Strictly: Week Eight and Results Show 20/11/11

Ever get the feeling that sometimes you can have more style than substance?

I quite enjoyed the atmosphere of Strictly’s foray into Wembley, but not one of the dances actually made me go ‘wow!’ When you go for glitter and thrills on a large scale there’s always the danger that it may feel overstretched. I think the problem on Saturday was that hardly any of the dances felt suitable to the large arena the celebs and dancers were presented with.

Take Harry’s Salsa, for example. Nice lifts, I have to admit it. Not that I am a fan of lifts in the salsa, because it makes it feel like a glorified show dance. Personally, I thought the routine had hardly any salsa in it at all, but when you are hamstringed by using a music track that is as Latin American as a croissant, you’re on a sticky wicket from the start. Despite the fact that I didn’t really enjoy it that much I could see why Aliona went for those wonderful lifts: when you have an arena to play to you have to catch the audience’s attention. Salsa’s a party dance, but it’s usually also pretty contained and not really suited to the bigger stage. I can’t really criticise her decisions. I thought that what Harry did dance he did very well indeed, albeit it possibly without the required amount of snake-hipped fluidity need for the Salsa.

Robbie, I felt, was one of the poorer dancers on the night even although the energy he always puts into his dances is amazing. He opened the show; he played to the crowd and received a standing ovation into the bargain. Just a pity he didn’t actually dance that well. Like Harry, Robbie’s Salsa suffered from the same problems. Not enough Salsa content. Unlike Harry his lifts didn’t go quite as well, and the leapfrog move over Ola looked more than a bit dodgy. When Ola decides to wheel out her tried and tested weapon – the cat suit – you know it’s time to worry. A tactical plea for votes? The cynic in me did wonder!

Anita always looks like she’s enjoying herself and I think that is the secret to her success: she will most likely sweep up the casual voters with her sense of fun and bubbly performances, who may well be prepared to overlook her lack of technical prowess or her posture issues. Her samba was almost a direct representation of her faults and her assets, in that it exposed all the weaknesses that she possesses in a way that some of the other dances did not, but also highlighted her sheer joie de vivre. In a way I think the smaller studio would have suited this dance better, as the samba needs to travel around the floor to look at its best, and you’re always going to be swallowed up in a cavernous arena like Wembley. I can only imagine Anita has another week or two at best in terms of remaining on the show, so it was at least great to see her still enjoying every moment of the experience, even if ‘Come On Eileen’ ranks as one of the most head-scratching choices for a Samba in the show’s 9 series history...

Alex, ironically, seemed to thrive in the arena. The Tango always seems quite dramatic and contained, and so they stuck to a smaller area without looking like a couple of goldfish in a bowl. Certainly it worked for them, and as a result she and James picked up their first 9s of the series for what was a dramatic and passionate dance. At times I wish Alex had expressed this a little more in her face, but the footwork was good, her acting was subtly haughty, and they well deserved to be in that joint top position on the board. I bet they never thought for a moment that they would ever achieve that when they started this series!

Chelsee managed to strut her stuff and shake her necessary bits in her samba without ever looking lost and overwhelmed by the vast space around her. It wasn’t her best dance by any means but she managed to look confident, and the solo spot at the start showed she could work the audience on her own, which is no easy feat. I’m not sure how much self-belief Chelsee actually has but she usually manages to turn it on for show night, which is a huge asset. If you can survive a space like Wembley and the many more thousands watching you perform live, the intimacy of the BBC studios should be a doddle.

Jason’s Jive felt slightly overwhelmed, like Harry’s Salsa and Anita’s Samba. Everyone was bigging up the dance before hand on ITT, saying it would rival Jill’s iconic Jive (the music for which was pinched and used for Harry’s Salsa – a most unsuitable track if you’ll permit me to say), and that it would surely pick up 10s. The anticipation for the performance was immense.

And who’s to say it wouldn’t have got 10s? Once again Kristina showed why she’s an exceptional choreographer when given a partner she doesn’t have to disguise by highlighting herself to cover celeb shortcomings. All was going quite smoothly until the last third of the dance, where Jason ended up on the wrong foot and basically hopped up and down on one leg like a man with a mousetrap stuck to his big toe until he caught Kristina up again! Unintentionally hilarious: I laughed like a drain whilst feeling a tad sorry for Jason’s obvious disappointment at stuffing up an otherwise good performance. But, that’s live TV for you – you can never tell what’s going to go wrong.

I can’t say I enjoyed Holly’s dance. I’m not sure why: for me the choreography seemed overcomplicated and finicky. At times Holly struggled to keep up with Artem in their Quick Step. Possibly it was a little too swift! Slightly ragged and scrappy, Holly looked as if she was struggling pretty much throughout. It’s such a shame, really, as Holly does have the ability to do well but she is so inconsistent that you never quite know what you are going to get with her.

