Stay Rampant

I seem to be developing a nasty habit of stopping posting roughly around Christmas. Post-Christmas sag (which can be best defined as a bad case of “can’t be arsedness” brought on by too much sherry trifle) tends to kick in leaving the new county championship season looking like a distant mirage. Like last year I spent the three months leading up to Christmas by blogging about Strictly, and then simply not bothering with the result. In 2010 there was an excuse, because after I had learned that Deirdre had passed away the whole thing seemed a bit pointless and trivial, so I downed tools and neglected to write a suitable ‘congrats Kara’ post. This year there was no excuse save for the fact that the result was a foregone conclusion and I was too stuffed with countless Cadbury’s Roses to even care that the wee fella from McFly had triumphed.

It didn’t really come as a surprise, did it?

Anyhow, well done to him. I have to say that he deserved to win on the night so I had no problem with the result.

Since then Pat (no relation to Mark) Butcher has joined the televisual choir invisible. Rangers Football club are in so much debt they may have to get McCoist to slip out of his managerial duds, pull on his shirt and play. And Donald Trump is having a ding-dong battle with Alex Salmond to see who gets to be King of Scotland. Poor Mr Trump seems to be under the illusion that in this current economic downturn what Scotland really needs is a bloody great golf course. And Mr Salmond is under the impression that what Mr Trump’s golf course needs are some great big wind turbines spinning merrily in the background...

I’m not a shit-stirrer by nature, but I’m with Al on this one.

In terms of Surrey news there’s been the usual off-season activity: some great and some rather sad. The good: we’ve got Ally Brown back at the Oval where he belongs.

No, not in his bar.

Mr Brown has joined the Surrey coaching staff. I admit I was quite pleased to see him back. We’ve also signed the doughty opener Jacques Rudolph. Seeing as how RHB had been forced into opening due to necessity this is a very welcome development.
The not so good: Meaker and Tremlett have both picked up injuries, and Dernbach is now well entrenched in the England one day side so we may not be seeing as much of them as we would like. We also said a sad farewell to Schoey. I can only hope he gets picked up by some team as he’s no back marker yet, especially in the shorter format.

Mr R is captaining a rather eclectic group of cricketers in the traditional MCC v county champions clash in Dubai. Gareth Batty is also in the team for Surrey. Really looking forward to this! Well, what we can find out about it as I doubt there will be much if any coverage of it either on the radio or in the papers. Still, if there’s one thing the Rampants do well it’s cheering from the sidelines...even with a time differential to take into account. Jean will still be pushing her pineapples and shaking that tree with the best of them!

Talking of the Rampants, the photo accompanying this post was taken by Mel whilst on holiday in Aldeburgh. Just goes to show you that although we may be spread the length and breadth of the country and not able to attend every game, the message is still very clear!

Handsome is as handsome does!

Are Surrey on a roll?

Whilst Middlesex were playing leapfrog with top of the table Northants having obliterated poor, abject little Leicestershire in record time, Surrey found themselves locked in a duel of their own with the former leaders, intent on making a real fist of their promotion challenge. It took a hearty knock from Steven Davies, whose recent turnaround in form has coincided with a greatly resurgent Surrey – and one of the most devastating bursts of speed bowling from Stewart Meaker – to get the upper hand on the Northants side. And make no bones about it: this is a side that had bossed the entire division from almost the start of the season, so for Surrey to not only win against them but to pretty much hang them out to dry indicates just how good the South London team can be.

I mean, take Meaker. That spell of bowling was a joy to behold! Or listen to, in my case. Every ball seemed to either go for zero runs or gain a wicket, to the extent where his tally for a couple of consecutive overs read like the opening theme of Inspector Morse with all its dots and dashes! Like many others I had been listening with a certain creeping sense of resignation that a draw was going to be the likely outcome, something that Surrey could ill afford, and then ‘boom!’ It just goes to show you that little, unexpected passages of play can make all the difference to the result.

Surrey are a powerful side when all goes well for them. There is a lot of depth in their side, and both youth and experience. It’s consistency that has let them down so far. There have been some games earlier in the season that they must now look back on with some regret, and wonder if they’d pressed a little harder would the results have gone their way? Sitting as they do in third place, with a game in hand on Northants, their destiny is very much in their own hands. It would be fair to say that the game with Essex is vital: a win at Chelmsford would take Surrey to within a sniff of second spot. If the weather is cruel, or if Essex play their best, another year in division two is probably on the cards.

Still, that dreaded word momentum is particularly relevant at the moment. Surrey have now won two games on the bounce – and find themselves in a final for the first time in 8 years thanks to a routine cuffing of a lacklustre Sussex Sharks side in the CB40 contest. For the time being, they must focus on the championship, because if they do manage to dismantle Essex the same way they did Northants then perhaps we are in for one of the most exciting championship finishes in both divisions we have seen since 2007.

One of the most disheartening things anyone ever said about me was when I was 15. I was walking home from school with a friend, and two old dears were audibly disparaging the trend amongst the 13 year olds to wear micro-skirts (what’s changed, I hear you ask?) and heels. Their approving glance fell upon me and my friend, remarking that we were ‘sensible and plain’. You have no idea how my heart sank! I mean, I don’t have the legs to wear short skirts. Don’t think I wouldn’t if I could get away with it! It wasn’t for want of effort that I was plain!

