely as this reason was for Ramps’ exclusion, you do tend to wonder what the situation is when there is no actual word from the club itself. The Rampants are collectively paranoid as it is without this kind of thing!

Walk-on girls are not popular with fans. I wanted to call it ‘glamgate’; save that it’s not exactly headline news, and also it makes it sound as if Cosgrove has been up to something naughty in an all-you-can-eat buffet. Basically, some clever chap (I’ll be surprised if it wasn’t a chap) decided the Surrey players were incapable of walking unaided to the pitch at the start of a game and so they would be escorted by ‘glamorous females’. A bit like Old Mr Grace in ‘Are You Being Served’ with his array of nurses.

Speaking as a non-glamorous female, of the rather plain and stocky variety, my comments are probably going to sound a tad suspicious. I did however, like many of my friends and several Surrey supporters I know of, question the reasoning – and indeed sanity – of the whole thing. I rather thought the idea of going to watch a cricket match was to see cricket, not scantily clad girls. Or is that me just being silly?

Anyhow, a small but vocal insurrection soon informed the relevant persons of the lack of wisdom in implementing the ghastly and tasteless idea. It was swiftly dropped. A big gold star to whoever had the courage to call it off: a big kick up the arse to whoever thought of it in the first place...

Kevin Pietersen is not popular with everyone - and to those die-hard fans who put county above country in particular. Witness this from the Gloucestershire game:


“The next batsman in for Surrey is Kevin Pietersen...”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOHISSSSSSSSSSS...”

I mean, what was that about? Even I wouldn’t show that level of discourtesy to KP and he’s not my favourite player by a long way. Poor man just wanted to turn up, do some batting and help Surrey to win the game (hopefully not getting out to a left hand spinner in the process). Well, three out of four ain’t bad...

I have my new smart phone. I can now listen to the commentary at work *blows raspberry at employers who block internet access to cricket*. Of course, I can’t help but notice that since the purchase of the aforesaid gadget, Surrey have done nothing but lose. So, now it seems I can enjoy being miserable in real time as opposed to when I go home after work and check the scores...

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Poetry Corner: The Battle of Derby

Ladies, and gentlemen, for your edification and delight (and because I haven't tried my hand at any poetry - in a loose sense of the word - for ages) I bring you the match report for the Derbyshire v Surrey game in the form of a rhyme! Very novel, I hope you'll agree! Make the most of it because I doubt I'll be doing it again in a hurry!

Oh, I should also point out that Mark Church did not actually go mad. I thought his little double act with Eileen was rather endearing!



The Battle of Derby

Surrey, on Derby one day did descend
Their place in the table they hoped to amend
A Middlesex thumping, not to mention three draws
Made promotion for Surrey appear a lost cause

But the team showed great spirit, determined to win
Each setback they simply just took on the chin
Both youth and experience entered the fray
Hoping their talent might win them the day

On day one they fielded, and Derby did bat
A sixfer for Linners, well how about that!
But things went to pot in the shape of young Hughes
And Surrey were very soon singing the blues

Try as they might they could not get him out
His resolve it was brave; his defiance was stout
Until Jewell stepped in and removed Derby’s hero
But the damage was done: ending four zero zero!

On day two it rained to considerable sadness
And Churchy gave way unto rain-induced madness
The inclement weather gave no room for manoeuvre
And he stayed in his box beside Eileen the Hoover

The Surrey reply didn’t quite go as planned
And Derbyshire found themselves much in command
Forty Two runs was the difference in score
(Plus the fact Surrey had to get Hughes out once more)

On day three things brightened and brought luck to Surrey
Their bowlers set about Derbyshire in a hurry
Madsen scored two, and Guptill eleven
And young Matthew Dunn must have thought ‘this is heaven!’

When Hughes went for four and Palladino a duck
A rampaging Linley once more ran amuck
Redfern and Jones felt the Viscount’s great power
And he skittled them both out in under an hour!

A match tenfer for Linley, and a fivefer for Dunn
On his first class debut, helped the game to be won!
Derbyshire crumpled for a mere ninety nine
And Surrey’s response was more than just fine

On day four Surrey roared into action again
Jason Roy’s forty five caused the home side much pain
The skip' played his part, as did Mark Ramprakash
Who, with de Bruyn won the game in a dash

So, a victory for Surrey, and much needed too
It propelled them to fourth, up the table they flew
A victory at Derby , and more soon we pray!
What a pity T20 has now got in the way!