Strictly: Week One-ish

I say week one-ish because I'm writing this on the eve of the first knock-out, before the couples tackle their second dances. This is a retrospective look back at everyone's first attempts: the good, the bad and the completely 'spatulistic', to quote a certain double-barrelled judge on the panel. So, here we are again. Fourteen celebs and fourteen pro-dancers. Tonight, one couple goes home.

Actually, most likely Anton and Nancy will go home.

I’m not in the habit of trying to predict who gets the boot each week: I have had some success in coming up with the winner just by watching them walk down the stairs for the first time (80% strike rate: check me out!) but it does seem a tad cruel to guess who the public have taken an instant dislike to. And let’s face it: an awful lot of Strictly is about whom the public like/detest/want to do unspeakable things to in a dark Argentinean alleyway. Sure, it’s primarily about dancing but you could be as twinkle-toed as Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers; if you have the popular appeal of Genghis Khan and Margaret Thatcher you ain’t going to be making the final...

Now, it could be after last week that folks at home feel sorry for self-styled Italian siren Nancy thingy whose name begins with ‘D’, a woman who is best known for once being the other half of a former England footie manager. Having being viciously attacked by a mint-green feather boa repeatedly throughout her dance Nancy looked as if she needed a little sit down on a chaise lounge for, say, thirty five seconds.

Oh, wait. That happened at the start of the routine, didn’t it?

And of course, there’s Lulu. A divisive figure at best. Probably the best known of the ‘celebs’ on show this year, Lulu has a habit of making people want to shout, as her song title suggested. And then scream, and throw things at the telly. She doesn’t offend me personally, and she did keep on performing after the invisible alien mind-wipe that occurred at the start of her cha cha cha with Brendan. Thing is, after the Martians stole her memory we were left with Mr Bean trying to waggle his hips drunkenly at a wedding...

I don’t know who I feel sorrier for: Brendan or Lulu. But of course the British public like doing weird things, such as keeping in people who have as much rhythmic timing as Jake the Peg. It’s the modern equivalent of going to a Victorian Circus. ‘Celebrity Freak Pointing!’ Roll up; roll up and see the uncoordinated, two left-footed rabbit in headlights and her amazingly hairy chested partner! So, with all this in mind there is a very real chance that someone else might go tonight.

Not much chance of it being Jason Donovan; a serious, hard working man whose smile and eyebrows appear to work in tandem. It was an impressive start from the former Neighbours star. He at least knows where his hips are, and how to use them, even if he does at times resemble the lovechild of a startled bushbaby and Stan Laurel. No wonder Christina was pleased! She just about got more points in that first dance with Jason than she did in her previous efforts with John Sergeant and current squeeze Joe Calzaghe put together...

I predicted Jason would win, by the way. If it was down to people I really like rather than going solely for dancing I would be cheering Anita Dobson on (a brilliant actress married to a brilliant musician), but no; this year I think Christina may finally get to show what she can do, without resorting to dragging her partner across the floor like a sack of King Edward potatoes.

Poor ickle Vinthent. Edwina gave it a go last week in the cha cha cha, but her dance didn’t ‘curry’ favour with the judges. I love Vincent, but in order to stop Brucie from inflicting us with hot and spicy jokes it might be a blessed relief if Edwina went first. Politicians have to be funny or amusingly bad at dancing to merit the public voting for them, and as Edwina is neither (she just appears to be a game old bird dancing as if she had been caught with her pants on her head in the old folks home) it’s probably not going to be enough. The Tories are watching the pennies at the moment and I can’t see any of them redialling Edwina’s number.

And then there’s Russell Grant, god love him: a man who infused his cha cha cha with Danny La Rue whilst channelling Little Bow Peep! Russell’s not afraid of a sequin or two. But don’t think that because he’s this year’s comedy act elect that he can’t bust some moves: he has already displayed theatricality alien to John Sergeant, and some timing to boot. I can see Russell going on for as long as his Aquarian exhibitionist side appeals to the public.

