Strictly: Week Four

I’m really enjoying this year’s show. Much more than I did last year and certainly more than the year before that. The changes have injected new life into the series over all, although I still have issues with some of them. I still do not like the overuse of props. Fair enough if you’re a clodhopper with two left feet, one of them borrowed from Long John Silver, but otherwise dispense with the time wasting and show us you can dance! Else I am going to assume one of two things: you really can’t dance as well as you’d hoped, or the choreographer is trying to be just a little bit too smart.

There were two contrasting styles of dance on display this evening: the powerful, dramatic, sexually-charged tango and the fun, loopy, slightly goofy Charleston. One has the dangerous aura of a flashing steel blade, whereas the other is like being hit repeatedly over the head by a pigs bladder filled with water. It is impossible to mix them up unless you happen to dance the tango very badly indeed, in which case I can only assume you are high on tequila...

Jimi M kicked off proceedings with a Charleston to ‘Do Your Thing’, a track I happen to love. It’s also an exceptionally fast piece of music, and whilst it does (just about) suit a Charleston it also risks highlighting any timing issues you may have should you get out of step with your partner, which Jimi did do on occasion. Now, this routine was possibly the guiltiest one of the lot this evening in terms of silly gimmicks. What was all that nonsense at the start with the two paper windows, Flavia??? I mean, do you have such little faith in your partner that you have to spend what seems like eternity faffing about at the start pulling faces at each other? What he did do, he did well enough. Overall it was a little frenetic, and he messed up some steps as a result. His technique was a little suspect, too. But there were plus points: he acted it well and his somewhat weird array of facial contortions worked in the context of the dance. It was all just a little bit...mad, however, and I just didn’t like the contrived beginning or end.

I had high hopes for Jimi at the start but if he doesn’t show some consistent improvement in the coming weeks then it will probably be curtains for him post mid-way in the show’s run.

Scott and Natalie’s performance probably was the best in the series so far, but it wasn’t my favourite in the series so far. I just can’t explain it...I actually preferred last week’s routine even although I know that it wasn’t as good in terms of actual dancing! I’ve come to the conclusion that a ‘wow’ dance has to have everything come together: music, lighting, dancing, costume, energy, passion...the whole works. If one element is slightly out of kilter it will not be ‘special’ to me, and this was the case tonight. I wanted to love it, but it didn’t grab me. A tango should be a short, sharp assault on the senses, and it didn’t clutch at the parts that a tango should, if you get my drift. So, which element was missing? Well, the fact that Natalie was dressed as a daffodil may very well have killed the mood for me.

Back in series one Natasha danced a wonderful Paso doble in sheer white, and the contrast of the purity of the costume with the nature of the dance somehow didn’t jar at all: in fact it added to the drama. But tonight as I watched Scott and Natalie menacingly prowl the floor I kept wondering if “Scottttttttttttt!” was going to peel her.

I’m still not quite feeling the love for Tina and Jared. They are better than they were, and they are cute, and they still have potential to improve. Nothing they did was woeful, or offensive. They are just a nice couple that don’t really stand out in a group of somewhat bigger personalities. Their Charleston was fun, cheeky and she really looked the part (with barely a Chickenpox scab in sight). It did lack a little energy at times, which possibly may have been a knock-on effect of her illness, and towards the end of the routine it became slightly leaden, but they did do a spectacular cartwheel section where they took it in turns to support and flip each other around, so Tina’s obviously not too weak!

Yet for all that, they still remind me of two kids at primary school where the teacher asks if anyone knows the answer to the question, and they are desperately raising their hand in the air shouting “Miss! Miss! I know!” And all the while the smarter kids at the front get all the attention. I have a feeling that in this case our two enthusiastic performers are also going to be swamped by class swots Matt Baker and Scott Maslen.

Felicity is another one who seems destined to only get so far in this show. There is a certain amount of improvement each week in different areas. This time Vincent taught her the difference between left and right by stuffing an apple in one sock and a banana in the other. Fruit therapy may yet catch on in this country. Of course, this did leave us wondering if Felicity was going to dance covered in kiwis and pomegranates...was it to be ‘the last mango in Paris?’

What Felicity does possess, other than a body that most people half her age would kill for, is the ability to get into the dance’s character. Again, I’m not for faffing about at the start or pretending that the judge’s desk is a bar stool, but this worked in terms of setting the scene and mercifully didn’t go on for too long. My untrained eye wonders if there are very small micro moments where Felicity thinks about the next step rather than dancing it, because when she just lets herself go and acts it’s really rather good, but then at times she briefly seems to come out of performance mode and look a trifle uncertain. Vincent seemed quite happy with the big smacker she planted on his face at the end, and she danced it fairly well, but I’m not sure that’s going to be enough to get them much further. Unless they really improve now I can only see Felicity lasting another three weeks at the most.

