Strictly no contest

It’s back folks! Break out the sequins, the fake tans and the large, pink feather boas. Sprinkle that glitter liberally – everybody’s favourite dance show has returned!

Of course, Strictly is rather important to the Rampants: after all, it’s what brought us all together four years ago now. Over the years there have been many changes made to the format, and lots of controversies and heart-stopping moments. I thought it would be fun to start off Strictly series 8 by looking back on some of those less than gratifying moments in the show’s history before we get sucked into the glam world of high heels and gusset-flashing.

Dummygate: you know what I’m talking about. The dance that supposedly cost Erin Boag and Colin Jackson a win in series three. Er...wrong! Only a meteorite falling on top of Darren Gough would have stopped him and Lilia raising the glitterball that year. He was so far ahead of Colin and Zoe in terms of votes that Colin could have danced the fandango naked save for an ostrich feather & glittery thong and it wouldn’t have got him a win. Although one has to admit that the ‘dummy dance’ was possibly not the best of choices either. "Don't mention the Muppets" is the cry that usually goes out at this time of year!

Buntongate: she’s a Spice Girl! And she’s probably the most famous celeb ever to be on Strictly! And she’s every bloody where! And the judges are possibly over-marking her! And she’s promoting her single on Children in Need! And the viewers keep putting her in the bottom two! And now Bruno’s criticising the public for putting her in the bottom two! And...and...we’re all sick of her!

Well, that’s how it was at the time. Bottom line is that Emma probably shouldn’t have taken the amount of flack she did, but through accident or design it did smack of the judges desperately trying to foist their opinions on the unenlightened viewing public. And the unwashed masses never take kindly to being told how to think.

The simple fact of the matter is that Strictly always has these little backlashes as a result of perceived favouritism, and it’s probably worse for the ladies than the male celebs who don’t attract the same level of vitriol from a mostly female viewing audience. Sure, Arlene drooled and dribbled over Ramps (we sympathised a little on that score) but she was quick to hammer him if he messed up. There were times where Emma Bunton seemed on course for canonisation. If she’d bounced on one leg repeatedly for 90 seconds to Whigfield’s ‘Saturday Night’ she’d still have been showered in 10s...

Tarbygate: I like Tarby. He’s a top bloke. But he’s a top bloke who probably should have been watching rather than dancing, which is exactly what he ended up doing due to ill health. Suddenly short of a couple, it made the BBC take a leaf out of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ book and they introduced a concept that went down like a ton of bricks: the dreaded-dance off. Looking back on it, having suffered the dance-off over the past three series, it doesn’t have the same impact it did that day when ickle Louisa and equally ickle and lovely Vinthent were booted out on quarter final week. The fans were outraged. It felt as if their beloved couple had been murdered during some sick experiment.

Micgate: Oh yes. Many a Rampant heart momentarily seized up when Mark’s microphone got wrapped around Karen Hardy as they danced their now famous Salsa. Apparently it led to discontented grumblings in some circles about how they should have been kicked off for not finishing the dance first time. How you’re actually supposed to dance a Salsa when lashed together with 5 foot of cable I don’t know, but those not of a Rampant persuasion (mostly Bunton supporters) got rather tetchy about the fact they got another go.

Well, all I can say is “nanananah-nah!” < ------------- iz feeling childish.

Meltdowngate: Matt Di Angelo sat on the stairs and had a bit of a wibble to himself as his brain decided to erase all memory of the steps he had learned. I have a bit of sympathy for him and all the competitors on this score. Let’s face it, we all have our favourites and those we like a little less, but these folks are putting themselves under a lot of pressure for our entertainment. Oh, and for publicity as well.

And probably a fair amount of money. But still, it’s not nice seeing a young man break down and cry for his mummy on live television. I did feel sorry for him. I felt sorrier for Gethin, who lost out because of the sympathy vote that went Matt Di Angelo’s way. And then when I saw the tank-top they made poor Mr Di A wear in the final showdance, I felt sorry for him all over again. It was like looking at a dance-off between a purple satin-clad Wonder Woman and Frank Spencer. Did you ever doubt who was going to win?

Sergeantgate: Oh dear. Strictly has one of these ever year. And each time the public suffer with selective amnesia. Dear John wasn’t the first. The pioneer was poor Chris Parker, whose Batman Paso doble has become a Strictly classic for all the wrong reasons! The judges are honest – perhaps too honest – and tell the contestant that they danced like a monkey on ball bearings. Then the public get humpty and call in to save the poor little leg wobbler. And, hey presto! Someone who can actually walk in a straight line gets chucked out instead! Followed by howling and great gnashing of teeth from the other half of the public who couldn’t be arsed to pick up the phone and save their favourites in the first place!

