Bring Me Sunshine...

Because some double acts are just irreplaceable!

And because the idea of Dave Townsend reinacting 'The Stripper' from the Morecambe and Wise show is faintly horrific!

Somebody take his heater away from him...

*picture expertly doctored by Rowan

The Great cake relay!

My dad’s great grandfather was a baker for half a century. My mum’s father and great grandfather were also bakers and confectioners. This being the case, you would expect that I should have Royal Icing running through my veins.

Not a bit of it.

I’m not Delia Smith. I’m not Ria in ‘Butterflies’ either...somewhere betwixt the two would be a better approximation of my culinary skills. I have dabbled with the odd cake here and there but you sort of need time and kitchen space to truly create some magnificent sponge edifice, and I have neither at my disposal. This being the case I passed the mission of creating a cake for Churchy to Val Jones, a lady who works at my office and who is a rather talented amateur cake maker on the sly. The problem wasn’t whether or not Val could come up with something special, but rather how the heck I was going to transport the wretched thing down to London, along with my luggage, my camera, my bag and the food I had bought in at Waverley’s M&S...

It was slightly tricky, but Annabel helped a lot and we got a taxi to the hotel, so the cake actually made it down pretty much unscathed! I was slightly concerned, I confess, as to how I was going to get it through the turnstile at the gates. It’s not the first time I have been stuck in one of those contraptions. Many, many years ago (back when I actually went out and visited places) I got wedged in a turnstile at Murrayfield. It was January, it was utterly Baltic, and I had on an old sheepskin jacket that John Motson would have been proud of. Alas, it was so big and unwieldy that it – and by default myself – became jammed in the metal twirly things. Not very dignified, as I recall. My mother still laughs about it.

Thankfully there was no repeat of this fiasco at the Oval. I did wonder if security were going to swoop and demand to carry out a search on the unwieldy package all done up in string. I had visions of people taking it off me and detonating it as a suspicious item! All of which would have been a great pity for Val, who created the masterpiece.

The irony of the cake reaching the Oval safely and then being diverted from its original target makes me smile. Poor old Churchy! Safely delivered into his hands and then taken away for a quick photograph, the confectionary masterpiece was then passed for distribution amongst the hard working ground staff for the odd slice or several. It proved so popular that it sounds as if they demolished the whole thing!

I think some of my fellow Rampants were worried I would be upset, but not a bit of it. As long as someone liked and enjoyed it then I am perfectly happy: my way of saying thank you to those at the Oval for all their hard work. Already I’m trying to think how on earth we top it next year!

Maybe one shaped as a cricket bat...

The Only Way is Surrey

Essex.

As in ‘The Only Way is...’

As in prefix to ‘girls’ (and assorted connotations that go with it, unfair or otherwise).

As in ‘David’, whose singing voice my dad apparently detests.

As in ‘Ardleigh’, where some of my ancestors came from.

As in the small Czech stallion who ran in one of the mid 1980s Grand Nationals.

As in the cricket team whose fans are most likely to bring on a migraine.

Now, no disrespect is intended here to either Essex players or indeed their vociferous and joyous supporters. It’s just that they do tend to be rather loud when they are doing well against Surrey (and let’s face it; that happens rather a lot).

Imagine my relief when in the T20 game a few days ago at the Oval, the Lions surprisingly gave the Eagles a mauling! All was blissfully quiet, my ears got a rest, and Nasser and his other Sky cronies who obviously detest Surrey to varying degrees were forced to do a bit of a U-turn! Certainly the start of the game didn’t go very well for Surrey: Captain Rory this time decided to have a bat first and then both he and Davies took their evening stroll back to the pavilion in super-quick time! I guess having a turbo opening pair has its advantages and disadvantages, because if we could only get the two of them to stick around a bit longer I could see a series of large, virtually unchase-able scores being posted. Ah, well. Such is cricket!

Ansari impressed on his first team debut, both with the ball and a cool, level headed turn with the bat. It was enough to get him named ‘man of the match’, which made a few of the Rampants laugh given how young and angelic he looked. He may be taking exams at Cambridge at the moment but, as was noted by one of our merry band, he could have been mistaken for one of the boy mascots!

