Strictly: Week Three

It’s proving an interesting series, this one. Interesting because although there are roughly five or so who have established themselves in the top ranks, you can’t tell where this is going. It’s probably the most open series in a good, long while.

Kara and Artem are probably in the aforementioned top five. They have a nice little partnership going on, and they look good together. It really does help if a team are a cute, believable package – all the previous winners looked as if they were just right for each other on the dance floor. Certainly Kara and Artem have that same appearance. Of course, what would propel them to another level would be if they could show that they were also something a bit special, to make them stand out a bit more, because whilst everything they do is smooth, sparkly and glam they as yet don’t have that ‘wow’ factor about them. There are already one or two others that have started to exhibit that certain something, and ultimately whilst I believe the pair of them will progress to the hindermost end of the contest, I don’t think they will win.

What we got yesterday was a very polished, mostly accurate, cheeky little quickstep. I really liked it; I thought the choreography was nicely done, and even if Len didn’t approve of the cartwheel by Kara at the start I thought that it was actually a reasonable inclusion in a dance that is already a glorified Charleston/Foxtrot hybrid. It’s not as if they came on the set via unicycles! I was with Craig this time: a very difficult move to do in heels (the man himself suggested he’d had some experience of this, darling!) and wonderfully executed. Overall, a fine start to proceedings.

A word about Bruno. He’s decided to transform himself into ‘Mr Picky’. Now, I know that makes him sound like a Roger Hargreaves Mr Man character, although given the name I’m not sure how anyone would dare draw him, but there seems to be a subtle shift towards his transformation into the Diva amongst the judges. They’ve all had their moments, of course. Craig has a lonnnnnnnng association with being ‘Mr Narrrsty’, not always deserved it has to be said, but this year appears to have mellowed. Len seemed a bit bluff and brusque last night, and does get fed up with ‘faffing about’ on the stage (but on that point I have a bit of sympathy – I’m sure he’s gritted his teeth on a few occasions already this season about all the tricks and gimmicks crammed into routines). And as for Alesha, I’m not even going to comment, “babe.” But I want the old Bruno back. The barking mad one...the one who told everyone they were rubbish with a big grin on his face. Mr Picky doesn’t suit him.

Next up; bendy Felicity. Or Felicity Bendal, as we should now call her. How in the name of the almighty does someone over sixty move like that? I can hardly get out of bed in the morning without straining something, and I’m half her age! It was like watching a contortionist in a Victorian circus act! It was nice to see her being given a chance to ‘act’ the part again, and the storytelling aspect of the rumba allowed her to do just that, but whilst the emotion was there for all to see and the actual moves themselves were fine, the judges were swift to pick up on something I had mentioned to my sister (hark at me, the dance expert!): that the linking between the elements wasn’t very smooth and sort of broke up the whole flow of what otherwise could have been a mighty fine routine.

I think there are a lot of disappointed Vincent fans out there that just don’t seem to think there’s much chemistry between them. I think there is: it’s just of a different sort to what we have seen before. Possibly his fans feel the likelihood of the couple progressing to the midway stage is unlikely, and much as I do like both of team ‘Felincent’, if they stay at the same level they are at now I’m inclined to agree.

I felt a bit sorry for Patsy. Following on from last week’s bubbly salsa she found herself back in hold for an overly fleet-footed quickstep. It’s obvious from what Patsy herself has said that she much prefers the Latin discipline to the constraints of the ballroom – and it shows. She gave it a fair stab, and whilst she never looked comfortable at least there was no sign of the terrified fluffy bunny we saw on the first night. Unfortunately, she screwed up with her first few steps which not surprisingly then saw her struggle from that point to keep up. It also didn’t help that Robin had perhaps given her a routine which, although performed much better in rehearsal by all accounts, was a tad too fast for a beginner. It had more skip than a bush kangaroo and, alas, was half as graceful...

Paul and Ola. Oh, dearie me. I don’t want to see someone in their 70s dancing the rumba with a pretty young thing wrapped in, well, not very much to be honest. It looks wrong. It looks awkward. In fact it looks downright pervy! Not Paul’s fault, but it does take away from the credibility of the dance when one of the protagonists looks like a septuagenarian patient trying to resist the advances of his pretty, avaricious nurse. How he survived to the end of the show without collapsing I do not know. I suppose “that’s magic!” Favourite to go out tonight? Last week Paul’s quip to Bruno probably gained him some votes, but whether that goodwill extends this week will depend on how sorry the public feel for them. I think it became quite clear that Paul felt a little brassed-off with the judge’s comments, and possibly his lack of grace – coupled with the fact that he’s clearly not going anywhere in this contest – will see him kicked out sooner rather than later. Possibly, it would be a mercy for Ola!