Surrey have been a bit plain for years, and it has been constantly remarked on. Flashy gear, money and attitude has not brought them success. There’s been the odd moment of brilliance; there’s been some fine individuals to don the fleur de lis insignia in the last 10 years or so, from Mark Butcher to Jon Batty, and of course Mark Ramprakash who for so long appeared to carry the team on his shoulder in a manner that would have put Atlas to shame! Now at least there is the slightest sense of a duckling turning into a swan. They’ve gone under the knife and had bits chopped away. The lines have been smoothed. The Botox has been injected: the trout pout has died down. What we’re left with is a very pleasing sight. It’s not a bad analogy, at the end of the day.

Although perhaps if I was Chris Adams I’d stay clear of the short skirts and heels.

Wanted for assault: have you seen this bird?

We like Leicestershire.

Surrey enjoy beating Leicestershire. They beat them in the four day game that turned out to be a three day game, and now they’ve beaten them in the CB40! With all due respect to Leicestershire they probably aren’t one of the stronger sides in division two, but a win is a win where Surrey is concerned. And now that’s four wins on the bounce since the right royal doing over that Middlesex gave them not so very long ago.

I’ve been impressed with the character and the resilience that Surrey have began to show. Not so many years ago when looking as if they were facing an impossible task the old Surrey would have tamely folded and bared their necks to whatever attack was raining down upon them. Even if the quality of the performance on Sunday was only a smidge better than workmanlike, it was gutsy and displayed a self-belief that was often absent at certain points last year.

This was best displayed in the first quarter of the game when Surrey managed to lose their first three wickets rather cheaply. Instead of flapping about like a seagull suffering Montezuma’s Revenge they elected to build the total up gradually, taking singles and consolidating their score rather than swinging the bat willy nilly. The score that they ended up with (206-8) was hardly earth shattering and slightly vulnerable to an assault from the likes of Taylor and Du Toit, but considering the dodgy start it was a more than decent effort. The skipper top-scored for the Lions with 57, whilst Maynard (55), Spriegel (28) and Schofield (26) all pitched in with handy little contributions. I couldn’t help but wonder what the watching crowd were making of it, and if perhaps they were wondering if Surrey could defend their total. If the past was anything to go by it was going to be touch and go!

Sure enough, Leicestershire stormed well into the lead and never looked like crumpling until the spin of Gareth Batty was brought into play. From that moment on the game began to hot up, with Cobb dismissed for 45 and, crucially, Taylor falling victim to some nicely measured bowling from de Bruyn for just 3! Five overs or so of Taylor would have made the difference in the game, and once again the skipper demonstrated a certain tactical cleverness in terms of when he made his bowling changes. Jones and Boyce fell for 3 and a duck respectively, and suddenly things swung back Surrey’s way.

But matters began to get a little hairy thanks to Leicestershire’s rooky wicket keeper Dixey, a man whose name keeps causing my cat all manner of confusion (his name’s Dexy). Every time my poor puddy tat is in the room and Churchy mention’s Dixey’s name, the wee hairy fella keeps staring around him in bafflement! Anyhow, keeper Dixey played an absolute blinder to score 42. Whilst he was in you felt there was a chance that Leicestershire might sneak it back! And then there was that horrible, agonising late partnership between Hoggard of all people who had somehow reinvented himself as a batsman and decided to rain fours and sixes down upon Surrey from the position of a defiantly wagging tail! I mean, honestly! Who told Hoggy he could bat?!? He’s rarely shown signs of it before in such an exuberant manner!

If there was one star in the game I would have to pick Meaker. He’s getting a really useful reputation for knocking over the tail end batsmen, which is an invaluable commodity – especially as dismissing the tail has very often been Surrey’s major weakness. When he cleared up Dixey and Leicestershire were all out for 189 I slumped exhausted back in my seat! What a hard-fought victory it had been for Surrey, and in the end well deserved.

I’m not sure how much longer Surrey are going to have Mr Meaker at their disposal, and whilst it’s a stupendous honour for both players and club I think Surrey might once again find themselves with a weakened bowling attach, with Tremlett, Dernbach and Meaker all involved at various levels of the England setup.

So, three out of three wins for Surrey in the CB40, putting them firmly at the top of their group. Even if it starts to crumble a little from here it’s already a huge step up from last year. I know he’s not necessarily popular with everyone but I think Chris Adams has to take a huge amount of credit for starting to turn Surrey’s year around. The young players who are in the squad or on the fringes of it are those who have been identified as having the right attitude, and those older members the ones with the talent and the dedication to set a good example. It makes for a very good blend indeed.

A final note has to go to the recovery of the poor pigeon that was basically subjected to a vicious assault by a crow and a magpie in front of thousands of Oval witnesses. Hero of the hour keeper Dixey stepped in to pick up the mugged and concussed creature, handing it into the tender care of Bill Gordon who took the pigeon to his hut to recuperate from its ordeal. I have to say that although it made a full recovery I was concerned for its welfare for a while.

Bill still has his cat, doesn’t he? I know mine’s partial to pigeon...

