Monday 31 May 2010

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly




Day Three, Glamorgan v Surrey, Swalec

The Good:

Mark Ramprakash passed the 34,000 run mark. When I say that, I don’t mean he got 34,000 runs today. He’s good, but unless he changes his name to Clark Kent it’s probably beyond even his superhuman powers. All the same 34,000 runs is something to be proud of, because when you think of it that’s an awful lot of shoe leather. The wonderfully named Cyril Washbrook is immediately ahead of him on the list with 34101 runs, so we’re keeping our collective Rampant fingers crossed he soon overtakes him.

Steven Davies making 83 was also pretty darned good, as was a comfy looking 73 from Ramps.

The still Good:

Chris Tremlett thundering in to claim two very early wickets this morning and finish off the Glamorgan innings with them adding something in the region of only 8 more runs. I acknowledge that if you are reading this as a Glamorgan fan you are probably less likely to see this as ‘good’. But then again, you are also probably thinking ‘I don’t care, we have a lead of 76 going in to tomorrow,’ so it evens things up a touch.

The Fairly Good:

The unexpected declaration by Surrey’s very own Captain Marvel, Rory Hamilton Brown. It was a good idea, probably based on the fact that Glamorgan might have expected an overnight declaration, that there was little point in keeping batting with the last wicket partnership on the field and with no more batting points realistically attainable, and with a chance of dismissing Cosgrove for very little. Unfortunately it gets downgraded to ‘fairly’ good because Cosgrove was still there at the end of play, as was Rees.

The Not Exactly Bad, but Not Good:

Usman Afzaal falling one short of a rather good fifty. My fault, Usman. Just as Churchy said you were one short I heard a little voice in my head say that you weren’t going to get it, and lo and behold two seconds later you were gone for 49! Must try to restrain spooky witchy stuff in future.

Yonus Khan getting his first bat for Surrey was definitely good. Falling fifth ball without scoring: unfortunate.

The Bad:

I was studying a particularly unfortunate branch of my family tree today. Five children wiped out by Scarlatina. Three of those children, including a set of twins, all died within a space of two weeks. It put me in mind of the tail end of the Surrey batting line-up as within 10 overs Afzaal, Batty, Meaker and Dernbach all perished for not very many at all.

Again, from a Surrey point of view, Harris ripping through the top order after tea was extremely unhelpful. He got rid of Davies, then Ramps with a beautiful ball (which doesn’t endear him to us because we don’t take kindly to people dismissing the King of Kennington), and then both Younus and the young pretender RHB for quackers! Obviously, if you are Harris or one of the Glamorgan team you probably are feeling a little bit better about it than the Rampants do.

The Ugly:

My mood when the aforementioned Harris got rid of Ramps just when I was settling in to listen to the commentary! You couldn’t have even waited 5 minutes, could you James???

Sunday 30 May 2010

The bigger they are, the harder they hit!




Day Two: Glamorgan v Surrey at Swalec

Odd sort of day this. It feels like day one, but of course it is day two.

One moment it looked like Glamorgan were on top. Then it swung towards Surrey. And then with the last session it went back Glamorgan’s way. From a Surrey perspective, annoying little partnerships kept sprouting up like unsightly fungus between toes. Every time you thought you’d got rid of the problem it reappeared.

Perhaps the biggest – no pun intended – threat to Surrey was Mark Cosgrove. Cosgrove’s love of the good life has already been documented, and it would be fair to say that as cricketers go these days he is a little on the large side. But am I the only one who finds this a pleasant throwback to days spent batting on the village green, scoffing down cold pies and drinking warm beer at lunch? I know cricket’s stuffed full of super fit humans who can lift up a horse box with one hand whilst doing 200 miles on an exercise bike, but c’mon! To tell someone that they are too portly to play for their national side when they have as much talent as the skinny blokes on the team is a bit naughty. Cosgrove can still move; he isn’t Mr Creosote!

And indeed, he proved as much again today by rapidly accumulating 82 runs from 107 balls, with the usual mixture of fine shots and serial killer-crazed bludgeoning, whilst fellow opener Rees went about his business in a slightly more refined manner. That both openers went whilst in the 80s was more to do with the quality bowling served up by the Surrey side rather than any horrific errors. Or bribes of a “wafer thin” after dinner mint...

Only kidding!

Meaker looks fast and frisky these days, especially now that the Sat Nav appears to be taking him in the right direction rather than telling him to take a right turn into a lake. Three wickets fell to the young man, whilst Dernbach, fresh from his incredible efforts alongside Andre Nel, dusted off the superhero costume once again and had claimed four wickets by the end of play. Looking at the relatively low scores of the day, Dalrymple for 11, Wright for 23, Maynard for 3 and Allenby for 15 you would think that Surrey would be feeling pretty good about things right now. But then look at the flip side: 58 for Wallace and 49 for Harris, and then add it in to the scores by Cosgrove and Rees, and you’re past the foot fungus stage and looking at gangrene!

I must say here that Linley also bowled very well for no reward. I think he must have run over the umpire’s dog yesterday.

All in all, a very good display of disciplined bowling and some very entertaining batting. But the highlight of the day for me was when Churchy said this about Mark Cosgrove:

“The proof’s in the pudding.”

Saturday 29 May 2010

Pigeon Point


Day One Glamorgan v Surrey, Swalec

Well, in a nutshell, it rained. A lot.

It must be very frustrating for all the cricketers, stuck inside, waiting for the precipitation to cease. What do they do? Do they sit and read papers, listen to the rain coming down at Lords via TMS? Do they go to the gym? Do they eat Welsh cakes and drink tea? Or are there marathon sessions of ‘Connect 4’ and ‘Mousetrap?’

And then of course when the rain stops you have to wait for the conditions to improve enough for the pitch to be playable. You don’t want to be running around in the field and suddenly find yourself doing the splits. I speak from experience. The last time I was in Regents Park with the Rampants I attempted the splits (don’t ask) and managed to do myself a mischief when my trainers slipped on the grass. At the risk of smutty remarks I didn’t think my legs could do scissors these days...

I was surprised we got a single over in today, but in the late afternoon both teams took to the field, with Surrey winning the toss and sticking Glamorgan in. Cosgrove survived a couple of reasonable shouts for LBW (I do love the imagery created by Mark Church via the internet commentary of Tim Linley looking ballerina-like as he appealed for the wicket). Then after scoring a total of 19 runs for no loss the heavens opened once more and everyone departed hastily off the field of play.

The forecast looks a little more optimistic for tomorrow and the day after, although I believe Tuesday is not quite as hopeful. This amount of time lost suggests another draw unless a spectacular amount of wickets fall. Nearly every match in the championship lost a sizeable amount of overs to the weather today. It will be interesting to see how this will affect the results.

Of course, weather conditions play such a large part in cricket, to the extent that non-cricket followers don’t understand why players come off after a bit of rain falls. You get the inevitable “why don’t they have grounds with a roof”? It’d have to be one heck of a roof for the Oval, I tell you! And could you imagine the ground staff having to clean the glass? You could have an extra player in the squad, dangle them from the ceiling in a harness to try and take the aerial catches! And what position would they call it?

Probably, given the amount of bird life at the Oval, it would have to be ‘Pigeon Point’.

Friday 28 May 2010

What's in a name...part five



Oh dear. Andre Nel has been told to pull his socks up by the high heid yins in the Surrey ranks and will miss a further two games, along with an obligatory token financial deduction. It’s a tricky one, this, as Surrey have to be seen to be doing something about discouraging misconduct amongst the players (especially seeing Nel has already been in hot water this season), yet his absence may actually end up hurting the team. It’s a no-win situation. I suppose this was done to fend off any more serious action from the ECB, but even so it leaves a rather bitter taste in the mouth. Punishing someone when they have arguably played their best game for the team leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable. Just as well it’s not me making the decisions! I’d be a right push-over!

If it’s any consolation to Andre, and I’m sure it’s not, we still love him. Heck, he could pull the arms and legs off old ladies or steal crisps from primary school kids and we’d still love him. That’s why it hurts to have to find a rather unfortunate anagram for him (she said, running for cover)!

Talking of which, here is the next batch of victims!

DANIEL HOUSEGO: One Loud Geisha
CHRIS RUSSELL: Shrill Curses
ASHLEY GILES: Shy Gal Elsie
CHRIS GAYLE:
Grisly Ache
DEREK PRINGLE: Pink Ledger
ANDRE NEL: Lean Nerd
GARETH REES: Three Gears
IAIN SUTCLIFFE: Fun Facilities
JAMES ANDERSON: Jean’s Mad Snore
LAURIE EVANS: Leaves A Ruin
MARCUS TRESCOTHICK: Sours Cricket Match
NEIL CARTER: Errant Lice
PAUL DIXEY: A Pixy Duel
RUBEL HOSSAIN: Abolishes Run
SEAN ERVINE: Inane Verse
STUART MEAKER: Astute Remark

Thursday 27 May 2010

Still celebrating!

Okay...I’ve calmed down now.

But yippee! A win in the CC! Something that hasn’t happened to Surrey since, well, last year against the very same team! Cue little dancing Ewoks playing celebratory jungle drums! Does this mean we can only win against Northants? Or, as we are all hoping and praying, will it lead to a renewed energy and confidence to take into the Glamorgan game? It will be a tough act considering that Glamorgan are at the top of Division 2, but the fact that Surrey are only a few points behind Leicestershire now, although still at the bottom, suggests that any team on a good day is capable of beating any of the others.

It really is going to come down to those little ‘moments’. The catches taken and those dropped. The boundaries successfully cut off, and decisions going your way. Surrey’s fielding, so often castigated in the past, has improved so much since the beginning of the season. It’s going to have to be tip-top at Cardiff on Saturday.