Hold the press! Matt Baker was...nervous! Who’d have thunk it??? And it just goes to show that even the most confident looking people can have a wobble from time to time. To his credit, Matt didn’t especially show it during the routine although the one thing I would say is at times it didn’t seem to convey his natural joy and flair. It still had plenty of style and timing, and was a good vehicle for showing off what looks like a well-matched partnership. The footwork was crisp and light but at times the legs looked a little...odd. A bit ‘ministry of silly walks’. I’m not certain why Craig’s 7 paddle was given an airing, because it looked like a solid 8 to me, but he was correct that there were visible faults with it and given how splendiferous Matt has been over the last two weeks perhaps it wasn’t as polished. Still, for a backward step it was a heck of a good one!

Gavin Henson. What are we to do with Gav? I keep seeing wistful postings on Twitter and Digital Spy from ladies who are hoping rather than believing that Gavin can be the next Mark Ramprakash. I have a slight problem with this. Firstly, Ramps was very good from the get-go. Sure, he experienced dodgy weeks but he was pretty special from the start. Gavin hasn’t really shown an eighth of the talent Mark did in the first few weeks. The only connection I see between Henson and Ramprakash is that they are both sportsmen, and that’s where the similarity ends. Mark had natural rhythm and musicality. Gavin dances like a chimney stack. No, it’s no use pretending: however much Gavin improves (and I haven’t seen that much in the last three weeks) he still dances as if he’s spent 600 years rooted in Sherwood Forest.

Secondly, there is only one Mark Ramprakash. End of.

Right, having brushed the bias to one side let’s deal with yesterday’s performance. He did try to put some hip action into it but with minimal success. It all looked a little lumpen, staid and static. Katya has her work cut out to make him into something special.

I’m not really getting this partnership. I think it’s because Gavin doesn’t really seem to know what to do with himself out of hold, which is why he looks more comfy in ballroom. There’s some kind of barrier there that he refuses to break through, or cannot, that stops him expressing himself and until he sorts it out he is going to go from good one week (ballroom) to, shall we be kind and say ‘less than good’ (latin) the next. And one Saturday he’s going to run out of weeks: probably during an embarrassing attempt at a samba. Sure, he’s got certain qualities (that six pack of his is possibly his main asset where the lady viewers are concerned) but, as my friend Deirdre wittily observed, Gavin is like the adverts for Cuprinol: “everything is wooden and a strange orange colour.”

Scott and Natalie: Now, everything they’ve done before has been good. I may not have enjoyed last week’s salsa that much, but even an untrained ignoramus like me could see that the steps were all there even if I didn’t much care for the gingham ribbon it was all tied up with. This week, however, I really enjoyed their quickstep. Most importantly, it had the thing that is key with this dance – fun! And it had it in spades. It was a good, vote-winning dance set to a children’s classic (c’mon, who doesn’t love the Jungle Book?), and yes, perhaps Natalie’s leopard print dress was a bit much, but it did go with the theme of the dance. As some have pointed out it was slightly flat-footed at times, but then again so was Ramps’ quickstep and I still loved the showiness of that routine despite the flaws. In fact, I think Scott got the same score for his quickstep that Mark did. Like a lot of people, I haven’t really got a sense of Natalie’s own personality over the last two years but I think we may actually have seen it peeking out in this dance. Scott is starting to grow on me a tad!

Michelle and Brendan. She doesn’t really want to be there, does she? I’m assuming that’s because she’s disappointed that she’s not pleasing the judges as much as she wanted, and is probably wondering what else she has to do in order to get some good feedback (Alesha doesn’t count, because I’ve found her opinions to be increasingly light weight and vacuous). There’s also the glaringly obvious fact that she is not a natural dancer. Not in the slightest. And therein lies the problem, because you can work harder than anyone, and chip away at technical faults, but you cannot put in what god left out. Michelle is simply not...gifted. Not awful, but not a natural.