Patsy and Robin’s dance was fairly difficult to sum up. What it did have in spades was Charleston steps, Charleston feel, Charleston music – in other words it felt fairly authentic, and in amongst all the props that we’ve seen this season it’s been so good to see a couple basically just get on and dance! Patsy looked super with the black hair, although I am always terrified that wigs are just going to go flying in such energetic dances! I think the main problem, as the judges were swift to pick up on, is that it looked very good from the waist up but Patsy didn’t really pick up her knees enough, which gave the impression that she was slowly running out of puff towards the end (which she may well have)! However, the armography was extremely good, and the slightly less rigid dances where Patsy can come out of her shell seem to suit her much better.

Gavin and Katya. I’m not mincing my words. They have to be a candidate for the most boring partnership in Strictly history. Actually, that is unfair to Katya who does have a lot of personality. I guess I’m trying to say that Gavin is possibly the most boring person to take part in Strictly. I guess it’s the eternal curse of the shy person. Ramps and Rachel both had the same charges levelled against them, but there is one subtle difference. Whether you found them engaging off the floor or not, they both danced with their heart and soul when it came to shaking their thing in the studio. Gavin, now so orange that you could set him up on the Antiques Roadshow as a mahogany 18th century card table, has one facial expression alone which he reuses for every dance. It’s the same expression my cat wears when getting a thermometer inserted in a very personal place by the vet: one of total surprise, where he’s not entirely sure if he’s enjoying the experience or not. Same glazed look. Same slightly bulging eyes. It’s not appealing.

The best thing about the performance was Katya’s gorgeous red dress, which I would happily wear if I lost half my body weight. But even Katya made mistakes today, and it sort of set the tone for the whole routine. I expected the tango would be a good dance for Gavin: one where he could channel all that rugby aggression and machismo...but no. We got Ragdollyanna instead. There’s no use saying “He’s a sportsman. He’s not used to emoting.” Rubbish.

Denise Lewis. Colin Jackson. Mark Ramprakash. None of them ever went to drama school. However, I suggest that’s what Gavin does next because at the present he’s displaying the charisma of a cold, greasy half-eaten kebab.

As for Peter and Erin, I have to say I thought Erin did very well indeed. The least said about Peter the better!

Oh, okay then...I suppose I have to say something more than that. I was glad to see Billy Connolly in the audience cheering on Pamela, because Peter’s dancing reminded me of one of his more famous routines: the one with the incontinence trousers tied at the ankles, gradually filling up over time. Bless him, he did try, but he didn’t seem remotely comfortable. It looked like a dance performed by a man who’d been bedridden for 20 years. The timing was shot to pieces, and he could hardly pick his legs up off the ground. There’s a really old, rotund Labrador with a grey muzzle I sometimes see crawling down the road in the morning after his master, who can hardly put one paw in front of the other. Peter’s dance was a little bit like that. Truly ghastly, but it’s difficult to slate it with true venom because Peter’s such a lovely chap.

I’m beginning to get tired writing all this stuff. I love the show, don’t get me wrong, but the sooner we lose a few more people (Gavin, Michelle and Peter, I’m talking to you) the less time I have to spend thinking of vaguely witty things to say! Fortunately, Pamela and James are still up in the top half of the contest. Purple leopard skin is an odd choice for a tango dress, but I guess they had a job lot of it in storage and just went with it! Next week you can expect to see Gavin dancing the samba in a leopard skin thong. Face it; this may be the only way he can stay in the show now.

James appeared to be sporting a bit of facial fluff today. I’m not sure if hairy James does anything for me, but the dance was fairly slick and had good, sharp tango movement and great staccato. It wasn’t quite as polished as Scotttttttttttt’s banana split routine nor as dramatic (I think perhaps Scott’s music was more powerful) but thankfully Pamela didn’t humiliate herself in front of hubby, who seemed to be having an enjoyable time in the audience! It was certainly good enough to keep her in the top half of the leader board, and she remains at this time one of the favourites to get in to the final three.