Other than the win though, which was the major achievement of the Northants game, there were some good individual performances. Nel and Dernbach’s batting extravaganza was mentioned yesterday, but this morning they both managed to inflict a lot of damage with the ball as well. Linley claimed the early scalp of Boje, and Sales (who had sadly been off the field of play with a rather nasty sounding migraine for much of the game) was run out shortly after for a duck. Hall managed 32 before Nel removed him, and he also got rid of Middlebrook for 5. Vaas hung around for a little while, putting on 17 before falling to Dernbach, and yesterday’s hero also accounted for Dagget, who made 2 runs. It left Willey not out on 18 and Northants with a total of 241 for Surrey to chase in two sessions.

The target looked fairly doable, and so it proved. Davies opened with Harinath and hit a quickfire 25 until caught by Willey. Ramps steadied the Surrey ship in his own inimitable style, quietly accumulating runs whilst Harinath made a solid 48 before being dismissed. RHB, playing in his usual positive and aggressive fashion, lived dangerously at various stages in the innings, finally removed for 45 coming down the track to smash the ball and then being stumped by O’Brien. Afzaal however played a much more studious and sedate innings and contrived with Mark Ramprakash to see the game to its conclusion – and a Surrey victory.

The South London team finally claimed a well deserved 7 wicket win over Northants, with Afzaal 33 not out and Ramps 79 not out. It’s a rich seam of form that Mr R has hit in the last few games. A double ton and a single hundred in the Middlesex game, plus a 70 and 79 not out in the Northants game. He currently sits third in the combined division batting figures with a very healthy average into the 70s, better than both the batsman ahead of him in terms of runs. I imagine the briefing of Saturday’s Glamorgan team will have ‘get Ramps early’ at the top of their agenda, followed by ‘don’t drop him, for god’s sake’ as bullet point number two. Of course, this brings my old favourite Mr Cosgrove back into the frame come Saturday. It’s the battle of the two Marks: and both are right bang in form. Who is going to come out on top?

I’m guessing the Surrey song was echoing throughout the dressing room at Wantage Road this evening. I hope they kept the lyrics clean, or poor Younis Khan, newly arrived from Pakistan, will be wondering exactly what he’s landed himself in! Yes, that’s right: the invisible batsman is no longer invisible.

Hopefully he’ll be given the chance to sing along with the team on many occasions to come!

Victory!!!

WE WON!!!! YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

A post of a more sensible nature may follow in due course. For the time being, stick The Gibson Brother's 'Cuba' on the CD player and find a suitable handbag to dance around!

Oh yes!

Wednesday 26 May 2010

Andre Nel is...Batman!


I always enjoy it when the last wicket partnership put on a stand worth of General Custer himself (she said, whilst remembering that Custer didn’t exactly come out of that particular battle in good shape. Or at all, for that matter). Today the Surrey tail did not merely wag prodigiously, but the puppy refused to roll over! And now, as a result of heroics from Andre Nel and Jade Dernbach, Surrey have managed to get themselves into a very nice position heading into day four!

It was unfortunate that bad light curtailed what was very much Surrey’s session. Northants find themselves four down with really only Boje standing in the way of what could be the biggest turn around in recent years for Surrey. Peters was back in the hutch for 9, bowled by an on-fire Nel, whilst first innings hero Loye was unable to match his previous effort and went for 20, lbw to Schofield. O’Brien looked reasonably secure on 44 until dismissed by Dernbach and then man of the day Nel steamed in once again to get rid of White for 29. All in all, the collective Surrey effort with the ball was phenomenal, subjecting the Northants batsmen to an intense barrage of deliveries that Barnes Wallace himself would have been proud of!

But it was Andre Nel that took the plaudits with sidekick Jade Dernbach: the most unlikely duo to take on all comers since Batman and Robin displayed a mutual fetish for skin-tight lycra and silly masks. I checked the score at work during various stages in the day, and my reaction (pretty much the same as most, I’d have thought) went rather like this:

“Oh, they’ve avoided the follow-on. That was unexpected!”

“Spriegel’s out. That’ll be that, then.”

“Linley didn’t stay around long, poor fella.”

“What is going on here? Is that Nel and Dernbach scoring these runs?”

“Are they still in???”

“No, seriously. Are they really still in???”

“Has the scorecard gone completely berserk?”

“Andre Nel is 85 not out at lunch!!! And Surrey has a 4th batting point!”

It was indeed a “Holy suffering Tiflex, batman” moment, complete with punch of gloved hands from Dernbach, er...Robin.

In fact, even knowing that Nel can play attacking shots and that Dernbach was a much improved batsman who could swing the willow with the best when required, the idea that the last wicket partnership was in serious danger of drawing level with the Northants first innings total was almost unbelievable. What a titanic effort! Unfortunately, it did prove too good to be true as Andre Nel managed to get out just 4 runs short of what would have been a richly deserved first century for Surrey. But what an amazing display, especially given that his recent outburst against Peters and O’Brien landed him with a further 3 points on his record. Perhaps it just whetted his appetite all the more!

As for Dernbach, he managed his first ever 50 for Surrey in the championship, and if Surrey do manage to win from here an awful lot of it will be down to him for sticking with Nel. Get that fellow Jade up the order – he’s wasted coming in last!

In the end Surrey fell just 11 short of the Northants target and given what an unlikely position that was going into the morning session; I hope the boys are feeling extremely happy with themselves tonight. Quick wickets are going to have to fall tomorrow if Surrey have any chance to claim their first championship victory, or else Northants will just probably be content to put the match beyond Surrey’s reach. Given today’s heroics, that would almost be cruel. Yet again Boje is the key, you feel. If Surrey can nip him out early tomorrow a reasonable run chase may yet be on the cards.

Perhaps Schoey can prove to be the ‘Joker’ in the pack...

Tuesday 25 May 2010

Looking down the barrel

I think Chris Adams must be a little fed up trying to give his honest opinion as to what’s gone wrong in the latest Surrey match. At the end of the day’s play Surrey close on 210-7, and it’s a bit difficult to pinpoint what the malady is with the team. Okay, now some wag is sure to say something about not scoring enough runs or taking enough wickets! The skills are all there, but it’s a very young team (only Nel, Ramps and Afzaal are especially experienced). Whether that is a contributing factor or not for the continuing woes in the championship games, who can say? It’s certainly not a lack of effort. I know the fans feel the lack of wins keenly, but I bet they don’t feel it half as badly as the team.

As so often happens, if you took Mr Ramprakash’s first innings total away from an otherwise poor score, Surrey would be in all heaps of trouble. As it is they are already staring down the barrel. None of the other batsmen were able to get any significant partnerships going, which rather puts that sizeable effort from Boje and Loye into context yesterday. Davies and Harinath opened, with the latter going for a duck, poor fellow, whilst Davies made 33 (which for him was an unusually small total). Only Davies will know if he minds opening in the championship as he does in the shorter game, where he is so effective – Jon Batty seemed to love opening - but it does on paper make sense until Brown is back from his injury problem.

RHB made 30; Afzaal sadly reverted back to his previous bad run of form and made only 12, although there was still a glimmer of hope whilst Ramps and Spriegel were together at the crease. Unfortunately Mr R went whilst looking set on 70, and Chris Schofield took his place at the crease but was sadly unable to replicate his heroics of the previous week, going for 29. Tom Jewell made his championship debut with the bat, but it turned out to be a baptism of fire as he scored 1 run before being given lbw. Andre Nel found himself coming to the crease in the last over of the day, and remains not out on 0 with Spriegel not out on 25.

You have to feel a bit sorry for Jewell, coming in when he did and then getting out with a few balls left. If he’d managed to survive he might well have dug in tomorrow, as he and Spriegel know each other very well and could possibly have made a good partnership. As it is the follow on looms large, and Surrey will be hoping to at least salvage their pride, even if a draw is almost as bad as a loss these days.

One nice, noteworthy occurrence was the first 5fer of Tim Linley’s first class career. Well played, the Viscount! At least something went Surrey’s way!

A note on the injury front: Mr Tremlett apparently has a slight shoulder niggle and is not surprisingly being looked after. I guess there’s no point in potentially making the problem any worse. Still no definite word on when Khan is coming to Surrey either: I’m beginning to wonder if the club is hexed. First we had the invisible bowler and now we have the invisible batsman! He’s not exactly a like for like replacement for Chawla but he could be a pretty decent signing for Surrey – if he ever gets here! I think we’ve been told somewhere in the next week, so fingers crossed.

This blog’s got a bit serious in the last few weeks with all the match reporting, and whilst I can do serious, years of taking the mickey out of myself to counteract sundry personal defects such as galloping agoraphobia tend to make me view most things with a comedic eye. I couldn’t help but wonder if the players actually like ice baths, or are they a necessary evil? Do they dread them the same way as the bleep tests? What would happen if ice baths were in fact installed as punishment chambers, where batsmen are sent if they don’t score runs?

To this end, looking at the amount of runs scored to number of innings, only Ramprakash, Davies and Harinath would really be able to avoid spending any significant time in there. The others would range from being very cold to having their assets well and truly frozen!

Monday 24 May 2010

Leg Off Before Wicket...

Northamptonshire v Surrey, day one, Wantage Road

Today was mostly about three things. Firstly, the considerable heat. Secondly, a tale of great batting from two determined Northants players. And thirdly, today was the day when Andre Nel turned into Angry Nel. In fact, make that extremely Angry Nel.

Like any ultra competitive sportsman, when things go wrong sometimes a gasket blows. I don’t see a problem with venting feelings: it’s the inner fire that stokes the boiler, after all. Sometimes however that fire gets out of control, as it did momentarily for Nel who apparently got worked up when Davies didn’t take a catch behind the stumps, before getting into the face of Northants O’Brien. No doubt Nel will have apologised but fingers crossed he hasn’t done anything bad enough to merit another slap on the wrists from the umpires. Surrey have enough problems with injured bowlers and invisible bowlers without adding a banned bowler to the casualty list.

