And now for something completely different...

I’m in the mood for a bit of nostalgia. Dad going in for his hip replacement operation today has made me reflect upon the rapid passage of time. I swear I was at high school last year. It seems like it to me, and yet I am mortified to discover that it’s approaching nineteen years since I left! I want my life back!!!

If you look at opening ceremonies for things like cricket, football and I guess the ultimate show in the world, the Olympic games, you begin to realise just how slick and glitzy and gosh darned expensive everything is. And although it looks great you find yourself looking back on it and thinking, what was the point of all that? Why not just start the games/tournament/competition and save yourself a shed load of cash? I know the last cricket world cup thingy in England was a bit of a damp squib – literally – as Alesha Dixon stood in the wings waiting to perform on a waterlogged stage, but do we really need vocalists heralding the beginning of a contest that basically has, to coin a phrase, bog all to do with singing? Unless of course we have plans for Graham Swann and Mark Butcher to enter Eurovision next year...

This is why I find myself remembering with great fondness my participation in the opening ceremony of the 1986 Commonwealth games. It looked naff then, and time has not really helped it in this respect. No pyrotechnics. No fancy gizmos. Just 5000 kids in multi coloured tracksuits, David Coleman, 3 guys in a Nessie outfit and a whole lot of doves making a giant mess of the track. My sister was in the dancing troupe and had the ignominy of wearing a yellow and turquoise baby grow.

But for all that, naff isn’t necessarily bad. For today’s young generation of twentysomethings it probably looks diabolical, but at the end of the day you can’t put a price on the happy memories of childhood. The fact that I can actually tell you which little blue blob I was on the screen indicates what a great time it was. I still have my Commonwealth Games tracksuit and trainers stored away in a bag in the attic, and although the experience didn’t provide me with any useful life skills I can honestly say that I march, wave my arms and star jump with the best of them.

You see, I belong to the generation that grew up in the seventies and eighties. ‘Jamie and the Magic Torch', ‘Chorlton and the Wheelies’, ‘The Clangers’ and 'Bod' were the mainstays of our televisual viewing. When I got older I borrowed my sister’s cerise ‘Fame' style leggings, I had Duran Duran posters on my bedroom wall and we got our thrills from ‘Jossy’s Giants’ and watching Philip Schofield and Gordon the Gopher larking around in the broom cupboard. I cheered Stefan Edberg on each year at Wimbledon whilst wondering why footballer’s hair had got bigger but their shorts had become, er... shorter!

This is partly why I enjoy seeing the elder statesmen of cricket hanging around the game: your fortysomethings like Udal, Ramps and Croft, your thirtysomethings like Jon Batty. It reassures me that for as long as they are around, I’m not alone after all!

Here Comes The Rain Again...

Day Four: Glamorgan v Surrey, Swalec

Firstly, I have to say a big thank you to Ceci for the artwork. Inspired by talk of a 'Superhero eleven' during the Glamorgan match we thought Chris Schofield's elastic arms made him a natural for the part of 'Inspector Gadget' (pictured above). He's even got his own DVD!

Well, there isn’t really much to say in terms of reporting today’s play, basically because there wasn’t any. As anticipated by meteorologists the heavens opened and the match ended up going full circle. Day one started with rain eating into the overs like a hungry termite, and day four ended with the umpires abandoning the match at midday. Having survived the early start to the championship with hardly a game lost to Britain’s capricious weather, virtually every one of the latest round of county matches has ended in a draw.

It must be terribly frustrating for all teams, but I guess that’s cricket! I suppose what we did have in terms of play was very good: just a pity it was somewhat curtailed, book ended by unplayable weather. Of course, what Rory Hamilton-Brown should have done coming on the back of his declaration yesterday was to take the Glamorgan captain to the banks of the river Taff and challenge him to a game of Pooh sticks, with the winning team taking all the points in the game. Or a contest to see who could hit the biggest six. Cosgrove and Ramps can bat from hell to Hackney so that might have been an exciting competition.

Talking of swinging the bat, the T20 is almost upon us again. It’s the time of year when the purists start bleating about it being not proper cricket and how T20 is a scourge of plague like proportions, slowly extending its poisonous reach all around the globe. There may be some truth in that. But, radioactive-slime green shirts apart, I’m rather looking forward to Surrey taking on all comers in the contest because I have an inkling they might go quite well in it. I have to confess that I prefer the four day format, but there’s nothing like a bit of insubstantial froth to make you appreciate the longer game all the more. And if Surrey can get a bit of momentum going in the T20 there’s no reason why that confidence cannot transfer back to the championship games.

