Strictly: Week Four and results show 23/10/11

I like Craig. I like Len. And, to continue on the same theme, I like James. But it didn’t stop me wanting the three of them to punch each other’s lights out on live TV.

It was an interesting evening on Saturday. Jason stomped and gurned his way through an unconvincing, slightly tentative Paso where technique and performance went up against each other in battle, with both losing at various times. The possible cause of his lacklustre turn as a matador was, according to Len, his remarkably un-taut buttocks. You remember those, don’t you? Arlene used to have her eyes set on zoom just to test for Paso pertness.

Alex had anatomical issues of a different variety, in that her hips were found to be mysteriously missing. Craig let her know in no uncertain terms that he found her rumba performance ‘sexless’, whilst James’ hair almost elevated itself like the spines of a hedgehog at the merest whiff of criticism aimed at his choreography. Too much time writhing on the floor, Len said. Not enough dance content.

Poor Alex. To be told that you’re not only dancing lacklustre choreography but dancing it stodgily does not make for a good evening. Although having received the unkind critique there was more movement in her bottom lip than there had been in her hips during the whole dance...

Rory’s bits all seemed to work but, to paraphrase Eric Morecambe, not necessarily in the right order. I love watching Rory’s face rather than the rest of him trying to cope with the un-manly delights of a cha cha cha. His expression was a contradiction of joy, happiness and pained uncertainty. The smile that was plastered on his face seemed genuine, yet at times even this master of disguise couldn’t hide the vague embarrassment in his eyes. Moments of sheer dance pleasure were all too readily swamped by realisation from Rory that he wasn’t a natural born hip-swivelling, chest-exposing Latin dude but a pasty fifty plus from Edinburgh sewn into a black sequined outfit. His have-a-go-ness is endearing, and yet frankly cringe inducing at the same time.

Audley, having worked on his posture, now no longer looks like Godzilla stuffed into a tail suit. I couldn’t go as far as to call him graceful, but he is now more ‘elegant’ than ‘elephant’. As for tripping over his feet and clumping about, there’s not much the man can do about that. He could chop his feet off, I suppose: it is Halloween next week, after all.

Credit where it’s due: Audley managed to complete a foxtrot in very convincing fashion. It impressed me because if Audley has a secret weapon then it’s his hearty personality. To do so well in the world’s most boring ballroom dance, where often glazed eyes and a frown of concentration are the order of the day, bodes well for future dances where he can inject a little more of his sense of fun. Well, if he can get those huge feet of his working as they’re meant to. Now, where did I put that hacksaw...

Nancy also has problems with her feet. And her body in general. Every time I see Anton hauling her round the floor the song ‘I got no strings’ from Pinocchio instantly springs to mind. In theory a dramatic dance like a Paso should have suited her Latin temperament. Certainly she had the look and the attitude, but when you’re performing a routine that is supposed to be high on aggression and machismo, having the strength of Ragdolly Anna is not going to sell the number to the British public. The word ‘floopy’ could have been coined with poor Nancy in mind. It’s not that she isn’t trying; it’s simply that she’s more than a little bit rubbish. But let’s look at the positives: she detracts from the fact that unless it’s a high-class ballroom number Anton is also more than a little bit rubbish. Additionally, I liked the fact that Nancy was counting the steps as she performed them (even if she still was out of time). It brought a much needed touch of Sesame Street to the Paso Doble. Tonight’s Strictly Come Dancing was brought to you by the letter ‘F’ for 'Fail' and the number ‘5’...

If I described Holly and Artem’s Viennese Waltz as ‘nice’ I think it would be damning them with faint praise. So that’s how I’m going to describe it. It was a nice, floaty, silky meringue of a dance. That is to say sweet but ultimately not very satisfying. And tonight there were not one, nor two, but three lamp posts on the dance floor! I had my hopes raised falsely that there was now an even greater chance that the pair of them would turn the wrong way and headbutt each other but alas, it was not to be. It might have enlivened an otherwise safe, if unmemorable dance, albeit one that was performed with consummate grace.