Then of course, there’s Russell. His ambition was to get to Wembley: and he managed his dream! Fired out of a canon at the start of the routine, jiving to ‘Reach For The Stars’ when finally finding his feet again...could you think of a better way for Russell to bow out of the show?

Unfortunately for Russell that’s exactly what he did, but he didn’t look too sad about it, and in fact appeared to accept that it was his time to leave. Holly, in the bottom two with Russell, didn’t look very surprised to find herself where she did. She was in that dreaded danger zone on the board, and the predicted backlash to Anita being in that position the week before meant that many people must have picked up the phone to keep her in, this sealing Holly’s fate into the bargain. Maybe it will give her some determination to go out there and dance her socks off (and give her a well-meaning boot up the arse at the same time).

He’s been a good sport, has Russell, and as enthusiastic as anyone I’ve seen over the last 8 years or so. It was lovely to see such a fabulous partnership with Flavia. It’ll be strange not to see Russell there next week, looking all shiny and smiley, like the Mister Men’s Mr Happy in a giant, gold tuxedo. But in some ways Russell’s departure feels like a watershed. Now the contest hots up. The serious contenders are all there at the sharp end.

Who will go next week? Will the public continue to keep Anita in? Will Robbie have the fan base to see him safe? Will Alex find herself slipping into the danger area of the board? Or will it be a shock result?

With so many celebs at the same level, pretty much anything goes from this point on!

Strictly: Week Se-vennnn and results show 13/11/11

It’s always a bit of a relief when the field is culled significantly. It reduces the time I have to spend thinking of pertinent comments for each contestant. But then they do something cruel by making the poor sods do two dances (as if they weren’t knackered enough) and I have to start banging my head repeatedly against the desk to make the words come out...

The one aspect where I feel the BBC has made changes not necessarily for the best, other than turning the show into glitzy propsville, is that there are so few of the celebs performing the same dance each week. I miss the old days, where you either danced a certain Latin dance or a specific ballroom. It was only later on in the series when it became ‘anything goes’. As a result it is so much more difficult to compare one performance with another.

This time however we actually got a couple of memorable Argentine Tangos to contrast with each other, more’s the pity for Anita. That makes it sound as if Anita’s dance was dreadful and it quite clearly was the opposite. Her dance had drive, passion and theatricality without it being an OTT caricature but she didn’t have the sharpness of performance or the energy that Harry’s Argentine Tango did. Whilst the choreography of both routines was fabulously tailored towards the skills of both dancers the precision of Harry’s footwork was always going to carry the day.

Controversial note here. I actually agreed with Len. There was a tiny degree of fire missing from Harry’s dance. Nothing major, and in my opinion not worth the 8 that Len awarded him: it was a 9 from my point of view. But I understood where Mr Goodman was coming from. I always feel that whilst Harry is infinitely watchable he rarely seems to be able to inhabit a character or display the required amount of emotion. It’s the one thing that for me at the moment is stopping me picking up the phone to vote for him. If he could just take it up one notch...

Vernon Kay (Mr Tess Daly) tweeted shortly afterwards to say that Harry’s AT wasn’t remotely at the same level of Ramps and Karen’s dance back in 2006. I have to agree: Mark led that dance so well, and Harry didn’t quite do that to the same level. It does seem that all ATs are judged retrospectively against that iconic Strictly moment (and usually found lacking)!

The judges’ bickering is starting to get wearisome. I suppose some might think that in these X-Factor days a little controversy goes a long way, but I find it uncomfortable. If Craig disagrees with Len, or Bruno with Len, or if Alesha tells Len he’s jetlagged and grumpy like an overtired toddler without his favourite teddy bear, does it matter? They are all there to give their opinions. I rarely agree with Alesha and find her constant awarding of 10s like they are Scooby snacks utterly ridiculous, but she’s there on the panel to give her opinion. Likewise Craig. Why does Len have to take everything so personally? Being head judge doesn’t necessarily mean he has to be the only one who’s right. Nor does it give him the authority to be rude to Craig.

Please stop it Len. You’re hurting my ears this year. Can we have the nice, kind Mr Goodman back that we used to know and love rather than the Grinch?

He did however spot one thing that I have been wittering away about for weeks. Holly needs to stop looking at the floor when she dances. Given that due to Artem’s back injury she had to train and indeed partner Brendan on the live show she did extremely well with her rumba routine, and I suppose if there’s one dance that you could almost get away with looking coy and bashful then this is the one. Still, you can’t do an entire show looking half-apologetic. It was beautifully choreographed by Artem and goodness knows how frustrating it must have been to sit on the sidelines and watch someone else dance with his partner. Props also to Brendan for stepping in the way he did. There actually seemed to be more connection between Brendan and Holly in that one dance than there had been these last few weeks with Artem.