Firstly though, there is the Leicestershire game at the Oval. I’m looking forward to that one muchly! If we could win there we’d hop over Leicestershire and get off the bottom of the table for a start! Additionally there is a small group of Rampants attending the match. The main RAGM isn’t due until September but I have no doubts that the miscreants, er, sensible ladies will be on their best behaviour!

Of course, there will be no photos taken of Sanneh star-jumping in the Wedlake Bell family stand during the lunch interval. No way, Pedro. Absolutely not.

Then again...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Day Three, Glamorgan v Surrey, Swalec

The Good:

Mark Ramprakash passed the 34,000 run mark. When I say that, I don’t mean he got 34,000 runs today. He’s good, but unless he changes his name to Clark Kent it’s probably beyond even his superhuman powers. All the same 34,000 runs is something to be proud of, because when you think of it that’s an awful lot of shoe leather. The wonderfully named Cyril Washbrook is immediately ahead of him on the list with 34101 runs, so we’re keeping our collective Rampant fingers crossed he soon overtakes him.

Steven Davies making 83 was also pretty darned good, as was a comfy looking 73 from Ramps.

The still Good:

Chris Tremlett thundering in to claim two very early wickets this morning and finish off the Glamorgan innings with them adding something in the region of only 8 more runs. I acknowledge that if you are reading this as a Glamorgan fan you are probably less likely to see this as ‘good’. But then again, you are also probably thinking ‘I don’t care, we have a lead of 76 going in to tomorrow,’ so it evens things up a touch.

The Fairly Good:

The unexpected declaration by Surrey’s very own Captain Marvel, Rory Hamilton Brown. It was a good idea, probably based on the fact that Glamorgan might have expected an overnight declaration, that there was little point in keeping batting with the last wicket partnership on the field and with no more batting points realistically attainable, and with a chance of dismissing Cosgrove for very little. Unfortunately it gets downgraded to ‘fairly’ good because Cosgrove was still there at the end of play, as was Rees.

The Not Exactly Bad, but Not Good:

Usman Afzaal falling one short of a rather good fifty. My fault, Usman. Just as Churchy said you were one short I heard a little voice in my head say that you weren’t going to get it, and lo and behold two seconds later you were gone for 49! Must try to restrain spooky witchy stuff in future.

Yonus Khan getting his first bat for Surrey was definitely good. Falling fifth ball without scoring: unfortunate.

The Bad:

I was studying a particularly unfortunate branch of my family tree today. Five children wiped out by Scarlatina. Three of those children, including a set of twins, all died within a space of two weeks. It put me in mind of the tail end of the Surrey batting line-up as within 10 overs Afzaal, Batty, Meaker and Dernbach all perished for not very many at all.

Again, from a Surrey point of view, Harris ripping through the top order after tea was extremely unhelpful. He got rid of Davies, then Ramps with a beautiful ball (which doesn’t endear him to us because we don’t take kindly to people dismissing the King of Kennington), and then both Younus and the young pretender RHB for quackers! Obviously, if you are Harris or one of the Glamorgan team you probably are feeling a little bit better about it than the Rampants do.

The Ugly:

My mood when the aforementioned Harris got rid of Ramps just when I was settling in to listen to the commentary! You couldn’t have even waited 5 minutes, could you James???

The bigger they are, the harder they hit!

Day Two: Glamorgan v Surrey at Swalec

Odd sort of day this. It feels like day one, but of course it is day two.

One moment it looked like Glamorgan were on top. Then it swung towards Surrey. And then with the last session it went back Glamorgan’s way. From a Surrey perspective, annoying little partnerships kept sprouting up like unsightly fungus between toes. Every time you thought you’d got rid of the problem it reappeared.