On the up

Ugh! I have a cold: one that started during the final knockings of the Surrey Leicestershire game. I could feel its germy microbes spreading through my body just as Nathan Buck’s stump decided to go its separate way from the others. But even although I am typing this with a head that feels as if it’s filled entirely with custard my good mood cannot be assuaged: Surrey won their game yesterday in very good time, and with considerable style.

From bottom of division 2 to fourth spot in one fell swoop! I can only assume that winning the two CB40 games has managed to generate a little momentum within the squad, and having the likes of Tremlett and Ramps back must have boosted the team no end. Whatever the reason, Surrey batted supremely and then backed it up with some really fine bowling as well, as they did unto Leicestershire what Middlesex did unto them the week before.

There were standout performances but this truly was a team effort, and this was the most impressive thing about the Surrey display. How many times have they unfairly been called a one-man unit? True, that man in particular played his part but today there was a real sense of coming together, and as the run tally grew so did the confidence in the side. De Bruyn was every bit the solid number 4 batsman and again scored over 60 runs, whilst Ramps fell just 9 agonising runs short of his first century of the season. Credit to him though: to score 91 in just your second innings in the campaign, having not struck a ball in anger since November is very impressive indeed. For Ramps neither the passage of time or injury has diminished his ability to score runs for his side.

Steven Davies came in with licence to swing the bat, which is precisely what he did until getting out for 37, at which point the plug was pulled by Surrey. Then began the almost impossible run chase as Leicestershire faced the unenviable task of having to carve into a sizeable lead of 423 with five sessions remaining! For Surrey there remained the possibility of rain on the fourth day, and so they set about Leicestershire: a contest that on the face of it was every bit as unequal as a Rottweiler taking on a well-chewed slipper...

Only one man put up any real fight against a revitalised Surrey, and that man was of course the diminutive James Taylor. During the course of his plucky stay at the crease he was on the receiving end of many brutal deliveries, in fact I’m surprised he’s still in one piece (or possessing all his teeth)! The others, Boyce apart with his 41 runs, all capitulated to the constant Surrey barrage: Meaker cleaning up the tail enders with ruthless efficiency claiming 4 wickets in total, Arafat taking 1, and Dernbach showing exactly why the England selectors came calling at the beginning of the year with a stupendous fivefer! It was only right that the final wicket of Taylor fell to him, and the delight at Surrey’s first victory of the season could be seen amidst the joyous celebrations within the team.

It was another good moment for skipper Rory. He seems to be learning all the time, and if Surrey can claim another victory this weekend over Leicestershire in the CB40 then perhaps the collective fortunes of the team are indeed on the up.

Fingers crossed, eh?

Oh, my giddy aunt! Another draw!

Having done the first two days in one post I guess I ought to do the same for days three and four!

It was one of those odd games where the individual performances from both sides were mighty fine, but where the end result felt like being astride a Space Hopper with a slow puncture. After all that effort from Surrey with their massive one-innings total, and the equally belligerent and doughty resolve shown by Glamorgan not to succumb to pressure, the game fizzled into an inevitable draw. Not that draws are necessarily boring: the match in which Ramps got his 100th hundred was fairly entertaining until the rain brought proceedings to a close.

There were all manner of weird little injuries and setbacks throughout the four days. Meaker and Schofield both at various points appeared to be suffering from some malady and Dernbach’s unfortunate indisposition appeared to be the result of a tummy bug. There were bashed fingers on the Glamorgan side, and what at first appeared to be an assault from a wasp later turned out to be an attack of cramp! Both painful, but I’d personally take the cramp any day!

The unexpected rain that had turned up during day three greatly reduced Surrey’s chances of taking the game, as did some wonderful batting from Glamorgan. By the time the final wicket fell (in the nick of time) enabling Surrey to stick them in again, the game had all but slipped from their grasp. It’s all very well saying “just 10 good balls” but when the opposition are equally determined not to lay down and die you may as well add a zero to that number. It was a case of handshakes all round come the eve of five o’clock and the inevitable draw ensued.

The draw does Surrey no favours. It leaves them second bottom already, despite some exciting performances, and next week they will face a resurgent Middlesex who have two wins to their name already this season! Gloves are off now as far as I am concerned. I usually like Middlesex to a certain degree...but not this time. Just this once I’m actually hoping they are ritualistically and miraculously put through the grinder. Now would be a great time for Mr Arafat to find his mojo again, poor fellow. He must be wondering what he has to do to get a wicket: it’s just not happening for him at the moment. Maybe Middlesex will be the catalyst he needs.

After the cricket there was the new series of Doctor Who to look forward to, which got me thinking. Eleven Doctors: where would they play in a cricket team? Of course, the fifth Doctor – resplendent in his cricket whites – would be the obvious choice for captain, but what of the others? Can you just picture it?

Doc 1: My dear young man, that was never out! Now kindly stop bothering me and let me get on, hmmm?

Doc2: Jamie, when I say run...RUN!

Doc3: Good grief! What’s the little fellow in the white coat up to? If I can just reverse the polarity of this cricket ball...

Doc4: I say, Mr Umpire. Would you care for a jelly baby? What do you mean, bribing an umpire isn’t acceptable?!?

Doc5: Can’t stop...must dash! Speak later!

Doc6: Out?!? Out?!? What do you mean, OUT?!?

Doc7: How very splendid, Ace! A six straight off the middle of my umbrella!

