Poetry Corner: A Christmas Tale

Not very seasonal, I have to confess! But all the same I did enjoy penning this poem. I want to make it perfectly clear, because I have no wish to be taken to task for defamation of character, that to my certain knowledge none of the people whose names pop up in this ditty behave remotely like this in real life. Although given the recent Lord's 'windowgate' maybe not...

At the time this was written the late, great Bill Frindall was great and not late, and Kevin Pietersen had not yet been relieved of his 'head boy' responsibilities. Which is why it all seems a little dated now! Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it, and if you are Phil Tuffnell, Mark Ramprakash, Freddie Flintoff and especially Mike Gatting, please don't sue me...

A Christmas Tale


T’was the night before Christmas
And down in the pub
The cricketers sat down
To cheap booze and grub.

The WAGs all gyrated
To bad karaoke.
Whilst Tuffers attempted
A poor hokeycokey.

It was a night of celebratory fun
And back slapping.
The applause rang out
In continuous clapping.

Butch stood on a table
Conducting the tunes
Played by his team mates
On their knees, using spoons.

In the midst of their chorus
There came a loud swoosh
In the chimney stood a man
With a beard like a bush.

A jolly old soul
With a nose red from drink.
And a belly that had no
Inclination to shrink.

The cricketers stood open mouthed
In surprise.
It looked as if Santa
Had scoffed lots of pies!

The big fellow in red stood
All aglow from the kindle.
“Don’t you know who I am?”
Tuffers answered. “Bill Frindall?”

He exclaimed, “I am Santa!
There’s no need to fear.
I’ve come to imbibe
And spread good Christmas cheer!”

“I have presents,
For all you young cricketing scamps.”
He looked down at his list
And then asked “Which is Ramps?”

A timid young man
Slowly raised his right hand.
Santa asked “Are you really
The best in the land?”

“You’re joking!” Laughed Warnie.
“He’s never the best!
Any fool can wear sequins
And puff out his chest!”

“Ah, shuddup!” Exclaimed Tuffers.
“You loud-mouthed buffoon!”
And he pulled down his trousers
And gave his best moon.

The more that Ramps squinted
The more he felt certain
It was someone he knew
Dressed in a red curtain!

The large, jolly figure
Delved around in his sack
And pulled out a long parcel
From amidst a great stack.

He said, “I know what you want;
It will help with your batting.”
And then Ramps clicked his fingers.
And declared. “You’re Mike Gatting!”

Santa shushed his young friend
With a raise of his brow.
His cover was blown
But he wanted no row.

Ramps gave a loud whoop
And held up his present
The handle felt comfy
The grip was quite pleasant.

“A brand new Gray-Nicholls,
Exactly your thing.”
Santa warned, “However, take off
both the paper and string!”

The cricketer swished
With his bat in his hand
He was surely the greatest
In all Eng-er-land!

He thought, “Santa Gatting’s
A very fine bloke.”
And removed Murray Goodwin’s right leg
With one stroke.

A cry came from behind
“Hey, what about me?”
“What’s your name?” Asked Santa.
The reply came “KP!”

Santa looked down his list.
“Do you deserve a new toy?”
“But of course!” Cried young Kevin.
“I am the head boy!”

Tuffers was sniffling.
“I’m not on the list.
This party is rubbish
And Santa is pissed!”

“There, there!” Soothed Santa,
As he looked round the halls.
“What was it you wanted?”
Tuffers cried “balls!”

Nel glared with the warmth
Of a predatory hunter.
“I’ll have those, thanks.
One for me, one for Gunther.”

One by one all the cricketers
Clamoured for gifts.
And then all the counties
Began to show rifts.

Whose presents were better?
Whose bats were more flash?
Who had shinier willow
Than Mark Ramprakash.

The Middlesex players
All huddled together
They jumped on poor Sussex
To give them a leather.

Kent turned on Essex
And Hants, in a hurry.
Whilst everyone banded
Together ‘gainst Surrey.

Before too long had passed
An almighty fight
Had broken out in the pub
And raged on through the night.

The fists they were flailing
The punches rained down.
Santa Gatting could only
Look on with a frown.

Time for a swift exit,
He thought with a sigh
As he watched Michael Vaughan
Get a bail in the eye.

He turned to retreat
Whilst the building caught fire.
Tripping over the still form
Of poor Matthew Prior.

