The Only Way is Surrey

Essex.

As in ‘The Only Way is...’

As in prefix to ‘girls’ (and assorted connotations that go with it, unfair or otherwise).

As in ‘David’, whose singing voice my dad apparently detests.

As in ‘Ardleigh’, where some of my ancestors came from.

As in the small Czech stallion who ran in one of the mid 1980s Grand Nationals.

As in the cricket team whose fans are most likely to bring on a migraine.

Now, no disrespect is intended here to either Essex players or indeed their vociferous and joyous supporters. It’s just that they do tend to be rather loud when they are doing well against Surrey (and let’s face it; that happens rather a lot).

Imagine my relief when in the T20 game a few days ago at the Oval, the Lions surprisingly gave the Eagles a mauling! All was blissfully quiet, my ears got a rest, and Nasser and his other Sky cronies who obviously detest Surrey to varying degrees were forced to do a bit of a U-turn! Certainly the start of the game didn’t go very well for Surrey: Captain Rory this time decided to have a bat first and then both he and Davies took their evening stroll back to the pavilion in super-quick time! I guess having a turbo opening pair has its advantages and disadvantages, because if we could only get the two of them to stick around a bit longer I could see a series of large, virtually unchase-able scores being posted. Ah, well. Such is cricket!

Ansari impressed on his first team debut, both with the ball and a cool, level headed turn with the bat. It was enough to get him named ‘man of the match’, which made a few of the Rampants laugh given how young and angelic he looked. He may be taking exams at Cambridge at the moment but, as was noted by one of our merry band, he could have been mistaken for one of the boy mascots!

A score of 154-7 didn’t seem that impressive. Certainly it was defendable but you felt that given the superstars which pepper the Essex line-up (who wouldn’t want ten Doeschate on their team, let’s face it) they would readily chase it down. The highest scorer for Surrey was Maynard with 45, and it seemed that one really good partnership between Essex batsmen would soon have the game swinging their way.

And then, lo! A miracle! Arafat, criticised in many quarters for not finding any form in the first half of the season, plucked three wickets out the air including the first ball dismissal of Owais Shah! Napier and Southee also went on to make ducks, with the latter being involved in possibly the most hideous run out imaginable (watch out for it on A Question of Sport next year), and Napier using Bopara as a runner because of an injury he picked up in the match. The idea of having Bopara as a runner is almost as laughable as asking Shah to do the footwork on your behalf. The pair of them are run out kings!

Getting ten Doeschate was really the turning point. He’s one of those players who hook in like a giant tic, and refuse to let go until fully sated. And by then it’s usually too late to do anything about it. Every team should have a ten Doeschate, a Trescothick or a Ramprakash. Or even a Murray Goodwin (can’t believe I said that). When Tendo went for 15 the warning lights were flashing in the Essex control panel. And when Foster controversially went (well, when he could drag himself off the pitch after screaming at the umps) for 31 it was pretty much a mop-up job for Surrey. In the end the South London team, who had fielded like divas during the game, won by a whopping 43 runs!

Bet three years ago you’d never have used the words ‘Surrey’ and ‘fielding like divas’ in the same breath! It shows how far they have come. It was only Surrey’s second ever T20 win over Essex, and I can imagine how delighted they were to get one over their rivals after all the years of pain and misery at their hands.

What a pity then that Friday evening’s match against Somerset was rained off! Poor Churchy, Johnny Barran and the Surrey team made the fruitless journey to Taunton with no play possible. Whilst the dynamic duo of Church and Barran filled the time valiantly, if ultimately in vain, they may take some consolation in that there was hardly a single game that could be played up and down the country due to the rain. Surrey may not be that disappointed to take one point from the encounter: Somerset are a good team with Trescothick in the form of his life. There was a very real chance the sabres, as they used to be known, may well have kebabbed Surrey had the game gone ahead...

But the best thing this week from a Rampant point of view was hearing that Mr R had asked his old team, Stanmore, for a game to help keep him ticking over during the T20 gap. One can only assume that rivals Hampstead must have taken one look at the rival team sheet and sent out for every lucky rabbit’s foot or horse shoe in the county!

It didn’t do any good. 61 no made for a lot of smiley Rampants!

Special mention of the week: Mark Church’s trousers. I don’t normally request pictures of a gentleman’s trousers on Twitter. It strikes me that some people might consider that eccentric at best and downright perverted at worse! However, having seen the much-maligned, oft-talked of garment, I can only say I’ve seen worse. Trust me, I went to art college.

If Smudger’s reading this I can only hope he’s bought some new ones, as that was 15 years ago now, and he only owned the one pair...