Shop for Victory!

This is my favourite pic of the epic Surrey v Kent game. In it you will see that RHB has sent the lemon tree to field in the gully...





Anyhow, I’m so behind now it’s unbelievable! That’s what a holiday in London will do for you.

In the last few weeks we have been knocked out the T20s (the phrase see ‘last post’ has a peculiarly apt double meaning), won a nail-biter in the county championship against Kent, and been roundly thrashed by Middlesex (again). I don’t like the fact we were thumped by the old enemy, although at least a mighty knock by de Bruyn and Maynard, surely the most shrewd acquisitions for Surrey in many a year, at least put us back in the contest, if briefly. Whilst not the flat out demolition by our North London rivals that we suffered at the Oval earlier this year, it must have jolly well stung like a bad case of piles!

Middlesex and haemorrhoids: there’s a combination. But, for the moment, back a few weeks to slightly happier times and the victory over Kent.

A quick recap then of the game.

Surrey won the toss, batted first, and made 387. Yet again de Bruyn showed his brilliance with a peerless 179.

Jason Roy had gone for 4 before we got in to the Oval...in fact we heard Ramps’ name being announced over the speakers just as we were heading towards our customary place in the Wedlake Bell family enclosure! Ramps went for 12, although I can’t say he looked in bad nick. Far from it, in fact: I was rather surprised when he did go because there were some beautiful shots in his rather brief stay. He provided Kent’s Balcombe with his first wicket for Kent: I suppose it’s a good one to get!

Still, the Rampants were royally entertained, especially Liz who is Gareth Batty’s biggest fan (her man scored an important late innings 65). RHB managed 34, but the others didn’t quite do so well with Davies making 17 and Maynard 19. The other scores were even less substantial, which just goes to show how important de Bruyn’s contribution was in the context of the game.

The Surrey bowling was very impressive, with Kent out for 250. Blake impressed with 95 and would surely have gone on to inflict more damage on Surrey but for being run out by Jason Roy, and together with Jones had formed a partnership more irritating than sand down the crack of a bikini-clad bottom! Meaker and Linley shared top honours with three wickets apiece, with Batty taking two and Tremlett one. However, my favourite player for Kent was undoubtedly Riaz. Something about the Oval wicket must have had him channelling Usman Afzaal, for on several occasions he felt the need to express his inner aeroplane when running in to bowl! It didn’t do him any good when it was his turn to bat, however, as he was caught for 4 by Ramps.

Serves him right for trying to use Mr R as a runway during the Surrey first innings.

Things got a bit dodgy for Surrey when they were all out for 184 in their second innings. Every time the clouds came out a wicket seemed to fall, in what seemed a very confused batting effort. Ramps tried to bed in with his customary grit but still managed only 20 (Annabel and I had actually left before this). Balcombe was again brilliant, taking five Surrey wickets, although it was Joe Denly who took the wicket of top scoring Davies for 39. Whilst the second innings hadn’t gone swimmingly for Surrey, it did go swimmingly for me as well, as I’d had a few bottles of wine from the bar, but that’s another story!

In reply Kent’s revival was very much down to their colossus Rob Key. Picture, if you will, a scene on day four where Rob Key dons the role of Gandalf to the younger members of his team. No, I don’t mean he sported a long beard and a pointy hat. Nor am I suggesting the Kent line-up is full of tiny Hobbity people. I know Kent is supposed to be the ‘garden of England’ but there was nothing about Middle Earth as far as I’m aware. What I’m referring to is Rob Key’s mighty “thou shalt not pass” moment. Give a man like Key a stage to perform on and boy, does he go for it!

The team kept chip-chip-chipping away at Kent. Great news for me as I got lots of good photos! I’m going to sound patronising for a moment, so forgive me, because ‘little’ Ansari makes me want to affix ‘bless him’ to his name due to his youth, and there he was in his first championship game looking all shiny and new, as if he’d come straight from primary school with his little rucksack and PE kit! Okay, slight exaggeration for dramatic purposes. But hang in there, because I’m trying to set the scene for later on...

Now, Gandalf...sorry, Key was still holding up his end for Kent. Sorry if that’s a bit rude-sounding, but there you have it. Batsmen came and went with frightening regularity around him, but you always felt that whilst he was still there Kent could possibly sneak it. And as day four beckoned (Annabel and I had decided not to go to the Oval given that it could be a short stay whatever the result) there remained a paltry number of wickets for Surrey to claim and an equally small number of runs for Kent to chase. It was very much game on!