But as he ran out
To catch up with his sleigh
He could see it was not
Where he’d parked it that day!

In its place was a note
Weighted down with a stone.
Santa Gatting clutched
At his head with a moan.

“Dear Santa,
I’ve stolen your getaway car.
Rudolph told me that you're
Just too heavy by far.

Do not fear, I’ll return it
Just as soon as I’m ready.
But for now, here’s my pedallo.
Lots of love, little Freddie.” xxx

Times; they are a' changing

So, it would be safe to say that the pre-season team re-jigging has well and truly begun! We have already:

Released Usman Afzaal

Presumably lost Andre Nel

Gained Kevin Pietersen permanently

Gained Zander de Bruyn

Gained Tom Maynard

Gained Yasir Arafat

Signed up Rory Burns, Zafar Ansari, Tom Lancefield and Tom Jewell from the lower ranks.

Actually, if you have all of the team (or at least most of it) firing at once you are in danger of having a cohesive little unit for what seems like the first time in an age. You have a wealth of youngsters who the skipper knows very well, you have older heads like de Bruyn (who I shall hitherto refer to as Zander because I’m struggling with typing his surname in repeatedly) and Ramps (when/if fit) and the occasional appearance of Pietersen. From a Surrey point of view it’s a real shame to lose Tremlett to England although understandable - and well deserved – but I do think that the signing of Arafat has been a canny one, especially as he will be available all season. Of course, most of the Rampants were very pleased by the fact Yasir’s rather easy on the eye as well, but that of course didn’t come into my line of thinking at all.

I’m guessing Liz is shaking her head at me now. Hehehehehe...

Tom Maynard’s an interesting acquisition. He had a lot to prove and left his beloved Glamorgan in unfortunate circumstances, but he certainly has the ability to be a very destructive batsman and I could see him making a mark in the one day games in particular. The young Surrey lads are all potential stars waiting in the wings to make an impression, much as Jason Roy has already done.

The loss of Andre Nel is a difficult one to quantify. Perhaps he hasn’t done as much with the ball on those flat, beautiful Oval wickets as you would hope, yet there’s just something about Andre that made him a box office draw. That wonderful stand with Dernbach last year will stick in my memory for many years to come. As for Afzaal, I wish him well at Derbyshire. I’ll miss him running over to Ramps every time he took a wicket with an improbably slow ball, and hearing how Mr R kept running out the way!

We have new sponsors. Brit Insurance have gone after a solid amount of years supporting the team, which means unfortunately my Surrey drinking mug is out of date! Does this mean I have to buy a new one or do I just pretend that nothing’s changed, as the ignorant so-and-sos at work won’t know any different (except perhaps Ian, who strikes me as the sort of person who would know that kind of thing)? Kia is now the official sponsor at the Oval. I keep wanting to say ‘IKEA’ but that of course is another kettle of flat pack self-assembly furniture...

And last but certainly not least, Bill Gordon is no longer head groundsman, although he is still there in an assistant/advisory capacity. If the new fella that’s come in has understudied Bill he will no doubt be very successful (and I want to point out again that I was not the Rampant who made reference to Scott Patterson being extremely ‘fit’). I mean, honestly! Also, a big thanks to whomever it was who agreed that we could have Deirdre’s ashes scattered at the Oval. I’m sure the idea would have tickled her, and it will give every future trip to Kennington a certain poignancy.

Whilst players come and players go, Dominic Cork continues to wobble and weave his magic on the ice every Sunday night (although for how long remains to be seen). I don’t think he’s going to win Dancing on Ice. I’m not even sure he’s going to be there next week, but fair play to him for having a go at what is an extremely tough sport.

You should’ve done Strictly, Corky!

All shook up

 
Well, it’s hats off to Surrey for a hard-fought and well deserved victory at Chesterfield.

When I say well deserved, I’m not belittling the effort of the Derbyshire team. Tenaciously clinging on to the bitter end, I have to say they gave me a real fright as the overs ticked away! Yesterday I mentioned the fact that Surrey were soldiering on despite missing various limbs and essential body parts, which sort of puts their win over Derbyshire in an even better light. What we saw from the team today was, er, ‘balls!’

