I like Craig. I like Len. And, to continue on the same theme, I like James. But it didn’t stop me wanting the three of them to punch each other’s lights out on live TV.
It was an interesting evening on Saturday. Jason stomped and gurned his way through an unconvincing, slightly tentative Paso where technique and performance went up against each other in battle, with both losing at various times. The possible cause of his lacklustre turn as a matador was, according to Len, his remarkably un-taut buttocks. You remember those, don’t you? Arlene used to have her eyes set on zoom just to test for Paso pertness.
Alex had anatomical issues of a different variety, in that her hips were found to be mysteriously missing. Craig let her know in no uncertain terms that he found her rumba performance ‘sexless’, whilst James’ hair almost elevated itself like the spines of a hedgehog at the merest whiff of criticism aimed at his choreography. Too much time writhing on the floor, Len said. Not enough dance content.
Poor Alex. To be told that you’re not only dancing lacklustre choreography but dancing it stodgily does not make for a good evening. Although having received the unkind critique there was more movement in her bottom lip than there had been in her hips during the whole dance...
Rory’s bits all seemed to work but, to paraphrase Eric Morecambe, not necessarily in the right order. I love watching Rory’s face rather than the rest of him trying to cope with the un-manly delights of a cha cha cha. His expression was a contradiction of joy, happiness and pained uncertainty. The smile that was plastered on his face seemed genuine, yet at times even this master of disguise couldn’t hide the vague embarrassment in his eyes. Moments of sheer dance pleasure were all too readily swamped by realisation from Rory that he wasn’t a natural born hip-swivelling, chest-exposing Latin dude but a pasty fifty plus from Edinburgh sewn into a black sequined outfit. His have-a-go-ness is endearing, and yet frankly cringe inducing at the same time.
Audley, having worked on his posture, now no longer looks like Godzilla stuffed into a tail suit. I couldn’t go as far as to call him graceful, but he is now more ‘elegant’ than ‘elephant’. As for tripping over his feet and clumping about, there’s not much the man can do about that. He could chop his feet off, I suppose: it is Halloween next week, after all.
Credit where it’s due: Audley managed to complete a foxtrot in very convincing fashion. It impressed me because if Audley has a secret weapon then it’s his hearty personality. To do so well in the world’s most boring ballroom dance, where often glazed eyes and a frown of concentration are the order of the day, bodes well for future dances where he can inject a little more of his sense of fun. Well, if he can get those huge feet of his working as they’re meant to. Now, where did I put that hacksaw...
Nancy also has problems with her feet. And her body in general. Every time I see Anton hauling her round the floor the song ‘I got no strings’ from Pinocchio instantly springs to mind. In theory a dramatic dance like a Paso should have suited her Latin temperament. Certainly she had the look and the attitude, but when you’re performing a routine that is supposed to be high on aggression and machismo, having the strength of Ragdolly Anna is not going to sell the number to the British public. The word ‘floopy’ could have been coined with poor Nancy in mind. It’s not that she isn’t trying; it’s simply that she’s more than a little bit rubbish. But let’s look at the positives: she detracts from the fact that unless it’s a high-class ballroom number Anton is also more than a little bit rubbish. Additionally, I liked the fact that Nancy was counting the steps as she performed them (even if she still was out of time). It brought a much needed touch of Sesame Street to the Paso Doble. Tonight’s Strictly Come Dancing was brought to you by the letter ‘F’ for 'Fail' and the number ‘5’...
If I described Holly and Artem’s Viennese Waltz as ‘nice’ I think it would be damning them with faint praise. So that’s how I’m going to describe it. It was a nice, floaty, silky meringue of a dance. That is to say sweet but ultimately not very satisfying. And tonight there were not one, nor two, but three lamp posts on the dance floor! I had my hopes raised falsely that there was now an even greater chance that the pair of them would turn the wrong way and headbutt each other but alas, it was not to be. It might have enlivened an otherwise safe, if unmemorable dance, albeit one that was performed with consummate grace.