Can you ever have a quickstep that is too fast? Turbo-charged Pasha and Chelseeeeeeee sped through their routine as if their feet were at risk of catching fire! It was a number that matched serial texter Chelsee’s personality, yet finally seemed to deliver on the technical front as well. Or at least I presume so, because I was too busy trying to keep up with them as they chassed and Charlestoned their way across the floor that it was almost impossible to see what was going on! Maybe, given that Chelsee has been criticised for looking scrappy before, that was the idea. Mistakes are, after all, fine and dandy provided that nobody can see them!

Oh, come on. Who’s the judge most likely to give the first 10 of the series? I could have bet my parent’s house on it being Alesha. Little Harry McFly Judd, having stopped mid-way through the most beautiful and refined Waltz to have a little choreographical smooch on the stairs with Aliona, obviously hit the right spot with Alesha but didn’t quite do it for Len. See, what Craig, Alesha and Bruno might call ‘stair-ography’ Len would call faffing about. He just wants dancing in the way that Arlene wanted raw sex. Stair foreplay doesn’t do it for him. Note to Aliona: if you’re in next week keep away from stairs. Or unicycles. Or anything that takes up 10-15 seconds of time that you might have used in terms of actual dance content. Uncle Len is watching you...

Anita’s still dancing a bit like Mad Mick McMad. As she said herself, she’s so into the performance aspect that the technicals go flying out the window. There was hope: she started off looking a little flummoxed but got increasingly better as the routine got going, and some of the lifts were truly stupendous. I bet Robin is glad that he had a light partner to lift and not Anne Widdecombe! If Anita can just pick up on the footwork then she might make the final half of the contest. Because at the end of the day it’s someone who possesses everything at least to a reasonable level that is going to pick up that glitter ball.

I’m not meaning to sound hyper-critical of Anita: I really like her. She’s better than most and not as good as some. I think that’s a fair assessment of her at the moment. But she has been involved in my favourite Strictly moment of the season so far: the look on her face when Craig gave her an ‘8’ just about had me rolling off my chair with laughter! I have never seen anyone look so utterly shocked in my life!

If there were two parts of Robbie’s anatomy that could speak last week then you wouldn’t be able to shut up either his nose or his groin. His nose would have protested vehemently as it crashed headlong into a camera at the end of the routine, whilst his groin would probably have complained about over-use. I have never seen a jive that contained so many pelvic thrusts! Sure, like Anita the technical side to Robbie’s jive was all over the place but he has abundant energy. He also appears to be going on a ‘journey’ in this contest. And all the nice girls like to see a journey! You know: bolshy sportsman on the field of play, shy little butterfly off it who comes out of his cocoon and spreads his wings...

Oh, hang on. Done that one already.

The image of Russell Grant clutching his teddy (not a euphemism, I assure you) at the end of the tango will live with me for many years. In fact I want a still of it blown up and stuck on my wall. I can’t fault Russell. I mean, other than the footwork and the technique...

Bless the man, he tries. He’s taking it seriously. And there isn’t an inch of him that he doesn’t throw into the routine. I just love his partnership with Flavia. Whilst it goes against my conscience to want the less able dancers to stay in I just can’t help myself because each week Russell puts the biggest smile on my face. Please Britain: keep them in a few more weeks. I can name at least three or four couples I would sooner leave before team Ravia!

*****

And so it was left for poor Rory to give the impression of a man who was sad to leave the show, and one who possibly left a few weeks before he ought. True, he went out doing a dance that perhaps didn’t show him at his best so from that point of view there couldn’t have been many complaints. Yet he brought a lot of fun to Strictly, and so it would be fair to say he will be missed.

Nancy and Anton once more shared the bottom spot. One more week of picking off those left high and dry in the vulnerable spot of the board (three or four from the bottom) and people will start to call her the silent assassin. A bit like Rosa Klebb in ‘From Russia with Love’.

Well, she does seem to like hanging on to Anton’s body using only her legs...

Strictly: Week Three and results show 16/10/11

There’s nothing like a bit of razzle dazzle. Strictly’s attempts to do a Broadway themed evening was by and large more successful than the Halloween malarkey last year, although to be perfectly honest I thought that some of the routines captured the spirit of the enterprise better than others.