As for Holly, I guess switching from one man to another must be the dance equivalent of borrowing someone else’s bike and realising you have to adjust the saddle height, the brake tightness, the level of the handlebars...and yet it was one of her better dances. I’m almost beginning to feel sad that she and Brendan weren’t together from the start. If anyone could have stirred her from her laid-back Aussie lethargy then he was certainly the one to do it, as I’m sure Fiona Phillips and countless others can testify!

I personally thought the Jive was James and Alex’s best dance. Like many at first I thought ‘oh god, not dancing with dolls, please’ at the start but thankfully James Junior’s appearances were kept to a minimum. The actual jive was brilliantly good, very fast and without any flagging at all. Craig however seemed to think Alex’s technique was wrong, citing the lack of pointed toes in the kicks and flicks or non-bent ankles in the Lindy Hop sections, thinking it a wishy-washy compromise of middle ground for both. James clearly disagreed but bit his lip this week. Sensible boy. Wembley coming up, don’t you know? All the weak dancers bar one are gone and arguably next in line it’s Alex, Robbie and Anita, all at the same sort of level. Throwing a strop isn’t going to get you to the big W.

Mind you, I know flip-all about technique in dance. I know when something looks wrong or when it looks very right, but I might not be able to say exactly what it is sometimes. In matters like this one expects the judges to point you in the right direction. So, you have Craig saying one thing. Then on ITT you have professional dancer James saying Craig’s got it wrong. Then you have the so-called knowledgeable folks on Digital Spy (everyone’s an expert on there) agreeing with Craig. And then Karen Hardy telling you something else. Confused? I sure as heck am! Someone find out the correct technique for Jive and tell the judges, please! Personally, I go with Karen. I’d be surprised as an ex-world champion of Jive and a professional judge that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

I think however we can agree that Alex’s Jive was very entertaining in a bouncy cheerleader way! One question remains however. Who got custody of James Junior???

Audley. Oh dear. I think it became clear very quickly that this wasn’t his dance. In fact I can’t even remember what kind of dance it was supposed to be, which just about says it all! It was something of the Latin variety, although it was definitely less Veni Vidi Vici and more I came, I saw, I shuffled from side to side. Poor Audley: he looked like a big, floundering fish out of water. Albeit one with a giant smile on his face.

Robbie I am finding very odd to sum up. He danced an American Smooth which was quite clearly from a technical point of view by far and away his best dance. And yet I am struggling to see his personality. Conversely in dances where we see his personality, we rarely see his technique. I think we’ve seen one dance so far where he managed to get both right. You could argue that perhaps the ballroom, where he seems far more natural, calls for less personality but there still has to be something! As a result I’m becoming rather bored with him, which is a pity because after that wonderful movie themed dance he did near the start I had high hopes for him. I think he’s got a few weeks left maybe, but then he may be in trouble.

As for Jason, I think he may have more than a few weeks left in him barring shock results. I admire a man who decides that if he’s going to do something he may as well put everything into it and do a good job. I don’t even mind that he’s so serious: you can’t change your personality off the floor just for the sake of a dancing contest. But at least Jason manages (for the most part) to perform and pull something extra out the bag come the performance. It shows better in the Latin dances where he can let himself go and have a bit of fun. The Viennese Waltz was beautiful, and almost brilliant, but again I much prefer the dance to have a fluffier side to it than a serious one. This of course is personal preference and has no bearing on the wonderful dance that they did on the night. As Craig said, it could have been perfect. Could have been. But just not quite...

Jason is great to watch, if a little distracting facially at times. He may even win the title, who knows? But he’s got competition in Harry, and especially Chelsee. She had a wonderful on-screen chemistry with ‘Pash’, even although she does give the unfortunate impression she has the same IQ as a bottle of correction fluid. Probably all put on: it seems, to quote the Kaiser Chief’s ‘Cool to Know Nothing’.

Damn. That song’s going to be in my head all day now.

I confess that she’s rather grown on me, which is surprising because I had convinced myself at the start she was going to be the one most likely to make me want to throw something at the screen. There’s usually one that surprises me every year, and this time it’s Chelsee, so fair play to her. I’m not convinced she enjoyed training for the Foxtrot and I think if you find things difficult or awkward in training, no matter how hard you try to perform in the live show, it’s never going to be brilliant. I personally thought that whilst (barring the slidey bit at the end between Pasha’s legs that didn’t really scream Foxtrot at me) it was a lovely routine that she danced well enough, but somehow it didn’t seem to have her usual stylishness about it. Craig picked up on the hoppy, pogo-stick turn towards the end, which I think everyone spotted.