Perhaps the biggest – no pun intended – threat to Surrey was Mark Cosgrove. Cosgrove’s love of the good life has already been documented, and it would be fair to say that as cricketers go these days he is a little on the large side. But am I the only one who finds this a pleasant throwback to days spent batting on the village green, scoffing down cold pies and drinking warm beer at lunch? I know cricket’s stuffed full of super fit humans who can lift up a horse box with one hand whilst doing 200 miles on an exercise bike, but c’mon! To tell someone that they are too portly to play for their national side when they have as much talent as the skinny blokes on the team is a bit naughty. Cosgrove can still move; he isn’t Mr Creosote!

And indeed, he proved as much again today by rapidly accumulating 82 runs from 107 balls, with the usual mixture of fine shots and serial killer-crazed bludgeoning, whilst fellow opener Rees went about his business in a slightly more refined manner. That both openers went whilst in the 80s was more to do with the quality bowling served up by the Surrey side rather than any horrific errors. Or bribes of a “wafer thin” after dinner mint...

Only kidding!

Meaker looks fast and frisky these days, especially now that the Sat Nav appears to be taking him in the right direction rather than telling him to take a right turn into a lake. Three wickets fell to the young man, whilst Dernbach, fresh from his incredible efforts alongside Andre Nel, dusted off the superhero costume once again and had claimed four wickets by the end of play. Looking at the relatively low scores of the day, Dalrymple for 11, Wright for 23, Maynard for 3 and Allenby for 15 you would think that Surrey would be feeling pretty good about things right now. But then look at the flip side: 58 for Wallace and 49 for Harris, and then add it in to the scores by Cosgrove and Rees, and you’re past the foot fungus stage and looking at gangrene!

I must say here that Linley also bowled very well for no reward. I think he must have run over the umpire’s dog yesterday.

All in all, a very good display of disciplined bowling and some very entertaining batting. But the highlight of the day for me was when Churchy said this about Mark Cosgrove:

“The proof’s in the pudding.”

Pigeon Point

Day One Glamorgan v Surrey, Swalec

Well, in a nutshell, it rained. A lot.

It must be very frustrating for all the cricketers, stuck inside, waiting for the precipitation to cease. What do they do? Do they sit and read papers, listen to the rain coming down at Lords via TMS? Do they go to the gym? Do they eat Welsh cakes and drink tea? Or are there marathon sessions of ‘Connect 4’ and ‘Mousetrap?’

And then of course when the rain stops you have to wait for the conditions to improve enough for the pitch to be playable. You don’t want to be running around in the field and suddenly find yourself doing the splits. I speak from experience. The last time I was in Regents Park with the Rampants I attempted the splits (don’t ask) and managed to do myself a mischief when my trainers slipped on the grass. At the risk of smutty remarks I didn’t think my legs could do scissors these days...

I was surprised we got a single over in today, but in the late afternoon both teams took to the field, with Surrey winning the toss and sticking Glamorgan in. Cosgrove survived a couple of reasonable shouts for LBW (I do love the imagery created by Mark Church via the internet commentary of Tim Linley looking ballerina-like as he appealed for the wicket). Then after scoring a total of 19 runs for no loss the heavens opened once more and everyone departed hastily off the field of play.

The forecast looks a little more optimistic for tomorrow and the day after, although I believe Tuesday is not quite as hopeful. This amount of time lost suggests another draw unless a spectacular amount of wickets fall. Nearly every match in the championship lost a sizeable amount of overs to the weather today. It will be interesting to see how this will affect the results.

Of course, weather conditions play such a large part in cricket, to the extent that non-cricket followers don’t understand why players come off after a bit of rain falls. You get the inevitable “why don’t they have grounds with a roof”? It’d have to be one heck of a roof for the Oval, I tell you! And could you imagine the ground staff having to clean the glass? You could have an extra player in the squad, dangle them from the ceiling in a harness to try and take the aerial catches! And what position would they call it?

Probably, given the amount of bird life at the Oval, it would have to be ‘Pigeon Point’.

What's in a name...part five

Oh dear. Andre Nel has been told to pull his socks up by the high heid yins in the Surrey ranks and will miss a further two games, along with an obligatory token financial deduction. It’s a tricky one, this, as Surrey have to be seen to be doing something about discouraging misconduct amongst the players (especially seeing Nel has already been in hot water this season), yet his absence may actually end up hurting the team. It’s a no-win situation. I suppose this was done to fend off any more serious action from the ECB, but even so it leaves a rather bitter taste in the mouth. Punishing someone when they have arguably played their best game for the team leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable. Just as well it’s not me making the decisions! I’d be a right push-over!