Take Dan, for example. Fine looking fella. A bit tall for Katya, if you ask me and as a result his Viennese Waltz to ‘Somebody to Love’ made me feel rather queasy due to the way he bobbed up and down like a storm-tossed galleon. At one point in proceedings I thought it was a case of ‘man overboard’ as he abandoned Katya and walked away...then I realised it was part of the dance. I’m not picking on Katya’s choreography here, but I’m afraid that Dan played it with the emotion of a piece of MDF plywood. I thought he’d done a Di’Angelo and was in search of a stair to sit and have a nervous breakdown on! Was it just me who took a few seconds to realise it was an actual legitimate part of the routine? I’m just not getting any chemistry between the two of them. They look like they get on okay but it seems as if he’s struggling to release his inner dancer, and I’m not sure he’s really enjoying the experience. It must be hard work doing ‘Daybreak’ and ‘Strictly’ so I sympathise, but I do wish he wouldn’t look so pouty and sulky whenever he gets a bad crit.

Bruno said it best, really. Given the passion in the words of the song, Dan didn’t seem to connect that emotion with the steps at all. Freddie 10, Dan 0.

Then on the other side of the fence you have Jason and Anita. I think we can safely say that Jason managed to dance the steps much better than Anita, but both manage to convey how much they love being on the show through their performance. Anita’s jive lacked energy and she didn’t really bend her knees and kick sharply enough, but the effort was fantastic. I like that Robin isn’t afraid to challenge her to do tricky steps, and considering many younger people have struggled with the dance it was to her credit that she managed to (mostly) keep up with her partner. Not a dance disarrrrrrster! But with a bit of luck she’ll get something elegant, sedate and ballroom-related next week to show off her feminine side rather than having to act like a High School cheerleader two weeks in a row! I know, I know...it was based on ‘Hairspray’ and the outfit suited the dance. Not convinced it did Anita any favours though!

Jason’s dance was the pinkest Tango I have ever seen. I have to commend Kristina for her excellent choreography this season. Up until now we’ve either had her trying to be clever to show her not very good partner’s best aspects, such as they were, or cover up their shortcomings, of which there were many. I used to unkindly refer to her as a ‘gusset-flasher’, that is to say someone who over-danced and exaggerated their own abilities to distract from the fact she was dragging her partner across the floor or hiding the fact they were shuffling shamefully from foot to foot like they were treading grapes in a vat. This is the year where, at the very least, Kristina gets to show the fact she is a serious choreographer.

And perhaps, given that this Tango was based on drag-queen movie Pricilla, Queen of the Desert, the little camp disco section in the middle was not as incongruous as it might have been! It was a thoroughly enjoyable routine, danced very well, and I will forgive Jason his weird facial expressions this time as they were clearly part of the whole routine. At least I think they were. If not, that’s one hell of a nervous tick he’s developed over the last few weeks! We’re week three and he’s getting straight 9s already. Things are looking rosy for Mr Donovan at the moment.

Harry’s not looking quite so rosy. At least his complexion isn’t, going by the ghostie white torso we saw all too much of during his ‘jive’ to ‘Grease Lightening’. Couldn’t makeup have given him a once-over with some spray tan? In a world where most dancers have about twenty layers of slap plastered over them poor little Harry stood out like an iceberg against the night sky. Was there ever a more baby-faced, hairlessly-chested Danny Zuko?

My one problem with it was Aliona’s choreography...I thought a jive was supposed to have jive steps in it? It would be interesting to see what percentage of jive was in there, but once again I was left feeling very unsatisfied with the finish product. It was like a badly made doughnut: all hole and no cake. On the upside it was probably the first time that Harry managed to perform the dance and give it some real welly. He acted his little socks off, and whilst I’m not the biggest fan of props the car at the start gave it a real flavour of the number. Nor did he spend much time faffing about to waste time.

Unlike Anton and Nancy. Although she improved on last week’s rag-doll salsa the best thing I could say was that the performance from the chair was very good.

Lulu, clad in a black and white 1960s style negligee (which only needed a few pom poms down the front and a ruff to make her look like a scary pierrot) put in a reasonable effort in her rumba. It was certainly beautiful to watch, but as with Harry there didn’t seem to be an awful lot of the recognised steps amongst the content. Brendan had warned everyone beforehand that the judges might not care for what he had planned, but the all seemed to like it well enough, save for Craig who rightly ticked Brenan off for...wait for it...putting in an illegal lift. Well, colour me surprised. An illegal lift from Brendan. Who’d have thunk it, eh? I mean, it’s not like he’s done it before. Apart from with Clare King. Oh, and Kelly Brook.