Can you ever have a quickstep that is too fast? Turbo-charged Pasha and Chelseeeeeeee sped through their routine as if their feet were at risk of catching fire! It was a number that matched serial texter Chelsee’s personality, yet finally seemed to deliver on the technical front as well. Or at least I presume so, because I was too busy trying to keep up with them as they chassed and Charlestoned their way across the floor that it was almost impossible to see what was going on! Maybe, given that Chelsee has been criticised for looking scrappy before, that was the idea. Mistakes are, after all, fine and dandy provided that nobody can see them!
Oh, come on. Who’s the judge most likely to give the first 10 of the series? I could have bet my parent’s house on it being Alesha. Little Harry McFly Judd, having stopped mid-way through the most beautiful and refined Waltz to have a little choreographical smooch on the stairs with Aliona, obviously hit the right spot with Alesha but didn’t quite do it for Len. See, what Craig, Alesha and Bruno might call ‘stair-ography’ Len would call faffing about. He just wants dancing in the way that Arlene wanted raw sex. Stair foreplay doesn’t do it for him. Note to Aliona: if you’re in next week keep away from stairs. Or unicycles. Or anything that takes up 10-15 seconds of time that you might have used in terms of actual dance content. Uncle Len is watching you...
Anita’s still dancing a bit like Mad Mick McMad. As she said herself, she’s so into the performance aspect that the technicals go flying out the window. There was hope: she started off looking a little flummoxed but got increasingly better as the routine got going, and some of the lifts were truly stupendous. I bet Robin is glad that he had a light partner to lift and not Anne Widdecombe! If Anita can just pick up on the footwork then she might make the final half of the contest. Because at the end of the day it’s someone who possesses everything at least to a reasonable level that is going to pick up that glitter ball.
I’m not meaning to sound hyper-critical of Anita: I really like her. She’s better than most and not as good as some. I think that’s a fair assessment of her at the moment. But she has been involved in my favourite Strictly moment of the season so far: the look on her face when Craig gave her an ‘8’ just about had me rolling off my chair with laughter! I have never seen anyone look so utterly shocked in my life!
If there were two parts of Robbie’s anatomy that could speak last week then you wouldn’t be able to shut up either his nose or his groin. His nose would have protested vehemently as it crashed headlong into a camera at the end of the routine, whilst his groin would probably have complained about over-use. I have never seen a jive that contained so many pelvic thrusts! Sure, like Anita the technical side to Robbie’s jive was all over the place but he has abundant energy. He also appears to be going on a ‘journey’ in this contest. And all the nice girls like to see a journey! You know: bolshy sportsman on the field of play, shy little butterfly off it who comes out of his cocoon and spreads his wings...
Oh, hang on. Done that one already.
The image of Russell Grant clutching his teddy (not a euphemism, I assure you) at the end of the tango will live with me for many years. In fact I want a still of it blown up and stuck on my wall. I can’t fault Russell. I mean, other than the footwork and the technique...
Bless the man, he tries. He’s taking it seriously. And there isn’t an inch of him that he doesn’t throw into the routine. I just love his partnership with Flavia. Whilst it goes against my conscience to want the less able dancers to stay in I just can’t help myself because each week Russell puts the biggest smile on my face. Please Britain: keep them in a few more weeks. I can name at least three or four couples I would sooner leave before team Ravia!
*****
And so it was left for poor Rory to give the impression of a man who was sad to leave the show, and one who possibly left a few weeks before he ought. True, he went out doing a dance that perhaps didn’t show him at his best so from that point of view there couldn’t have been many complaints. Yet he brought a lot of fun to Strictly, and so it would be fair to say he will be missed.
Nancy and Anton once more shared the bottom spot. One more week of picking off those left high and dry in the vulnerable spot of the board (three or four from the bottom) and people will start to call her the silent assassin. A bit like Rosa Klebb in ‘From Russia with Love’.
Well, she does seem to like hanging on to Anton’s body using only her legs...
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