Oh, except Alesha who gave it a 10. *groans*

Now, bearing in mind I championed the judges rights to score and speak as they pleased, don’t think me a hypocrite if I beg someone to swap Alesha’s 10 paddle with a lolly pop? Or a table tennis bat???

Russell performed in his usual wonderful way, that is to say in the way that only Russell knows how to. It was possibly the most unusual American Smooth you are ever likely to see, danced with customary feeling to ‘I Am What I Am’. Len had the quote of the night, saying ‘I am what I am, you are what you are, and that (the dance) was what it was’, before likening him to a dancing ‘Ferrero Roche’ thanks in no small part to the bling, gold sequined jacket and trousers he changed into half way through!

I don’t really have anything to add, other than I’m beginning to feel that I’ve sort of seen it all now with Russell. Last week I was looking forward to discovering what new angle he and Flavia could bring to the dances, but now I’m kind of feeling that it’s going to be more of the same. I still want him to get to Wembley, though. If there’s ever a stage that was made for Russell Grant’s flamboyant personality then that is the one. Let him go out in a blaze of glory and cheering from the crowds. Or, if he manages to pull something different and entertaining out the bag, let him continue. His enthusiasm for the show certainly isn’t put on, but it’s getting to the stage in the show that occurs every year, where we find ourselves asking if the better dancers should be knocked out by someone who is clearly and infinitesimally weaker, but brings a lot of joy to their routines.

Not surprisingly it was Audley’s turn in the spotlight again. He must have seen it coming a mile off. Slightly surprising was that Anita found herself sharing that unwanted podium position. I say slightly, because Anita had managed to get her best scores for her AT, although I commented to a few friends before the results that she was in a very dodgy position on the board where everyone would assume she was safe and vote for other people. I suppose someone’s got to fill that spot though, and it could just as well have been Anita as anyone else.

As predicted however it was the gentlemanly Audley who was finally given the boot. Which is quite funny when you think of it: I’m sure if you’d told him that at some point in his career he’d be KO’d by Anita Dobson he’d have looked at you as if you were missing your community carer! Kudos to Audley, who was heard to say he’d have stepped aside if Anita had gone out so she could be reinstated. Winning always becomes Mr Harrison, but even when he loses he does it with magnanimous grace and a large smile. Despite his lack of dancing ability, I rather think Strictly will miss him.

Strictly: Week Six and results show 06/11/11

And so we’re half way, or very nearly so. Gosh, that went quickly didn’t it?

You can sense the remaining contenders jockeying for position as they face up to the possibility of a trip to Wembley in a few weeks time, should they stay in. It’s like a whole brigade of politicians dusting off their rosettes pre-election time, endeavouring to affix their best, most winning smiles to their faces. “Vote for me! I’m having the time of my life!” Not to mention “It’s not about the winning, it’s the taking part!”
And of course “I just want to get to Wembley!” It’s the new “I want to get to Blackpool”, don’t you know!

What you don’t see behind the smiles, the laughter and the camaraderie is the blood, sweat and tears. The sore feet, the blisters, the occasional tantrum. The injuries! I reckon that’s why sports people do so well on Strictly. They have the stamina to last to the end, and are used to pushing pain to the side in a desperate bid to reach that finishing line.

Whether Artem has reached the end of his own line is a matter for some debate. At some point during late rehearsals he managed to injure his back. Now, you can’t mess around with spines. They’re the very devil to sort out. That he managed to dance with Holly on the live show given that he had a fracture to his back says a lot for his nerve and dedication, although possibly not for his common sense. And a very good jive it was too, if unconventional. Artem really likes finding new ways to breathe life into dances: he rarely does the obvious. Holly, in matching pin-stripes, braces and spats executed the steps exceptionally well given the fact that in the rehearsal she’d had to train by herself. Sir Brucie stepped in briefly (and looked remarkably good!) but I guess when all is said and done, it’s perhaps not the same as training with your dance partner. All in all a good, quirky take on the jive, although I wish to god Holly would LOOK UP WHEN DANCING! Bashful jiving is not really what it’s about. There was more energy from her, but she always looks so apologetic!

If Holly has the demeanour of a partly comatose sloth, poor Artem looked as if he was in desperate need of some seriously strong pain killers. I think someone was waiting in the audience with a tranquiliser dart to put him out of his pain.
Looks like it missed and hit Holly instead.