A score of 154-7 didn’t seem that impressive. Certainly it was defendable but you felt that given the superstars which pepper the Essex line-up (who wouldn’t want ten Doeschate on their team, let’s face it) they would readily chase it down. The highest scorer for Surrey was Maynard with 45, and it seemed that one really good partnership between Essex batsmen would soon have the game swinging their way.

And then, lo! A miracle! Arafat, criticised in many quarters for not finding any form in the first half of the season, plucked three wickets out the air including the first ball dismissal of Owais Shah! Napier and Southee also went on to make ducks, with the latter being involved in possibly the most hideous run out imaginable (watch out for it on A Question of Sport next year), and Napier using Bopara as a runner because of an injury he picked up in the match. The idea of having Bopara as a runner is almost as laughable as asking Shah to do the footwork on your behalf. The pair of them are run out kings!

Getting ten Doeschate was really the turning point. He’s one of those players who hook in like a giant tic, and refuse to let go until fully sated. And by then it’s usually too late to do anything about it. Every team should have a ten Doeschate, a Trescothick or a Ramprakash. Or even a Murray Goodwin (can’t believe I said that). When Tendo went for 15 the warning lights were flashing in the Essex control panel. And when Foster controversially went (well, when he could drag himself off the pitch after screaming at the umps) for 31 it was pretty much a mop-up job for Surrey. In the end the South London team, who had fielded like divas during the game, won by a whopping 43 runs!

Bet three years ago you’d never have used the words ‘Surrey’ and ‘fielding like divas’ in the same breath! It shows how far they have come. It was only Surrey’s second ever T20 win over Essex, and I can imagine how delighted they were to get one over their rivals after all the years of pain and misery at their hands.

What a pity then that Friday evening’s match against Somerset was rained off! Poor Churchy, Johnny Barran and the Surrey team made the fruitless journey to Taunton with no play possible. Whilst the dynamic duo of Church and Barran filled the time valiantly, if ultimately in vain, they may take some consolation in that there was hardly a single game that could be played up and down the country due to the rain. Surrey may not be that disappointed to take one point from the encounter: Somerset are a good team with Trescothick in the form of his life. There was a very real chance the sabres, as they used to be known, may well have kebabbed Surrey had the game gone ahead...

But the best thing this week from a Rampant point of view was hearing that Mr R had asked his old team, Stanmore, for a game to help keep him ticking over during the T20 gap. One can only assume that rivals Hampstead must have taken one look at the rival team sheet and sent out for every lucky rabbit’s foot or horse shoe in the county!

It didn’t do any good. 61 no made for a lot of smiley Rampants!

Special mention of the week: Mark Church’s trousers. I don’t normally request pictures of a gentleman’s trousers on Twitter. It strikes me that some people might consider that eccentric at best and downright perverted at worse! However, having seen the much-maligned, oft-talked of garment, I can only say I’ve seen worse. Trust me, I went to art college.

If Smudger’s reading this I can only hope he’s bought some new ones, as that was 15 years ago now, and he only owned the one pair...

What a Difference a Day Makes...

Or a week, to be more precise. T20 mania has taken a complete hold in the schedules. Now, as I’ve mentioned before I like a bit of T20 but it would be a lie if I said it was my favourite form of cricket. Yes, as my dad laughingly labelled me at the dinner table today, I am a ‘purist’. My sister thinks I’m nuts: she’d rather eat recycled cat litter than watch 4 day cricket, but coming from someone whose favourite movie musical has the unforgettable line ‘a man can’t sleep when he sleeps with sheep’, I think her ability to pass reasonable judgement on anything is in dispute...

Since the Derbyshire win the wheels haven’t so much fallen off for Surrey as been subject to a couple of slow punctures. After a few promising wins the boys lost comprehensively to a classy Hampshire, suffered the ignominy of having their match against Glamorgan rained off for a single point, and were today thumped by Gloucestershire. I can forgive the loss to Hants, who look to be a formidable force in the shorter form stuff, but the Gloucestershire loss wasn’t good any way you look at it. Especially after it started so well! A great knock from Cockbain was the difference, but you have to say Surrey rather let the Gloucestershire batsmen get away when they had the chance to tighten the thumbscrews on them. It wasn’t really helped when Surrey lost a very early wicket (heard that one before)! From that point on it seemed to destabilise the Surrey batsmen. Alas, teams in our group will look to capitalise on this weakness.

