Climb every mountain...

Surrey v Middlesex
In a nutshell:

We weren’t very good. They were.

Having had Middlesex by the short and curlies at the very start of the game - with the much longed for wickets (three of the darlings!) of Yasir Arafat making a timely and welcome appearance - Surrey allowed the north London side to wriggle off the hook until they amassed a preposterous 445! The bowling cost Surrey very dearly in the afternoon of day one.

There was a lot of wildlife on display at Lords. A few little ducks for starters. There were also some headless chickens running about as well by the sound of it! The only people with crowing rights were the Middlesex supporters!

The skipper did his level best to drag the score into more reasonable territory but in the face of hardly any backup from his team mates – with one exception – things went so pear-shaped you’d expect to see Masterchef’s Greg Wallace attacking it with a spoon...

Maynard stood alone on the burning deck whilst everyone else either abandoned ship or tried to bail the water out using a sieve. Poor Tom, stranded on 98 not out...it may do his average the world of good, but that’s no consolation for missing out on another century.

Oh, and just to complete the feeling of wicketus collapsicus déjà vu, de Bruyn scored a princely 2 runs in two innings, Surrey having been stuck in again, although it sounds as if Finn bowled the ball of his life to dismiss him second time round. At the end of the day, I guess that's cricket for you! Last weeks heroes suddenly find themselves with the tables turned upon them.

Brilliant effort from Middlesex? Poor show from Surrey? Bit of both? You decide.

This is what I have learned from the two days thus far:

Surrey are missing Meaker.

Surrey are missing Ramps (please come back quickly)!

Surrey are attempting to send poor Chris Adams to an early grave.

Johnny Barran makes splendid unintentional double entendres live on the internet! (I bet Linley will never live down today’s comment!)

‘Climb every mountain’, sang Frauline Maria’s mother superior. Well, Surrey are staring up a huge pig of a mountain. With snow on the top. Brian Blessed’s probably there as well. And he’s eaten all the Kendal mint cake. Not to mention started an avalanche with his shouting. There’s no mountaineering equipment, and the air rescue department are unavailable due to being on holiday for the Royal Wedding.

Oh, and the mountain’s on Mars.

I don’t have an ‘eeek’ emoticon big enough!

Swings and roundabouts

Surrey v Northants day 3

I may have to cut this report a tad short. I’m informed there’s a rogue wasp loose in the house.

Whilst I’m not as phobic as my sister when it comes to the nasty, striped, pointy ended barstewards (I don’t tend to turn into gibbering, high-pitched version of Beaker from the Muppets, arms flailing like a human windmill) I can’t say they’re my favourite things in the world. And the fact there’s one hiding in a corner somewhere waiting to get me is making me distinctly nervous.

Anyway, the story so far.

You will recall that the ping-pong like nature of yesterday’s play had meant that both Surrey and Northants appeared to have periods when each side got their snouts in front. Well, the same thing happened today with perplexing regularity. I’m still confused as to where this one is heading. An awful lot is going to depend on how long de Bruyn (or Reg) sticks around in the morning and how quickly he scores. It’s going to be a tricky balancing act; take too long and the game will dwindle to a draw. Undercook it and suddenly Northants will be chasing down that target like an avenging angel...

Middlebrook proved himself utterly obdurate in the face of reasonably decent Surrey bowling; probably now earning the title of the tail ender you would least like to face at the death. It took an absolute age to shift Hall courtesy of Gareth Batty, and by then the worst of the damage had been done. The Surrey lead was whittled down, then equalled, and then surpassed with rapidity. And just when you expected the next two to capitulate, both Lucas and Daggett refused to fall on their swords! Lucas did eventually go, and then finally Middlebrook (who had reached a well deserved century en route) succumbed for 103 just a few balls before lunch.

Hats off to them for making this game an interesting one if nothing else.