Even when the chips were down they fought on...even when Andre Nel was bowling on one leg he kept running in with typical Günter determination. Or rather, hopping in. There’s an old rhyme about a lady who fought alongside her Scottish compatriots against the ‘auld enemy’, and when her legs were cut off in battle, “fought upon her stumps”. It’s kind of the image I get of Surrey over the last day!

Again, I didn’t hear most of the day’s play. Work is playing havoc with my ability to tune into the four day game. I settled for sneaking little looks at the BBC score card. It didn’t look promising at 12.30. Or 13.30 either for that matter. And even although it was a tad healthier at 15.10 as I was preparing to leave for the day, four wickets didn’t seem to be enough. You see, Surrey has a nasty habit of getting opposing batsmen into nick if they’ve been out of sorts. It’s the same with teams as well, and you could just see Derbyshire making club history by chasing down their highest ever total. It’s the kind of thing that just happens to Surrey.

But then, by the time I got home some 25 mins later, a total of 7 wickets had gone! Suddenly it seemed as if all results were possible. I have to admit that even I couldn’t see where the game was heading at that point. With Andre Nel doing his best impression of a human pogo stick, and Tim Linley off the field of play due to his considerable resemblance to Mr Bump (only not quite so blue), the physiotherapists definitely earned their fees today! I’m also informed that Spriegel’s eyes may have been left watering a tad due to fielding a ball with his lower torso, shall we say?

Nor was it just Surrey who ended with walking wounded. Derbyshire’s Lungley managed to get struck by a ball from his own team mate and had to leave the field of play. Whether it made any psychological difference as well as the blow to the arm he received effecting his grip, who can really say, but the interruption brought Groenewald to the crease whilst Lungley temporarily retired hurt. And then, when Groenewald departed for just 3, you couldn’t help but feel the game was in Surrey’s grasp once again.

It was left to the towering Tremlett to deliver the ball that sent Lungley’s stump somersaulting through the air for 21. So agonisingly close for Derbyshire, and yet so very far! ‘Stumps’ were actually very appropriate, as I think that was just about all that was left of my fingernails! I’m beginning to think Surrey should be sponsored by Bisodol rather than Brit Insurance, considering the peptic ulcer that has probably formed over the last 4 years.

This win for a team comprised entirely of men held together by a combination of willpower and blutack will come as such a relief and delight for not just the players and staff but the supporters as well. There have been many struggles to get to this point, and some ugly cricket mixed in with some really decent play as well, but because there had only been the one win up to this point the good stuff tends to get swept under the carpet. There have been times in previous games where Surrey have had the upper hand and indeed played the better cricket, so it’s not as if they are as bad as the papers sometimes like to make out. Certainly, the tables don’t lie at the end of the day but at least they are off the bottom now, and who can say that they might not win a few more now they have that hunger to do well? If the T20 has done one good thing, its show the squad that they have the ability to potentially beat anyone. Well, anyone except Sussex, but then most teams are struggling against them at the moment.

In the midst of this jubilation, however, we should add a note of caution. Surrey are taking on Somerset at the Oval tomorrow. With Dernbach, Linley, Brown, Jordan, Wilson, Nel and possibly Batty looking more shook up than an Elvis impersonator, just who the heck is going to be fit to play?

Is it too late to send for Kenny Kennington?

What's in a name...part five

Oh dear. Andre Nel has been told to pull his socks up by the high heid yins in the Surrey ranks and will miss a further two games, along with an obligatory token financial deduction. It’s a tricky one, this, as Surrey have to be seen to be doing something about discouraging misconduct amongst the players (especially seeing Nel has already been in hot water this season), yet his absence may actually end up hurting the team. It’s a no-win situation. I suppose this was done to fend off any more serious action from the ECB, but even so it leaves a rather bitter taste in the mouth. Punishing someone when they have arguably played their best game for the team leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable. Just as well it’s not me making the decisions! I’d be a right push-over!

If it’s any consolation to Andre, and I’m sure it’s not, we still love him. Heck, he could pull the arms and legs off old ladies or steal crisps from primary school kids and we’d still love him. That’s why it hurts to have to find a rather unfortunate anagram for him (she said, running for cover)!

Talking of which, here is the next batch of victims!