And the others? Well, there’s the obligatory sportsmen. Audley ‘gentle giant’ Harrison, who danced in the way you would imagine a gentle giant might: at turns elegant and sophisticated yet somehow looking like Shrek wearing Doc Martins. There’s Robbie ‘the hooded man’ Savage, dressed for his cha cha cha in a costume you’d expect to see on someone throwing a brick through a department store window whilst going for ‘a night out on the rob’. Poor man: he stomped and menaced his way through the dance whilst Ola wiggled around to cover up the fact that she hadn’t really given him very much to do. It didn’t work: the judges got wise to that ploy years ago.

Dan Lobb is supposed to be this year’s eye candy. I expected him to be awful: and actually he wasn’t. But there is something fundamentally uncomfortable about watching a female dancer risking serious spinal injury and potential neck dislocation just in order to make eye contact with her partner, and the difference in height between he and Katya makes me think that she’s going to get very well acquainted with the TV frontman’s navel this year. Okay, slight exaggeration. But look at it this way: GMTV presenters have turned out to be uniformly rubbish on Strictly. History has set an unfortunate precedent which hopefully Mr Lobb will be able to cast aside.

Well, at least until he’s booted off halfway in the show.

Holly started well, if nervously. As did young Harry Judd of McFly fame. I’m not sure how young Harry is, but when he was first paired with Aliona he appeared so frightened at the prospect of dancing he looked as if he were about to put his hand up to ask Bruce if he could be excused to go to the toilet! Either way, at least his mum allowed him out for the evening to perform a slightly vapid cha cha cha. By that I mean it was technically well executed but there seemed to be a vital spark missing from it, and I can see the acting coach on standby to help him ‘do a Matt Dawson’. Which I guess means he’ll come second.

Of course, we should also make mention of the fact that Harry is a total Ramps fan-boy. This is a good thing for the show, as it means we have a small chance of seeing Mr Ramprakash in the audience at some point. Sod the dancing. We have to wait over one hundred and fifty days to the start of the 2012 cricket season, and we want something to keep us going. Five second close ups in the audience may not go a long way but they’ll do!

Anita is lovely. I’m sure a lot of people on the forums are enjoying her brilliant partnership with ‘Bobby’ aka Robin. Certainly her waltz looked extremely good for a first performance, and if she was nervous she didn’t show it. If she manages to be reasonable at the Latin dances and doesn’t resemble everybody’s mad Auntie Marjory after electric shock treatment, then I can see Anita making it to the latter stages of the show.

I’m one of the people who like James Jordan. A lot of people seem to either love or hate him. He did brilliantly with Pamela, was unfortunate not to progress in the competition with both Zoe and Gabby, and tried his best with slightly un-coordinated Georgina. New partner Alex seems like a nice girl, but nice girls don’t win Strictly. They have to show an abundance of personality, like Alesha and Kara, or be outstanding technically, like Jill. Or have the public feel sorry for them because their partner sometimes comes across as a bit of a big-head (not mentioning names). Alex has to work on both her dancing and her personality or else she is doomed to make it to the midway stage before people remember she’s there, and then kick her out.

Rory Bremner’s a nice guy as well. But at least he looks as if show-biz comes a little more naturally to him. He performed a more than adequate waltz last week but I could almost hear the ghost of Arlene wailing through the BBC TV centre, bemoaning his sticking-out bottom, and wanting to smack it back into place! With so many characters to draw upon Rory should at least be able to tell a story with his dancing. Let’s hope it’s not the story of how Spoony got kicked off early in series 4.

Oh yes, there’s the other one. It’s like that scene in the Sound of Music where Maria can’t remember Kurt’s name. The one that’s trying to get the attention whilst not being as popular as the good looking, older sibling. Chelseeeeeeeeeeeeee! That’s it! Surprisingly enough, Chelsee wasn’t actually that bad. The dance did get a bit mad at the end. The hair was, sweetie-darling, like something out of Ab-Fab. I worried it was going to fly off and land on new boy Pasha’s head.

Still, a promising start. Waterloo Road fans may vote for her: fans of Pasha may vote for him. People averse to large, heaving bosoms may be glad that Strictly isn’t available in 3D...

So, that was last week. This week the scores get added to what has gone before, and then it’s over to the public. No dance-off. Just phone power, and the magic of the redial button.

And so, may the most obsessive fans win!