Strictly: Week Two and results show 09/10/11

Anita Dobson poses in her salsa costume. The things you have to do on Strictly...


Chapter the second: in which Craig didn’t get his head bashed in by Audley, Robbie underwent a transformation, Lulu recovered her memory and Nancy...didn’t.

I’m never sure how the powers that be decide who dances in what order. I like to think it’s done more or less by couples pulling out a number from a cloth bag, you know: like in the world cup. I do find it slightly suspicious that they rolled out (no pun intended) the delightful Russell Grant at the very end. If ever there was a case of keeping the ‘show-stopper’ until the end, that was surely it! And then, back in the glory days of 2006, I think I can only ever recollect Mark & Karen going first on one occasion. Luck of the draw? Or the powers that be saving the best ‘til last?

First up then was Chelsee. Lordy, Pasha is patient. I’d have flushed that mobile phone of hers down the nearest loo. It isn’t Strictly Come Texting, me’ dearie! That said, for someone who the VTs are making out has an attention span of a hamster, she did rather well – again! There is something very natural about Chelsee’s dancing, in that it definitely comes from within and isn’t forced. It’s just that her natural bubbliness makes it difficult to restrain herself. I suppose if there’s a dance to go wild and have fun in then the salsa’s the one, but even salsa’s need to look fluid and controlled to an extent. There’s a difference between fun and barking mad, and at times Chelsee definitely teetered into deranged territory! The carwash trousers probably didn’t help, although I rather liked them. I’m sure Bruce called her a little ‘swizzle stick’; although frankly she reminded me more of a wire bottle brush...

Score: 29 out of 40. A fair mark for a fair dance. Hopefully Len’s lower extremities were suitably warmed by that salsa!

Ah, the lovely Vincento! And the, er...former MP otherwise known as Edwina. Now, our Vincent’s not daft. He knows the score. If Strictly was a horse race the betting would indicate she was a 100-1 outsider, whereas in reality she would be the game old plodder who breaks its leg prior to reaching the starting line. Edwina is not going to be winning this. Not a hope in Hades. And a less suspicious person than myself might think that Vincent was actually praying for a merciful elimination by doing exactly what Len hates: that is to say ‘faffing around’ at the start: a criticism aimed squarely at Anton last week shortly after boa-gate. If a pro gives a celeb a substantial amount of time-wasting with Uncle Len’s warning still ringing in everyone’s ears, it means either that the celeb can’t cope with anything other than simple choreography or he/she is desperate for the chop.

Vincent is a competitor at the end of the day, so I’m not sure why he thought ‘hang it; let’s play footsy under the table’ for 30 seconds and pfffft to the judges’. Edwina knew it as well, when they were picked up on it. What we were left with was a lot of non-dancing, a few seconds of foxtrot in hold, and the rest was fairly unmemorable. The judges, Len apart (who did mention the faffing about as anticipated), could have been a lot more critical. Maybe it would be as well if they were knocked out. At least it’s better than having Edwina trying to flirt with you.

Score: 19 out of 40. I think the judges were being kind. Except for Alesha, who appears to have taken a bitchiness pill tonight with her remarks! Justified? Well...probably!

Maybe someone had a discreet word in Craig’s ear, or maybe the dancing was of a higher standard this week, but for some reason the panel’s most accurate-scoring judge decided to temper his criticisms with a few words of encouragement for just about everyone. As a result Audley decided not to use the two concrete blocks at the end of his wrists and Mr Revel-Horwood’s nose remains a recognisable shape on his face.

I like Audley a lot. Like a lot of big men, however, he seems to struggle with the Latin dances, at least if this salsa is anything to go by. That’s not to say that powerful, tall chaps can’t be graceful or elegant, but it is more difficult to sell the faster dances if you’re built like a sequoia. Or shake your hips like you’ve been hewn from one using a blunt axe. There were bits in it I liked and it certainly wasn’t an unmitigated disaster: he sells his dancing well enough, and that big, magical smile definitely suggested he was enjoying being out on the dance floor. Having said that, whilst his upper body was fairly jiggling away like a good thing, and at times his lower body did too (although for the most part his hips looked as if they’d been superglued), the whole thing failed to work in tandem. The ‘Bionic Man’ run in the middle section was fairly awful as well. It would be a ten for effort, but in reality I wouldn’t have given it more than a six over all.

Score: 23 out of 40. Again, about right. If he’s still there next week those impressively large feet are going to have to be less flat, or the judges will pounce. Well, metaphorically speaking. In actuality they’ll be giving their critiques whilst cowering behind the desk...

I don’t think Mr Prescott was too worried about Alex Jones’ top line when she swished her way over to the audience, sat on his lap and planted a hot pink smacker on his cheek! I should perhaps clarify this by saying that it was part of the routine. What people get up to with politicians in their spare time is entirely their business and nobody else’s! This was much, much better from the Welsh presenter. She gave a complete performance: it was actually one of the few routines of the evening that genuinely conveyed the ability to tell a story through dance. Okay, so I’m channelling Arlene a tad there, but the point still stands. If she has the confidence to sell a dance like that then perhaps the week one nerves have been vanquished, and that can only stand her in good stead. But technically it was a bit wonky. Posture went slightly awry, and the top line fell to pieces increasingly as the dance went on. That said, if they stay in then James should be able to help sort that out. Even if it means upping the electrocution sessions.