Overall you would have to say that, after a topsy turvy day where fortune swung like a pendulum first one way then another, Northants end the day in a superior position, largely thanks to a stand between Boje and Loye, along with an extremely useful 61 from Peters. Loye in particular played well, especially as he never really looked comfortable at the crease until towards the end of the day. Yet for all that he remains handily placed to take the game away from Surrey tomorrow, on 121 not out. If that’s being out of touch, I think many would settle for it!

A total of five wickets have fallen, with Surrey winning the toss and opting to field first. Linley took two wickets, with Dernbach and Jewell one apiece (the latter taking his first championship wicket for Surrey). Nel took his considerable ire out on Sales, whose stumps were sent flying for a duck. But there were no more wickets after the tea break, and Northants clawed their way back to a fantastic position which they will look to use as a platform tomorrow to get a large score.

I’m not sure whether Tremlett is being rested, having his work load managed or if he has broken down, to use racing terminology (which usually means one stage from the glue factory). Batty seems to have injured his leg rather than it being simply a case of cramp, and Michael Brown is still two more weeks away from finding out if, as may be the case for the poor man, he is yet another two more weeks away from a return. Still no further news on Jordan. Any more injuries and we are getting into the realms of Monty Python’s legendary Batsman of The Kalahari sketch. You know the one. With C.U. Pratt being ‘Killed Outright’ and M.J.K Pratt being given out ‘Stump Through Head’ for nought...

Actually, better not give Andre Nel any ideas about dismissing the opposition 'leg off before wicket!'

With tomorrow looking like being another scorcher weather-wise, hopefully tempers will not sizzle too much in a game that Surrey desperately needs to win. Kick-starting one’s season when fast approaching June is a little like trying to catch up with a Mark Webber driven F1 car whilst wearing a roller skate on one foot and a 6 inch stiletto on the other...

Sunday 23 May 2010

I love it when a plan comes together...

Not that there’s much resemblance between the skipper and the A-Team’s Hannibal Smith, but I bet he was thinking much the same thing as Surrey walked off the field of play at the end of the CB40 game against Lancashire. Whilst Surrey have not been doing terribly well in the championship - a current tally of zero wins so far this season, a whole zero more than last season - their form in the CB40 games has been rather splendid! If Friday’s contest showed Surrey could dig themselves out of any fix (like BA Baracus creating an armoured tank from a garage full of paint pots and a few sheets of corrugated iron), today’s display was as silky smooth as one of Dirk Benedict’s shirts.

There the A-Team similarities end, unless Gary Wilson needs his cheese burger doped before they get him onto a plane...

Yesterday I complained that Surrey had a tendency to collapse when Ramps got out, but the problem didn’t arise at all today as the main man was rested (or according to Bumble because he had a slight groin strain). On paper – and with Jimmy Anderson back to bolster an already fine Lancashire side – you’d have thought Surrey would have had their work cut out. Even as an annoying optimist I found myself settling down to listen to what I anticipated would be an enormous drubbing.

I do love being wrong sometimes!

But for a large partnership in the middle of the Lancashire innings care of Sutton and Chilton, Surrey’s opponents never really got going, and this wasn’t so much the batsmen playing badly but the Surrey bowlers repeatedly hitting their mark again and again. Each one of them had a fantastic game but by and large I would just give the nod to Dernbach as pick of the bunch. If he can keep this consistency up in the championship games he is going to be a real handful. In total he claimed three wickets, as did Andre Nel, with two for Tremlett as well. Lancashire were all bowled out for 165, a total that was never going to be enough barring a huge collapse.

Mind you, Surrey has been prone to the odd collapse. Fortunately there was none of that today, as the opening partnership of RHB and Steven Davies came in, kept their heads down and then slowly upped the tempo, with Davies in particular sounding very relaxed and majestic with the bat. It’s not often that Surrey and their fans can sit back and tick the overs away, safe in the knowledge that it was almost impossible to lose the game. It was all finished by the time 23.5 overs had been reached: little short of an absolute massacre! RHB had made 65, and Davies was 85 not out at the close, with Evans out for a rather uncomfortable 3 runs. Afzaal was also not out on 7 at the end of the game.

So, today’s spectacularly uncomplicated, almost clinical victory keeps Surrey second at the top of the table one point behind Somerset. The Unicorns appear to have beaten Sussex as well, which is useful from a Surrey point of view. However, just when you would expect to be able to take all that momentum and energy into the next CB40 game, a quick look at the schedule tells you that Surrey don’t have another game in the competition until July! Is it wrong to scratch my head in bewilderment at this point?

What the schedule does reveal is:

Surrey have a lot of travelling to do.

Surrey have a lot of championship games to play.

Surrey are going to be absolutely knackered by the time they next play a CB40 game, as they have to play for 18 out of the next 22 days!

Hopefully at least the two wins in the CB40 will at least inspire Surrey in terms of confidence. Schoey can do a job with bat and ball, Davies is in tip-top form with the bat as well as tidy behind the stumps, RHB can score quickly, and Ramps and Afzaal have both regained their form in the last few games. With the bowlers beginning to fire, it will surely all come together for Surrey.

Will tomorrow be the day?

Saturday 22 May 2010

Schofield: A man for all seasons


I have a guilty secret. My teddy bear is called ‘Cosgrove’.

The last time I had the pleasure of being at the Oval was at the back end of last year, to watch a Ramps-less Surrey take on Glamorgan. The obligatory foray into the Oval shop ensued with the result that Annabel and I purchased a Surrey teddy each. Being a fan of the newly retired club skipper, Annabel called hers ‘Butch’. I on the other hand decided to find a name that seemed a little more appropriate and found inspiration on the field of play in the formidable shape of Glamorgan’s Mark Cosgrove.

Well, there is a definite resemblance in terms of physique, you have to admit!

But there remains the inescapable truth that, for all his lack of sveltness, Cosgrove is one heck of a player on his day. And sure enough the CB40 match between Glamorgan and Surrey turned into a humdinger of a game! With Surrey having lost the toss Glamorgan opted to bat first which meant that the Lions reply would be mostly under the lights. Cosgrove scored a robust 61 before Gareth Batty bowled him, and received some strong support from the mighty T Maynard along the way. Little scores from the rest of the dragons’ team contributed to a total of 223 which, it must be said, looked a bit light and Surrey must really have fancied their chances at chasing it down.

Now, I’m not one for picking performances apart as that is a job for the analysts, who know a bit more about it than I do. Additionally, if someone such as me can spot a flaw in an individual’s innings then the chances are that person has already noticed it themselves. Suffice it to say therefore that Surrey has a bit of a problem when Ramps is out of the equation. That’s not idle hero-worship either. The captain kicked things off nicely at the top of the order before dismissed by Waters for 21. With Steven Davies still absent, his place was given to Stewart Walters who has an amazing amount of skill but somehow it just hasn’t seemed to come good for him overall. Walters was eventually given out LBW for 18.

Ramps and Afzaal, batting together as so often happens put on a nice little partnership. It’s a sort of Thaw and Waterman ‘good cop/bad cop’ double act at the crease. Afzaal unfortunately bailed out on 23 and left Ramps to keep ticking along with Spriegel for company. Mr R made a solid 40 before Owen removed him. At this point I’m pretty sure the boys back on the Surrey balcony must have been holding their heads in their hands a touch, for what had seemed like a simple run chase was beginning to resemble a slow motion wrestling match in pink custard...

But cometh the hour, cometh the man. King for a day and Rampant favourite Chris Schofield, who took to the field following what must have been one of the most embarrassing moments of Gary Wilson’s fledgling career when he ran himself out for a fourth ball duck (and with the TV cameras capturing the moment in its humiliating gruesomeness) proceeded to bed in with first Spriegel, and then Gareth Batty. The latter played a brave Butcheresque innings on one leg, having suffered from what appeared to be a particularly unpleasant bout of cramp, with Stewart Walters acting as runner. I have to admit I had my fingers crossed at this point as I think I remember Butch being ‘run-out’ when Walters was acting as runner for him on one occasion.

Hats off to Batty though, as he managed 22 before he was caught, and with he and Schofield getting their heads down it gave Surrey the advantage once again. Tremlett came in for a small but steady 6 run cameo, and with Andre Nel, playing with a finger that had been dislocated only the day before, they nudged their noses in front on the line, winning by two wickets.

There was no doubt that Schoey’s 64 not out would win him man of the match. Quite possibly it was his best innings for Surrey. Special commendation also for Batty in that heroic stand, for Nel in helping to see them over the line, and a mention for Ramps for the 40 runs he contributed when he must have been fairly exhausted following his titanic 300 plus effort in the Middlesex game. I hadn’t expected to see him play in the Glamorgan match. These county cricketers are tough lads!

Surrey currently fill second place in their group table and have won every game played so far. Things are fortunately going much better for them in the shorter format of the game than in the championship. There have been one or two well known, dare I say respected, people who have had a go at Surrey’s lack of togetherness as a unit, and that they are filled with ‘individuals’, big egos and non-team players. I can’t comment on this, as I am not part of the dressing room (I imagine letting Rampants into the dressing room would be considered unwise anyway), but then again neither are these gentlemen either. I would however like to make one tiny point in Surrey’s defence.

Look at the four players I commended in winning the game for Surrey, and tell me if being an ‘individual’ is such a bad thing!

Thursday 20 May 2010

Following on from the non-follow on...

Day Four, Surrey v Middlesex at the Oval - Match drawn

It must be difficult being a sportsperson of any description when you put in a whole lot of effort and it comes to naught.