DANIEL HOUSEGO: One Loud Geisha
CHRIS RUSSELL: Shrill Curses
ASHLEY GILES: Shy Gal Elsie
CHRIS GAYLE: Grisly Ache
DEREK PRINGLE: Pink Ledger
ANDRE NEL: Lean Nerd
GARETH REES: Three Gears
IAIN SUTCLIFFE: Fun Facilities
JAMES ANDERSON: Jean’s Mad Snore
LAURIE EVANS: Leaves A Ruin
MARCUS TRESCOTHICK: Sours Cricket Match
NEIL CARTER: Errant Lice
PAUL DIXEY: A Pixy Duel
RUBEL HOSSAIN: Abolishes Run
SEAN ERVINE: Inane Verse
STUART MEAKER: Astute Remark

Still celebrating!

Okay...I’ve calmed down now.

But yippee! A win in the CC! Something that hasn’t happened to Surrey since, well, last year against the very same team! Cue little dancing Ewoks playing celebratory jungle drums! Does this mean we can only win against Northants? Or, as we are all hoping and praying, will it lead to a renewed energy and confidence to take into the Glamorgan game? It will be a tough act considering that Glamorgan are at the top of Division 2, but the fact that Surrey are only a few points behind Leicestershire now, although still at the bottom, suggests that any team on a good day is capable of beating any of the others.

It really is going to come down to those little ‘moments’. The catches taken and those dropped. The boundaries successfully cut off, and decisions going your way. Surrey’s fielding, so often castigated in the past, has improved so much since the beginning of the season. It’s going to have to be tip-top at Cardiff on Saturday.

Other than the win though, which was the major achievement of the Northants game, there were some good individual performances. Nel and Dernbach’s batting extravaganza was mentioned yesterday, but this morning they both managed to inflict a lot of damage with the ball as well. Linley claimed the early scalp of Boje, and Sales (who had sadly been off the field of play with a rather nasty sounding migraine for much of the game) was run out shortly after for a duck. Hall managed 32 before Nel removed him, and he also got rid of Middlebrook for 5. Vaas hung around for a little while, putting on 17 before falling to Dernbach, and yesterday’s hero also accounted for Dagget, who made 2 runs. It left Willey not out on 18 and Northants with a total of 241 for Surrey to chase in two sessions.

The target looked fairly doable, and so it proved. Davies opened with Harinath and hit a quickfire 25 until caught by Willey. Ramps steadied the Surrey ship in his own inimitable style, quietly accumulating runs whilst Harinath made a solid 48 before being dismissed. RHB, playing in his usual positive and aggressive fashion, lived dangerously at various stages in the innings, finally removed for 45 coming down the track to smash the ball and then being stumped by O’Brien. Afzaal however played a much more studious and sedate innings and contrived with Mark Ramprakash to see the game to its conclusion – and a Surrey victory.

The South London team finally claimed a well deserved 7 wicket win over Northants, with Afzaal 33 not out and Ramps 79 not out. It’s a rich seam of form that Mr R has hit in the last few games. A double ton and a single hundred in the Middlesex game, plus a 70 and 79 not out in the Northants game. He currently sits third in the combined division batting figures with a very healthy average into the 70s, better than both the batsman ahead of him in terms of runs. I imagine the briefing of Saturday’s Glamorgan team will have ‘get Ramps early’ at the top of their agenda, followed by ‘don’t drop him, for god’s sake’ as bullet point number two. Of course, this brings my old favourite Mr Cosgrove back into the frame come Saturday. It’s the battle of the two Marks: and both are right bang in form. Who is going to come out on top?

I’m guessing the Surrey song was echoing throughout the dressing room at Wantage Road this evening. I hope they kept the lyrics clean, or poor Younis Khan, newly arrived from Pakistan, will be wondering exactly what he’s landed himself in! Yes, that’s right: the invisible batsman is no longer invisible.

Hopefully he’ll be given the chance to sing along with the team on many occasions to come!

Andre Nel is...Batman!

I always enjoy it when the last wicket partnership put on a stand worth of General Custer himself (she said, whilst remembering that Custer didn’t exactly come out of that particular battle in good shape. Or at all, for that matter). Today the Surrey tail did not merely wag prodigiously, but the puppy refused to roll over! And now, as a result of heroics from Andre Nel and Jade Dernbach, Surrey have managed to get themselves into a very nice position heading into day four!