Talking of the audience, nice to see Mr Ramps having a watch from the sidelines: no doubt relieved not to be up on the floor shaking his hips! I wonder if ex-strictly people ever have flashbacks to performing. Personally I think I would have been traumatised: first few bars of the theme music would have me scurrying behind the sofa with a pillow over each ear, just like I did when a child watching Doctor Who on a Saturday evening! But I guess that’s the allure of the show if you do well: it may leave terrifying scars but at the same time the people that you work with and the pride in being associated with something so loved must be utterly irresistible. Maybe, when the fake tan gets in your blood, you can’t get rid of it!

A word about the judges. Tonight, just for one night, we got rid of Len. I’m ambivalent to Len, to be honest. I think he needs to be there, but if he’s going to sit and do his best impression of Oscar the grouch from Sesame Street then frankly he can spend the whole show in his trash can as far as I am concerned. Please, could all the celebs and pros not cheese off Uncle Len? I like the Len who could pickle his walnuts in joy, not the one who looks as if his walnuts have been whipped...

Craig I confess to liking. There are times when I think he’s morphing into Gordon Brittas but again, if we could have the picky, acerbic yet constructive Craig rather than the one who delivers one-word critiques that make the celebs feel like they’re about to puke on his desk with fear then that would probably be more helpful. Although arguably not as entertaining.

Bruno I would like to retain, but only if he can be put in a straight jacket until he learns to sit up nicely in his chair. I know a lot of Italian people are expressive and constantly need to flourish their arms and assorted body parts but he does seem to have become excessively demented as the years have gone by. We have Felliway plug-ins to calm our cats in times of stress. There must be something similar for Bruno, surely?

Alesha’s role is to empathise and give out lots of unmerited 10s. She’s a bit hit or miss on the first, but she’s managing the latter quite nicely.

Uncle Len was replaced for the evening by Jennifer ‘Dirty Dancing’ Grey. As films go this one was pretty iconic, and her own winning stint on America’s version of Strictly gave her, like Alesha, a certain insight into what it was like to suffer in the name of public entertainment and public profile-raising. This brand of empathy manifested by turning itself into a paddle with the number ‘8’ on it. My conclusion from Jennifer’s brief stint on Strictly was that she seemed like a lovely person who had as few clues as to how to score a dance as Alesha ‘decimus maximus’ Dixon...

In fairness to Alesha, she didn’t give a single 10 during the show. And the reason for that was that, strangely enough, everything was littered with mistakes to the extent that not even she could whip out that big one-zero. Not even Harry Judd, a man who normally has both Bruno and Alesha fluttering their eyelashes from behind their desk, could work his pectoral magic in a samba that seemed just a tad too...antiseptic. It wasn’t a bad effort, and for the most part it was all there save for a few dodgy Voltas where his bounce action looked like a man on a pneumatic drill, but it’s the one dance where you have to just say ‘hang it all’ and channel Carmen Miranda! If you’re a bloke and you find the gaping, chest exposing v-neck seem as wide as the Grand Canyon, the steps too camp and the bounce action as difficult to control as wrestling with a giant inflatable, believe me it’s going to show. How many years has this show been going? And how many decent male sambas have there been? I think I can count about three!

And yes, Ramps’ samba was the best before anyone asks.

Credit to Aliona this week for giving Harry lots of good content! Someone else who always gets a fair amount to do is Russell, but I’m not sure that people see that. Possibly after the antics on the bull at the start of the campest, cutest, geekiest, most hilarious Paso you are likely to see you were even less likely to spot it! I’m not sure how long Russell and Flavia will stay in now that (as one of my friends wickedly put it) the detritus has been removed but I do hope they manage a few more weeks, as I want to see what other ingenious takes on dances Flavia and Russell have up their flamboyant sleeves!

The two Charlestons were the stars of the show. Chelsee and Pasha’s dance was an absolute triumph of choreography and storytelling, whilst being quite complex technically. Craig spotted something that I did, in that Chelsee had not only mastered the hands but also the head moves as well. And whilst Chelsee sparkled and shone, Anita too mastered her dance with consummate skill. It perhaps missed the odd trick or two in the routine, and there were one or two timing issues, but the style of the dance suited Anita’s sense of theatricality. Here she could act to her heart’s content without being lampooned for looking frenetic and ever so slightly dotty!

I guess that time she spent doing ‘Play Away’ in the 1970s must have paid off! If you can cope with that, you can just about handle anything...

Ah, now here I agree with Alesha on something because I was actually quite bored with Robbie’s routine as well. Actually, what was it? I can’t remember...I think it was a waltz? Of all the ballroom dances the waltz is one that I think is potentially open to the most innovative choreography, and (this isn’t a pop at Ola, who I like) I found that it didn’t really seem to do much for me. Not that I’m saying all waltzes have to be romantic and fluffy, but a melancholic waltz just didn’t hit the spot for me. I guess it’s that old chestnut of different strokes for different folks.
It is sad to see how dispirited a celeb can get when they feel they’ve done well, walk over to the judges with high hopes for great scores, only to have their performance dismissed as lukewarm and inoffensive. But for once I was kind of the judge’s side. Sorry Robbie!