This is what I have learned then in the last few weeks:

Mark Church and Johnny Barran are very cool in the face of incoming cricket balls; if they’d been on the Titanic I reckon they’d simply have gone down with the ship announcing it was ‘a bit of an inconvenience’. Extremely professional in every respect: I fear I would have uttered a “sh*t, that bl**dy well nearly hit me in the b*llocking face!”

If Rory Hamilton-Brown loses his wicket for less than 10 runs the Surrey batsmen start clucking about like headless chickens. A bit harsh of me, perhaps. But given the amount of times it seems to happen I think I’m probably right.

Ramps is not playing the shorter forms of the game at the moment because, as we supposed, he doesn’t have the speed or general fitness given his ongoing recovery from his knee operation. We all guessed this was the reason, but there has been a surprising lack of communication on this point. In fact it was the ‘London Evening Standard' that actually bothered to let the fans know what was going on. I heard someone a few weeks back at the Grange say he’d been dropped because he “was too old”, which nearly resulted in me decking them (derogatory remarks made about my favourite players in any sport tends to bring out my latent maternal instincts). And to be honest, unlikely as this reason was for Ramps’ exclusion, you do tend to wonder what the situation is when there is no actual word from the club itself. The Rampants are collectively paranoid as it is without this kind of thing!

Walk-on girls are not popular with fans. I wanted to call it ‘glamgate’; save that it’s not exactly headline news, and also it makes it sound as if Cosgrove has been up to something naughty in an all-you-can-eat buffet. Basically, some clever chap (I’ll be surprised if it wasn’t a chap) decided the Surrey players were incapable of walking unaided to the pitch at the start of a game and so they would be escorted by ‘glamorous females’. A bit like Old Mr Grace in ‘Are You Being Served’ with his array of nurses.

Speaking as a non-glamorous female, of the rather plain and stocky variety, my comments are probably going to sound a tad suspicious. I did however, like many of my friends and several Surrey supporters I know of, question the reasoning – and indeed sanity – of the whole thing. I rather thought the idea of going to watch a cricket match was to see cricket, not scantily clad girls. Or is that me just being silly?

Anyhow, a small but vocal insurrection soon informed the relevant persons of the lack of wisdom in implementing the ghastly and tasteless idea. It was swiftly dropped. A big gold star to whoever had the courage to call it off: a big kick up the arse to whoever thought of it in the first place...

Kevin Pietersen is not popular with everyone - and to those die-hard fans who put county above country in particular. Witness this from the Gloucestershire game:


“The next batsman in for Surrey is Kevin Pietersen...”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOHISSSSSSSSSSS...”

I mean, what was that about? Even I wouldn’t show that level of discourtesy to KP and he’s not my favourite player by a long way. Poor man just wanted to turn up, do some batting and help Surrey to win the game (hopefully not getting out to a left hand spinner in the process). Well, three out of four ain’t bad...

I have my new smart phone. I can now listen to the commentary at work *blows raspberry at employers who block internet access to cricket*. Of course, I can’t help but notice that since the purchase of the aforesaid gadget, Surrey have done nothing but lose. So, now it seems I can enjoy being miserable in real time as opposed to when I go home after work and check the scores...

Good game, good game!

As Bruce Forsyth might say.

Yes, it ended in a draw that did no favours to either Essex or Surrey in their race to propel themselves up the Division 2 table. I know that a lot of people were predicting a draw at Whitgift even before the game had even started; such was the reputation the ground has as a batsman’s paradise. But even so, it was a contest that had much to be recommended.

You had Napier smashing sixes galore, equalling world records in the process.

You had Cook showing everyone what a classy bat he is, and how much he’s matured over the years into a really smart cricketer.

You had KP trying – and succeeding – to regain his form with some hard graft.

You had RHB making a very smart hundred.

You had a run-chase that, until an hour after lunch on the final day, really looked as if Surrey might be able to go on the attack and sneak a second championship win on the bounce.