Previously, Len went berserk and told Brendan he had a screw loose for putting in illegal lifts. Craig ticked him off for spoiling an otherwise brilliant routine. Bruno said to hell with rules and gave him a 10 anyway. This time, Craig told Brendan he was deducting points for the illegal move as per the rules. Len said “you have to break a lot of eggs to make an omelette” and decided he was going to overlook the lift. Bruno just smiled mischievously to himself.

I know that you don’t want to be knocking Lulu’s confidence when it’s already the size of a microbe but rules are rules, and head judges are supposed to be head judges. A little consistency from Mr Goodman wouldn’t go amiss, methinks! We know Bruno’s barmy anyway so we’ll just ignore him for the time being.

Perhaps we could lock him in the cell with Holly! Resplendent in black Velma Kelly wig and a dress held on merely by the power of prayer you would have to be blind not to agree that Holly won first prize for most striking costume of the night! For once I actually liked the faffing about at the start as I felt it served its purpose as part of the storytelling, and there was genuine dancing involved. I felt however that she lost a little intensity as soon as she got into hold with Artem, and I’m not sure if it was the wig but the head snaps seemed to be slightly out of sync with her partner. The way she pulled the miscreant piece of dress from her stiletto heel deserves a round of applause. I actually didn’t notice it first time round, it was executed with such sleight of hand, but the four witches cackling behind their desks saw it nonetheless.

It’s been said a fair bit by other people but I kind of agree: I like both Artem and Holly, but I’m not sure I like them much together. There doesn’t seem to be much of a spark between them.

Probably something to do with Kara...

I feel like writing a school report for Audley.

Attitude: First class.
Footwork: Could do better.
Hand shaping: Unrecognisable.
Ability to move from the waist down: Compromised.
Engaging with the public: Very good!

He’s such a likeable chap, is Audley. He’s funky, he’s sweet, he’s charming...he’s not terribly confident and sometimes his large feet trip him up, but he always puts everything into it, and I like that. I think however that he desperately needs a little refining to take him up to the next level. If he doesn’t start that soon I recon the judges are going to mark him down and then he’s into dangerous territory.

Chelsee was scrappy again today. I don’t mean as in ‘Scrappy Doo’, although her bounding exuberance on the dance floor does remind me of Odie from Garfield. Somehow I expect her to dance with her tongue lolling out her mouth! She’s a little like Louise Lytton, in that she’s a young, whirling dervish who lights up the floor with her personality and fast footwork. There the similarities end: Louisa was also quite precise and knew how to tell a story through dance. Chelsee isn’t actually acting: she’s being herself (and just dancing as herself). I think this is what’s holding her back at the moment. Until she gets a big, dramatic dance like the tango or the Paso doble I don’t think we’re going to see the best of her.

Rory managed to shine in the capable hands of ballroom expert Erin. He also looked as if he was really enjoying himself on the dance floor. The posture is still a little stiff and hunched, but it seems as if he’s going to be a ballroom boy rather than a hot Latin lover, if his sharp work in the tail suit was anything to go by. You see, much as I have grown to like Erin – especially her clever choreography (dummy dancing apart) – she’s not the best of the Latin dancers out there. I mean, don’t get me wrong - this is how I see Erin’s Latin:

10
9
8 – Erin
7
6
5
4
3
2
Anton

She’s still pretty good. But if you’re skilled mainly in ballroom and you have a celeb who gets all coy and two left-footed when you stick a pink feather down their butt and put them in a rhinestone headband, you’re on a losing bet from the outset. Rory seems confident enough but I think he’ll struggle to look a credible samba dancer. If you don’t feel comfy deep down you won’t be able to express it outwardly. And I’m scared that the persona he adopts to dance the aforesaid samba when the time comes may be John Major. I can do without the image of the former PM in ruffles and tassels...

Still, his face shone with the delight of being able to wear that top hat. His eyes really sparkled with the joy of the dance. And his face resembled a cross between Chris Hollins’ wistful “trout pout” and a man who had spent minutes trying to remove his lips from a frozen ice lolly!

Mum and I came to the conclusion, after a little debate, that James Jordan is actually the most attractive of the male pro dancers. Sister went for Artem, whilst concluding that Pasha was potentially quite hot. The fact that my mother’s taste in men is converging on my own is rather disturbing, given that she is 68. Not as disturbing as that would be for James, however!