I’m not just talking about Mr Ramprakash here, although his tally of 223 and 103 not out combined was herculean enough, but the whole team who played out of their skins. The draw did have an inevitable feel to it, although at the start of the day there was always the hope that they might skittle Middlesex out quickly, but the (not surprisingly) defensive bowling and then the solid batting from Surrey’s north London rivals set the tone for the day.

You’d have to say that Surrey played the better cricket over the four days, but Middlesex were wily and experienced enough to swim against the tide, with the resulting draw probably a reasonably fair result (albeit typed with teeth firmly gritted). England fans will be mighty impressed with the way Strauss weathered the storm in two consecutive innings even although he seems to have fallen twice in similar circumstances to the same bowler (Dernbach). Kudos to Newman, too, for the way he got his head down and brushed aside the criticism.

I expect that both the gloriously-quaffed Rory HB and ‘Sir’ would have ideally wanted to get out and tonk the ball about a bit to see where they could get, but in the end not that many runs were added to the overnight total. Enough to see Ramps to his 111th first class century, which in the process means that he managed to create a new batting record. These batting records tend to happen a lot where Mr R is concerned, and my poor ickle brain has fried now, like it did when I was first instructed in the laws of cricket by dad when I was five. Hang on...

*runs off to check Cricinfo*

Think I’ve got this right. He’s now the first person to score two hundreds in one first class county championship match, done seven times. Ponting and Zaheer Abbas have done it eight times over all. What price he equals that at some stage before he retires? And whilst we are talking near superhuman antics, Ramps now averages 125 or thereabouts against Middlesex. That must be extremely cathartic!

I’m aware that this is statistical overload, but I used to work in statistics a few years back, so I’m quite fond of figures for the sake of it. I’m not talking about counting how many spiders the average human swallows in a lifetime (apparently it’s five, although who is counting them???). That bat has been raised an awful lot of times up to the balcony of the Oval. Stacks of photographers have got almost identical photos to go on their web pages/newspapers over the years. And it’s a lot of chewing gum left stuck to the old bat handle every night as well. Now, there’s a stat for Johnny Barran to work out!

A brief match report:

The skipper managed 29 from 30 balls before being caught by Middlesex captain Strauss, with the declaration following immediately; leaving Ramps on 103 not out. The total would have been about spot on in a five day game, and did at least give Surrey the consolation of knowing they probably wouldn’t lose the match from that point. Hindsight’s a marvellous thing, but from a Surrey perspective I suppose making Middlesex follow on would have been the best thing to do, yet I find myself suffering yet another conflict of thought. Do you keep bowling tired players and risk injuries? Do you want Tremlett to fall to pieces after just two championship games? And then of course from a rather Rampant point of view we wouldn’t have had the rather magnificent stat as relayed earlier (not the chewing gum one). Difficult, isn’t it?

Scott Newman managed to make 43 in the second innings, and Strauss added 61 to his previous 92 which in the end took the legs away from the prospect of a Surrey victory, just about seeing Middlesex to safety. Malan was bowled by Afzaal for 30 – although I don’t know if he took off down the runway to seek out his buddy or not. Possibly Mr R would have been too sore after his batting exertions to run away this time. Owais Shah made 40 and remained not out at the time the captains shook hands.

So, what to make of it? Some good individual performances from Surrey (and Middlesex), and a pretty decent team effort as well overall, in a game that you feel was won in a moral sense by the Oval residents. Alas, batting and bowling points don’t really make prizes, and a draw hasn’t really done Surrey any good as they still remain pretty far adrift at the foot of division two. Still, a win on a performance like this is probably not too far away now.

Tomorrow Surrey are heading off on some kind of marathon fortnight tour of the country, which is little short of insanity, and gives further credence to the theory that the schedule was drawn up by a bunch of Meerkats, high on blue Smarties, randomly pressing buttons...

Wednesday 19 May 2010

Here comes that music again...

Day Three, Surrey v Middlesex at the Oval


Actually, I’m saving the play-on-name stuff for the moment, as I don’t want to jinx ‘himself’ for tomorrow.

I’ve been in a bit of a quandary with this game. I find it so much easier to cheer on Surrey when the opposition is full of players I have no emotional attachment to, but Middlesex are stuffed with ex-Surrey players like Newman, Murtagh and Collins so it’s not as straightforward as I thought it might be. And then there’s Udal, who I rather like, and Finn who seems destined for great things at the top level in due course. So, when the likes of Newman get set for a big score against my team I really don’t know whether I’m supposed to applaud or secretly cross my fingers under the desk and hope that his bails are whipped off...

The splendiferous ninety one that he made was, for me, the best compromise in the circumstances. Bet the poor man was gutted to fall nine short of a ton! Strauss similarly accumulated a very frisky ninety two and then managed to get out to Dernbach (who replicated Udal's effort and picked up five wickets) when Middlesex would have hoped he’d go on.

In all other respects the Middlesex first innings sort of stumbled and stuttered along. Shah, Dexter, Simpson, Murtagh and Collins all went for single figure totals, and only Berg with his effort of 43 made a really useful contribution to the efforts of the two opening bats. Middlesex ended with 324 all out.

Possibly most people expected the follow on to be enforced. I didn’t, mostly because I was on the bus home from work at the time and remained in total ignorance as to the situation. I do however recall thinking that the bus would get home quicker if it ran over a few of the slow moving pedestrians at Frederick Street corner. The upshot is that RHB opted to bat again, which I am personally delighted at because Rampants and Surrey fans alike now get a second chance to watch the great man bat once more in a quest to help Surrey to that elusive first win of the season. The win is a possibility now, although it would take another Middlesex collapse to do it. Newman and Strauss - and one or two others – are really going to have to dig in deep because Surrey definitely go into tomorrow with their chins held higher. I personally think the draw is still the most likely.

Harinath played another blinding innings second time round. He was eventually out for 63, but I think the commentary had it right, in that batting with a senior player such as Ramps will just bring the best out of him. A real shame that he couldn’t quite kick on to what would have been a well deserved century. Evans, alas, only made seven this time although there isn’t any doubt that he is a talented player. Mr Ramprakash achieved an excellent 86 not out and (she said trying to type and touch wood – or desk vinyl in this case) looks set for a possible second century in this game. It’s well deserved if it happens, although I should think that going for the win will be first on his and everyone else in the team’s mind.

So, bat for an hour tomorrow and see how the ground lies? What kind of total would RHB look for? What would Middlesex fancy chasing and what would make them bat for the draw? I still haven’t recovered from the finish of last year’s humdinger of a derby at the Oval! People were being bowled and run out all over the place!

At the moment the Surrey boys are looking mighty hungry for this first win. A total will be set, the bait laid, and then it will be up to them to reel in their prey. Whatever happens, I hope the Middlesex squad have their earplugs in because that Jaws theme is getting ominously louder and louder at the moment...

Tuesday 18 May 2010

‘Kash and carry

Day 2 Surrey v Middlesex at the Oval


I’m loving the chance to write these cheesy headlines. I’m hoping for a superhuman century in each innings for the rest of the season so that I can spend more time than is considered reasonable thinking them up!

Anyhow, here is a brief synopsis of the day’s play at the Oval. It’ll be briefer than yesterday because I was at work today and the unfeeling monsters that are my employers have seen fit to block the BBC ball by ball coverage. Thankfully Harold has come to the rescue yet again by recording the day’s play. Big kudos here to Harold as I reckon he probably has to get up at some ungodly transatlantic hour to catch the commentary, so that my fellow enthusiasts and I can listen to the immaculate trinity that is Mark Church, Kevin Hand and Johnny Barran. It’s like the broadcasting version of The Three Musketeers, only with cakes instead of swords and twirly moustaches...

Mr Ramprakash carried all before him – again – in the morning and for a lot of the afternoon as well. I was going to say he also carried the squad, but that isn’t an entirely accurate description of what went on, as there was an extremely good first team championship debut for wicket keeper Gary Wilson, who managed a breezy 62 in support. Perhaps there wasn’t quite the same amount of scoring by the others: Tremlett and Gareth Batty managed 13 apiece, Spriegel hit 12 whilst Nel garnered 3 runs, and Dernbach was the last man standing with 2 not out. Ramps eventually succumbed whilst on a princely 223.

With Rob Key also hitting a sizeable double ton yesterday and Udal claiming an impressive five wicket haul in this game, it looks as if the senior players are showing the way once again...and I like that. I find it reassuring that great county players like Ramps and Key continue to be the best in the land. Governments may come and go, ash clouds may cause havoc...but some things stay the same. Well, at least until the ECB start tinkering with the County Championship format again.

The day might have belonged to Ramps, numerically speaking, but with a pitch that seems to be flatter than a female limbo dancer’s chest it was fairly inevitable that good batsmen were going to get in. Now, Scott Newman’s come in for a bit of stick from the Middlesex support because, how shall I put this, he hasn’t really scored many runs. Quite a few single figures from what I’m told. And the odd quacker. But is there a better track to regain your good form than the Oval? Certainly not in the case of Newman, who knows the ground better than most. Just like Ramps, no doubt he feels he has a point to prove against his former team. And let’s face it: he is a very good player when he gets going, and he scores very rapidly to boot.

Somewhat alarmingly from a Surrey point of view, Newman has got himself into the 70s with not much effort at all and at an incredible rate. England skipper Strauss also seems to have played himself into some form with an equally fast 50. If I was RHB I’d be a tad concerned that the total of 490 posted by Surrey over two days might well be whittled away in no time at all. Middlesex closed with 148 on the board for no wicket lost.

You’d still have the draw as the favourite, though. Day three beckons tomorrow and despite the Middlesex siege on the Surrey total there doesn’t seem enough time in the game to make something of it.