The opening partnership of Brown and Wilson finally had the chance to show what they could do by way of reply, and I think it potentially could be a good one for Surrey long-term. Brown put a relatively good total on the board before perishing for 46, but at least he will take a small amount of satisfaction with the way he batted. Wilson too got into the forties before being undone by a rather wicked googly. Are you seeing a pattern here? Remember the case of thirty-itus that struck down the batsmen on day one? Well, with the exception of Davies who sadly managed only a score of 11 in the second innings, each wicket that fell went in the forties (the skipper making 41). If de Bruyn makes 45 tomorrow or thereabouts you’ll know somebody has hexed us...

So, there you have it. The old cliché about the game being ‘delicately poised’ was never more true than in this instance. Surrey still have batting to come, but if things get sticky and de Bruyn falls cheaply you’d have to fancy Northants for the win, as the total they would be chasing probably wouldn’t be nearly enough. A score of 260 or thereabouts might at least give Surrey a chance of bowling Northants out, or at the least securing a draw, but anything less and it’s probably ‘Goodnight Vienna!’

With its many twists and turns, Deirdre would have loved this game! But I can’t help but feel she’d have loved it more were it to twist in Surrey’s favour!

C'mon the Reg!

So, here we are at the start of a new County Championship, brought vividly to life via the magnificent BBC London ball-by-ball internet coverage. Its commentators - the splendid Mark Church and the suave J Barran esquire – as ever do their level best to make sure we don’t miss a single stroke or ball bowled in anger. And, when like today, the action is bathed in unseasonal warm weather you can simply close your eyes and imagine you’re at the Oval, accompanied by the sound of leather hitting willow...

Unfortunately I was stuck at work running the annual Grand National office sweepstake this morning so I missed the opening salvos. When I got home Michael Brown had long since departed (for a second ball duck, poor fellow) and lovely Gary Wilson – who I still maintain should have the word ‘chirpy’ forever prefixing his name had followed suit for 29.

Dad hailed me with a “your team’s down two players” and my natural reaction was to stare back with dramatically widened eyes, and then I remembered Ramps was still sidelined and felt slightly better. For a few moments at least.

I do feel sorry for Michael Brown. All those months of hard work, trying to get fit after a year on the sidelines through injury, and then out for zero. But there will no doubt be better times ahead. The same goes for all those who felt the sting of the hurty-thirties, with de Bruyn, Maynard and Davies (or Reg, Winegum and Dangerous, as they are known to the Rampants) all suffering early middle-order crisis with scores of 35, 31 & 32 respectively). Actually, de Bruyn picked up his moniker today when our own wonderful Marilyn tried to offer some encouragement with a resounding if accidental typo of “come on the Reg” instead of the more customary battle cry of “come on the ‘rey!” Well, with de Bruyn in and going well at the time it seemed likely that was who she was referring to!

Reg did show us what he was capable of, however, if we had forgotten what a tricky player he can be. Maynard too. He was ticking along nicely with the skipper when he got out. And probably the least said about the Davies run out the better. I still maintain that immediately after lunch a man’s mind – if not his stomach – is on his digestive tract. Two balls after resuming and Davies was walking back to the pavilion. A bit of a shame because, like the others, he had a decent start that he could have capitalised on. And it’s never nice being run out, regardless of whether it’s your fault or someone else’s. Not to mention downright embarrassing...

RHB, a man on a mission to lead by example, provided one of the genuine moments of pride for Surrey with a well-paced, finely executed 74. He has the talent but last year was never really going to be a vintage one. Taking on the captaincy at such a tender age was always going to be a struggle of biblical proportions first season. This year it appears he knows he has to be one of the Surrey mainstays in the absence of Ramps, which I think basically means ‘don’t give your wicket away with a rush of blood to the head’. There were very few signs of impetuosity, certainly: it seemed like an innings that was level headed and controlled. Well, up to the point when he was given out lbw...