Alex seems to be growing in confidence. I say seems: I think most of them are still fairly petrified on show night with the possible exception of Jason. For a woman who couldn’t tell left from right to start with she’s learned a lot in a very few weeks. I have to confess she’s grown on me a little. The VW itself was very slow, very clever and very simple. Kudos to James for the beautiful choreography: there’s not much variation to this dance and making it interesting is a tricky prospect. If you can’t jazz up the steps you have to build the mood instead, and that is what they managed to do.

The man himself did say that sticking on a pair of cat ears and whiskers to dance a Viennese Waltz to ‘Memories’ from Cats would probably be inappropriate, and of course he’s right, but dammit; I wanted to see it! Sure it’d kill the mood stone dead but frankly I don’t care. I suppose at least they didn’t raise their tails to the lamppost...

Robbie’s dance was also impressive, although I think I preferred the previous week’s effort. Maybe it’s a tribute to how good I thought his dance last Saturday was that I came away from this Saturday’s smiling, yet slightly underwhelmed. I very much enjoyed what he did, although I think I spotted a few recycled moves from Ola’s Paso with Kenny Logan a few series back. I think Robbie’s beginning to enjoy this dancing malarkey! Typical sportsman. Stays in a few weeks having felt all self-conscious and girly, then suddenly they get their eyes on the main prize and – bingo! It’s as if they’ve had a sequin transfusion!

Oh, and Mr Savage: the hair looks much better tied back. Also, Mr Goodman won’t nag you half as much if you keep it drawn away from the nape of your neck. Makes it so much easier for the judges to stick their fangs in...

Russell was accused by Craig of being too camp with his foxtrot, which was slightly ironic, yet I do know what he meant. However, I thought it worked! It wasn’t sprinkled liberally throughout the whole dance, and the section that had the, shall we say less butch, aspects to it appeared totally in keeping with the theatricality of the whole show-biz infused evening. Dazzling in white with a little touch of yellow, Russell did resemble a peach meringue somewhat, but I’m really enjoying his partnership with Flavia. It seems that although he’s not the best dancer Flavia has taught he may well be the most enthusiastic and least self-conscious: Russell doesn’t give a damn who thinks he’s too camp, or too large. He’s having too much fun to care. And that is infectious!

I wasn’t surprised by the bottom two. I wasn’t surprised by who went either. Nor can I say I was upset by it.

Dan or Nancy? I mean, you’d have to say that Nancy has been worse than Dan each time they’ve danced. Thing is, one is uncomfortable to watch whilst the other at least you can shake your head at as you count the number of times she goes wrong! I’m not one for saving the no-hopers but if you put a water pistol to my head and asked me who entertained me most on the night I would have to honestly say that Nancy did! I just didn’t get Dan...I didn’t feel he connected with dancing very much. Nor did I get the impression he was enjoying the Strictly experience. I may be totally wrong, but that’s how it looked most of the time.

And you can be sure that at the very least Nancy is loving the publicity!

Strictly: Week Two and results show 09/10/11

Anita Dobson poses in her salsa costume. The things you have to do on Strictly...


Chapter the second: in which Craig didn’t get his head bashed in by Audley, Robbie underwent a transformation, Lulu recovered her memory and Nancy...didn’t.

I’m never sure how the powers that be decide who dances in what order. I like to think it’s done more or less by couples pulling out a number from a cloth bag, you know: like in the world cup. I do find it slightly suspicious that they rolled out (no pun intended) the delightful Russell Grant at the very end. If ever there was a case of keeping the ‘show-stopper’ until the end, that was surely it! And then, back in the glory days of 2006, I think I can only ever recollect Mark & Karen going first on one occasion. Luck of the draw? Or the powers that be saving the best ‘til last?

First up then was Chelsee. Lordy, Pasha is patient. I’d have flushed that mobile phone of hers down the nearest loo. It isn’t Strictly Come Texting, me’ dearie! That said, for someone who the VTs are making out has an attention span of a hamster, she did rather well – again! There is something very natural about Chelsee’s dancing, in that it definitely comes from within and isn’t forced. It’s just that her natural bubbliness makes it difficult to restrain herself. I suppose if there’s a dance to go wild and have fun in then the salsa’s the one, but even salsa’s need to look fluid and controlled to an extent. There’s a difference between fun and barking mad, and at times Chelsee definitely teetered into deranged territory! The carwash trousers probably didn’t help, although I rather liked them. I’m sure Bruce called her a little ‘swizzle stick’; although frankly she reminded me more of a wire bottle brush...