It was a gallant effort from Surrey, and fair play to Essex for some very entertaining cricket – especially the stout-hearted defence from the lower order: something that yet again proved to be the Surrey side’s undoing. Unfortunately with Meaker off the field of play and Dernbach not available for the game (he was away getting fivefers for the England Lions) their chief tail-end busters were out of the equation.

Should I mention the shocking amount of extras Surrey managed to garner over the four days? I probably shouldn’t...I know what the sight of a blossoming extras column does to poor Bev! The total may well have been a lot more appealing to chase but for the ghastly 66 in the two Surrey efforts with the ball. Take that away from the 366 or so that they were required to get for a win, and although still unlikely with so little time left in the game they may well have swung the bat a bit more towards the end.

Still, the nice atmosphere of a resplendent Whitgift was expertly delivered by Churchy, Johnny Barran and their Essex counterparts. It does sound like the sort of ground you would really want to make an effort to visit if you were in a position to do so. Maybe one day...

And of course, there was one surprise I hadn’t banked on. When Mr Ramprakash got out for a 12 ball duck, I didn’t hear a peep out of my dad. Not one snort of derision. No teasing. A miracle, in short.

Well, they did say the world was about to end...

Climb every mountain...

Surrey v Middlesex
In a nutshell:

We weren’t very good. They were.

Having had Middlesex by the short and curlies at the very start of the game - with the much longed for wickets (three of the darlings!) of Yasir Arafat making a timely and welcome appearance - Surrey allowed the north London side to wriggle off the hook until they amassed a preposterous 445! The bowling cost Surrey very dearly in the afternoon of day one.

There was a lot of wildlife on display at Lords. A few little ducks for starters. There were also some headless chickens running about as well by the sound of it! The only people with crowing rights were the Middlesex supporters!

The skipper did his level best to drag the score into more reasonable territory but in the face of hardly any backup from his team mates – with one exception – things went so pear-shaped you’d expect to see Masterchef’s Greg Wallace attacking it with a spoon...

Maynard stood alone on the burning deck whilst everyone else either abandoned ship or tried to bail the water out using a sieve. Poor Tom, stranded on 98 not out...it may do his average the world of good, but that’s no consolation for missing out on another century.

Oh, and just to complete the feeling of wicketus collapsicus déjà vu, de Bruyn scored a princely 2 runs in two innings, Surrey having been stuck in again, although it sounds as if Finn bowled the ball of his life to dismiss him second time round. At the end of the day, I guess that's cricket for you! Last weeks heroes suddenly find themselves with the tables turned upon them.

Brilliant effort from Middlesex? Poor show from Surrey? Bit of both? You decide.

This is what I have learned from the two days thus far:

Surrey are missing Meaker.

Surrey are missing Ramps (please come back quickly)!

Surrey are attempting to send poor Chris Adams to an early grave.

Johnny Barran makes splendid unintentional double entendres live on the internet! (I bet Linley will never live down today’s comment!)

‘Climb every mountain’, sang Frauline Maria’s mother superior. Well, Surrey are staring up a huge pig of a mountain. With snow on the top. Brian Blessed’s probably there as well. And he’s eaten all the Kendal mint cake. Not to mention started an avalanche with his shouting. There’s no mountaineering equipment, and the air rescue department are unavailable due to being on holiday for the Royal Wedding.

Oh, and the mountain’s on Mars.

I don’t have an ‘eeek’ emoticon big enough!

So Near and Yet So Far...

Surrey v Northants: Day Four

Well, the match finally stopped pinging and ponging, so to speak. The unexpected poor weather and the umpires finally colluded, decreeing that the game be terminated somewhat abruptly. It was a bit inconsiderate of the heavens to choose the last half hour or so to inflict bad light upon proceedings, but there you have it!

I’m sure that Surrey will be mostly pleased with the way they played over the last few days, but no doubt there will be some small amount of sighing when they look back on what might have been. As Chris Adams said, the overall effort was very good but those crucial moments on day one when the batsmen didn’t quite kick on from the excellent starts they got made the overall difference. Another 150 runs and Northants would have been stuffed from the word go. Instead Surrey let them get a very tricky lead.