Audley was another one who fell in to that category. He produced the sort of Viennese Waltz that you would expect from a big, friendly giant: sweet, endearing yet ultimately not very delicate. At times he seemed as stop-start as my sister’s last car (which conked out just seconds after she got it to the place she had sold it to). It wasn’t so much the sickly marshmallow of a dance you expect with a VW but rather the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters...

My one problem with Lulu is that she doesn’t really ‘perform’ a dance, with the exception of last week’s Paso. What we see is Lulu dancing, or going from step to step...yes, she may be having a good time (or not as the case may be) but there’s no real sense of drama or acting, which is a shame because if you can’t put on a show you may as well be dancing round a handbag at a disco on a Friday night. Arlene called it right, many years back. The one who will win will be the one who masters steps, technique and performance. And despite the gamest and pluckiest of efforts it was clearly never going to be Lulu. Her tango with Brendan had a lot to like about it, although like so many others it had mistakes (including one glaring one), but as soon as they descended from the stairs the performance sort of ran away from her a little.

Alex and James were really rather good: much better than I thought they were going to be from their training footage. Considering Alex managed to dance the majority of their quickstep with a heel stuck in her dress and still performed well, looking as if she was having a lot of fun in the process, a lot of praise should be accorded to her. The key to Alex, for me, is that she needs to have a character to hide behind – a hook – so that she can find her way into the dance. The more she understands the flavour of each dance and the acting skills required for it the better she has become each week. And the comedy pratfall at the end of the dance where she and James hit the floor on their backsides was up there with my favourite Strictly moments!

And then to Jason. In training he looked rather good. He had a lot of sway, he did good rumba walks and didn’t look especially phased. He’d chosen a piece of music much beloved of his dad, and Kristina had choreographed a beautiful routine (which bearing in mind it was the first time she’d ever gotten far enough in the show to do a rumba was quite a challenge). So, what went wrong?

I mean, Jason didn’t look nervous. But he didn’t look entirely like he was trying to be seductive either. There were moments of awkwardness which I personally believe is inevitable in a male celeb rumba unless you can really get into the part and lose yourself in it. But Craig managed to put his finger on what I found was wrong: he called it too ‘earnest’. It wasn’t especially tender or heartfelt, just a little strange and desperate if Jason’s expressions were anything to go by.

Kristina, naturally, didn’t particularly take kindly to the criticism of their performance although at least she stopped short of throwing a strop. Later on she was heard to say that some of her fellow pros had said that Jason’s was the best celebrity male rumba the show had seen. Er, let me see. So, that’s:

Colin Jackson

Matt Di Angelo

Matt Baker

Three of the best celebrity rumbas airbrushed out of Strictly history then? What a short memory some people have when it’s convenient! I mean, Matt Baker was only last year for goodness sake!!!

Of course Strictly is littered with the putrefied corpses of male rumbas. Too showy and it can look effeminate. Too blokey and the man looks as if he should be felling trees rather than wooing beautiful women. Ramps seemed as if he’d rather have had his teeth pulled than do rumba. Matt Dawson looked like he wanted to cry and hide his face in his mum’s skirt. It’s the dance of destruction. I mean, how do you cope with it? Is there a dance that is more likely to make you look a total prat? You could say the samba, but at least that’s fast! It’s gone in a blink – and a fun blink at that – whereas the rumba is 90 seconds of protracted agony; every wrong step, every shapeless arm and every terrified twitch of the lips highlighted for millions of people to see!

To top it all, you never know when it’s going to arrive in the contest. Do you hope that you get it late on, where you might have built up a reasonable fan base that will vote you through even if you did dance the thing with the air of a condemned man on his way to the guillotine? Do you hope to get it out the way early, and pray that there aren’t any fast, showy Latin dances by opposing celebs which might catch the public’s eye? I’d be interested to know which dance gets people out the most on Strictly, because if it’s not the samba then my money would be on the rumba...

Having said the above it came as no real shock when Mr Donovan was not voted out, even if his position looked slightly dodgy. I reckon his Neighbours-watching fan base back in the 1980s, all grown up now and in charge of their own phone bills, will keep him safe and heading to that final. The bottom two was even less of a shock. Audley had been in that spot twice already but Lulu found herself there for the first time.

And the last time, as it happened.