Score: 29 out of 40. A fair mark for a fair dance. Hopefully Len’s lower extremities were suitably warmed by that salsa!

Ah, the lovely Vincento! And the, er...former MP otherwise known as Edwina. Now, our Vincent’s not daft. He knows the score. If Strictly was a horse race the betting would indicate she was a 100-1 outsider, whereas in reality she would be the game old plodder who breaks its leg prior to reaching the starting line. Edwina is not going to be winning this. Not a hope in Hades. And a less suspicious person than myself might think that Vincent was actually praying for a merciful elimination by doing exactly what Len hates: that is to say ‘faffing around’ at the start: a criticism aimed squarely at Anton last week shortly after boa-gate. If a pro gives a celeb a substantial amount of time-wasting with Uncle Len’s warning still ringing in everyone’s ears, it means either that the celeb can’t cope with anything other than simple choreography or he/she is desperate for the chop.

Vincent is a competitor at the end of the day, so I’m not sure why he thought ‘hang it; let’s play footsy under the table’ for 30 seconds and pfffft to the judges’. Edwina knew it as well, when they were picked up on it. What we were left with was a lot of non-dancing, a few seconds of foxtrot in hold, and the rest was fairly unmemorable. The judges, Len apart (who did mention the faffing about as anticipated), could have been a lot more critical. Maybe it would be as well if they were knocked out. At least it’s better than having Edwina trying to flirt with you.

Score: 19 out of 40. I think the judges were being kind. Except for Alesha, who appears to have taken a bitchiness pill tonight with her remarks! Justified? Well...probably!

Maybe someone had a discreet word in Craig’s ear, or maybe the dancing was of a higher standard this week, but for some reason the panel’s most accurate-scoring judge decided to temper his criticisms with a few words of encouragement for just about everyone. As a result Audley decided not to use the two concrete blocks at the end of his wrists and Mr Revel-Horwood’s nose remains a recognisable shape on his face.

I like Audley a lot. Like a lot of big men, however, he seems to struggle with the Latin dances, at least if this salsa is anything to go by. That’s not to say that powerful, tall chaps can’t be graceful or elegant, but it is more difficult to sell the faster dances if you’re built like a sequoia. Or shake your hips like you’ve been hewn from one using a blunt axe. There were bits in it I liked and it certainly wasn’t an unmitigated disaster: he sells his dancing well enough, and that big, magical smile definitely suggested he was enjoying being out on the dance floor. Having said that, whilst his upper body was fairly jiggling away like a good thing, and at times his lower body did too (although for the most part his hips looked as if they’d been superglued), the whole thing failed to work in tandem. The ‘Bionic Man’ run in the middle section was fairly awful as well. It would be a ten for effort, but in reality I wouldn’t have given it more than a six over all.

Score: 23 out of 40. Again, about right. If he’s still there next week those impressively large feet are going to have to be less flat, or the judges will pounce. Well, metaphorically speaking. In actuality they’ll be giving their critiques whilst cowering behind the desk...

I don’t think Mr Prescott was too worried about Alex Jones’ top line when she swished her way over to the audience, sat on his lap and planted a hot pink smacker on his cheek! I should perhaps clarify this by saying that it was part of the routine. What people get up to with politicians in their spare time is entirely their business and nobody else’s! This was much, much better from the Welsh presenter. She gave a complete performance: it was actually one of the few routines of the evening that genuinely conveyed the ability to tell a story through dance. Okay, so I’m channelling Arlene a tad there, but the point still stands. If she has the confidence to sell a dance like that then perhaps the week one nerves have been vanquished, and that can only stand her in good stead. But technically it was a bit wonky. Posture went slightly awry, and the top line fell to pieces increasingly as the dance went on. That said, if they stay in then James should be able to help sort that out. Even if it means upping the electrocution sessions.

Score: 29 out of 40. A respectable week two score. She looks so much more at ease in hold than when she is on her own in the Latin, looking like a demented air traffic controller.