And if your top order doesn’t quite do what it should, what then? Well, in the recent past, Surrey did have a tendency to roll over and die when six or seven down, but last year there were signs on a good few occasions that the tail was more than capable of putting up a fight. And lo – today in stepped the mighty St Gareth of Batty to stop the seemingly inexorable slither to a total some way short of 300, with a resounding 64 of his own. Mr Batty really is beginning to fill that priceless roll of all-rounder. Fingers crossed he can be as successful with the ball should the pitch begin to turn on day two.

So, with Surrey all out for 322 claiming their three bonus batting points, and Northants also on three bowling points, it really is all to play for tomorrow: a day which I have to devote to the Grand National, so my multitasking skills will really be put to the test. Between listening to the cricket and watching the racing from Aintree I shall be so distracted that were Clare Balding to pull on some pads and have a bat, nothing would surprise me!

Here we go again!

So, here we are. The first championship game of the year is hurtling towards us like...a giant hurtling thing. I’ve been quite bursting with anticipation (not a pretty sight at the best of times) over the last few weeks for the start of the county championship, even although it feels pretty odd that Mr R won’t be fit to take to the field for some time yet. As a Surrey fan I am interested to see how the team do in his absence. As a Ramps fan it’s just a little weird...a bit like Destiny’s Child without Beyoncé.

That was a strange analogy! Anyhow, you know what I mean.

Surrey have already gone through their pre-season warm ups, and I think we have to accept that this is exactly what they are and basically not panic before the main event. It was lovely to see Michael Brown return, and equally magnificent to hear that Chris Jordan is back and bowling (not to mention taking wickets) for the team. I do think that Surrey need the maestro back as soon as possible, however, looking at the rather Ramprakash-sized gap in the middle order scores. People like Ramps – and let’s be honest, Dominic Cork, Robert Croft and Marcus Trescothick – are more than just run scorers or wicket takers. They are lucky charms and bring not only years of experience with them but have that bit of magic about them: the aura that belongs to the battle scarred veterans who cheat time, and hold the seasons at bay.

Surrey will be missing their chief lion for the first part of the season, but it needn’t all be doom and gloom. The show must go on, and fingers crossed by the time everyone is fit and firing Surrey will be winning games once again.

Best of luck, lads!

Strikes, Slings and Soggy pitches

First of all, the good news!

Gary Wilson claimed his maiden first class century today! A big ‘huzzah’ for Mr Chirpy, who really battled hard and put on a worthy display. He eventually went for a fantastic and well crafted 125.

Jason Roy got his maiden first class half century! A very encouraging display, and an indication that although he likes to go for his shots he can knuckle down and graft. I think it would be fair to say that there have been doubts about his stickability from certain quarters, but he’s certainly one to keep an eye on in the future.

As for the not quite so good news, it would be fair to say that Ramps probably had hoped to add more than zero to his overnight score, and I imagine he would be pretty annoyed to get bowled by Hoggard (it was always going to be him) so early on this morning. Still, he may not feel satisfied exactly but his contribution to the final innings tally of 483, with maximum batting points, was sizeable to say the least, so he can take some consolation from that.

I tweeted at lunchtime to say that knowing my luck I would get home in time for the heavens to open and for the game to lose the whole afternoon session to the weather. I can’t claim to challenge Mystic Meg for once, because the elements were always going to close in and wreck the game. It doesn’t look promising for tomorrow either. Leicestershire are currently 32-0, and if things don’t improve then this is the way it’s going to stay for some time!

Not exactly good news, but not bad news either:

Michael Brown tweeted to say he’d gone under the knife for treatment on his elbow injury. I suppose if something’s got to get done, I guess it’s got to get done. But who wants to have their arm sliced open? Poor Browny seemed rather stoical about the whole thing. Personally, I’d have spent the whole day hiding in a cupboard somewhere so the surgeons couldn’t find me. Best wishes to Michael from all the Rampants, and here’s hoping he makes a complete recovery so that he’s fighting fit and ready to do battle next year for Surrey.