If nothing else, today was about Ramps showing why he is still the prized wicket in the county game. Age has not withered him, and I’m sure there were some weary Middlesex bowlers watching on the balcony today. This was his 11th double hundred for Surrey and his 16th in total. He now stands joint fifth in the all-time list of double hundred scorers, rubbing shoulders with the likes of Jack Hobbs, with a conversion rate far better than the man affectionately known as ‘The Master’.

It’s not bad company to keep, when you think about it.

Monday 17 May 2010

Kash’in In



Day one Surrey v Middlesex at the Oval

Oh, you’ve got to allow me that title. I’ve been waiting since April to use it!

I do love Surrey v Middlesex games. I love them because, whilst I feel no animosity towards Middlesex at all, I just love a good old-fashioned Derby. A set-to, a ding-dong, a barney...call it what you will, only more civilised. And with balls. There’s something special about these Middlesex v Surrey games, and I have spent the last three or so years trying to work out what it is.

Is it the atmosphere of those two monumental bastions, the Oval and Lords? Is it the centuries of history, built up layer upon layer, year upon year? Is it the romance of a contest between two once mighty teams struggling to recapture their best?

Well, actually no it isn’t. The answer is far simpler. It’s because usually Ramps tends to give his former club a real doing over!

It has to be said that the exceptional Mr R hasn’t quite found his dancing feet early this season, for many reasons, although there have been a couple of fairly effortless performances amidst a series of, shall we say, bijou scores, but you always feel with Ramps that a shed load of runs are usually lurking round the corner. And lo and behold, the Middlesex posse moseyed into Kennington and worked their usual magic. Fingers crossed this will kick-start his season and propel him towards a nice purple patch of form. At the close of play, he sits 125 not out after a hard fought century from 261 balls.

Having momentarily dispensed with the waving of flags and hanging of Rampant bunting (or in Jean’s case pushing pineapples and shaking trees), now is possibly a time to reflect on the game overall. Harinath and Evans, subjected to some pretty decent bowling (you see, I’m quite unbiased when I put my mind to it!) began to tick slowly along, although you felt Evans was just getting into his stride when he was bowled by former Surrey player Murtagh. In came former Middlesex player Ramprakash, who played very watchfully throughout the first session, whilst former Surrey players Scot ‘Pandora’ Newman and Pedro ‘Mr Whippy’ Collins looked on, probably knowing only too well that Ramps likes scoring hundreds against the St John’s Wood contingent.

In the meantime Udal, not formerly of Surrey, managed to remove young Harinath for 39. It turned out to be a rather productive day for Udal, if an unintentionally dramatic one, as it appears that the poor fellow managed to half-concuss himself trying to dive for a ball. Fingers crossed he’s okay: I may want Surrey to thrash Middlesex but I don’t want the opposition maimed in the process. In the absence of Steven Davies, away on England Lions duty, captain RHB came in at four, scoring rapidly just as the Surrey effort looked to be crawling almost to a stop, and smacked a relatively quick fire 55 from 60 balls, exactly what the innings needed. However, Udal struck again, bringing in Afzaal.

Now, the Rampants love Afzaal. We may have mentioned this earlier in the blog. And he got a nice little partnership going with his buddy Ramps at the crease, sticking with him all the way as Mr R stuttered through the extremely nervous nineties towards a century that he must have wanted very much indeed. Middlesex were doing their darndest to restrict Surrey by making sure that singles were hard to come by, hoping to induce the fault. And after that landmark was reached – the 110th first class century of his career and 5th against Middlesex – Afzaal and Ramps began to play some lovely shots and relax. Unfortunately for Afzaal he relaxed too much and was dismissed by Udal with the very last ball of the day.

We still love Usman, though. Even if the initial thought of the O’Rampant contingent was “Afzaal, you PLANK!”

Honours pretty much even at close of play then. Surrey end the day with MR Ramprakash not out, and with the new batsman yet to face a ball. If Middlesex get Ramps quickly tomorrow they will be feeling it is very much their game to lose, but if they can’t...well, let’s just say Gus Fraser must be sick of the sight of Ramps. It occurred to me to wonder what Ramps averages against Middlesex at the moment (it must surely be over 100), and a witty reply from friend-of-the-Rampants Harold informed me that the qualitative answer was, "He averages full throttle".

So, another century to be added to the wall of the hundred hundreds bar. The Surrey fans will be delighted that the great man saw fit to once more take his ire out on his former club. I imagine that the sane majority of Middlesex supporters will shrug their shoulders and think “oh well, here we go again,” and marvel at a skilled and naturally gifted batsman going about his work.

To the tiny minority of rather angry people out there who seem to have a little bit of trouble letting the past go, I suggest a lie-down in a dark room and some essential oils might help a little...

Friday 14 May 2010

What's in a name...part four

Back by popular demand (that is to say to fill in time before the Middlesex game), here is part four of the anagram section. For those who like the rude ones, you're going to be disappointed. The really rude ones make me blush, because I iz innocent, innit?


IAN FISHER: Fine Hairs
DIMITRI MASCARENHAS: Administer Charisma
MATTHEW PRIOR: Earthworm Pit
DANIEL REDFERN: An Elder Friend
BRIAN CLOSE: Basic Loner
PHIL DEFREITAS: Fertile Aphids
OLIVER NEWBY: I Envy Bowler
MIKE ATHERTON: A Token Hermit
RICHARD HUTTON: Rich, Hot Tundra
STEPHEN PARRY: Panther’s Prey
ANDREW CADDICK: Darn Wicked Cad
ALBIE MORKEL: More Likeable
TIM LINLEY: Mini Telly
STEVEN MULLANEY: Valley Men’s Tune
ROLAND HOLDER: Hard Old Loner
ROBIN SMITH: Mini Throbs
JAMES ANYON: Annoy James

Wednesday 12 May 2010

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Oval...

When I was a child, I was traumatised by that music.

You know what I’m talking about. The scariest four chords in film music. “Duuuu-du! Duuuuuu-du!” Accompanied by a black, triangular fin through the inky midnight waves, and a lot of frenzied thrashing about in the water. The movie that had generations of children afraid to step into the bath let alone the sea. The fact that only well-hard plankton and an occasional star fish dare to dwell in the cold waters around Cramond beach was totally lost on me. Catch me in the water??? Not a hope in Hades!

I often wondered if I should sue my father for mental cruelty. He had an old VCR recording of Jaws made in the early 1980s, and thought it quite amusing to wait until I was in bed, open every door in the house and then turn the volume up as loudly as possible.

“Duuuuuu-du!”

That theme by John Williams really has come to signify approaching menace. For the first part of the very successful original film, the music was the shark. I have a love-hate relationship with Jaws. Even although I think it a magnificent film – the original blockbuster, you might say – I remember the effect it had on me as a child, and it still has me picking my feet off the carpet when it comes on the TV! And don’t mention the bit where the head falls out the boat...

I’m reminded of all this because yesterday, to escape the political hoo-ha of the Cameron/Clegg ‘marriage of convenience’ I watched Jaws 3 for the first time in 15 years. Good god was it awful! Really rubbish shark. Terrible storyline. And tonight as an even more dubious treat I have the delight of watching Jaws 4, which comes with an especially rubbery shark and an even more shoddy script than its predecessor!

The premise is, as usual, there’s a shark swimming along the Florida coast. But this is no ordinary shark: this is a shark about 100 meters in length, and its heading straight for the relatives of the late Chief Brody in the original film. It’s seriously narked with life, and thinks it’s time that it hunts down the people who have dared to make its existence a misery. It is one incredibly angry fish. Cue more carnage and severed limbs.

You’re probably wondering where this story is going.

I just can’t help wondering if, at any point over the last eight or so years, Gus Fraser has heard the Jaws theme in his head whenever Ramps has gone out to bat against Middlesex...

“Duuuuu-du.”

Tuesday 11 May 2010

It's...a draw!

Now, there’s a surprise. If it wasn’t for the fact that there was some rather good cricket being played I would have taken the unpopular view that a three day game at the Oval was a complete waste of time (in terms of a positive outcome). I do feel a four day game would have been better for both parties because the tame way in which the match tottered towards its inexorable conclusion left me feeling a tad deflated.

That said, a splendiferous 150 plus innings from Afzaal (Hah! Take that, moany people!) showed that he can still swing the bat, and time was all he needed to sort himself out. I’m hoping he will kick on now: Surrey needs both he and Ramps to bat at their best. It’s harsh, but true. Mr R has almost singlehandedly carried Surrey on his broad back for years, and it isn’t fair that so much pressure is put on him – and indeed Afzaal as the other noted specialist batsman – but it’s because they are on their day very fine players.

Has Evans done enough to get a recall to the first team? Has Spriegel earned a middle order berth? It’s all fascinating stuff. Lancefield is still learning his trade, one feels, and has time ahead of him. I’d personally be tempted to have Evans open the batting until Michael Brown makes a reappearance. His ninety eight was finely accumulated over the course of the day. It was so, so close to one hundred that you just felt something cruel was going to happen, just like it did to Meaker, and sure enough he was run-out just two short. Cricket can be a real barsteward of a game sometimes.

Now, Afzaal doesn’t seem remotely to blame in the Evans run out from what I can gather, but there remains the fact that certain players do seem to be involved in run outs more than others. Afzaal is one of that unhappy band, whether it is his fault, his partner’s fault or simply down to lack of luck. I get the impression, from what I have seen of him in the field and batting in the middle, that he isn’t Spring-heeled Jack. I suppose it’s difficult for an Airbus to do a half-turn...

And so on to Middlesex next week, who seem to be finding their mojo a little just when a non-neutral wouldn’t want them to. Newman and Murtagh against their old club, and Ramps against his. If their last encounter at the Oval was anything to go by, it could be a very interesting game...