A word about lifts. Apparently they are now allowed in the salsa. I have a bit of a problem with this, as they can break up the flow of the dance if they’re not executed with precision. Now, Dan is a big powerful chap. Not quite as big or powerful as Audley, but he can swing a girl around quite impressively. The problem for me with Dan’s salsa was that it looked as if it was learned in sections, performed on the night in sections, joined by the odd lift here and there, and appearing laboured and bitty as a result. Nothing was smooth or fluid. The hips were, for the most part, absent without leave. And the firing squad, er, judges, were inclined to agree.

Ah, Craig. How I do love thee sometimes! ‘Lumpestuous’ was his self-coined assessment of Dan’s dancing ability as far as the salsa went. Brilliant!

Score: 21 out of 40. I was going to say that it should have been less, but given that Edwina managed 19 and her ‘effort’ was far worse I guess it’s an accurate mark.

This week the Martians returned Lulu’s memory. Now, if they could transfer some confidence and a tiny bit of ability she might get somewhere! Seriously, I think Lulu is struggling a bit. I guess some people find dancing more natural than others (said she who moves like an arthritic octopus), and whilst Brendan doesn’t appear to be anything other than supportive I can’t help but think someone like Daren Bennett, had he still been on the show, would have been a better match. Whilst Lulu stumbled about clinging on for dear life, and Brendan gamely attempted to steer her around the room, she did manage to somehow convey a certain whimsical quality. In other words, there was just about enough storytelling to keep the thing from becoming car crash material. Good on them both. After last week it would have been so easy to go to pieces, and she didn’t.

Scores: 25 out of 40. Dreadful over-marking from Bruno and Alesha, but it may just help to give Lulu some confidence. If she stays in, that is.

Holly seems to have the arm placement and the hands sorted out, and it’s only week two. Artem’s obviously schooled her prodigiously on that! I can only make the same observation this week about Holly’s salsa as I did for her cha cha cha; the routine is fab, she dances it well, and yet there’s something missing from it. I think the love of dancing isn’t quite being conveyed through her eyes and her smile. There’s no sparkle to her. I’m sure it will come, given the chance. I can’t see her going anywhere soon. In some respects she reminds me of Rachel Stevens a few years back. The talent is there, but there’s something holding her back. If you could somehow distil Chelsee’s sense of fun into Holly, and Holly’s refinement into Chelsee, you’d have a complete dancer. It’ll be interesting to see which of them makes the most improvement respectively, but at this stage I agree with Alesha. You can’t put in what’s not there, but you can polish what is. For all Holly’s skill, I am actually enjoying Chelsee’s dancing more at this moment in time.

Scores: 30 out of 40. Not bad!

Rory Bremner’s impression of Sir Sean Connery is ssshertainly sshomething, but the Scottish bravado didn’t quite transfer to the dance floor. There was some mad dancing, a little bad dancing, and a fair amount of dad dancing. Yet it was somehow impossible not to enjoy it! Well, what I saw of it through splayed fingers. I thought it was more fun than Dan’s effort, and slightly less laboured than Audley’s, but it did complete an otherwise unmemorable trio of male salsas. But wait, what’s this? Do I hear the same music used by Matt Di Angelo and Flavia a few years back?

Craig didn’t care for it, He’s probably sore that Rory’s not impersonated him yet.

Scores: 22 out of 40. Better than Dan, some way below Audley. Things could get sticky if people don’t pick up the phone.

*Blows trumpet fanfare* And, ladies and gentlemen, the award for most improved celebrity dancer goes to...Robbie Savage!

Maybe I just go for shy dudes. Robbie had a reputation on the field of play, being a somewhat competitive bloke, for being a slightly dirty player. Of living up to his name, you might say. Certainly as the show progresses and if he’s still in it at halfway that competitive spirit will serve him in good stead. At the moment he’s still finding his feet, but given last week’s critical mauling he seems to have taken the judges advice and used it. Ola too managed to come up with an entertaining routine that showed Robbie off to his best advantage, unlike the previous week’s attempt. It was a very smooth, elegant, showy routine and once again this was a case of a celeb getting a hook – or in this case an umbrella – on the character and inhabiting that persona.