And now the really, irritatingly woeful news:

There’s a bleedin’ tube strike on the 7th September. I am cursed with trips to London, I swear it. Liz and I will just have to roll up our trouser legs and flash our ankles at a passing taxi driver in the hope they take pity on us!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Finding the positives

I only caught little bits of tonight’s T20 game against Middlesex due to ‘technicals’ (a computer that decides to switch itself off without prompting doesn’t help matters) but I have to say under the circumstances it’s probably for the best. In short, we got thumped.

And in fairness you can’t really argue with the result because we were outplayed in nearly every respect. That we actually made it to 120 in the end came as something of surprise given the rather grisly start Surrey got off to. It was a rather unfortunate game for the Rampants, in that (due to more technicals) when the commentary cut in, Ramps was immediately run out without a score on the board. Not the best start. And when Roy went for 0 as well, it sort of set the tone for the game.

As I’m not really in a position to relay what happened in either innings, and because I prefer to be positive in adversity (following on from half an hour of superstition-led ‘mea culpas’ and banging my head off the desk), let’s just say the better team won on the day, just as Surrey were the better team against Middlesex at Lords. However, make no bones about this: our chances of qualifying for the next round of the T20 has gone from ‘possible but difficult’ to ‘oh look, there’s a whole squadron of Gloucester Old Spot flying over the OCS stand...’

On a personal and selfish level, I am a little disappointed. Not with the fact that we won’t qualify but because I do love the idea of beating Middlesex in London derby’s. Oh, well...there’s a championship game coming up in the near future. *rubs hands*

And I’m sooooooooo not reading any on-line papers for a week, or visiting Oval World or indeed the rather amusing Middlesex forum either. If I want to be depressed I’ll watch the EastEnders omnibus.

I challenged myself to find a positive after tonight’s drubbing and I’ve managed to come up with one: we got to hear Michael Brown in the commentary box again! If there was a T20 for commentary the Surrey boys would win hands down. The Rampants are rather taken with Browny. He fits in very well with Churchy.

He’s honest, loquacious and likes a slice of jam sponge.

*************

Okay, next morning and feeling a little more positive than yesterday. It's Friday, the boss isn't in, and I've made a few decisions regarding the trip to the Oval in September that were weighing on me a little. Feeling much happier than before and can only attribute last night's uncharacteristc angst and gnashing of teeth to the uncertainty of this past month. Going to just chill out and listen to the game tonight. Qualification is a virtual no-no, but as one of the Rampants said "the fat lady ain't singing yet."

She is frantically polishing her trident before she goes on stage, however!

Surrey's sixtacular win!

Today’s T20 game against the Kent Spitfires achieved three things. Firstly, it was Surrey’s first back-to-back win in the contest for a few years. Secondly, they finally managed to win a game at the Oval! And thirdly it propels Surrey into position three in the Southern table, just behind Middlesex on run-rate. How long it will stay that way, who knows? But I say let’s enjoy it whilst we can. Perhaps we can continue our recent change in fortunes and sneak an unlikely win against Sussex on Sunday!

The game was really a tale of three Misters: two being Duckworth & Lewis and the other being Mr Symonds, who peppered the stands with so many sixes I feared for the watching spectator's pints. It’s been a while coming but the Australian six machine suddenly sprang into life to bring some much needed verve and dash to a faltering Surrey innings.

I’m going to try a little reverse psychology here. All along I’ve been saying how wonderful and potentially destructive I thought the opening partnership of RHB and Davies would be, but overall they’ve been disappointing when running in double harness, so to speak. So, in an effort to take the pressure off them, I’d just like to tell them how rubbish they are. I don’t actually mean it, but I’m saying it anyway. You’re both garbage and I have no expectations of you whatsoever. There; now I’ve said it you can go and rake up lots of runs!