It was unfortunate that bad light curtailed what was very much Surrey’s session. Northants find themselves four down with really only Boje standing in the way of what could be the biggest turn around in recent years for Surrey. Peters was back in the hutch for 9, bowled by an on-fire Nel, whilst first innings hero Loye was unable to match his previous effort and went for 20, lbw to Schofield. O’Brien looked reasonably secure on 44 until dismissed by Dernbach and then man of the day Nel steamed in once again to get rid of White for 29. All in all, the collective Surrey effort with the ball was phenomenal, subjecting the Northants batsmen to an intense barrage of deliveries that Barnes Wallace himself would have been proud of!

But it was Andre Nel that took the plaudits with sidekick Jade Dernbach: the most unlikely duo to take on all comers since Batman and Robin displayed a mutual fetish for skin-tight lycra and silly masks. I checked the score at work during various stages in the day, and my reaction (pretty much the same as most, I’d have thought) went rather like this:

“Oh, they’ve avoided the follow-on. That was unexpected!”

“Spriegel’s out. That’ll be that, then.”

“Linley didn’t stay around long, poor fella.”

“What is going on here? Is that Nel and Dernbach scoring these runs?”

“Are they still in???”

“No, seriously. Are they really still in???”

“Has the scorecard gone completely berserk?”

“Andre Nel is 85 not out at lunch!!! And Surrey has a 4th batting point!”

It was indeed a “Holy suffering Tiflex, batman” moment, complete with punch of gloved hands from Dernbach, er...Robin.

In fact, even knowing that Nel can play attacking shots and that Dernbach was a much improved batsman who could swing the willow with the best when required, the idea that the last wicket partnership was in serious danger of drawing level with the Northants first innings total was almost unbelievable. What a titanic effort! Unfortunately, it did prove too good to be true as Andre Nel managed to get out just 4 runs short of what would have been a richly deserved first century for Surrey. But what an amazing display, especially given that his recent outburst against Peters and O’Brien landed him with a further 3 points on his record. Perhaps it just whetted his appetite all the more!

As for Dernbach, he managed his first ever 50 for Surrey in the championship, and if Surrey do manage to win from here an awful lot of it will be down to him for sticking with Nel. Get that fellow Jade up the order – he’s wasted coming in last!

In the end Surrey fell just 11 short of the Northants target and given what an unlikely position that was going into the morning session; I hope the boys are feeling extremely happy with themselves tonight. Quick wickets are going to have to fall tomorrow if Surrey have any chance to claim their first championship victory, or else Northants will just probably be content to put the match beyond Surrey’s reach. Given today’s heroics, that would almost be cruel. Yet again Boje is the key, you feel. If Surrey can nip him out early tomorrow a reasonable run chase may yet be on the cards.

Perhaps Schoey can prove to be the ‘Joker’ in the pack...

Looking down the barrel

I think Chris Adams must be a little fed up trying to give his honest opinion as to what’s gone wrong in the latest Surrey match. At the end of the day’s play Surrey close on 210-7, and it’s a bit difficult to pinpoint what the malady is with the team. Okay, now some wag is sure to say something about not scoring enough runs or taking enough wickets! The skills are all there, but it’s a very young team (only Nel, Ramps and Afzaal are especially experienced). Whether that is a contributing factor or not for the continuing woes in the championship games, who can say? It’s certainly not a lack of effort. I know the fans feel the lack of wins keenly, but I bet they don’t feel it half as badly as the team.

As so often happens, if you took Mr Ramprakash’s first innings total away from an otherwise poor score, Surrey would be in all heaps of trouble. As it is they are already staring down the barrel. None of the other batsmen were able to get any significant partnerships going, which rather puts that sizeable effort from Boje and Loye into context yesterday. Davies and Harinath opened, with the latter going for a duck, poor fellow, whilst Davies made 33 (which for him was an unusually small total). Only Davies will know if he minds opening in the championship as he does in the shorter game, where he is so effective – Jon Batty seemed to love opening - but it does on paper make sense until Brown is back from his injury problem.

RHB made 30; Afzaal sadly reverted back to his previous bad run of form and made only 12, although there was still a glimmer of hope whilst Ramps and Spriegel were together at the crease. Unfortunately Mr R went whilst looking set on 70, and Chris Schofield took his place at the crease but was sadly unable to replicate his heroics of the previous week, going for 29. Tom Jewell made his championship debut with the bat, but it turned out to be a baptism of fire as he scored 1 run before being given lbw. Andre Nel found himself coming to the crease in the last over of the day, and remains not out on 0 with Spriegel not out on 25.