Doc8: One moment! I can’t run! These shoes...they just don’t fit!

Doc9: Oi! Do you mind? There’s nothing wrong with a sonic cricket bat!

Doc10: Oh...brilliant shot! Absolutely brilliant! Well...sort of brilliant. Well...okayish. Well...actually it was rather poor, but nevermind. Alon-zi!

Doc11: Fish custard again for lunch break. Can somebody please get new caterers?


The possibilities are just endless!

A welcome in the valleys

The story so far:

It’s day two, at the Swalec in beautiful Wales. Surrey are playing Glamorgan.

No, I mean it. They are! Genuinely! Last year I made a comment that it seemed Surrey were always playing Glamorgan for some weird reason. Some problem with an unravelling causal-nexus, no doubt, or some freaky wormhole in time. But I wasn’t the only one who had remarked upon the fact that no matter how many different teams there were in division two, it always seemed to be Glamorgan that was playing against their team!

Alas, Mr Cosgrove (he of the stout heart and even larger waistline) no longer seems to play the longer form of the game for Glamorgan, but don’t let that fool you into thinking there are no batsmen in their ranks. For that matter, I’m sure the idea of facing a Ramps-less Surrey must have allowed the Welsh side to really fancy their chances of stealing a march against Surrey, given the fact that a fair few previous encounters have ended in stalemate.

So, what do a maestro-less side do when the going gets tough? Answer: find someone prepared to stick around long enough to play the same brilliant type of innings!
Today Surrey found three people who did just that. Firstly, big props to Schofield who fell agonisingly short of a well-deserved hundred, run-out on 99! That is just plain cruel. Equally big kudos to de Bruyn who, ever since we started calling him Reg, has flourished beyond all expectations from the wonderful batsman we knew him to be, to a mega-batsman of Rampresque stature. You can’t really get a better compliment than that, so I won’t go on about it save to congratulate him on his 172.

But the star of the day was Tom Maynard, back facing the club from whence he had come to not a few unsporting boos and jeers from the Glamorgan supporters. The best riposte therefore that Maynard could have given came in the form of his fantastic 123...a well crafted innings that saw him delightedly punch the air when the big moment arrived. Whether he really deep down wanted to turn to the crowd, waggle his fingers in his ears and shout “na na na naa naah!” we will never know, as he was too much of a gentleman to respond in such a way.

I would have!

Imagine. A side boasting a middle order of a fully fit Ramps, de Bruyn and Maynard – and with Davies, Brown and Hamilton-Brown on their A game – would be nigh on impossible to face down! At last Surrey seem to have the men to support Mr Ramprakash, and hopefully that will allow him at long last to feel the burden of expectation being lifted from his shoulders. Although no doubt playing his own game whilst the likes of de Bruyn play theirs may result in some very silly and massive scores! If all elements of the puzzle slot into place this is potentially a very serious Surrey side.

And let’s say a word for the bowlers, because having declared on 575-7, the Surrey team manfully stuck to their task, with three wickets for Meaker and one for Batty. Glamorgan closed on 95-4, and will have to be mighty careful tomorrow not to lose any quick wickets or else they could find themselves facing the ignominy of being stuck in again...

The only slightly worrying side note was the absence of Dernbach, having bowled a few overs and then being taken off, either as a precaution or for ongoing physio. Fingers crossed it’s not too bad.

So, from a Surrey point of view this has gone rather nicely at the end of play. Moment of the day however came from the magnificent Mark Church with the following piquant observation:

"Batty's pulled."

Pause.

"Hamilton Brown to one side..."

That would have been fast work indeed from Gareth Batty whilst still on the field of play!

So Near and Yet So Far...

Surrey v Northants: Day Four

Well, the match finally stopped pinging and ponging, so to speak. The unexpected poor weather and the umpires finally colluded, decreeing that the game be terminated somewhat abruptly. It was a bit inconsiderate of the heavens to choose the last half hour or so to inflict bad light upon proceedings, but there you have it!

I’m sure that Surrey will be mostly pleased with the way they played over the last few days, but no doubt there will be some small amount of sighing when they look back on what might have been. As Chris Adams said, the overall effort was very good but those crucial moments on day one when the batsmen didn’t quite kick on from the excellent starts they got made the overall difference. Another 150 runs and Northants would have been stuffed from the word go. Instead Surrey let them get a very tricky lead.

So, having played one game and with a draw to their credit Surrey sit mid table, with Northants ironically 1 point head of them. Still, to use another overused phrase, let’s take the positives from it. This did look like a genuinely hungry Surrey team. There’s an energy there that I’ve not seen in a good while and a belief that they can do well. Long term, I think this is going to pay off for them. The batsmen at least look as if they have the ability to play a decent innings, as de Bruyn showed with his 90 odd runs before the lunchtime declaration. And the bowlers all performed very nicely, with some of them toiling away without the results they richly deserved for their effort.

Best moment for me: Meaker upending Sales’ stumps for the third occasion in as many encounters. Poor fella! I hope it’s a while before they next meet, because if Meaker does the same thing subsequently then Sales is going to end up with the nickname ‘Bugs’...