Much in keeping with his reputation as a fighter, Audley yet again dodged the elimination bullet and this time it was the Scottish singer who found herself being given the Strictly boot. Perhaps she went a week earlier than she should have but I suppose now we are getting in to the better dancers it would only have been a matter of time. Audley lives to face another round, but one can’t help but feel it’s only a matter of time before he hits that metaphorical canvas for good...

Strictly: Week Five and results show 30/10/11

I want to take Alesha’s 10 paddle away from her. And then I want to smack Robbie on the bottom with it!

But enough of my personal fantasies.

I know that at the end of the day Alesha’s marking the way she feels she ought to, and fair enough. Dance is subjective and affects us differently. Sometimes the performance will carry us along and make us feel deeply about it in a way that it might not some others. It’s just that I don’t get how you can award a 10 to something that is not palpably even near perfect.

Gosh, I miss Arlene. I’m not getting into this debate on ‘why was she removed’ or ‘why was Alesha brought in’ because it’s old history, but I’ve been thinking about this a little recently and I reckon the thing I miss most about Arlene was the fact that her scores were usually pretty much bang on, especially compared to the other judges. Len rarely dares to score below a 6 unless it’s obviously ghastly, Craig sometimes errs on the side of frugality although generally knows what he’s doing, Bruno is a law unto himself and Alesha is handing out 10s like they are sweets.

Yes, I appreciate the show has to change and adapt to keep fresh, and so it should. But I liked it when 10s were rare, and you felt they had to be earned. It was a real achievement to get a full house. It just doesn’t feel like that anymore.

Saturday’s show had a lot of mistakes in it, and I would have expected the marks to be lower generally than they were. Russell, the man who loves the samba to the extent that he actually became the samba, went wrong an awful lot, which I wondered at the time may have been partly due to going first for once. He looked so disappointed not to have done so well in his favourite dance, bless him, and it was really the first routine where he’d made noticeable errors. But of all the dancers on this Halloween themed evening he at least looked as if he was having fun, and threw himself into it, dodgy knee and all. I mean, a few years ago the words ‘Russell Grant and Kylie’ in the same sentence would have been a rather unlikely combination indeed!

Chelsee, bless her, almost fell out of her costume – in fact she thought she had – and led to her losing her balance, concentration and eventually to tears. Still, in spite of all expectations I’m starting to like Chelsee. I like her relationship with Pasha and she’s not only fun to watch but she’s starting to improve. I think perhaps, to my shame, I was slightly taken against her at the start because she reminded me very much of a girl I went to school with who was quite possibly the most irritating, self obsessed little monster I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Which of course has bog-all to do with Chelsee. However, I actually look forward to watching her and I thought both the tango and the dress last week were sublime, if somewhat problematic in places!

Audley, who seems as adorable as a basket of St Bernard puppies, unfortunately danced his jive as if he was suffering with severe bowel cramps. The jive and Audley Harrison were always going to be incompatible. Big men with huge feet tend not master the precision and kicks/flicks required for a fast dance, and at times he looked as if he were trying to remove a stick-tight piece of dog muck from the sole of his shoes. But the huge, beautiful grin was there as ever. And you have to admit that he played the piano beautifully!

I found the sight of James Jordan as Dracula rather distracting. I’m not sure this was the desired affect because Alex actually danced rather nicely, even if she was channelling Kate Bush at times with her white frock! It was an unusual Paso to say the least, but it worked well, and was probably Alex’s best performance to date. But if Craig found it strangely erotic compared to the previous week’s somewhat limp and lacklustre number, I just felt my eyes following Christopher Lee...sorry, James around the floor. I found it frankly disturbing how attractive I found him dressed as Count von Count from Sesame Street.

James, you can bite my neck any time!

Artem never does things by half measures either. In a daring attempt to reinvent the American Smooth by infusing elements of Natalie Portman’s Oscar winning turn in Black Swan, we had a rather delightful turn by Holly who, for possibly the first time in the show so far, seemed to perform beautifully the whole way through a routine. Holly hasn’t really set a dance alight for me so far: I’ve never really got the impression she loves the Strictly experience or indeed learning to dance. She hasn’t managed to light up the floor yet, but this take on Swan Lake actually incorporated her best attributes and used them well, and her arm placement was really lovely. The routine was innovative but split the judges less than I thought it might, with only Len admitting he would have liked more ‘in hold’ to make it a little more in keeping with the dance.

Nancy. How do you solve a problem like Nancy? She doesn’t really improve from week to week but she’s a game girl and always tries her best. She’s also difficult to read as a person because you never know when she’s being tongue-in-cheek and when she’s not, and this unfortunately could be misinterpreted as being diva-like. But for all that, Nancy has ZERO musicality in the way she dances. It’s the equivalent of someone trying to sing when they’re tone deaf. I’ve often considered the rumba to be the Strictly dance of death and, sure enough, Alesha thought she should have stayed in the coffin at the start of the routine! Poor Alesha: she can’t win. That’s the trouble with being the ‘nice’ judge; the one that’s meant to be sympathetic having been through it all before. The moment she makes a negative comment she sounds like a cat.