Monday 10 May 2010

What's in a name...part three

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you part three of my quest to turn every cricketer into a walking anagram!

TOM BURROWS: Robust Worm
MICHAEL LUMB: Humble Claim
MATT SPRIEGEL: Simple Target
GRAHAM NAPIER: German Pariah
DOUG BOLLINGER: Gigolo Blunder
PIYUSH CHAWLA: Lucy Has A Whip
WES DURSTON: Worst Nudes
STEVE WAUGH: Hugest Wave
ROBBIE JOSEPH: Biosphere Job
PHIL EDMONDS: Lend Dishmop
PAUL HORTON: Lunar Photo
MICHAEL VAUGHAN: Have Manic Laugh
LEN PASCOE: Clone Apes
JAMES TAYLOR: Oral Majesty
ALEC STEWART: Rectal Waste (so, so sorry Alec!)
MARK RAMPRAKASH: Spark Karma Harm
NASSER HUSSAIN: Ashes Sans Ruin
MIKE GATTING: Get Making It!
MATTHEW PARDOE: Tapeworm Death
LIAM DAWSON: Wild Samoan

Dunn Roamin'

Short match report, day two: Surrey v Bangladesh at the Oval

It’s impossible to write anything with Michael Vaughan laughing in the background. I don’t know why, but it’s true, so I have switched him off.

This is an abridged report, because I only heard the last quarter of the game. Work seems to be interfering with my cricket life at the moment. Ironically, it appears I can now access the live commentary at work via the internet, which is good except for two reasons: firstly I take my lunch at 13.20, which coincides with the break in play, and secondly because the IT security people would ask me to justify listening to the commentary out-with lunch. I would give them my answer; they would smile and nod, and then give me the sack. So frustrating! It’s like dangling a dark Magnum ice lolly in front of a chocoholic for several hours, just out of reach!

Highlights of today appear to have included several masterful displays by the Bangladesh batsmen, especially the 158 made by Mr Islam, and an equally worthy 89 from Ashraful. There were wickets for Evans, King and Jewell, but the story of the day was really the late success of Matthew Dunn who proceeded to take three first class wickets, including the scalp of Naeem with a very cheeky last ball of the day! I’m sure it will be a moment that young Mr Dunn will cherish. It’s also fantastic to see the home grown talent getting a go, and I applaud Chris Adams for giving them their chance in this game.

Again, it wasn’t the best of days for Usman Afzaal in the field, as he dropped an absolute dolly by the sound of it. I’m beginning to feel sorry for him a touch, because you can be sure that nameless, shadowy looking Surrey members will be spluttering into their pimms, demanding he be dropped. And it must be difficult to play your best cricket when you know your jacket’s on a shoogly peg, as we say north of the border.

Despite the wonderful batting and the breakthrough bowling, the undoubted highlight for me was when Alec Stewart took to the field once again for Surrey, temporarily replacing Afzaal. As a come-lately to cricket I didn’t have the honour of seeing Mr Stewart play for Surrey, or indeed England, so the five minute cameo rather tickled me! What can I say; I’m a sentimentalist when it comes to sport.

I’m assuming that if a result is going to come then it will most likely be Bangladesh’s victory. That’s not me being pessimistic for once, but more in the line of common sense. David may have slain Goliath, but he didn’t do it with a googly...

Sunday 9 May 2010

Young At Heart

Short match report, day one: Surrey v Bangladesh at the Oval

I personally found day one of this game rather interesting, for a number of reasons. From a Surrey perspective it was more curiosity, as the team was stacked full of promising youngsters that I had heard many good things about, but never actually seen. Or rather heard, as it’s difficult to see someone via the radio. I know Churchy’s good, but that would exceed even his abilities. If RHB had actually been captaining the average age of the squad would have reached 15.3, all of which has left me feeling extremely old. And it’s not a feeling I much care for either!

Where was I? There were one or two familiar faces: Chris Schofield standing in as captain as RHB probably had homework to do. Sorry, the age gag is getting a bit old (although it's the only thing that is). Usman Afzaal, probably missing the chance to leap Total Wipeout-style on his buddy Ramps, was also in the squad – presumably to get significant, confidence boosting time at the crease. Additionally it was great to see the return to Matthew Spriegel, who was in the first team a fair amount last year, with the result that I think everyone sees him as a seasoned pro rather than the young man he still is.

Lancefield interests me, in that he’s a possible to make a first team championship debut at some point. You get the feeling that he’s almost knocking at the door...just reaching for the handle, in fact. And Laurie Evans really deserves another chance. Perhaps with Michael Brown still on the sick-list he’ll get the chance to open with Harinath?

Young Mr H has actually impressed me over-all. He’s not afraid to take it slow, and quietly accumulate whilst his partner does his own thing. The Rampants like him so much; in fact, we gave him the nickname ‘Turtle’. He may be slow, but he always gets where he wants to in the end! And we shouldn’t forget our other first-class debutant, young Mr Dunn. I’m looking forward to seeing what he can do against a side that fairly bristles with experience and international class players.

A quick word, then, about Bangladesh. I really like their team, and I found their enthusiastic supporters to be lots of fun. Usually, these kinds of matches can be played as glorified county games to an audience of one man and a Pekinese called Trixie, but they had a nice little atmosphere building throughout the day, reaching to a crescendo as the mighty Ashraful came into the attack. I’m sort of torn between wanting Surrey to do well and hoping to see Bangladesh at their best, taking the fight to the boys.

Firstly, the brilliant: Matthew Spriegel scored his highest ever total with the bat for the first team and finished 108 not out. If he doesn’t get to slot back in at, say, six in a team that looks at least one batsman light then it will be a shame. The equally brilliant Meaker also showed how good he could be with the bat, coming agonisingly close to a maiden hundred and falling a mere six short in the end. Again, this was Meaker’s highest first class score, following on from his best haul with the ball in the Gloucestershire game.

The, er, not so brilliant: I’m afraid poor Afzaal didn’t really get going as we hoped he would. A few dramatic shots, one very nice stroke for four, and then out for a total of six runs. Probably not what either Usman or Chris Adams was hoping for. Captain Schoey managed one run less, but made five more than chirpy Gary Wilson who had a nice stroll to the crease, faced two balls, and had a less pleasant stroll back to the pavilion...

Evans looked quite comfy, and it was a surprise when he got out on twenty two as it appeared that he was going quite well. Harinath was playing his usual game, although the shot he got out on didn’t sound the best, and in the end he went for n-n-n-n-nineteen, as Rory Bremner might have said.

The real pleasant surprise was Lancefield, who scored an impressive forty seven. He must have been kicking himself when Spriegel and Meaker scored so heavily. I keep thinking of Geoff Boycott saying “them’s my runs”, but Lancefield made a good impression on his debut, and it won’t have done him any harm.

A surprise declaration made by Schoey on the fall of Meaker’s wicket meant that Surrey had posted 318, mostly scored by M&S. I’m not suggesting Meaker and Spriegel start their own food and clothing empire, but if they do I would like to complain that I can never get my size of bra without having to get under wiring. Maybe I should just shove two Tiflex balls into a small hammock and sling it underneath my arms for the same effect...

Ahem.

So much for day one: some good, some indifferent. All of which leaves me a bit puzzled. I love trying to second-guess Chris Adams and I am curious as to what he will do in terms of the championship games. Do you dare drop Afzaal, and give him a chance in the second team to re-discover his form? Do you, perish the thought, drop Ramps in similar fashion, who hasn’t looked out of touch as such but has only managed two competitive totals in his games so far? By the way, that was just me thinking out loud because if Mr Adams dares to drop Ramps I will come down to the Oval and ping him with a lot of large rubber bands. It may not sound like a deterrent but I am an extremely good shot...

On another note, Mr Meaker (I always think of Rentaghost when I hear that name) managed to hit a pigeon that got in the way of his shot. I was just thinking that the Kennington Pigeon Murderer had reappeared, but thankfully for the birdie in question it managed to stagger away minus some feathers. The search for a nickname for Stuart Meaker continues, as I am not calling him the Kennington Pigeon Plucker...

Oh, and on a completely different note, my spellcheck wants Arun Harinath to be known as Arran Hairnet. Spellcheck Cricket: maybe it'll catch on!

Saturday 8 May 2010

Why the Rampants like Ian Salisbury

Ian Salisbury was more than a little bit good when he played for Surrey. I always remember seeing him hobbling bravely into the sunset on that last championship day of the 2007 season, receiving rightful applause as he and Ramps led the victorious team off the field. Surrey hasn’t been especially lucky since then in terms of championship wins. In fact, if I held up the number of fingers representing that figure you’d probably assault me for gross impertinence.

However, Mr Salisbury seems to be something of a lucky talisman for the second team, which have done nothing but win ever since he was assigned to assist them. So, I propose cloning him. One for the second team, one to help assist with the first team, one to bowl in the first team and one to sit alongside Mark Church and Johnny Barran in the commentary box.

I mention the latter because possibly the funniest bit of radio commentary I have ever heard consisted of Churchy and Sals, in Abu Dhabi, corpsing uncontrollably for what seemed like five entire minutes with barely a pause to take in oxygen – in fact at one point I thought Churchy was going to become the first person to expire during a live radio broadcast. The fact that his Face Book page had been set up in 300BC and had about 12 fans caused an awful lot of mirth, and having discovered the existence of the Rampants (Mc/Ap/O’ and other regional variations included) Mr Salisbury decided to try and set up the Churchettes.

Now, fair’s fair. Ramps will always have his Rampants, and Churchy will always have his loyal radio followers, Churchettes or otherwise, but if for no other reason than for being a splendid sort of chap, and for reducing poor Churchy to tears of incoherent laughter, I give you the newly set up Ian Salisbury fan club:

Sali’s Army!