If it’s any consolation to Andre, and I’m sure it’s not, we still love him. Heck, he could pull the arms and legs off old ladies or steal crisps from primary school kids and we’d still love him. That’s why it hurts to have to find a rather unfortunate anagram for him (she said, running for cover)!

Talking of which, here is the next batch of victims!

DANIEL HOUSEGO: One Loud Geisha
CHRIS RUSSELL: Shrill Curses
ASHLEY GILES: Shy Gal Elsie
CHRIS GAYLE: Grisly Ache
DEREK PRINGLE: Pink Ledger
ANDRE NEL: Lean Nerd
GARETH REES: Three Gears
IAIN SUTCLIFFE: Fun Facilities
JAMES ANDERSON: Jean’s Mad Snore
LAURIE EVANS: Leaves A Ruin
MARCUS TRESCOTHICK: Sours Cricket Match
NEIL CARTER: Errant Lice
PAUL DIXEY: A Pixy Duel
RUBEL HOSSAIN: Abolishes Run
SEAN ERVINE: Inane Verse
STUART MEAKER: Astute Remark

Still celebrating!

Okay...I’ve calmed down now.

But yippee! A win in the CC! Something that hasn’t happened to Surrey since, well, last year against the very same team! Cue little dancing Ewoks playing celebratory jungle drums! Does this mean we can only win against Northants? Or, as we are all hoping and praying, will it lead to a renewed energy and confidence to take into the Glamorgan game? It will be a tough act considering that Glamorgan are at the top of Division 2, but the fact that Surrey are only a few points behind Leicestershire now, although still at the bottom, suggests that any team on a good day is capable of beating any of the others.

It really is going to come down to those little ‘moments’. The catches taken and those dropped. The boundaries successfully cut off, and decisions going your way. Surrey’s fielding, so often castigated in the past, has improved so much since the beginning of the season. It’s going to have to be tip-top at Cardiff on Saturday.

Other than the win though, which was the major achievement of the Northants game, there were some good individual performances. Nel and Dernbach’s batting extravaganza was mentioned yesterday, but this morning they both managed to inflict a lot of damage with the ball as well. Linley claimed the early scalp of Boje, and Sales (who had sadly been off the field of play with a rather nasty sounding migraine for much of the game) was run out shortly after for a duck. Hall managed 32 before Nel removed him, and he also got rid of Middlebrook for 5. Vaas hung around for a little while, putting on 17 before falling to Dernbach, and yesterday’s hero also accounted for Dagget, who made 2 runs. It left Willey not out on 18 and Northants with a total of 241 for Surrey to chase in two sessions.

The target looked fairly doable, and so it proved. Davies opened with Harinath and hit a quickfire 25 until caught by Willey. Ramps steadied the Surrey ship in his own inimitable style, quietly accumulating runs whilst Harinath made a solid 48 before being dismissed. RHB, playing in his usual positive and aggressive fashion, lived dangerously at various stages in the innings, finally removed for 45 coming down the track to smash the ball and then being stumped by O’Brien. Afzaal however played a much more studious and sedate innings and contrived with Mark Ramprakash to see the game to its conclusion – and a Surrey victory.

The South London team finally claimed a well deserved 7 wicket win over Northants, with Afzaal 33 not out and Ramps 79 not out. It’s a rich seam of form that Mr R has hit in the last few games. A double ton and a single hundred in the Middlesex game, plus a 70 and 79 not out in the Northants game. He currently sits third in the combined division batting figures with a very healthy average into the 70s, better than both the batsman ahead of him in terms of runs. I imagine the briefing of Saturday’s Glamorgan team will have ‘get Ramps early’ at the top of their agenda, followed by ‘don’t drop him, for god’s sake’ as bullet point number two. Of course, this brings my old favourite Mr Cosgrove back into the frame come Saturday. It’s the battle of the two Marks: and both are right bang in form. Who is going to come out on top?

I’m guessing the Surrey song was echoing throughout the dressing room at Wantage Road this evening. I hope they kept the lyrics clean, or poor Younis Khan, newly arrived from Pakistan, will be wondering exactly what he’s landed himself in! Yes, that’s right: the invisible batsman is no longer invisible.

Hopefully he’ll be given the chance to sing along with the team on many occasions to come!