It did feel a bit of an anti-climax, with Surrey having claimed five scalps and Northants all-but deciding to throw in the towel as regards the run-chase, with not enough overs left in the day to make the effort worthwhile. Especially after the herculean efforts from both teams to gain the upper hand! But as the game came to an abrupt and somewhat subdued end, and even despite Churchy and Johnny Barran’s best efforts right to the very last ball, most of the Rampants had already turned over to ITV4 where Mr Ramps and Alec Stewart were punditing on the IPL.

Sorry Churchy...

Surrey v Northants: Day 2

Don’t. Start. Me.

I’ve had it up to my neck with all the anti-Grand National idiots that conveniently come out the woodwork whenever a horse meets a regrettable end in the race. So, this is a blog post about cricket, and about the National, as I spent the day tying myself in knots trying to listen to both!

I go back a long way with the National. I’ve loved it since I was four. My enthusiasm for this historic sporting event is therefore unwavering, and I and have locked horns with people defending it. And will continue to do so.

I'm always sorry when horses are killed - I love horses (they are very noble animals). What gets my goat is when people single out the 'National for vitriol...I mean, if people think horse racing in general is cruel then okay: it's not a view I share but I can understand that line of thought. Picking on the 'National because it's so high profile is idiotic in my opinion. Horses tragically die every day at race courses but it gets no attention because few people watch racing on TV any more. But the world and his wife tune in for Aintree, and when fatalities sadly occur everybody's walking about with placards and banners.

There are aspects of racing I'm not so keen on - I wish that more money was donated from betting to go to equine welfare - and it took the rather high profile and sad case of my favourite ever racehorse to have the law made more favourable in that regard. But horses, whilst they are in training, live like absolute kings in 5 star accommodation. Some sadly have their lives cut short, but they'll have had a damn good life up to that unfortunate point! Most are better looked after than some people in this country. And the more vehement protesters who say that races like the 'national are cruel and liken it to out dated blood sports like bull fighting are missing one very obvious point: the object of horse racing is not to kill the horse. In bull fighting it is.

My issues with horse racing, such as they are, stem from what happens to the animals after their racing days are over. More care ought to be taken on that front.

I think I've always loved the 'National because it seems a bit like a metaphor for life: you get the best and the worst things reflected in it. Such wonderful, fabulous tales that you could sometimes not make up in fairy stories! And, alas, the more tragic side as well.

Sorry for rambling. I've had it with the drum beating, ill-informed people on Twitter who never look at the facts before opening their rather ridiculous mouths and sprouting nothing but nonsense.

It’s a good thing I had the cricket before and after the race to calm things down! Day two of Surrey versus Northants continued to swing in favour of first one team and then back to the other, and so on, to the extent where I now have not got the slightest clue as to who if anyone is going to come out on top! You would have been tempted (pre-Grand National) to say that it was Surrey’s day, because after a rather slow first hour things suddenly started to happen for the bowling side. Linley should be upgraded from Viscount to Duke if you ask me for his hard won fourfer. Absolutely brilliant! And, just when little annoying (from a Surrey p.o.v) partnerships threatened to spring up – for example White with a very respectable 78 – in stepped Linley to nip it in the bud. Having taken the first wicket for Surrey last year it came as no surprise that he should do so again today.

There were two wickets for Gareth Batty, and one for Meaker who memorably turned poor Sales into his Bunny by doing unto him exactly what he did last time he faced him, bowling him for a duck. I can’t see Sales being overly keen to face Meaker in the next Northants innings somehow...

With eight wickets down it seemed only a matter of time before either Middlebrook, who I rate highly, or Hall, managed to get out and so I switched my attention to the National expecting to find Surrey batting again when I came back. Not only was Surrey not batting, having come back to the game an hour later, but Middlebrook and Hall were still there! And all credit to them as well for sticking in so obdurately when it looked as if Northants were going to be swept away on a Linley shaped wave.

Tomorrow’s going to be crucial for both teams. Surrey have to get rid of this turbulent partnership double-quick, to paraphrase Henry the 2nd (although hopefully not using swords, cudgels and other pointy things). And more than anything, when they bat next the boys will have to stick in and not give their wickets away like most of their batsmen did first time round. Defeat in the first game should be unthinkable. Because I don’t think Chris Adams will be in the mood to accept anything but a win!

You think that ‘National is violent? Wait until you see the reviews in the papers if Surrey fails to deliver yet again. It’ll be a field day...

All in the stars

Now I remember why I leave for work at 6.50am each day. Getting on the bus at 9.30am when the bus is full of screaming children being taken to nursery is not pleasant. Not that I have anything against children: I must have done a bit of screaming myself at that age. But it doesn’t make for a peaceful start to the morning! I bypassed the Orks today and went shopping with mum. Unfortunately I broke my promise never to buy a pair of jeggings: I’m pretty sure it’s not a look that suits ladies over size 12. You’d never think I had a diploma in fashion!

I did get back in time to hear most of today’s game, and it was very interesting indeed! Obviously it was a tad disappointing when Ramps was bowled for 21 (most of the Rampants listening were fairly genteel although I shan’t repeat the phrase used by Jan!), but the game has at least moved on now. And I guess it needed to given the loss of the whole of yesterday. Davies played well, riding his luck at times but top scoring with 62. Walters again got his head down and made a timely 45. The rest more or less were similar in terms of scores, with RHB, Ramps, Harinath and Tremlett all hitting 20s. Lancefield hit a well crafted 37, Spriegel a slightly more cameo 1, Batty 19 and Dernbach...a somewhat deflating first ball duck.