Friday 7 May 2010

Commentary Classics

Here are some particular favourites noted from the ball-by-ball commentary over the years...


Churchy: People will be going down to have a play with themselves!

Churchy: As long as Strauss is out there Middlesex have a chance of putting a total on the board...and he's BOWLED!

Churchy: There's a lady banging out there with her thunder sticks...

Churchy: Pedro Collins tends to use other parts of his body rather than his hands to stop the ball.

Churchy: Banging the back of your head with your bat is a good sign you're unhappy...

Churchy: I'm being menaced by a big brute of a spider!

Churchy: Is it just me or is our tent getting smaller?

Churchy: Saqlain went down in installments.

Churchy: Damp squid.

Churchy: I won't say we're back to proper cricket, because that would be wrong...but we are back to proper cricket!

Churchy: Saqlain's like a doubled-up windmill!

Churchy: I'm going to do it standing up through this over, so to speak...

Churchy: That's a lovely bit of wood he's got there!

Churchy: When the sun goes behind the clouds it gets very dark...

Churchy: It's never good to have your proceedings interrupted - whatever you're doing.

Churchy: Wicket to wicket, stump to stump.
(In sure and certain hope of the resurrection?)

Churchy: I want to put some romantic music on for Murtagh and Shoaib...

Churchy: Shoaib's grabbing children and having his picture taken with them whether they like it or not!

Churchy: If Vaughan was the rabbit in the Duracell advert he wouldn't be banging his drums any more!

Churchy: I shouldn’t imagine you’ve been afraid of a streak or two...
(to Johnny Barran, regarding hair lightening)

Churchy: I suppose the acid test will be tomorrow morning, won’t it? When he wakes up...
Michael Brown: Or the acid test will be whether he can get out of bed or not.

Churchy: Butcher, not happy with something, wanders off to square leg. Mainly because Robert Croft was in completely the wrong position. He was at third man...
Michael Brown: Although there is a seagull or a duck down at fine leg...
Churchy: It’s either that he’s moving to fine leg or that he’s following the seagull.
Michael Brown: Maybe he wants the seagull a bit squarer...


Churchy: England have lost a wicket. Michael Brown has pointed to the TV and stuck his finger up. Now it’s either that or he wants me to leave the box...

Churchy: Off goes Cosgrove in fairly hot pursuit...

Churchy: You played some lovely shots there!
Michael Brown: Yeah, I dunno what got into me!

Churchy: We’ve waited four sessions for cricket, we’ve had an hour and twenty three minutes and we’re now having a drinks break...you often see one player go off for a call of nature, but it’s not often you see three at the same time...


Churchy: The one thing I would say with Mark Cosgrove is from a commentators’ point of view he’s an easy man to spot...

Churchy: I think that’s gone all the way for six. Has it? We’ve gone upstairs...I’m watching it again on the telly now...that’s six. That will be a six...I think that will be six...watching that again, think that’s gone all the way from Chad Keegan. Umpire Duddleston still waiting. Umpire Gale watching it again, but I think that’s gone all the way for six! I think that’s six? It’s gone all the way for six? I think? Oh, it’s four. Shows how much I know!

Churchy: It doesn’t do you any harm if you go well on TV. They have a big influence, because of course a lot of people watch televised games.
JB: Especially the selectors.
Churchy: Yes, indeed they do. It means they don’t have to go to the game.


Churchy: Kevin Hand is going to potter off; Johnny Barran is going to come back in to the chair away to my left hand side...he’s deep in conversation about very important matters, I think. Like finding a drummer.


Churchy: Texas Tom’s e-mailed in...also you might want to mention to Mark in Madrid that if he keeps having issues with the stream he may want to consult a physician....what I would suggest is if you are having trouble with your stream, is turn it off and turn it on again! That usually does the trick, I find!


Churchy: A story I’ve never told Matthew Church...I had one of his bats for a couple of years that sponsors sent to me by mistake, which I just kept hold of!

Churchy: There’s a lady to our left in a cagoule, which excites me anyway, because I haven’t seen a cagoule for a while...

Churchy: It’s good running from Grant Elliott. He’s done pretty well there, has Grant Elliott. Also he’s done pretty well to keep his trousers up.

Churchy: Three overs ‘til the break: three overs ‘til my mum’s fruit cake gets unwrapped.

Michael Brown: Chris Schofield’s cost £41 for the haircut and I think £65 for the parking fine that he got. £106 pound haircut.

Thursday 6 May 2010

What's in a name...part two

Oh, okay. I enjoyed it so much that I’m already typing up the sequel. I’m just saying now, however, don’t expect anagrams for the following:

William Quaiffe, William Attewell, Will Jefferson, Will Bragg, Warren Hegg, Shahadat Hossain, Sam Cliff, Ryan Harris, Rohan Kanhai, Raqibul Hasan, Rahul Dravid, Peter Perrin, Nick Knight, Nick Compton, Murali Kartik, Morne Morkel, Mark Footitt, Malcolm Marshall, Mahendra Nagamootoo, Mahbubul Alam, Kyle Hogg, Kumar Shri Ranjitsinhji, Kumar Sangakkara, Junaid Siddique, Joseph Hardstaff, John Gunn, Corey Collymore, Colin Milburn, Clement Hill, Chris Harris, Carl Rackemann, Bruce French, Brian McMillan, Amjad Khan, Alexi Kervezee, Alex Jones, Alan Mullally, Ajmal Shazad, Aftab Habib and Usman Afzaal.

Collectively, they win the ‘Mr Impossible’ award for having names that have thwarted me in my evil intent! Also, the ‘Too rude to mention’ award goes to Frederick Bull, whose anagram was far worse than even his surname suggested!

And tonight’s victims are:

ALLAN BORDER: An Old Barrel
BASIL D’OLIVERA: Avoid Liberals (see, I can be topical!)
CHRISTOPHER LIDDLE: Childish Lord Peter
DARREN GOUGH: Rough Danger
EOIN MORGAN: Noon Mirage
GARETH ANDREW: Grand Weather
IAN HARVEY: Heavy Rain
JAMES KELLY: Smelly Jake
KADEER ALI: Like A Dare
LEN HUTTON: Hot Tunnel
MARK GILLESPIE: Killer Magpies
NICK POTHAS: Cash Point
RAWL LEWIS: Will Swear
RYAN WATSON: Warts Annoy
SHANE WATSON: Now He’s Satan
TIM AMBROSE: Moist Bream
WILFRED RHODES: Reddish Flower
SHANE BOND: Hand Bones
PETER SUTCH: Retches Up

Wicketus Collapsicus

Short Match Report Surrey v Gloucestershire at The Oval, Day Three

Well, the game panned out in the way that the doubters anticipated, and Gloucestershire – to their great credit – put on another partnership towards the end that stuck tighter than a whelk’s bottom, effectively killing any chance of victory for Surrey. 106 runs added for the last few wickets unfortunately proved far too much in the context of the game. When looking at the final score and seeing the 77 or so runs by which they fell short, it makes the Gloucestershire tail all the more impressive. The Surrey top order is looking a tad frail, as if it’s got a bit of a hangover, and the middle order (with the exception of Steven Davies) looks like it’s flailing about for the Alka-Seltzer...

I didn’t hear the Ramps dismissal, but I gather there may have been some doubt as to whether it should have been given. Poor Mr R: when your luck’s out, it’s really out! There’s an interesting article in the Times suggesting that he’s more or less been acting as an opener due to the lack of a reliable partnership at top to see off the new ball. If so, I’m sending Michael Brown’s tennis elbow a get well soon card, signed with lots of kisses...

Good points: the lower order of both sides played with much pride. Dernbach really seems to fancy himself as a batsman. Maybe we ought to promote him up the order as a pinch hitter! Tremlett did not too badly with the bat either. The only people who did have trouble with the bat were, ironically, the batsmen!

A real pity from a Surrey point of view because I felt the game was still very much up for grabs in this morning, and I think they’d have quietly fancied their chances of pulling the rug out from underneath Gloucestershire’s feet. But, just like my boss on a Monday after a weekend spent drinking cider in his local flea-pit, it appears that Surrey just don’t “do mornings.”

Momentum seems to be the key thing with Surrey. It’s a moot point, but had the light been better towards the end of yesterday and they’d stayed out, it is possible that they might have nipped that troublesome eighth wicket partnership before they’d even got to the morning session.

Congrats to Gloucestershire all the same – and especially to Jon Batty (who must be delighted). But I wouldn’t really want to be the one to wish Chris Adams a happy birthday right now...

Wednesday 5 May 2010

What’s In a Name?

Actually, everything is in a name! The amount of fun that I have had over the years, trying to turn cricketers into, well, other things...the utter jubilance when you actually not only manage to find an anagram, but one that makes sense! And then the other extreme where you find it is totally impossible to anagram certain people. Stand up, Usman Afzaal: I’m talking about you! I might as well have been faced with a person called Jzzzkyqv Yxvijkkzz...

I have to admit to feeling a certain amount of guilt over some of the names I manage to find. I like to try and get witty, pleasant anagrams for folks. Sometimes I can only get unpleasant stuff. I would like to apologise in particular to Alec Stewart and Dominic Cork. It honestly wasn’t my fault: I tried my best to find something slightly more appealing. In particular to Mr Stewart, of whom I am a huge fan (there, I’m done crawling now). Sorry fellas!

Anyhow, here are a selection of the anagrams I have managed to get. No doubt I will inflict more on this blog in due course!