In recent years we’ve had Craig ‘I wanna get to Blackpool’ Kelly. We’ve had Georgina ‘James has taken my chocolate away’ Bouzova. Jan ‘I hope you’re happy’ Ravens. And most protractedly Kate ‘my foot’s come off’ Garraway. They’re all nothing new. Fans of “dancing” may not like it, but they have their place in the show.

John was probably the most familiar, just through that iconic moment when he dragged Kristina across the floor like a sack of King Edward spuds, and because he took the decision to quit before it got silly. Was it a noble gesture? Should he have gone on, for Kristina’s sake (not to mention all those that voted for him)? No doubt this year people will phone in to save a much-cherished no-hoper with two left feet (one of which doesn’t work) and, despite the removal of the dance-off this year, one unfortunate individual sat mid-table will get kicked out, a process which is now known as ‘doing a Spoony’.

Arlenegate: You can say what you want, but Arlene told it as it was. At times she said it in a way that probably had people repeatedly banging their heads off the nearest flat surface. Blunt, direct, sometimes almost cattish, but always painfully truthful: Arlene was ironically the judge that used to give the dancers tips on how to improve. And yet after the aforementioned Sergeantgate the BBC decided to drop her from the show. Suddenly, those clamouring for Arlene’s head the previous series started yelling ‘ageism’ at the top of their voice, and Arlene went from panto villainess to Queen of Hearts in one fell swoop! Fickle audience...

I personally liked Arlene. I miss the botched attempts at alliteration. I miss the eyeing up of the handsome male celebs. Interesting to note that whilst the BBC denied any of the ageism claims laid at its door having replaced Arlene with someone 30 years her junior, half of this year’s line-up looks like they should be residing in Bayview from ‘Waiting for God’. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, except that past experience shows that the winner is invariably under the age of 40. You see, subconscious ageism exists amongst the voters as well.

He/she has danced before-gate: every year without fail, someone points out that at least one of the dancer’s has an unfair advantage. Jill didn’t deserve to win, apparently, because she had dance training (as has every actor and actress who trained at drama school). Singers have an unfair advantage because they are used to working with choreographers. If you’re a former gymnast like Gabby Logan: forget it (watch out Matt Baker)! Basically, this means that the ideal winner of Strictly should come from a background that has as little resemblance to dancing as possible. If there are any celebrity road-sweepers, they’re on to a sure thing!

Aleshagate: having decided not to offer Arlene a contract, the Beeb offered the spare judge’s roll to former Strictly favourite Alesha Dixon. The outrage that had been felt at Arlene’s un-ceremonial departure was somehow turned on to her usurper, although it’s reasonable to assume that if Alesha hadn’t taken the job then someone else would have caught the barrage of rotten eggs. Indignation turned to outrage when Alesha’s judging skills were found to be, well...a bit rubbish. And poor, put-upon, sadly deluded Craig Kelly caught the brunt of Alesha’s tongue when she let him know exactly how little she wanted to sit there and watch his inexorably bad attempts at putting one foot in front of another.

As a former competitor you’d have thought there would have been a little more sympathy! But Alesha had the last, braying laugh when she signed up as a judge for series 8. No doubt now that she’s settled in to the roll the press will find some other negative thing to criticise about the show this year!

Bruce is too old-gate: Oh, c’mon. He’s not everyone’s cup of char-char-char. But picking on Bruce is a little unfair. It’s a bit like telling God he’s too old. Oh, hang on...that’s how atheism came about.

Antonmakesanidiotofhimselfgate: look, affable Anton’s been doing that for years. A man who wears a jive outfit that is so red and luminous you could see it from space is not really going to bother his backside who thinks what about him. Although he spent so much time last year with his foot in his mouth it’s amazing he managed to dance at all...

The Beeb fixed it so Tom Chambers would win-gate: personally, I reckon Tom was always going to win. He was like Goughie, or Ramps. Each year the public latch on to someone and it was Tom’s year. The phone line scandal meant Tom stayed to go into the final, which was the right thing to do of course, but it also meant that as the one who should have exited on scores and performance that night he got a clear passage to the final. And as soon as it was announced, the writing was on the wall for the ladies. Look at Brendan’s face to see how pleased he was...

I’m waiting for Widdecomegate. It’s going to happen. The BBC has ordained it. I’ve nothing against her participation: good on the woman! I do think she’ll resemble a Dalek dressed in a lampshade for most dances, but you have to admit it’s going to be unmissable television.

And that brings us to the question: what is Strictly? Is it a light entertainment show, Generation Game/Come Dancing hybrid? Is it a serious contest? Has all the fun been lost? Is it any wonder that the series held up as the greatest in the show’s history are four and five, respectively, when the balance between competition and fun was best exhibited?

Or is it that I, like many others up and down the country, just have a hard time believing there will ever be anyone as good as Karen and Mark again!