Poetry Corner: Cricket Star

An oldie...but a goody(a bit like Ramps) from back in the days when Butch was still skipper at Surrey and Jon Batty was our wicket keeper. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...


Cricket Star

I'm through with lookin' wishfully at clubs I'll never get in
We’re at the bottom of the league and we’re never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want to play for a club that pays me plenty
Want to milk the cash-cow that is Twenty/Twenty
Endorse hair products
And get samples all for free
(Yeah, so what you need?)

I need a great big bat like a railway sleeper
Wanna have more groupies than the wicket keeper
Gonna score over three thousand runs
And be the best you can see
(Been there, done that)

I want a new Mercedes that glows in the dark
My own space in the Oval car park
Somewhere between Butch
And Chris Adams is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For a job with Sky
I'd even cut my hair
And get a smart new tie

'Cause we all just wanna be cricket stars
And smash big sixes through spectators cars
Wanna help our team to be the county champs
Wanna bowl like Flintoff, wanna bat like Ramps.

And we'll hang out in the hundred hundreds bar
See my name in writing up amongst the stars
All the greatest players gonna wind up there
Every wicket keeper with his bleach blond hair

And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a cricket star
Hey, hey, I wanna be a cricket star

I wanna strut my stuff on a pitch like Lords
Pick up all the end of season awards
Sign a couple autographs
And pretend my name’s K.P
(They’ll never know, ha, ha)

I'm gonna dress up in the smartest cable-knit
And hire a chauffeur to transport my kit
Gonna bribe Charles Colville
To carry my gear for me
(Oh, he’s gonna love it!)

I'm gonna trade this life
For a job on Sky
I'd even cut my hair
And get a smart new tie

'Cause we all just wanna be cricket stars
And smash big sixes through spectators cars
Wanna help our team to be the county champs
Wanna bowl like Flintoff, wanna bat like Ramps.

And we'll hang out in the hundred hundreds bar
When there’s no-one looking smoke the odd cigar
The jewellery’s bling and the accent’s fake
Gonna get drunk and make a huge beer snake

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
And get Mark Butcher to provide the tunes
If it rains we’ll play poker for a good long while
Everybody's got Shane Warne on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a cricket star

I'm gonna spend free time drinking and romancing
Gonna get myself on Strictly Come Dancing
Spend all the evening picking up my gongs
Practice my speeches so I don't get 'em wrong

'Cause we all just wanna be cricket stars
And smash big sixes through spectators cars
Wanna help our team to be the county champs
Wanna bowl like Flintoff, wanna bat like Ramps.

And we'll hang out in the swishiest gym
Everyone works hard so they can stay slim
Have a protein 'shake, force it down my throat
It looks disgusting and it smells of goat.

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
And get Mark Butcher to provide the tunes
If it rains we’ll play poker for a good long while
Everybody's got Shane Warne on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a cricket star
Hey, hey, I wanna be a cricket star