Sussex did bowl well, however. Arafat pick up a fivefer and Panesar also claimed 4 scalps. The plan of the day seemed to lie with frustrating and stifling Surrey’s runs, which did work in the morning session, but as with the Sussex first innings the tail began to wag a little in the afternoon. If the pattern repeats itself Surrey will have hopes of bowling Sussex out quickly: time to wheel out South London’s very own Sherman Tank in the shape of Tremlett, methinks!

The chase by Sussex of the Surrey 75 run lead started positively, but Meaker claimed Nash for 22 and night watchman Panesar for a third ball duck, leaving Thornley on 0 and Joyce on 16no at stumps. I bet Meaker was miffed that the game had to stop, as he had got in to a lovely rhythm. I hope he can continue tomorrow, as I am back to work and no doubt up to my eyes in genealogical records again. It’s been a nice mid-week break but much as I love my job, all that it’s achieved is to make me want more time off! Oh well, London in a few weeks. * gulp *

Now for something completely different.

Harinath: Aries
Lancefield: Libra
Ramprakash: Virgo
Davies: Gemini
Hamilton-Brown: Virgo
Walters: Cancer
Spriegel: Pisces
Batty: Libra
Meaker: Aquarius
Tremlett: Virgo
Dernbach: Pisces

This was the composition of today’s squad. Does this prove that Virgos are the star attractions when it comes to cricket?

One Nelluva day!

Surrey v Northants: Day Three at the Brit Oval

I’m so glad I took a half day from work, even although nothing much actually happened for the majority of it from a Surrey point of view! Okay, I was feeling ill and headachy until after the lunch break, and fell asleep on the fold-down bed (which I managed to break for the second time in the space of a week) but to be honest I don’t think I missed that much by the sound of it. Churchy’s got such a soothing voice that I kept drifting in and out of consciousness. I wonder if he’s considered a sideline career in doing audio books? Get him to read ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’ and ‘Mog The Forgetful Cat’ to the kids: he’d make a fortune!

What I did gather from when I was actually awake was that Surrey had one wicket to get in the Northants first innings. It took a bit of time but you always felt it was a formality, really. Possibly that’s why I kept zedding all the time! I did actually hear Brooks’ departure, with Batty picking up another wicket: his fifth in the game as it turned out. Brooks likes to tonk the ball about a bit looking at the shots he played: four 4s and three 6s are not bad from a tail ender! But at the end of the day all Northants managed to achieve was one solitary batting point, and Surrey were quick to stick them in and have another crack at them.

I was going to use the old simile of ‘three busses turning up at once’, but perhaps I’d better not. In Edinburgh we’re still waiting for our trams to arrive. If Surrey waited for a wicket as long as we will have to wait for the work in the city centre to finish, they could have expected to dismiss Peters sometime in 2013...

As it happens it did seem that was the way it was going to pan out. Cricketers must have incredible patience and concentration. For so long nothing happened, and I was reduced to waking myself up with the sound of my own snoring (which quite disgusted my cat who was sleeping on the chair in the same room), punctuated with pleas to the cricket gods to grant Surrey a wicket or two before the heavens opened again. And then, lo and behold, from out of nowhere Peters was dispatched with typical Günter efficiency for 50. It was as if the cap had been unscrewed on a violently shaken bottle of Diet Pepsi, for no sooner had the pressure been released by the wicket of Peters than Howgego was Howgegone!

Wait...this gets better.

Sales went for a duck, bowled by Tremlett. And then Tremlett also got White, whom he’d almost managed to turn into a eunuch with his previous delivery, for a resounding zero! Four wickets gone with no further runs added! Tremlett and Nel must be one of the bowling duos you’d least like to face on the county circuit at the moment. Even when hobbling like Long John Silver Andre gives it everything, and Tremlett has become increasingly accurate and economical the more he’s played.

And then there’s Stuart Meaker. Gareth Batty had a pretty fine haul of wickets today, but then so did Meaks. With five down you really felt Surrey had a really good chance of finishing the game with a day off for good behaviour. If it wasn’t quite ‘start the coach time’ you were probably thinking that the Northants driver was behind the wheel! And sure enough, another little clump of wickets fell in the same way they had in the first innings: Wakely out for 7 runs to a catch by Nel that sounded as if it was right out the top drawer! Sometimes you feel it’s a bit of a pity that the cameras are static and focussed on the middle in the replays, and I guess this is one of those times! And then shortly afterwards Hall departed for 2, with Meaker taking another. It all seemed a little too good to be true; although Chigumbura tried to show the same stubbornness he had whilst occupying the crease the day before. When he went for 25 it was definitely looking like a Surrey victory was inexorably heading the way of the home team.

There remained the small matter of Murphy, whom Meaker removed for 8, Lucas (brilliantly caught by Afzaal for 14) and Brooks (brilliantly but hilariously not-caught by Afzaal). Poor old Usman has had a mixed game: failing with the bat yet again but always seemingly popping up at a vital moment to claim a wicket, take a catch or turn himself into a two-seater propeller aeroplane. The non-catch, following almost immediately from his sublime take of Murphy, reduced Tremlett (and Mark Church) to tears of laughter. Considering someone once said that Afzaal’s fielding reminded them of ‘a bear doing aerobics’ he’s probably not done too badly!