So, there we were on day four, in a branch of ‘Next’ on a well known street in London. Annabel was trying on tops in her cubical, whilst I was womanfully struggling into a tunic-dress and attempting to listen to the remainder of the game on my smart phone. Not an easy thing to do, as it transpires, as you keep getting the ear phones all tangled up in your bra. Ten out of ten for contortionism, however! It’s okay when you’re trying on one item but when you’ve got six to clamber in and out of...well, I had to take the earphones out.

And that was when Ansari – bless him – struck!

It had all looked as if Kent were going to flop over the finishing line with Key eating up the runs like they were Scotch pies, and then Ansari stepped up and bowled him! Hats off to Key and his magnificent 162. He and de Bruyn had shown between them exactly how experience counts in moments of crisis. Key had played a titanic innings, but alas like the good ship he foundered right when it mattered. I managed to locate Annabel as she headed off to pay for her clothes and I was standing at the very opposite end of the queue when Shaw was caught by Roy without scoring. I have to say I think the man who was serving behind the till must have thought me quite mad by frantic gesticulating and air punching. He wouldn’t be the first to think it!

And so ended a marvellously entertaining game to watch and a fabulous victory for Surrey! They came away with the win, the points and I came away with a dress which I shall always think of as my ‘Surrey dress of certain victory’.

Only problem is I shall have to wear it all the time now.

The Only Way is Surrey

Essex.

As in ‘The Only Way is...’

As in prefix to ‘girls’ (and assorted connotations that go with it, unfair or otherwise).

As in ‘David’, whose singing voice my dad apparently detests.

As in ‘Ardleigh’, where some of my ancestors came from.

As in the small Czech stallion who ran in one of the mid 1980s Grand Nationals.

As in the cricket team whose fans are most likely to bring on a migraine.

Now, no disrespect is intended here to either Essex players or indeed their vociferous and joyous supporters. It’s just that they do tend to be rather loud when they are doing well against Surrey (and let’s face it; that happens rather a lot).

Imagine my relief when in the T20 game a few days ago at the Oval, the Lions surprisingly gave the Eagles a mauling! All was blissfully quiet, my ears got a rest, and Nasser and his other Sky cronies who obviously detest Surrey to varying degrees were forced to do a bit of a U-turn! Certainly the start of the game didn’t go very well for Surrey: Captain Rory this time decided to have a bat first and then both he and Davies took their evening stroll back to the pavilion in super-quick time! I guess having a turbo opening pair has its advantages and disadvantages, because if we could only get the two of them to stick around a bit longer I could see a series of large, virtually unchase-able scores being posted. Ah, well. Such is cricket!

Ansari impressed on his first team debut, both with the ball and a cool, level headed turn with the bat. It was enough to get him named ‘man of the match’, which made a few of the Rampants laugh given how young and angelic he looked. He may be taking exams at Cambridge at the moment but, as was noted by one of our merry band, he could have been mistaken for one of the boy mascots!

A score of 154-7 didn’t seem that impressive. Certainly it was defendable but you felt that given the superstars which pepper the Essex line-up (who wouldn’t want ten Doeschate on their team, let’s face it) they would readily chase it down. The highest scorer for Surrey was Maynard with 45, and it seemed that one really good partnership between Essex batsmen would soon have the game swinging their way.

And then, lo! A miracle! Arafat, criticised in many quarters for not finding any form in the first half of the season, plucked three wickets out the air including the first ball dismissal of Owais Shah! Napier and Southee also went on to make ducks, with the latter being involved in possibly the most hideous run out imaginable (watch out for it on A Question of Sport next year), and Napier using Bopara as a runner because of an injury he picked up in the match. The idea of having Bopara as a runner is almost as laughable as asking Shah to do the footwork on your behalf. The pair of them are run out kings!

Getting ten Doeschate was really the turning point. He’s one of those players who hook in like a giant tic, and refuse to let go until fully sated. And by then it’s usually too late to do anything about it. Every team should have a ten Doeschate, a Trescothick or a Ramprakash. Or even a Murray Goodwin (can’t believe I said that). When Tendo went for 15 the warning lights were flashing in the Essex control panel. And when Foster controversially went (well, when he could drag himself off the pitch after screaming at the umps) for 31 it was pretty much a mop-up job for Surrey. In the end the South London team, who had fielded like divas during the game, won by a whopping 43 runs!

Bet three years ago you’d never have used the words ‘Surrey’ and ‘fielding like divas’ in the same breath! It shows how far they have come. It was only Surrey’s second ever T20 win over Essex, and I can imagine how delighted they were to get one over their rivals after all the years of pain and misery at their hands.