And that sort of summed up the routine for me. It wasn’t helped by the fact that Brendan was bedecked head to foot in a shade of brown that can only be described as ‘cow-byre’, and resembled a badly upholstered leather sofa. How Michelle could possibly perform a dance where she was supposed to have a meaningful relationship with someone who looked as if he belonged in a DFS showroom is beyond me...

Len pointed out the heels thing. They are too tall. I said so in week one – aren’t I clever? Because her balance and her weak legs are letting her down big time, which is a shame, because she actually has the ability to hit some decent lines. Not that it’s going to matter for much longer because at this rate the pair of them are going to get kicked off the show. I don’t think Michelle will last much longer, to be honest. It won’t have gone unnoticed that whilst everyone was clapping and jiggling around at the end of the show, Michelle stood somewhat subdued and unhappy looking. At first I thought she was having a strop, but it appears that Brendan's father has passed away, and it must have felt awkward to show any happiness under those circumstances.

And big props to Brendan. It must have been extremely difficult to dance having lost someone close that very day. He may not be my favourite pro-dancer, but he showed a lot of dignity.

Peter and Erin: this was the most improved couple by far. Mind you, given the subterranean depths Mr Shilton had plumbed with his salsa, the only way was up! And whilst it wasn’t as special or sparkly as Kara’s, as well danced as Matt’s or as fun and sublimely presented as Scott’s, it had a certain charm to it! Erin is indeed the quickstep queen and she really should be commended for the hard work she put in with Peter. It started a little stiffly but then moved around the room, and Peter kept up with all the steps beautifully. At last, a dance that suited him! However, with the return to latin next week I’m beginning to think he and Michelle will be fighting out the bottom spot should he survive tonight.

And didn’t Peter look dapper in his suit?

Jim and Flavia...hmm. I can see why the judges went to town a bit here. There were moments where it looked very dramatic and tender, and other times where it looked so frenetic that if he’d picked up a tambourine and started beating it you wouldn’t have been at all surprised. And he really has to sort out his facial expressions. He’s got the full array, but it’s as if he never quite fits the right one to the moment, which is a little distracting. Could you imagine dear old Bill Turnbull reading the news of a morning; some tragedy or natural disaster that has befallen a swathe of the sub continent, whilst grinning like a lunatic? No? That’s how distracting and inappropriate Jimi’s face pulling is!

Now, I like Jimi. I’ll be surprised if he at least doesn’t make it into the last half of the show. But he’s not doing himself any favours. The routine had some lovely bits in it, but it was supposed to be a romantic, angsty dance of love and lust. We got Bela Lugosi rather than Rudolph Valentino. It was just a tad...weird.

A tad weird doesn’t go far enough to describe Ann and Anton’s quickstep. This is mostly because of the height difference, and it doesn’t matter which dance is performed: she’s still going to be staring at Anton’s nipples (not a pleasant thought). Even if she didn’t resemble an inflatable Dalek, they would have no choice but to play it for comedy! But credit where it is due: Anton gave her steps to perform, and perform them she did – far better than I anticipated! It was still pretty naff, but only a heartless old cynic couldn’t take some enjoyment out of watching Widdi dance! Craig actually flashed his 3 paddle, which at least indicated the fact that she had actually danced rather than walked around the floor, pointing! So, well done Ann. It may actually be the first and only time I will ever applaud a Tory.

Pamela and James have in my humble opinion the best chemistry of all the couples. She’s having fun, James is having fun reminding her of the dreaded ‘Miss Piggy’ moment last week where she spun out of control...it just looks like they are having a blast. Not many people can master the rumba but Pamela did exactly that. In fact I will be genuinely surprised if there is a dance that she can’t get to grips with. She’s a very instinctive, intuitive dancer. The rumba was sensual, beautiful and, unlike Paul and Ola’s attempt, it didn’t look at all pervy that James should be wooing a much older woman! It was definitely the best dance of the night.

It should also be mentioned that Tina did not dance due to having contracted Chickenpox. I was going to crack a joke about not having to be in the 'spotlight', but having suffered with CP as an adult, and having had spots everywhere (and I do mean everywhere) including down my throat and windpipe, I'll save the rubbish jokes for next week. Provided she makes it in for next week: if she doesn't, she's out the contest. Here's hoping she is able to continue long enough until the public get bored of her and boot her out.

And there we have it. One couple will go tonight...but who? Will Paul run out of magic tricks? Has Peter been ‘saved’ for the last time? Has Michelle met her destiny? Tune in to the results show to find out!

Or cheat like me and read the spoilers.