Brooks and Middlebrook appeared determined to delay the expected outcome, but it was inevitable that the final wicket would fall to Afzaal, and to be caught by man-of-the-match Ramprakash. Did Afzaal run after him for his customary hug? I don’t know, because just as inevitably I was sitting down to tea when the last wicket fell! Grrrrrrrr!

So, there you have it. A win for Surrey by one innings and 175 runs, I kid you not! If it was an episode of a Dynasty-style soap opera, the credits would go up with RHB and Spriegel as the young, dashing brothers, Nel and Tremlett two nightclub bouncers, Batty as the local sheriff, Meaker as his apprentice, M R Ramprakash as the lord of the manner and Afzaal as...er...the one with big shoulder pads. But even if the massive total was built upon Ramps’ hefty 248 the fact is this was a triumph for the whole team: their first at the Oval since back in 2007! Every one of them contributed to the win in some way.

Even the lemon tree on the boundary bowed its branches in respect!

The bigger they are, the harder they hit!

Day Two: Glamorgan v Surrey at Swalec

Odd sort of day this. It feels like day one, but of course it is day two.

One moment it looked like Glamorgan were on top. Then it swung towards Surrey. And then with the last session it went back Glamorgan’s way. From a Surrey perspective, annoying little partnerships kept sprouting up like unsightly fungus between toes. Every time you thought you’d got rid of the problem it reappeared.

Perhaps the biggest – no pun intended – threat to Surrey was Mark Cosgrove. Cosgrove’s love of the good life has already been documented, and it would be fair to say that as cricketers go these days he is a little on the large side. But am I the only one who finds this a pleasant throwback to days spent batting on the village green, scoffing down cold pies and drinking warm beer at lunch? I know cricket’s stuffed full of super fit humans who can lift up a horse box with one hand whilst doing 200 miles on an exercise bike, but c’mon! To tell someone that they are too portly to play for their national side when they have as much talent as the skinny blokes on the team is a bit naughty. Cosgrove can still move; he isn’t Mr Creosote!

And indeed, he proved as much again today by rapidly accumulating 82 runs from 107 balls, with the usual mixture of fine shots and serial killer-crazed bludgeoning, whilst fellow opener Rees went about his business in a slightly more refined manner. That both openers went whilst in the 80s was more to do with the quality bowling served up by the Surrey side rather than any horrific errors. Or bribes of a “wafer thin” after dinner mint...

Only kidding!

Meaker looks fast and frisky these days, especially now that the Sat Nav appears to be taking him in the right direction rather than telling him to take a right turn into a lake. Three wickets fell to the young man, whilst Dernbach, fresh from his incredible efforts alongside Andre Nel, dusted off the superhero costume once again and had claimed four wickets by the end of play. Looking at the relatively low scores of the day, Dalrymple for 11, Wright for 23, Maynard for 3 and Allenby for 15 you would think that Surrey would be feeling pretty good about things right now. But then look at the flip side: 58 for Wallace and 49 for Harris, and then add it in to the scores by Cosgrove and Rees, and you’re past the foot fungus stage and looking at gangrene!

I must say here that Linley also bowled very well for no reward. I think he must have run over the umpire’s dog yesterday.

All in all, a very good display of disciplined bowling and some very entertaining batting. But the highlight of the day for me was when Churchy said this about Mark Cosgrove:

“The proof’s in the pudding.”

Young At Heart

Short match report, day one: Surrey v Bangladesh at the Oval

I personally found day one of this game rather interesting, for a number of reasons. From a Surrey perspective it was more curiosity, as the team was stacked full of promising youngsters that I had heard many good things about, but never actually seen. Or rather heard, as it’s difficult to see someone via the radio. I know Churchy’s good, but that would exceed even his abilities. If RHB had actually been captaining the average age of the squad would have reached 15.3, all of which has left me feeling extremely old. And it’s not a feeling I much care for either!

Where was I? There were one or two familiar faces: Chris Schofield standing in as captain as RHB probably had homework to do. Sorry, the age gag is getting a bit old (although it's the only thing that is). Usman Afzaal, probably missing the chance to leap Total Wipeout-style on his buddy Ramps, was also in the squad – presumably to get significant, confidence boosting time at the crease. Additionally it was great to see the return to Matthew Spriegel, who was in the first team a fair amount last year, with the result that I think everyone sees him as a seasoned pro rather than the young man he still is.

Lancefield interests me, in that he’s a possible to make a first team championship debut at some point. You get the feeling that he’s almost knocking at the door...just reaching for the handle, in fact. And Laurie Evans really deserves another chance. Perhaps with Michael Brown still on the sick-list he’ll get the chance to open with Harinath?

Young Mr H has actually impressed me over-all. He’s not afraid to take it slow, and quietly accumulate whilst his partner does his own thing. The Rampants like him so much; in fact, we gave him the nickname ‘Turtle’. He may be slow, but he always gets where he wants to in the end! And we shouldn’t forget our other first-class debutant, young Mr Dunn. I’m looking forward to seeing what he can do against a side that fairly bristles with experience and international class players.