ALEC HEARNE: Acne Healer
BRYAN YOUNG: A Bunny Orgy
CHRIS ADAMS: Hid Sarcasm
DARREN SAMMY: A Smarmy Nerd
EDDIE BARLOW: Beware Dildo
FRANK WOOLLEY: Folklore Yawn
GEOFF ARNOLD: Fondle A Frog
HANSIE CRONJE: Sincere Johnny
IAN BOTHAM: Moan Habit
JAMES ORMOND: Major Demons
KEITH ARTHURTON: The Traitor Hunk
LENDL SIMMONS: Mind No Smells
MAHENDRA SINGH DHONI: Norman Is Highhanded
NEIL FOSTER: Snot Relief
OLLIE RAYNER: Only Earlier
PHIL MUSTARD: Adult Shrimp
RYAN SIDEBOTTOM: Damn To Sobriety
STEVE HARMISON: Massive Hornet
TONY LEWIS: Wino Style
WILLIE WATSON: Low Waistline
YOUNIS AHMED: Hideous Myna
ZANDER DU BRUYN: Zany Udder Burn

Blessed are the Meak-er...


Short Match Report Day Two – Surrey v Gloucestershire at the Oval

Something odd is happening at the Oval. Yesterday I said "It looks like a typical batting track", but wickets have clattered all day: unfortunately from a Surrey point of view all their wickets have clattered, and for not very much. Stumps have gone flying, fingers have gone up...it’s been an unusual type of match, this. The Oval isn’t always known as a results sort of a pitch, by and large, but that’s what we are almost certainly looking at. So, the question is: has a result wicket been prepared or is the ball just seaming about a bit more than expected?

Mr Watchtower Tremlett, who stands as high as the Statue of Liberty, didn't survive the first over this morning and the Surrey innings sort of phutted out after that. Ramps scored 12, RHB went for another quacker, and every single dismissal barring one solitary run-out saw the batsman bowled. All for the princely sum of 178.

But...

Just when you’d usually find yourself morphing into Victor Meldrew and yelling incoherently at the BBC scores page, something happened in the Gloucestershire second innings: more wickets tumbled at speed. At the close of play, Gloucestershire were 139-7, with Meaker bowling perhaps the greatest spell of his first class career, taking four wickets.

The rapid progression of the game should bring both comfort and worry to the home side. If the wickets fall quickly (and hopefully minus another stick-tight partnership from the Gloucestershire tail) then all the better for Surrey. But the fact that all three innings thus far have shown how difficult it is to bat – something I never thought I would say – must have alarm bells ringing. It’s not impossible with a whole two days left to plug away and chase down the target as long as it’s not a total monster, but keeping the wickets intact is going to be the major obstacle here.

I will maintain my insanely optimistic view that it can be done until proven otherwise. I ended volunteering to hug the Surrey team after their great effort on day one. The offer’s still on the table, boys, if you manage the win!

Oh, and it appears that the Oval fox has taken a liking to young Harinath, now known as 'the Fox-Whisperer'. If only Surrey had leant him to Sussex for a small fee...he could have done a Pied Piper and charmed Mr Reynard away!

Tuesday 4 May 2010

Tremlett: the 'Night Watchtower'


A very brief match report: Day One at the Oval, Surrey v Gloucestershire

Well, not only did the man everyone's been talking about get a game but, at the risk of tempting fate, Chris Tremlett didn’t break in two either! Four wickets for Surrey on day one from the man who makes Andre Nel look like Ronnie Corbett! I hope he doesn’t try to hug Ramps though. As one of my fellow Rampants said, “man smothered to death by belly button” doesn’t make for attractive headlines...

Tremlett’s magnificent start for Surrey probably stole the headlines for what turned out to be a pretty decent performance by the entire team. Gloucestershire were very quickly caught on the hop, losing early wickets, a fact made known to me at work via our Rampant relay station (well, okay. It was Liz at the Oval armed with her mobile). Even although I was happy to see the wickets tumbling I had mixed feelings on learning that Jon Batty had gone early. There’s no doubt that Chris Adams has picked a magnificent player in Steven Davies, but the Hedgepig was a favourite amongst the Rampants and we all want him to do well for his new club.

It looks like a typical batting track at the Oval, which is why the bowling – underpinned by Tremlett – looked so good today. Gloucestershire haven’t really fired in their games so far this year although they are a win to the good, but in the end the last batting partnership refused to budge and remained, as Blackadder himself might have put it, “stickier than two really sticky things on a stick”. But for this last limpet-like effort Surrey might have bowled them out for under 200...

Towards the end of the day Surrey had lost Gareth Batty and at close they posted 56-1, which is a nice little return with one eye on the Gloucestershire total. Man of the moment Tremlett came in as night watchman or, given his size, night watchtower . I have to agree with a point made on the commentary: it’s amusing to see the batsmen proper mother-henning the NW when it’s supposed to be the other way around. Harinath blithely just got on with getting himself on strike as much as possible, maybe with a view to preserving Tremlett’s back!

I’ve lost count of the number of times that a NW has been sent in to keep Ramps company, and he’s just ignored him and played his own game! I’m beginning to wonder if real batsmen think 'night watchman' is a dirty word...

Why the Rampants like Andre Nel



How Surrey have never been deducted points for fielding an extra player when Andre Nel takes to the pitch I will never know. When Surrey employed the South African pace man, it was a bit like ‘buy one, get one free’, because not only did they sign a very fine bowler but they got his alter ego as well. Günter, the crazy, oxygen-starved wild hermit from the heights of, umm, Vauxhall is pretty much a player in his own right. But if you thought the bowling banshee could be frightening as he hurtled towards the unsuspecting batsman at the crease, that’s nothing compared to his second alter ego. Who do I refer to?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...


Emu!


If you wondered what had happened to the most terrifying creature on the planet following Rod Hull’s sad demise, you can practically see him being channelled by Andre Nel as he runs in; arm aloft like a malevolent U-boat periscope, signalling a very messy and brutal encounter. The ‘vulture’ or indeed, the ‘emu’, is a sight that sends shivers down any opposing batsman’s spine.

And I think we all remember the mess Emu made of Michael Parkinson...

Monday 3 May 2010

Spinning in the rain

Oh dear. The reception that Gareth Batty received on his return to New Road was as warm as the weather!

A very partisan crowd hailed GB with the traditional greeting reserved for one who has jumped counties. Interesting that Steven Davies didn’t get the same kind of treatment from his former club, and was applauded for his very good innings of 81. Do I get the impression that GB may have rubbed a few people up the wrong way during his time at New Road?

I know a very small idiot minority still harangue Ramps for leaving Middlesex, but how many years ago was that?!? Surely to god they’ve got over it by now!

Of course, the Rampants are rather partisan. That Darren Pattinson nonsense back in 2008 had many of us twitching apoplectically in our chairs for weeks. We even came down to the Oval on the last game of 2008 with the purpose of glaring at him from the boundary! Just for a bit of a laugh, we quite fancied chasing him Benny Hill-style across the pitch, but I don’t think Bill Gordon would have liked that. And besides, there remained the possibility that DP may have actually enjoyed being chased by a hoard of women around the Oval...

Having made the long journey to London, with the tongue-in-cheek intention of seeing Pattinson being subject to a right royal cuffing for his gosh-darned impertinence, we arrived late at the Oval, only to find he’d been dismissed 5 minutes earlier! Actually the irony made me smile.

And as for Murray Goodwin...*growl* Basically, we don’t take kindly to people dissing Mr R, be it from the boundary or on the pitch!

Back to the CB40 match. We never got to find out what reaction Batty would have got when going out to bat as Duckworth Lewis kicked in, putting Surrey well ahead. The skies opened, the crowds departed at 191-3 to Surrey, and Churchy’s teeth rattled with the cold (I’ve never heard shivering on the radio before, poor man). A very fine performance by Steven Davies and Usman Afzaal, with good back up from Spriegel plus a tiny cameo of 13 from Ramps and an even more bijou turn from RHB all contributing to the score. Rao (Ralph) Iftikhar Anjum starred with the ball for Surrey in the first innings, keeping the score down to a respectable 235-7.

I still can’t quite summon up a lot of enthusiasm for this tournament. I don’t know why that should be, because I think the team are rather good collectively speaking and may do well in it. I also love the new strip. But I preferred the 50 over games...maybe I’m a stick-in-the-mud.

Highlight of the game: the crowd laughing at Tim ‘the Viscount’ Linley when he thought he’d taken a wicket, ran off to celebrate, and then realised he hadn’t...

Oh, and I’m afraid Spriegel’s got a nickname at last, courtesy of my mother. Having walked in on the commentary she was convinced his name was Matthew Treacle. I’m buying her an ear trumpet for Christmas...

Daydream Believer


On May 16th 2008, ‘Mystic’ Miah had a dream. Coming from a long line of witchy-types on the distaff side, and having a track record of this kind of spooky predictory thing (notice it hasn’t resulted in winning a lottery jackpot), she declared roundly that the Ramprakash 100th Hundred would come against Yorkshire. Come the day of the match against Yorks at the Oval, everyone settled down to listen with eager anticipation.

In her dream she had quite definitely seen Darren Gough walking across the field of play to congratulate Mr Ramprakash, hence her certainty of the opposition. However, she had forgotten that Yorkshire and Surrey played each other twice...

It was with some concern therefore that she noted on the day of the Oval match that the aforementioned Darren Gough was not down to play in the game. And sure enough, Ramps did not manage to get remotely anywhere near his much longed-for century.

“If that's the case,” one of the Rampants ventured, “it's a case of waiting til the end of July, then. *hoping there is reason to doubt Miah's witchy powers*”

Hmm...

Well, Miah doesn’t say she’s never wrong about these things but she was fairly confident it was going to be Yorkshire. Which of course meant a trip to Headingly and a rather lengthy wait. The delay gave the press their chance to stick in the little knives and write their usual garbage. The man himself said that his dip in form was due to his favourite bat being broken. The press maintained that the pressure of the occasion got to him.

But of course, they didn’t realise the reason for the delay was simply because Darren Gough pulled out of the Oval game!