So, having played one game and with a draw to their credit Surrey sit mid table, with Northants ironically 1 point head of them. Still, to use another overused phrase, let’s take the positives from it. This did look like a genuinely hungry Surrey team. There’s an energy there that I’ve not seen in a good while and a belief that they can do well. Long term, I think this is going to pay off for them. The batsmen at least look as if they have the ability to play a decent innings, as de Bruyn showed with his 90 odd runs before the lunchtime declaration. And the bowlers all performed very nicely, with some of them toiling away without the results they richly deserved for their effort.

Best moment for me: Meaker upending Sales’ stumps for the third occasion in as many encounters. Poor fella! I hope it’s a while before they next meet, because if Meaker does the same thing subsequently then Sales is going to end up with the nickname ‘Bugs’...

It did feel a bit of an anti-climax, with Surrey having claimed five scalps and Northants all-but deciding to throw in the towel as regards the run-chase, with not enough overs left in the day to make the effort worthwhile. Especially after the herculean efforts from both teams to gain the upper hand! But as the game came to an abrupt and somewhat subdued end, and even despite Churchy and Johnny Barran’s best efforts right to the very last ball, most of the Rampants had already turned over to ITV4 where Mr Ramps and Alec Stewart were punditing on the IPL.

Sorry Churchy...

C'mon the Reg!

So, here we are at the start of a new County Championship, brought vividly to life via the magnificent BBC London ball-by-ball internet coverage. Its commentators - the splendid Mark Church and the suave J Barran esquire – as ever do their level best to make sure we don’t miss a single stroke or ball bowled in anger. And, when like today, the action is bathed in unseasonal warm weather you can simply close your eyes and imagine you’re at the Oval, accompanied by the sound of leather hitting willow...

Unfortunately I was stuck at work running the annual Grand National office sweepstake this morning so I missed the opening salvos. When I got home Michael Brown had long since departed (for a second ball duck, poor fellow) and lovely Gary Wilson – who I still maintain should have the word ‘chirpy’ forever prefixing his name had followed suit for 29.

Dad hailed me with a “your team’s down two players” and my natural reaction was to stare back with dramatically widened eyes, and then I remembered Ramps was still sidelined and felt slightly better. For a few moments at least.

I do feel sorry for Michael Brown. All those months of hard work, trying to get fit after a year on the sidelines through injury, and then out for zero. But there will no doubt be better times ahead. The same goes for all those who felt the sting of the hurty-thirties, with de Bruyn, Maynard and Davies (or Reg, Winegum and Dangerous, as they are known to the Rampants) all suffering early middle-order crisis with scores of 35, 31 & 32 respectively). Actually, de Bruyn picked up his moniker today when our own wonderful Marilyn tried to offer some encouragement with a resounding if accidental typo of “come on the Reg” instead of the more customary battle cry of “come on the ‘rey!” Well, with de Bruyn in and going well at the time it seemed likely that was who she was referring to!

Reg did show us what he was capable of, however, if we had forgotten what a tricky player he can be. Maynard too. He was ticking along nicely with the skipper when he got out. And probably the least said about the Davies run out the better. I still maintain that immediately after lunch a man’s mind – if not his stomach – is on his digestive tract. Two balls after resuming and Davies was walking back to the pavilion. A bit of a shame because, like the others, he had a decent start that he could have capitalised on. And it’s never nice being run out, regardless of whether it’s your fault or someone else’s. Not to mention downright embarrassing...

RHB, a man on a mission to lead by example, provided one of the genuine moments of pride for Surrey with a well-paced, finely executed 74. He has the talent but last year was never really going to be a vintage one. Taking on the captaincy at such a tender age was always going to be a struggle of biblical proportions first season. This year it appears he knows he has to be one of the Surrey mainstays in the absence of Ramps, which I think basically means ‘don’t give your wicket away with a rush of blood to the head’. There were very few signs of impetuosity, certainly: it seemed like an innings that was level headed and controlled. Well, up to the point when he was given out lbw...

And if your top order doesn’t quite do what it should, what then? Well, in the recent past, Surrey did have a tendency to roll over and die when six or seven down, but last year there were signs on a good few occasions that the tail was more than capable of putting up a fight. And lo – today in stepped the mighty St Gareth of Batty to stop the seemingly inexorable slither to a total some way short of 300, with a resounding 64 of his own. Mr Batty really is beginning to fill that priceless roll of all-rounder. Fingers crossed he can be as successful with the ball should the pitch begin to turn on day two.