And you have to be fair to Alesha, because Nancy (for all that she’s a stylish glamour puss) does have a rather tomboyish way of strutting her stuff on the dance floor. I’m not sure the unladylike ‘legs apart’ comment went down too well with Nancy though, even if there was a certain degree of truth to it...

At least Alesha didn’t say she should have stayed in a ‘Y-Shaped coffin’.

Harry is a very fine ballroom dancer, there’s no question of that. Such a pity that he actually danced very little tango steps within his dance. I understand Aliona wanted to do something different for Halloween and make it showier, but this is one reason I wish the Beeb wouldn’t persist in themed evenings. Props, themes and costumes distract from the dance itself. Strictly shouldn’t be just a dance contest, true, or otherwise you should just bring back ‘Come Dancing’. But neither should it be the Generation Game.

I just have this feeling that Aliona might end up costing Harry with her choreography somewhere along the line, which is a shame because it’s quite clear that Harry can dance very well. I’d still like to see him smile more (although I grant you it’s not really appropriate for the tango) but I’d have Harry down to make the final three as it stands. If Aliona wants him to win, she’s going to have to start being a little more thoughtful.

Okay, where do I stand on the groinal thrusting as performed by Robbie in the Paso Doble? I’m actually not sure. On one hand I thought it went with the whole Michael Jackson inspired theme. On the other hand it’s a Paso Doble, not a Porno Doble. It didn’t offend me to be honest because I’m not a prude, but I guess I didn’t really see the need for all the crotch grabbing in the dance. Fine if the bullfighters in Spain start doing it; then it might feel a little more authentic (although considering where some of them get speared it might be more realistic than you might think). It did make me wince a little when thinking of all the kiddies up and down the country that watch the show, and all those who might not want their little treasures subjected to Craig having Robbie’s bits shoved in his face at the end of the routine like, to quote Red Dwarf’s Arnold Rimmer, ‘a dog that’s missing his master’s leg’.

It’s like swearing. It doesn’t bother me, and I curse a blue streak if there’s nobody there to hear it. But if I hear it on public transport it bothers me greatly. Double standards? Or just a matter of common decency? You tell me.

I can’t really say I enjoyed the routine anyway so the air-humping made no difference to me. But as long as Ola doesn’t put more of the same in the routine when they do the Viennese Waltz, I guess I can live with it!

I loved Anita’s costume and I loved her acting. I adore her enthusiasm. But Craig’s right: it’s time to sort that posture out. She stands very straight and tall (and speaking as a serial sloucher I am extremely envious), but it’s not helping her when it comes to the dances that are in hold. The tango was fabulously choreographed especially as Anita actually had to dance the whole way through rather than rely on props and gimmicks *cough* Aliona *cough*, but until she sorts that ballroom stance out she’s always going to look stiff and unnatural. But Anita will want to sort out the imperfections because she quite clearly wants to learn. I hope she stays in long enough for the judges to see that she has.

Lulu has a different problem, but one that stems from the same source. Whereas Anita is too inflexible and rigid, Lulu is too floppy and soft. That said I actually quite enjoyed Lulu’s performance. I think there’s no doubt that the theatricality of the dance suited her amazingly well, and the stylised batwing dress actually gave her something to help her in terms of the physicality of the routine. It was almost a prop, yet not a prop. A very good piece of work from the costumiers. And the entering and exiting on the wire harness was extremely well done.

Nice work, Brendan!

Jason of course upped his game again, as did Kristina. She’s obviously having the time of her life, having such a marvellous canvas to paint on. The quickstep to ‘Bewitched’ was very clever indeed and beautifully choreographed with extremely clever storytelling. It was so nice to see a dance routine that incorporated the theme of Halloween without it dominating the dance itself. I can’t help but feel that both this year and last the flavour of each unique style of dance gets gobbled up in a kind of pantomime farce. This dance bucked that trend wonderfully.

Oh, and then there was Alesha waving that 10 again for a dance that did have a few mistakes in it. Someone wrestle it off her, would you? I have an errant ex-footballer to chastise!

Well, the inevitable happened and Nancy, as if by a puff of magic, exited the show (unladylike legs and all). Having been in the bottom two already on a couple of occasions it was clear that she was a likely candidate to be voted off. Whilst I didn’t dislike her – and from a warped entertainment point of view it was almost a shame to see her leave - I have to say from a dance perspective it was probably for the best.

There are only so many weeks of seeing Anton going purple in the face that I can take...