They both managed a splendid 3 runs each today. Just goes to show that good players have bad days...it’s just that they can’t afford to have them at the same time! Ramps came in, got 10, and was then caught by Key off the bowling of Stevens. To make matters worse Younus Khan only scored one more than Mr Ramprakash. An all too familiar collapse looked on the cards and no doubt Chris Adams was looking for something heavy and brick shaped to repeatedly hit his head off. But, just as in the Somerset game, a rather handy partnership formed at just the right time, with Stewie Walters and a bull-like Andrew Symonds running amok, launching fours and sixes all over the place, to the extent that even when Walters managed to get out late on in the innings it was almost a formality that Surrey would reach 150 (something they did off the last ball).

In the end Symonds was out for a resplendent 62, bowled by former Surrey favourite (well, at least he was one of my favourites!) Azhar Mahmood. Schoey was run out for 1, whilst Batty was 10 not out at the end and Andre Nel finished with a perfectly formed 0.

The weather had been fairly ominous, with little slips and slides from time to time. You will recall a few games back that Ramps had managed to get run-out when slipping trying to get back to the crease. Something a little more comical happened when Kent’s Rob Key managed to end up on his bottom in the middle of the wicket, run out for just 2! Nevermind, Rob! It happens to the best of them! When Surrey got rid of the hugely dangerous Van Jaarsveld for 10 they must really have been feeling things were going their way at long last. Northeast likewise made 10 before being dispatched by Linley, deputising for the injured Dernbach. Geraint Jones made 12 until being caught and bowled by Symonds, and then it was a case of Blake’s 3, caught by Davies off Nel.

The seemingly unstickable, brilliant Darren Stevens however began to form a rather enviable partnership with Azhar Mahmood, no mug with a bat himself, and had the weather not suddenly taken a turn for the worse the game may well have been too close to call. Fortunately, Duckworth Lewis came down Surrey side, with the Oval crowd finally given a reason not to boo their team (they were probably all too wet at the time to muster up a discontented squawk). Being ahead on run-rate at that point and with no realistic chance of continuing the game, Surrey and Kent shook hands before seven o’clock with a much deserved win for the home contingent.

Oh, totally random recollection. My primary school nurse was called Mrs Duckworth. You used to go to her if you felt ill, and she’d just smile, pat you on the head and say “that’s a shame, dear. But I can’t help you, so why don’t you go back to your classroom?” Today it was Kent being awarded the commiseration of a pat on the head.

For Surrey, it must be satisfying to string a couple of wins together, even if it was D/L assisted. The crowd were able to go away happy at least in the magnificent display by Symonds, clearly having re-discovered his mojo. Quite a display, and along with Walters the pair rode to the rescue, Lone Ranger style. Not saying which is Silver. Not giving Ceci ideas with the old Photoshop either!

Kudos also to Churchy, Arrun ‘the Baron’ Harinath and Michael Brown for their work in keeping the commentary going when the heavens opened! Wasn’t Michael Brown a character in the Paddington bear stories? Maybe he should be requesting marmalade sandwiches instead of sponge cakes! Michael, I’m a dab hand at the old jam sponge even if I say so myself but as I live hundreds of miles away I don’t think anything I made would get to you 1) on time and 2) in a state fit for human consumption.

However, seeing as you were so desperate for a sponge cake, you can have the one in the picture! Enjoy!

Commentary Classics

Here are some particular favourites noted from the ball-by-ball commentary over the years...


Churchy: People will be going down to have a play with themselves!

Churchy: As long as Strauss is out there Middlesex have a chance of putting a total on the board...and he's BOWLED!

Churchy: There's a lady banging out there with her thunder sticks...

Churchy: Pedro Collins tends to use other parts of his body rather than his hands to stop the ball.

Churchy: Banging the back of your head with your bat is a good sign you're unhappy...

Churchy: I'm being menaced by a big brute of a spider!