So, with Surrey all out for 322 claiming their three bonus batting points, and Northants also on three bowling points, it really is all to play for tomorrow: a day which I have to devote to the Grand National, so my multitasking skills will really be put to the test. Between listening to the cricket and watching the racing from Aintree I shall be so distracted that were Clare Balding to pull on some pads and have a bat, nothing would surprise me!

Hurricane Pedro strikes!

Day One: Middlesex v Surrey at Lords

Well, I’m fair-minded enough to give credit where it’s due. I might not like the fact that Surrey have been ground down into the hallowed Lords turf for virtually nothing, but you can’t really argue with the score. And I do like seeing the ex-Surrey lads doing well...I still feel a little sad that the likes of Jon Batty and Scott Newman are gone, even although I can sort of see why the decisions were made. All the same, as a biased Surrey supporter I have to admit I prefer it when they do well against some other team.

We received word from a small Rampant party at the ground that a certain Jean of our acquaintance had her picture taken with Mr Ramprakash this morning! I know this will have made her day totally, so a big thank you to Ramps for taking the time to do that. She’ll be floating on air! I’m not sure we will get her down again in time for the September Oval meet-up!

In terms of the game, I checked the scores at lunch break only to see 80-4 staring me in the face! It was fair to say my jaw dropped a little. I wasn’t expecting a Northants-style massacre and reckoned we might be one or two down, but four??? It took me a few minutes to pluck up the courage to see who had gone, so it was with much relief that I saw Ramps was still in on 21. As usual, you felt that whilst he was still there perhaps there was a chance of pulling something out the bag.

Unfortunately for Surrey, it looks like hurricane Pedro turned up today and uprooted the Surrey batters as if they had been trees caught in the eye of a storm. Ramps perished for 44, although this has taken him to 1281 runs for the season, comfortably ahead of all others at the moment. Fingers crossed Surrey manage to stick around in the second innings, because the way Middlesex are batting the best they might expect is a draw. Ramps is well used to batting a long time to save the day: it may just be tailor-made for him to add a few more to his tally.

The fact Mr R top scored with 44 sort of gives you an idea what the rest of the individual tallies were like for Surrey. Davies, a brilliant opener in the shorter game but perhaps not as effective in this position for the championship, was bowled by former Surrey man Murtagh for 24, whilst Lancefield was lbw for 15 to Pedro Collins. The Surrey rejects have done rather well today! Worse was to follow when the skipper went for a first ball duck, and although I would never dream of criticising a captain’s decisions (which are made at that particular moment) I do wonder if RHB may be regretting the decision to bat first.

Afzaal’s misery with the bat continues: it’s a real shame to see him struggle for runs. Every batsman will hit a sticky patch now and again but his quest to play himself into some form has been somewhat protracted. Today he went for 11. I’m sure various persons will start to call for his head again. It’s a tough life sometimes, being a sportsman. Not that I would know about that. My idea of sport at school was to hide behind the hut during cross-country running for nine circuits and then join in again on the tenth, as fresh as a daisy...

Back to the cricket, although it really doesn’t make for pretty reading. Walters went for 14. No doubt the same people looking for Afzaal’s hide will be gunning for him as well.

Spriegel was the next highest scorer to Ramps with 25. I had hoped he would have come in when Ramps was still there: the two of them seem to work very well together, but it was not to be. Batty made 15, Tremlett 2, Dernbach 12 and Linley was not out for naught (which doesn’t sound right when you say it in your head). It was a somewhat confused performance considering what has gone on in recent weeks, although Dernbach and Linley have to be excused to an extent on account of their recent injuries. It appears that some of the Middlesex bowling was inspired, whilst some of the shots the Surrey batsmen got out to were less so...

With only 167 – yes, that isn’t a typo – on the board it only took until the end of play for Middlesex to surpass it. Two wickets went: Newman for 54, just as he was looking set in concrete, and Simpson for 36. Malan, who I like a lot, has made 35no and Shah is also at the crease, who on his day is a wonderful batsman. If I’m honest he isn’t one of my favourites, but I bet now I’ve typed that he ends up at Surrey replacing Afzaal...