What a pity then that Friday evening’s match against Somerset was rained off! Poor Churchy, Johnny Barran and the Surrey team made the fruitless journey to Taunton with no play possible. Whilst the dynamic duo of Church and Barran filled the time valiantly, if ultimately in vain, they may take some consolation in that there was hardly a single game that could be played up and down the country due to the rain. Surrey may not be that disappointed to take one point from the encounter: Somerset are a good team with Trescothick in the form of his life. There was a very real chance the sabres, as they used to be known, may well have kebabbed Surrey had the game gone ahead...

But the best thing this week from a Rampant point of view was hearing that Mr R had asked his old team, Stanmore, for a game to help keep him ticking over during the T20 gap. One can only assume that rivals Hampstead must have taken one look at the rival team sheet and sent out for every lucky rabbit’s foot or horse shoe in the county!

It didn’t do any good. 61 no made for a lot of smiley Rampants!

Special mention of the week: Mark Church’s trousers. I don’t normally request pictures of a gentleman’s trousers on Twitter. It strikes me that some people might consider that eccentric at best and downright perverted at worse! However, having seen the much-maligned, oft-talked of garment, I can only say I’ve seen worse. Trust me, I went to art college.

If Smudger’s reading this I can only hope he’s bought some new ones, as that was 15 years ago now, and he only owned the one pair...

Times; they are a' changing

So, it would be safe to say that the pre-season team re-jigging has well and truly begun! We have already:

Released Usman Afzaal

Presumably lost Andre Nel

Gained Kevin Pietersen permanently

Gained Zander de Bruyn

Gained Tom Maynard

Gained Yasir Arafat

Signed up Rory Burns, Zafar Ansari, Tom Lancefield and Tom Jewell from the lower ranks.

Actually, if you have all of the team (or at least most of it) firing at once you are in danger of having a cohesive little unit for what seems like the first time in an age. You have a wealth of youngsters who the skipper knows very well, you have older heads like de Bruyn (who I shall hitherto refer to as Zander because I’m struggling with typing his surname in repeatedly) and Ramps (when/if fit) and the occasional appearance of Pietersen. From a Surrey point of view it’s a real shame to lose Tremlett to England although understandable - and well deserved – but I do think that the signing of Arafat has been a canny one, especially as he will be available all season. Of course, most of the Rampants were very pleased by the fact Yasir’s rather easy on the eye as well, but that of course didn’t come into my line of thinking at all.

I’m guessing Liz is shaking her head at me now. Hehehehehe...

Tom Maynard’s an interesting acquisition. He had a lot to prove and left his beloved Glamorgan in unfortunate circumstances, but he certainly has the ability to be a very destructive batsman and I could see him making a mark in the one day games in particular. The young Surrey lads are all potential stars waiting in the wings to make an impression, much as Jason Roy has already done.

The loss of Andre Nel is a difficult one to quantify. Perhaps he hasn’t done as much with the ball on those flat, beautiful Oval wickets as you would hope, yet there’s just something about Andre that made him a box office draw. That wonderful stand with Dernbach last year will stick in my memory for many years to come. As for Afzaal, I wish him well at Derbyshire. I’ll miss him running over to Ramps every time he took a wicket with an improbably slow ball, and hearing how Mr R kept running out the way!

We have new sponsors. Brit Insurance have gone after a solid amount of years supporting the team, which means unfortunately my Surrey drinking mug is out of date! Does this mean I have to buy a new one or do I just pretend that nothing’s changed, as the ignorant so-and-sos at work won’t know any different (except perhaps Ian, who strikes me as the sort of person who would know that kind of thing)? Kia is now the official sponsor at the Oval. I keep wanting to say ‘IKEA’ but that of course is another kettle of flat pack self-assembly furniture...

And last but certainly not least, Bill Gordon is no longer head groundsman, although he is still there in an assistant/advisory capacity. If the new fella that’s come in has understudied Bill he will no doubt be very successful (and I want to point out again that I was not the Rampant who made reference to Scott Patterson being extremely ‘fit’). I mean, honestly! Also, a big thanks to whomever it was who agreed that we could have Deirdre’s ashes scattered at the Oval. I’m sure the idea would have tickled her, and it will give every future trip to Kennington a certain poignancy.

Whilst players come and players go, Dominic Cork continues to wobble and weave his magic on the ice every Sunday night (although for how long remains to be seen). I don’t think he’s going to win Dancing on Ice. I’m not even sure he’s going to be there next week, but fair play to him for having a go at what is an extremely tough sport.

You should’ve done Strictly, Corky!