Churchy: Is it just me or is our tent getting smaller?

Churchy: Saqlain went down in installments.

Churchy: Damp squid.

Churchy: I won't say we're back to proper cricket, because that would be wrong...but we are back to proper cricket!

Churchy: Saqlain's like a doubled-up windmill!

Churchy: I'm going to do it standing up through this over, so to speak...

Churchy: That's a lovely bit of wood he's got there!

Churchy: When the sun goes behind the clouds it gets very dark...

Churchy: It's never good to have your proceedings interrupted - whatever you're doing.

Churchy: Wicket to wicket, stump to stump.
(In sure and certain hope of the resurrection?)

Churchy: I want to put some romantic music on for Murtagh and Shoaib...

Churchy: Shoaib's grabbing children and having his picture taken with them whether they like it or not!

Churchy: If Vaughan was the rabbit in the Duracell advert he wouldn't be banging his drums any more!

Churchy: I shouldn’t imagine you’ve been afraid of a streak or two...
(to Johnny Barran, regarding hair lightening)

Churchy: I suppose the acid test will be tomorrow morning, won’t it? When he wakes up...
Michael Brown: Or the acid test will be whether he can get out of bed or not.

Churchy: Butcher, not happy with something, wanders off to square leg. Mainly because Robert Croft was in completely the wrong position. He was at third man...
Michael Brown: Although there is a seagull or a duck down at fine leg...
Churchy: It’s either that he’s moving to fine leg or that he’s following the seagull.
Michael Brown: Maybe he wants the seagull a bit squarer...


Churchy: England have lost a wicket. Michael Brown has pointed to the TV and stuck his finger up. Now it’s either that or he wants me to leave the box...

Churchy: Off goes Cosgrove in fairly hot pursuit...

Churchy: You played some lovely shots there!
Michael Brown: Yeah, I dunno what got into me!

Churchy: We’ve waited four sessions for cricket, we’ve had an hour and twenty three minutes and we’re now having a drinks break...you often see one player go off for a call of nature, but it’s not often you see three at the same time...


Churchy: The one thing I would say with Mark Cosgrove is from a commentators’ point of view he’s an easy man to spot...

Churchy: I think that’s gone all the way for six. Has it? We’ve gone upstairs...I’m watching it again on the telly now...that’s six. That will be a six...I think that will be six...watching that again, think that’s gone all the way from Chad Keegan. Umpire Duddleston still waiting. Umpire Gale watching it again, but I think that’s gone all the way for six! I think that’s six? It’s gone all the way for six? I think? Oh, it’s four. Shows how much I know!

Churchy: It doesn’t do you any harm if you go well on TV. They have a big influence, because of course a lot of people watch televised games.
JB: Especially the selectors.
Churchy: Yes, indeed they do. It means they don’t have to go to the game.


Churchy: Kevin Hand is going to potter off; Johnny Barran is going to come back in to the chair away to my left hand side...he’s deep in conversation about very important matters, I think. Like finding a drummer.


Churchy: Texas Tom’s e-mailed in...also you might want to mention to Mark in Madrid that if he keeps having issues with the stream he may want to consult a physician....what I would suggest is if you are having trouble with your stream, is turn it off and turn it on again! That usually does the trick, I find!


Churchy: A story I’ve never told Matthew Church...I had one of his bats for a couple of years that sponsors sent to me by mistake, which I just kept hold of!

Churchy: There’s a lady to our left in a cagoule, which excites me anyway, because I haven’t seen a cagoule for a while...

Churchy: It’s good running from Grant Elliott. He’s done pretty well there, has Grant Elliott. Also he’s done pretty well to keep his trousers up.

Churchy: Three overs ‘til the break: three overs ‘til my mum’s fruit cake gets unwrapped.

Michael Brown: Chris Schofield’s cost £41 for the haircut and I think £65 for the parking fine that he got. £106 pound haircut.