Score: 29 out of 40. A respectable week two score. She looks so much more at ease in hold than when she is on her own in the Latin, looking like a demented air traffic controller.

A word about lifts. Apparently they are now allowed in the salsa. I have a bit of a problem with this, as they can break up the flow of the dance if they’re not executed with precision. Now, Dan is a big powerful chap. Not quite as big or powerful as Audley, but he can swing a girl around quite impressively. The problem for me with Dan’s salsa was that it looked as if it was learned in sections, performed on the night in sections, joined by the odd lift here and there, and appearing laboured and bitty as a result. Nothing was smooth or fluid. The hips were, for the most part, absent without leave. And the firing squad, er, judges, were inclined to agree.

Ah, Craig. How I do love thee sometimes! ‘Lumpestuous’ was his self-coined assessment of Dan’s dancing ability as far as the salsa went. Brilliant!

Score: 21 out of 40. I was going to say that it should have been less, but given that Edwina managed 19 and her ‘effort’ was far worse I guess it’s an accurate mark.

This week the Martians returned Lulu’s memory. Now, if they could transfer some confidence and a tiny bit of ability she might get somewhere! Seriously, I think Lulu is struggling a bit. I guess some people find dancing more natural than others (said she who moves like an arthritic octopus), and whilst Brendan doesn’t appear to be anything other than supportive I can’t help but think someone like Daren Bennett, had he still been on the show, would have been a better match. Whilst Lulu stumbled about clinging on for dear life, and Brendan gamely attempted to steer her around the room, she did manage to somehow convey a certain whimsical quality. In other words, there was just about enough storytelling to keep the thing from becoming car crash material. Good on them both. After last week it would have been so easy to go to pieces, and she didn’t.

Scores: 25 out of 40. Dreadful over-marking from Bruno and Alesha, but it may just help to give Lulu some confidence. If she stays in, that is.

Holly seems to have the arm placement and the hands sorted out, and it’s only week two. Artem’s obviously schooled her prodigiously on that! I can only make the same observation this week about Holly’s salsa as I did for her cha cha cha; the routine is fab, she dances it well, and yet there’s something missing from it. I think the love of dancing isn’t quite being conveyed through her eyes and her smile. There’s no sparkle to her. I’m sure it will come, given the chance. I can’t see her going anywhere soon. In some respects she reminds me of Rachel Stevens a few years back. The talent is there, but there’s something holding her back. If you could somehow distil Chelsee’s sense of fun into Holly, and Holly’s refinement into Chelsee, you’d have a complete dancer. It’ll be interesting to see which of them makes the most improvement respectively, but at this stage I agree with Alesha. You can’t put in what’s not there, but you can polish what is. For all Holly’s skill, I am actually enjoying Chelsee’s dancing more at this moment in time.

Scores: 30 out of 40. Not bad!

Rory Bremner’s impression of Sir Sean Connery is ssshertainly sshomething, but the Scottish bravado didn’t quite transfer to the dance floor. There was some mad dancing, a little bad dancing, and a fair amount of dad dancing. Yet it was somehow impossible not to enjoy it! Well, what I saw of it through splayed fingers. I thought it was more fun than Dan’s effort, and slightly less laboured than Audley’s, but it did complete an otherwise unmemorable trio of male salsas. But wait, what’s this? Do I hear the same music used by Matt Di Angelo and Flavia a few years back?

Craig didn’t care for it, He’s probably sore that Rory’s not impersonated him yet.

Scores: 22 out of 40. Better than Dan, some way below Audley. Things could get sticky if people don’t pick up the phone.

*Blows trumpet fanfare* And, ladies and gentlemen, the award for most improved celebrity dancer goes to...Robbie Savage!

Maybe I just go for shy dudes. Robbie had a reputation on the field of play, being a somewhat competitive bloke, for being a slightly dirty player. Of living up to his name, you might say. Certainly as the show progresses and if he’s still in it at halfway that competitive spirit will serve him in good stead. At the moment he’s still finding his feet, but given last week’s critical mauling he seems to have taken the judges advice and used it. Ola too managed to come up with an entertaining routine that showed Robbie off to his best advantage, unlike the previous week’s attempt. It was a very smooth, elegant, showy routine and once again this was a case of a celeb getting a hook – or in this case an umbrella – on the character and inhabiting that persona.

A vast improvement. Only Len is going to demand the hair be chopped, you can tell. He nagged Ramps about it and compared to him Robbie is sporting locks that Barbie would be proud of!

Scores: 29 out of 40. I actually enjoyed it more than Holly’s salsa, and that’s saying something because to me the Foxtrot is the equivalent of dance tapioca. That’s not to say it’s meant to have lumps: merely that I find it unappealing.

Oh dear. Wardrobe department controversy! Anita looks as if she’s channelling Bertie Bassett. What on earth is that poor woman wearing?!? Seriously, it’s like Cruella De Ville meets the Kandyman from Dr Who!!! And as for Robin...is anyone missing their favourite Dalmatian?