I did enjoy the fivesome (that’s commentary wise before anyone says anything) with Johnny Barran, Mark Church, Dave Townsend, Iain O’Brien and Kevin Hand. I haven’t heard Mr Townsend in an age, so much that I had actually forgotten what he sounded like. I soon remembered, however.

Btw, I meant that in a good way! Anyone who admires Ramps is welcome to share a sponge cake with us, any day. As he quite rightly pointed out he’s pretty darned fit for a man of his age!

That was Ramps, not Mr Townsend.

Ah, now it’s time for Miah’s ‘positivity corner’:

1)Ramps top scored today
2)Ramps passed 34,500 first class runs
3)We might get to hear Andre Nel in the commentary box tomorrow! Nel v Townsend sounds like it might be interesting! My money’s on Andre, btw...
4)Pedro Collins did really well! No, wait...that was a year later than we wanted!

Oh well! Still a lot of cricket to be played and we need Surrey to get their heads down and show the sort of character they have in the last three championship games. I’m looking for the positives as always, and whilst from a Surrey point of view there weren’t many, at least Dave Townsend had something to chortle about at the end!

Best of luck tomorrow Surrey. Give it your best shot, lads!

Ice, Ice Baby!

Day one, Surrey v Leicestershire at the Oval

I enjoyed today very much despite the fact that it was, over all, Leicestershire’s morning. The sun was out here in Scotland’s fair capital, as it was in London, and I have a week’s holiday to look forward to. Dad came through his operation okay, although there was a moment of mild confusion, as when we arrived at the hospital he was missing from his room! Apparently he’d been sent to x-ray without the nurses knowing about it and not, as I joked in bad taste, because he’d been smothered in the night by a patient for snoring like an asthmatic gnu. I offered to lend him my radio so he could listen to TMS but the signal was extremely weak. Perhaps it’s just as well: I’m not sure seven hours of Geoff Boycott is a good idea for a convalescent...

Even as someone who readily admits their idea of a good time is to stay indoors and read a book, and finds the prospect of travelling anywhere further than the city centre horrific, I should have loved to have been at the Oval today with the small huddle of Rampants in the traditional meet-up point of the Wedlake Bell Family Enclosure. Dad’s op sort of knocked that possibility on the head, even if I had found the courage to get on the train to London. I will set my sights on the September Rampant Annual General Meeting and try and get my finances – and my head – into gear. Oh to be a normal person like everyone else and just be able to go places by myself without turning into a nervous wreck!

Liz provided a cake for the dynamic duo of Mr Church and Mr Barran, or rather her granddaughter did. I said I’d give her a name check, so thank you Ashleigh for your hard work! I think the general consensus from the Rampants was that the weather was very hot, that Mr Ramprakash had his built-in Rampant detector on full alert (as he fielded as far away from them as he could again), and that a good time was had by one and all. Also having a good time, it seemed, was a stag party who decided to dress up as Whoopee Cushions, Babies, Robin Hood and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz amongst others! Maybe that’s an idea for September, and the Rampants should make an effort to wear fancy dress. We could have a dance theme!

As for the game, Leicestershire won the toss and decided to bat first, which is what you tend to do at the Oval. Jade Dernbach made an early breakthrough by getting rid of Boyce lbw for a duck, but after that initial spell of tight bowling the Leicestershire batsmen dug in without Surrey being able to take any wickets on a traditional flat batting track. They remained with only one wicket to their credit until after lunch, but by that point I had to visit my dad in hospital and to be honest I didn’t have a clue what had gone on until I got back home at 17.00pm!

The upshot is that Leics find themselves four down for a total of 337, with one centurion in the shape of Jefferson (135) and two other batsmen with very respectable scores of over 50. It’s that old problem of not being able to nip the partnerships out before they form raising its head again, but there’s no point in getting angsty about it as (fingers crossed) we found ourselves in a similar situation against Northants. Hopefully we won’t be relying on Andre Nel to get us out of a fix this time. Especially as he isn’t playing.

There’s still a long way to go in this game, but a long-range weather forecast suggested it was going to pour with rain on Saturday in London. I know it seems difficult to believe it at the moment given the positively tropical weather the UK is enjoying but these things have a habit of sneaking up and taking a positive result away from you. Surrey had maybe better hope that they get a good, long batting session tomorrow some time or it could be yet another draw on the cards.