Now, it would be fair to say that one of the other favourites is undoubtedly Matt Baker. My mother has taken violently against Aliona’s hair for reasons I don’t understand. I think it looks rather good, personally, although I agree that it maybe didn’t evoke the feel of the dance in the same way that Patsy’s did. I had more problems with the costumes than the hair. Aliona’s mini tutu was slightly baffling...it didn’t scream Charleston at me. Matt was only fractionally better in his striped outfit. He’d obviously come dressed as the ‘slug balancer’ from Blackadder Goes Forth...certainly his top lip did appear to sport a rather unfortunate and, I dare say, deliberately artificial looking 'tash!

Now, last week you will remember that I said this about Kara’s quickstep routine:

“Even if Len didn’t approve of the cartwheel by Kara at the start I thought that it was actually a reasonable inclusion in a dance that is already a glorified Charleston/Foxtrot hybrid. It’s not as if they came on the set via unicycles!”

So, guess who came on to the set via a unicycle?!? Matt/Aliona, have you been reading my blog???

I’m not certain Len did care for the beginning but the footwork was the best of the night. It was really precise and beautifully done; the ankle movement was fantastic and very high energy throughout. Matt’s routines are usually fairly polished and great fun to watch. Again, however, the content was just so full-on and unrelenting that inevitably mistakes were going to be made, and sadly the routine wasn’t perfect. It was however pure, unadulterated fun. Definitely a candidate for the final four, nor would I be surprised to see him win the whole shebang.

Next week, though, can I suggest a sparkly outfit for the slug?

Michelle’s still not making as much progress as you would hope. I have to say, with apologies to Brendan, that Ian makes a better match for her height-wise and they looked more ‘together’ than she did at any point with her true partner. It was by far and away her best performance, but it still has a sort of feebleness...I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s lack of confidence translating itself to all parts of the body. The judges spotted the intermittent posture problems during the tango, and having watched her over the last four weeks it seems to me that she is physically quite delicate. There doesn’t seem to be much muscle on her at all, hence the wobbliness of every move. I think she will probably have to get herself to a gym pronto and do some strength and conditioning if she wants to stay in the contest.

Kara is technically the best in the contest after Matt, but she appears to have the same problem that Rachel Stevens initially had a few years back in terms of ‘feeling’ the dance, or expressing it with every fibre in the body. “Dancing from the heart” is how Arlene succinctly described it. Kara dances exquisitely with her body, expresses and emotes reasonably well with her face...so what is it that’s missing? She almost got it right with her kooky Charleston – at times she nailed it – and yet that magical something is still not there. Perhaps she didn’t let herself go enough? The Charleston almost has to be danced as if you are sending yourself up. You have to crank it up to the level of self-parody before it’s entirely believable, and this was her chance to let herself go but didn’t quite take it. Sometimes I think you can be a little too polished. Colin Jackson falls into this category, so at least she’s in pretty good company.

I don’t have a problem with Ann still being in Strictly when frankly my dad could out-dance her (and that’s saying something, because he can’t even do ‘dad dancing’ properly). I think the reason is because she is offering something so different from everyone else that there is still room for her in the show. I might feel differently were she to get to the last four, but at the moment there is enough to like about Ann and Anton that I don’t care if she stays in over the likes of Gavin or Peter.

My only problem at the moment is wondering what they can possibly do the following week to top whatever has gone before! Ann made Strictly history by arriving on the floor via a harness and wire, which looked spectacular for all the wrong reasons! For some reason whilst ‘flying’ she appeared to only have one working arm, a bit like Davros on Dr Who; not that I see Davros as a catsuit and sequins individual. A bit difficult for the Daleks to take him seriously, I suppose...

I digress. Picture the following: Ann, descending to earth to meet Anton (with a rose between his teeth). Exactly the right tone to take, because the moment they attempt to do something too serious I think their stay on Strictly will be over. As Craig said, the problems started the moment Ann attempted to dance! She performed the steps with a certain degree of competence, but she’s never going to be Sarah Jessica Parker, let’s face it. Thankfully she’s not pretending to! I have to say I thought Ann looked rather smart in the sparkly trousers and top!

There was one small matter of excessive eyebrow raising from my good self and it came at the end of the judge’s scores. Len, in an uncharacteristic bout of generosity, gave Ann a ‘se-vennnn!’ for entertainment value! Now, he’s never done this before for these reasons. I’m not one for conspiracy theories but it does strike me as odd. The seven awarded by Len placed Ann above Peter Shilton in the leader board, making sure that Peter would receive only one point. Did the judges, knowing that Ann’s popularity was most likely going to see her safe anyway, decide to make sure Peter was plumb last to increase his chances of going out?

Not that I care one way or the other. If Peter goes tonight I will be a quietly relieved bunny. Having seen the Shilton Charleston I think their samba may well do for what’s left of my sanity..