You have to feel a bit sorry for Jewell, coming in when he did and then getting out with a few balls left. If he’d managed to survive he might well have dug in tomorrow, as he and Spriegel know each other very well and could possibly have made a good partnership. As it is the follow on looms large, and Surrey will be hoping to at least salvage their pride, even if a draw is almost as bad as a loss these days.

One nice, noteworthy occurrence was the first 5fer of Tim Linley’s first class career. Well played, the Viscount! At least something went Surrey’s way!

A note on the injury front: Mr Tremlett apparently has a slight shoulder niggle and is not surprisingly being looked after. I guess there’s no point in potentially making the problem any worse. Still no definite word on when Khan is coming to Surrey either: I’m beginning to wonder if the club is hexed. First we had the invisible bowler and now we have the invisible batsman! He’s not exactly a like for like replacement for Chawla but he could be a pretty decent signing for Surrey – if he ever gets here! I think we’ve been told somewhere in the next week, so fingers crossed.

This blog’s got a bit serious in the last few weeks with all the match reporting, and whilst I can do serious, years of taking the mickey out of myself to counteract sundry personal defects such as galloping agoraphobia tend to make me view most things with a comedic eye. I couldn’t help but wonder if the players actually like ice baths, or are they a necessary evil? Do they dread them the same way as the bleep tests? What would happen if ice baths were in fact installed as punishment chambers, where batsmen are sent if they don’t score runs?

To this end, looking at the amount of runs scored to number of innings, only Ramprakash, Davies and Harinath would really be able to avoid spending any significant time in there. The others would range from being very cold to having their assets well and truly frozen!

Leg Off Before Wicket...

Northamptonshire v Surrey, day one, Wantage Road

Today was mostly about three things. Firstly, the considerable heat. Secondly, a tale of great batting from two determined Northants players. And thirdly, today was the day when Andre Nel turned into Angry Nel. In fact, make that extremely Angry Nel.

Like any ultra competitive sportsman, when things go wrong sometimes a gasket blows. I don’t see a problem with venting feelings: it’s the inner fire that stokes the boiler, after all. Sometimes however that fire gets out of control, as it did momentarily for Nel who apparently got worked up when Davies didn’t take a catch behind the stumps, before getting into the face of Northants O’Brien. No doubt Nel will have apologised but fingers crossed he hasn’t done anything bad enough to merit another slap on the wrists from the umpires. Surrey have enough problems with injured bowlers and invisible bowlers without adding a banned bowler to the casualty list.

Overall you would have to say that, after a topsy turvy day where fortune swung like a pendulum first one way then another, Northants end the day in a superior position, largely thanks to a stand between Boje and Loye, along with an extremely useful 61 from Peters. Loye in particular played well, especially as he never really looked comfortable at the crease until towards the end of the day. Yet for all that he remains handily placed to take the game away from Surrey tomorrow, on 121 not out. If that’s being out of touch, I think many would settle for it!

A total of five wickets have fallen, with Surrey winning the toss and opting to field first. Linley took two wickets, with Dernbach and Jewell one apiece (the latter taking his first championship wicket for Surrey). Nel took his considerable ire out on Sales, whose stumps were sent flying for a duck. But there were no more wickets after the tea break, and Northants clawed their way back to a fantastic position which they will look to use as a platform tomorrow to get a large score.

I’m not sure whether Tremlett is being rested, having his work load managed or if he has broken down, to use racing terminology (which usually means one stage from the glue factory). Batty seems to have injured his leg rather than it being simply a case of cramp, and Michael Brown is still two more weeks away from finding out if, as may be the case for the poor man, he is yet another two more weeks away from a return. Still no further news on Jordan. Any more injuries and we are getting into the realms of Monty Python’s legendary Batsman of The Kalahari sketch. You know the one. With C.U. Pratt being ‘Killed Outright’ and M.J.K Pratt being given out ‘Stump Through Head’ for nought...

Actually, better not give Andre Nel any ideas about dismissing the opposition 'leg off before wicket!'

With tomorrow looking like being another scorcher weather-wise, hopefully tempers will not sizzle too much in a game that Surrey desperately needs to win. Kick-starting one’s season when fast approaching June is a little like trying to catch up with a Mark Webber driven F1 car whilst wearing a roller skate on one foot and a 6 inch stiletto on the other...

