County cricket: a game for the masses

Forget football. No, honestly: forget it! I know it’s difficult at the moment with the world cup going on (and on, and on, and on...) but let’s look at this from a slightly different perspective.

With county cricket, you can go to a match with your mates and not worry about getting jostled or squashed, largely because you have the pick of almost any seat in the ground. You can flop down on a chair...maybe even read a book or a newspaper if you so wish. It’s a reasonable bet that the vast majority of people who are crossword experts or grand Sudoku champions at ‘so fiendish it hurts’ level probably attend the odd county game or two, their skills well honed by days of chewing the ends of biros during drinks breaks.

If you have fine weather you can work on your tan. On a good day you can see numerous semi naked people of the male variety exposing all the unattractive wobbly bits common decency would usually demand they keep under wraps. And it is invariably those who probably have the least reason to display their magnificent frontage that always feel the need to do it. Indeed, cricket is the only sport that seems to welcome naturists!

Should the prospect of stripping to the waist on a cold May morning not appeal, there remains the possibility of getting some extra shut-eye. It’s the most brilliant sport for those who actually have no wish to watch the game, but just want to get out from under their other half’s feet for a day. Of course, if you are combining the self-tanning and the snoozing you have to be a little bit careful. This is especially the case if you are considered large of frame and have a tendency to go lobster pink. Unless you want children going up to you asking for Mr Blobby’s autograph.

You can turn up to the game at any point and, with a quick glance at the scoreboard (provided it’s not having an electronic conniption fit); appraise yourself of the state of play without feeling you’ve actually missed a thing! Try doing that when Chelsea are playing Man United!

The frequently ambling, lazy pace of a four day game means that you can bring a picnic with you (if you can stomach seeing all those hairy, semi-naked, pink lardy blokes). For the nature lover, at the Oval you have the added possibility of being mugged by flocks of hungry pigeons, whilst Bill Gordon’s cat stalks the boundary ropes with its mouth open, waiting for one of them to get careless. Certainly it looks as if it’s seen a few pigeon dinners over the years...

And when you are done sleeping, tanning and reading you have the chance to actually watch some cricket as well! If people take a dive in cricket it’s usually to try and catch the ball. Something that the poor England goal keeper might want to take note of...

But the best thing about county cricket?

There’s no bleedin’ vuvuzelas!