Now, I love Anita. I’m not saying she can’t do Latin because I think the jury’s out on that until she does some more. I think she’ll be okay on the Paso Doble. Not so sure about the Samba or the Cha Cha Cha. She seemed to have a few timing issues during a quite fast routine to one of my favourite pieces of music, care of Mr Belafonte. I said it could look like mad Auntie Marjory after electric shock treatment and, to be honest, it’s kind of what we got. Slightly scruffy, a bit ragged, yet lots of fun. The judges saw something in it they liked; I expected them to be a lot pickier. I think Anita did as well going by the look of trepidation on her face.

Maybe they gave her a few points for having the guts to go on stage looking like she was Wurzel Gummidge’s beloved Aunt Sally.

Scores: 28 out of 40. Could’ve been worse. Next week I hope the costumiers give her something really glam to wear.

Jason Donovan. A born performer; talent honed with years spent in musical theatre. And at the end of the day if you can perform daily to thousands live you probably have a chance at being able to sell a dance to an audience of however many hundred. And he did it with some style and energy: it was absolutely wonderful. There are moments when he briefly seems to come out of the dance and lose control of his facial expressions though, which is a tad weird, especially as it gives him the appearance of looking utterly perplexed and startled. And as for Kristina’s Jessica Rabbit dress: I want it! Well, I want to hang it up in the wardrobe and look at it...I wouldn’t get one leg in it.

Scores: 33 out of 40. A worthy score.

If ever a dance could scare, it’s Anton doing the salsa. Add Nancy to the mix and you have the biggest Fright Night recipe. Apart from Nancy’s attempts to shake her tush at the start everything else went as wrong as it possibly could...I didn’t think anything would surpass Anton’s dreadful attempt at the salsa with Kate Garroway but boy, oh boy: this eclipsed it and then some! Now, it’s easy to criticise from the safety of your comfy sofa whilst the poor celebs are being humiliated for the discerning public, and I applaud each and every one of them for having the courage to get up on the dance floor, watched by millions of people each week. That said, poor Nancy isn’t helping herself. If she doesn’t display a little humility her journey’s going to be a mighty short one. Unless the sadistic barstewards keep voting her in...

Beautiful some might consider Nancy to be, but she’s not a natural dancer. In that I sympathise. But that’s sort of where my sympathy ends. Look at Russell! See how much he loves it! The smile on his face when he goes out to dance is not put on, even although he’s not the best! And somehow, rather than feeling sorry for herself, Nancy’s got to take it on the chin like a trooper. Sportsmen and women take criticism and use it to improve themselves. They don’t bleat on about poorly legs. Blimey, Bill Turnbull’s foot was almost septic and he danced on! What is poor Nancy going to be like in the unlikely event she gets to the end of the contest? I think Anton will be begging for death...

Having danced with the grace of an elephant seal shot out of a canon, missed steps, messed up their timing and generally looked like they were taking part in a mud wrestling contest, the judges were in no mood to be kind to Anton and Nancy. Alesha got her claws out once again and asked if the routine was meant to be funny, or if it just appeared that way. As you might guess it didn’t go down well with Nancy.

Scores: 14 out of 40. Bruno said it set new records for a routine having the most mistakes in it, and Anton looked like he wished he still had that feather boa to strangle Nancy with.

Smiling doesn’t seem to come naturally to Harry, which is a pity because he looks like a deeply thoughtful, if overwrought young man. I’m sure off set he’s the life and soul of the party, but the concentration he’s putting in means that you can almost see his brain whirling with each and every step. And those steps are fine, but everything seems so reserved and considered. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: get the acting coach in pronto. That was a beautiful Foxtrot, but it only made me want to put a blanket on his shoulders and give the poor waif a hug!
Not to mention one of those plastic collars that they put round cats to stop them scratching. It might help him to keep his eyes up!

Scores: 27 out of 40. Maybe a tad under marked? I bet Aliona won’t take it to heart. She doesn’t listen to the judges anyway.

Ah, the wonder that is Russell Grant! Entertainment in one larger than life parcel! You can say what you like about Russell; he’s having so much fun. Strictly is all about entertaining the public and Russell does exactly that. Whilst I’m not sure how many weeks the public can take of seeing him shake his hips around to camp Abba numbers, if he can show some genuine improvement along with him having a good time, there’s no reason why he can’t keep getting through.

And if you thought the cha cha cha was camp, take a look at the salsa on YouTube! How much fun did Flavia look like she was having?!?

Scores: 25 out of 40. Probably about right, although when you compare it to Lulu and Brendan’s effort which received the same score I feel tempted to demand a recount!

And so, in the end, it was goodbye Edwina. She didn’t want to go. Vincent looked sad too, although I bet there was a small part of him that was relieved. He said he hadn’t expected to have fun with a politician.

Better not comment!

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Vincent on It Takes Two admitted he was devastated to be out the show and thought he may have made the wrong choice of choreography from a story telling point of view. I don't care whether it was true or not: I just wanted to hug him! Bless!