I love it when a plan comes together...

Not that there’s much resemblance between the skipper and the A-Team’s Hannibal Smith, but I bet he was thinking much the same thing as Surrey walked off the field of play at the end of the CB40 game against Lancashire. Whilst Surrey have not been doing terribly well in the championship - a current tally of zero wins so far this season, a whole zero more than last season - their form in the CB40 games has been rather splendid! If Friday’s contest showed Surrey could dig themselves out of any fix (like BA Baracus creating an armoured tank from a garage full of paint pots and a few sheets of corrugated iron), today’s display was as silky smooth as one of Dirk Benedict’s shirts.

There the A-Team similarities end, unless Gary Wilson needs his cheese burger doped before they get him onto a plane...

Yesterday I complained that Surrey had a tendency to collapse when Ramps got out, but the problem didn’t arise at all today as the main man was rested (or according to Bumble because he had a slight groin strain). On paper – and with Jimmy Anderson back to bolster an already fine Lancashire side – you’d have thought Surrey would have had their work cut out. Even as an annoying optimist I found myself settling down to listen to what I anticipated would be an enormous drubbing.

I do love being wrong sometimes!

But for a large partnership in the middle of the Lancashire innings care of Sutton and Chilton, Surrey’s opponents never really got going, and this wasn’t so much the batsmen playing badly but the Surrey bowlers repeatedly hitting their mark again and again. Each one of them had a fantastic game but by and large I would just give the nod to Dernbach as pick of the bunch. If he can keep this consistency up in the championship games he is going to be a real handful. In total he claimed three wickets, as did Andre Nel, with two for Tremlett as well. Lancashire were all bowled out for 165, a total that was never going to be enough barring a huge collapse.

Mind you, Surrey has been prone to the odd collapse. Fortunately there was none of that today, as the opening partnership of RHB and Steven Davies came in, kept their heads down and then slowly upped the tempo, with Davies in particular sounding very relaxed and majestic with the bat. It’s not often that Surrey and their fans can sit back and tick the overs away, safe in the knowledge that it was almost impossible to lose the game. It was all finished by the time 23.5 overs had been reached: little short of an absolute massacre! RHB had made 65, and Davies was 85 not out at the close, with Evans out for a rather uncomfortable 3 runs. Afzaal was also not out on 7 at the end of the game.

So, today’s spectacularly uncomplicated, almost clinical victory keeps Surrey second at the top of the table one point behind Somerset. The Unicorns appear to have beaten Sussex as well, which is useful from a Surrey point of view. However, just when you would expect to be able to take all that momentum and energy into the next CB40 game, a quick look at the schedule tells you that Surrey don’t have another game in the competition until July! Is it wrong to scratch my head in bewilderment at this point?

What the schedule does reveal is:

Surrey have a lot of travelling to do.

Surrey have a lot of championship games to play.

Surrey are going to be absolutely knackered by the time they next play a CB40 game, as they have to play for 18 out of the next 22 days!

Hopefully at least the two wins in the CB40 will at least inspire Surrey in terms of confidence. Schoey can do a job with bat and ball, Davies is in tip-top form with the bat as well as tidy behind the stumps, RHB can score quickly, and Ramps and Afzaal have both regained their form in the last few games. With the bowlers beginning to fire, it will surely all come together for Surrey.

Will tomorrow be the day?

Schofield: A man for all seasons

I have a guilty secret. My teddy bear is called ‘Cosgrove’.

The last time I had the pleasure of being at the Oval was at the back end of last year, to watch a Ramps-less Surrey take on Glamorgan. The obligatory foray into the Oval shop ensued with the result that Annabel and I purchased a Surrey teddy each. Being a fan of the newly retired club skipper, Annabel called hers ‘Butch’. I on the other hand decided to find a name that seemed a little more appropriate and found inspiration on the field of play in the formidable shape of Glamorgan’s Mark Cosgrove.

Well, there is a definite resemblance in terms of physique, you have to admit!

But there remains the inescapable truth that, for all his lack of sveltness, Cosgrove is one heck of a player on his day. And sure enough the CB40 match between Glamorgan and Surrey turned into a humdinger of a game! With Surrey having lost the toss Glamorgan opted to bat first which meant that the Lions reply would be mostly under the lights. Cosgrove scored a robust 61 before Gareth Batty bowled him, and received some strong support from the mighty T Maynard along the way. Little scores from the rest of the dragons’ team contributed to a total of 223 which, it must be said, looked a bit light and Surrey must really have fancied their chances at chasing it down.