A quick word, then, about Bangladesh. I really like their team, and I found their enthusiastic supporters to be lots of fun. Usually, these kinds of matches can be played as glorified county games to an audience of one man and a Pekinese called Trixie, but they had a nice little atmosphere building throughout the day, reaching to a crescendo as the mighty Ashraful came into the attack. I’m sort of torn between wanting Surrey to do well and hoping to see Bangladesh at their best, taking the fight to the boys.

Firstly, the brilliant: Matthew Spriegel scored his highest ever total with the bat for the first team and finished 108 not out. If he doesn’t get to slot back in at, say, six in a team that looks at least one batsman light then it will be a shame. The equally brilliant Meaker also showed how good he could be with the bat, coming agonisingly close to a maiden hundred and falling a mere six short in the end. Again, this was Meaker’s highest first class score, following on from his best haul with the ball in the Gloucestershire game.

The, er, not so brilliant: I’m afraid poor Afzaal didn’t really get going as we hoped he would. A few dramatic shots, one very nice stroke for four, and then out for a total of six runs. Probably not what either Usman or Chris Adams was hoping for. Captain Schoey managed one run less, but made five more than chirpy Gary Wilson who had a nice stroll to the crease, faced two balls, and had a less pleasant stroll back to the pavilion...

Evans looked quite comfy, and it was a surprise when he got out on twenty two as it appeared that he was going quite well. Harinath was playing his usual game, although the shot he got out on didn’t sound the best, and in the end he went for n-n-n-n-nineteen, as Rory Bremner might have said.

The real pleasant surprise was Lancefield, who scored an impressive forty seven. He must have been kicking himself when Spriegel and Meaker scored so heavily. I keep thinking of Geoff Boycott saying “them’s my runs”, but Lancefield made a good impression on his debut, and it won’t have done him any harm.

A surprise declaration made by Schoey on the fall of Meaker’s wicket meant that Surrey had posted 318, mostly scored by M&S. I’m not suggesting Meaker and Spriegel start their own food and clothing empire, but if they do I would like to complain that I can never get my size of bra without having to get under wiring. Maybe I should just shove two Tiflex balls into a small hammock and sling it underneath my arms for the same effect...

Ahem.

So much for day one: some good, some indifferent. All of which leaves me a bit puzzled. I love trying to second-guess Chris Adams and I am curious as to what he will do in terms of the championship games. Do you dare drop Afzaal, and give him a chance in the second team to re-discover his form? Do you, perish the thought, drop Ramps in similar fashion, who hasn’t looked out of touch as such but has only managed two competitive totals in his games so far? By the way, that was just me thinking out loud because if Mr Adams dares to drop Ramps I will come down to the Oval and ping him with a lot of large rubber bands. It may not sound like a deterrent but I am an extremely good shot...

On another note, Mr Meaker (I always think of Rentaghost when I hear that name) managed to hit a pigeon that got in the way of his shot. I was just thinking that the Kennington Pigeon Murderer had reappeared, but thankfully for the birdie in question it managed to stagger away minus some feathers. The search for a nickname for Stuart Meaker continues, as I am not calling him the Kennington Pigeon Plucker...

Oh, and on a completely different note, my spellcheck wants Arun Harinath to be known as Arran Hairnet. Spellcheck Cricket: maybe it'll catch on!

Blessed are the Meak-er...

Short Match Report Day Two – Surrey v Gloucestershire at the Oval

Something odd is happening at the Oval. Yesterday I said "It looks like a typical batting track", but wickets have clattered all day: unfortunately from a Surrey point of view all their wickets have clattered, and for not very much. Stumps have gone flying, fingers have gone up...it’s been an unusual type of match, this. The Oval isn’t always known as a results sort of a pitch, by and large, but that’s what we are almost certainly looking at. So, the question is: has a result wicket been prepared or is the ball just seaming about a bit more than expected?

Mr Watchtower Tremlett, who stands as high as the Statue of Liberty, didn't survive the first over this morning and the Surrey innings sort of phutted out after that. Ramps scored 12, RHB went for another quacker, and every single dismissal barring one solitary run-out saw the batsman bowled. All for the princely sum of 178.

But...

Just when you’d usually find yourself morphing into Victor Meldrew and yelling incoherently at the BBC scores page, something happened in the Gloucestershire second innings: more wickets tumbled at speed. At the close of play, Gloucestershire were 139-7, with Meaker bowling perhaps the greatest spell of his first class career, taking four wickets.

The rapid progression of the game should bring both comfort and worry to the home side. If the wickets fall quickly (and hopefully minus another stick-tight partnership from the Gloucestershire tail) then all the better for Surrey. But the fact that all three innings thus far have shown how difficult it is to bat – something I never thought I would say – must have alarm bells ringing. It’s not impossible with a whole two days left to plug away and chase down the target as long as it’s not a total monster, but keeping the wickets intact is going to be the major obstacle here.

I will maintain my insanely optimistic view that it can be done until proven otherwise. I ended volunteering to hug the Surrey team after their great effort on day one. The offer’s still on the table, boys, if you manage the win!

Oh, and it appears that the Oval fox has taken a liking to young Harinath, now known as 'the Fox-Whisperer'. If only Surrey had leant him to Sussex for a small fee...he could have done a Pied Piper and charmed Mr Reynard away!