I remain intrigued however at the idea of there being an international sign from the players for ‘ice bath’. Firstly, I find it difficult to understand why anyone would voluntarily ask for an ice bath even if the weather was hotter than Satan’s Jacuzzi. But given that there is such a signal, what others might there be?

ONE HAND HOLDING AN INVISIBLE CAN, WITH ONE FINGER TUGGING BACK THE RINGPULL: Get them in, Schoey’s paying.

ONE HAND PULLING AT THE REINS OF AN INVISIBLE HOBBY HORSE, WHIP IN LEFT HAND: Find out what won the big race.

ONE FINGER POINTING AT CROTCH ACCOMPANIED BY FRANTIC FLAPPING OF ARMS: There’s a wasp in my box.

The possibilities are endless!

Why the Rampants Like Mark Church

We’ve got a lot to thank Churchy for.

1. He risks attacks by errant wasps to bring us commentary from all over the country.

2. He’s endured tents that have blown away, gazebos that have collapsed and even brought us commentary virtually from within a river.

3. He’s put up with happy clappers, drum-bangers, duck whistles, deafening sirens, noisy crisp-eaters and bottles being smashed loudly.

4. He’s been menaced by giant spiders, suffered horrific back injuries and even had to endure the sight of his effects mic being subjected to indecent assault by randy pigeons, all with little or no complaint.

5. He makes rain breaks entertaining, which is no mean feat!

6. We love the way he says ‘Rrrrrrrrrrrramprakash!’ and 'Shotttttttttt!'

7. Churchy always strikes up a fantastic rapport with whoever he’s working with, be it Trevor Jones, Kevin Hand, Dave Callaghan or with the equally brilliant Johnny Barran.

8. Even when corpsing with laughter he still manages to keep the commentary going.

9. He makes those sending e-mails (no matter how daft at times) feel as if they had contributed something to the programme.

10. He is fair and unbiased in his commentary, and good play by opposing teams and individuals is always recognised and applauded.


But above all, Churchy has saved us from having to look at Ceefax all day for the scores to change...

The fact is, without Mark Church there would probably not be a ball-by-ball commentary. It’s very much his brain-child, and a winning formula that has been repeated successfully up and down the counties. Not everyone can get to the Oval, or wherever the away games are being played, for reasons of distance or illness/infirmity, and for those of us who can’t the internet has really allowed us to feel a part of what is going on. So, thank you Mr C – and Mr Barran. We wanted to say how much we appreciate your hard work.

*And he does all the above with a limited supply of throat lozenges.

Elvis has left the building!

“So that’s how you spell Barran...”

Recent attempts by those not in the know have led to the assumption that Johnny Barran is living a double life as an Elvis impersonator, as suggested by Google. But the truth of course is somewhat different...

Whilst anticipating tomorrow's Surrey v Unicorns CB40 game (no, I haven’t gone all Narnia on you: it really is the Unicorns) I thought I would relate a tale from a Surrey/Middlesex game of a year or so back. The infectiously enthusiastic, fast-talking Kevin Hand of BBC Middlesex was co-commentating on a match alongside Mark Church, and recently acquired stats guru and all-round good guy Johnny Barran.

Having discussed the somewhat disappointing and lax attitude of those who turned up to T20 games as bananas, without even bothering to make the effort to fully zip themselves up, the attention turned to Johnny Barran who, being the new kid on the block, was unsurprisingly the focus of much curiosity. Previous attempts to Google Mr B had led to, well, frankly zero in the way of information or more importantly photographs. Which is always annoying when you have many Photoshop fiends amongst your friends waiting to turn their favourite people into Vikki Pollard, Banana Man or Lady Penelope...

The thing is, you see, you can’t really pick up on spelling over the radio. And nobody realised that lovely Johnny Barran spelled his name with an ‘a’ rather than an ‘o’.

That was until Kevin Hand stepped in at half-time and, having been off air, flicked a few switches, and calmly announced “Johnny Barran...yes, that’s spelled B-A-R-R-A-N.”

Moral of the story? When someone’s been turned into a Little Britain lookalike, they are more than happy to inflict the same treatment on their colleagues!