Now, I’m not one for picking performances apart as that is a job for the analysts, who know a bit more about it than I do. Additionally, if someone such as me can spot a flaw in an individual’s innings then the chances are that person has already noticed it themselves. Suffice it to say therefore that Surrey has a bit of a problem when Ramps is out of the equation. That’s not idle hero-worship either. The captain kicked things off nicely at the top of the order before dismissed by Waters for 21. With Steven Davies still absent, his place was given to Stewart Walters who has an amazing amount of skill but somehow it just hasn’t seemed to come good for him overall. Walters was eventually given out LBW for 18.

Ramps and Afzaal, batting together as so often happens put on a nice little partnership. It’s a sort of Thaw and Waterman ‘good cop/bad cop’ double act at the crease. Afzaal unfortunately bailed out on 23 and left Ramps to keep ticking along with Spriegel for company. Mr R made a solid 40 before Owen removed him. At this point I’m pretty sure the boys back on the Surrey balcony must have been holding their heads in their hands a touch, for what had seemed like a simple run chase was beginning to resemble a slow motion wrestling match in pink custard...

But cometh the hour, cometh the man. King for a day and Rampant favourite Chris Schofield, who took to the field following what must have been one of the most embarrassing moments of Gary Wilson’s fledgling career when he ran himself out for a fourth ball duck (and with the TV cameras capturing the moment in its humiliating gruesomeness) proceeded to bed in with first Spriegel, and then Gareth Batty. The latter played a brave Butcheresque innings on one leg, having suffered from what appeared to be a particularly unpleasant bout of cramp, with Stewart Walters acting as runner. I have to admit I had my fingers crossed at this point as I think I remember Butch being ‘run-out’ when Walters was acting as runner for him on one occasion.

Hats off to Batty though, as he managed 22 before he was caught, and with he and Schofield getting their heads down it gave Surrey the advantage once again. Tremlett came in for a small but steady 6 run cameo, and with Andre Nel, playing with a finger that had been dislocated only the day before, they nudged their noses in front on the line, winning by two wickets.

There was no doubt that Schoey’s 64 not out would win him man of the match. Quite possibly it was his best innings for Surrey. Special commendation also for Batty in that heroic stand, for Nel in helping to see them over the line, and a mention for Ramps for the 40 runs he contributed when he must have been fairly exhausted following his titanic 300 plus effort in the Middlesex game. I hadn’t expected to see him play in the Glamorgan match. These county cricketers are tough lads!

Surrey currently fill second place in their group table and have won every game played so far. Things are fortunately going much better for them in the shorter format of the game than in the championship. There have been one or two well known, dare I say respected, people who have had a go at Surrey’s lack of togetherness as a unit, and that they are filled with ‘individuals’, big egos and non-team players. I can’t comment on this, as I am not part of the dressing room (I imagine letting Rampants into the dressing room would be considered unwise anyway), but then again neither are these gentlemen either. I would however like to make one tiny point in Surrey’s defence.

Look at the four players I commended in winning the game for Surrey, and tell me if being an ‘individual’ is such a bad thing!

Why the Rampants like Andre Nel

How Surrey have never been deducted points for fielding an extra player when Andre Nel takes to the pitch I will never know. When Surrey employed the South African pace man, it was a bit like ‘buy one, get one free’, because not only did they sign a very fine bowler but they got his alter ego as well. Günter, the crazy, oxygen-starved wild hermit from the heights of, umm, Vauxhall is pretty much a player in his own right. But if you thought the bowling banshee could be frightening as he hurtled towards the unsuspecting batsman at the crease, that’s nothing compared to his second alter ego. Who do I refer to?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...


Emu!


If you wondered what had happened to the most terrifying creature on the planet following Rod Hull’s sad demise, you can practically see him being channelled by Andre Nel as he runs in; arm aloft like a malevolent U-boat periscope, signalling a very messy and brutal encounter. The ‘vulture’ or indeed, the ‘emu’, is a sight that sends shivers down any opposing batsman’s spine.

And I think we all remember the mess Emu made of Michael Parkinson...