A vast improvement. Only Len is going to demand the hair be chopped, you can tell. He nagged Ramps about it and compared to him Robbie is sporting locks that Barbie would be proud of!

Scores: 29 out of 40. I actually enjoyed it more than Holly’s salsa, and that’s saying something because to me the Foxtrot is the equivalent of dance tapioca. That’s not to say it’s meant to have lumps: merely that I find it unappealing.

Oh dear. Wardrobe department controversy! Anita looks as if she’s channelling Bertie Bassett. What on earth is that poor woman wearing?!? Seriously, it’s like Cruella De Ville meets the Kandyman from Dr Who!!! And as for Robin...is anyone missing their favourite Dalmatian?

Now, I love Anita. I’m not saying she can’t do Latin because I think the jury’s out on that until she does some more. I think she’ll be okay on the Paso Doble. Not so sure about the Samba or the Cha Cha Cha. She seemed to have a few timing issues during a quite fast routine to one of my favourite pieces of music, care of Mr Belafonte. I said it could look like mad Auntie Marjory after electric shock treatment and, to be honest, it’s kind of what we got. Slightly scruffy, a bit ragged, yet lots of fun. The judges saw something in it they liked; I expected them to be a lot pickier. I think Anita did as well going by the look of trepidation on her face.

Maybe they gave her a few points for having the guts to go on stage looking like she was Wurzel Gummidge’s beloved Aunt Sally.

Scores: 28 out of 40. Could’ve been worse. Next week I hope the costumiers give her something really glam to wear.

Jason Donovan. A born performer; talent honed with years spent in musical theatre. And at the end of the day if you can perform daily to thousands live you probably have a chance at being able to sell a dance to an audience of however many hundred. And he did it with some style and energy: it was absolutely wonderful. There are moments when he briefly seems to come out of the dance and lose control of his facial expressions though, which is a tad weird, especially as it gives him the appearance of looking utterly perplexed and startled. And as for Kristina’s Jessica Rabbit dress: I want it! Well, I want to hang it up in the wardrobe and look at it...I wouldn’t get one leg in it.

Scores: 33 out of 40. A worthy score.

If ever a dance could scare, it’s Anton doing the salsa. Add Nancy to the mix and you have the biggest Fright Night recipe. Apart from Nancy’s attempts to shake her tush at the start everything else went as wrong as it possibly could...I didn’t think anything would surpass Anton’s dreadful attempt at the salsa with Kate Garroway but boy, oh boy: this eclipsed it and then some! Now, it’s easy to criticise from the safety of your comfy sofa whilst the poor celebs are being humiliated for the discerning public, and I applaud each and every one of them for having the courage to get up on the dance floor, watched by millions of people each week. That said, poor Nancy isn’t helping herself. If she doesn’t display a little humility her journey’s going to be a mighty short one. Unless the sadistic barstewards keep voting her in...

Beautiful some might consider Nancy to be, but she’s not a natural dancer. In that I sympathise. But that’s sort of where my sympathy ends. Look at Russell! See how much he loves it! The smile on his face when he goes out to dance is not put on, even although he’s not the best! And somehow, rather than feeling sorry for herself, Nancy’s got to take it on the chin like a trooper. Sportsmen and women take criticism and use it to improve themselves. They don’t bleat on about poorly legs. Blimey, Bill Turnbull’s foot was almost septic and he danced on! What is poor Nancy going to be like in the unlikely event she gets to the end of the contest? I think Anton will be begging for death...

Having danced with the grace of an elephant seal shot out of a canon, missed steps, messed up their timing and generally looked like they were taking part in a mud wrestling contest, the judges were in no mood to be kind to Anton and Nancy. Alesha got her claws out once again and asked if the routine was meant to be funny, or if it just appeared that way. As you might guess it didn’t go down well with Nancy.

Scores: 14 out of 40. Bruno said it set new records for a routine having the most mistakes in it, and Anton looked like he wished he still had that feather boa to strangle Nancy with.

Smiling doesn’t seem to come naturally to Harry, which is a pity because he looks like a deeply thoughtful, if overwrought young man. I’m sure off set he’s the life and soul of the party, but the concentration he’s putting in means that you can almost see his brain whirling with each and every step. And those steps are fine, but everything seems so reserved and considered. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: get the acting coach in pronto. That was a beautiful Foxtrot, but it only made me want to put a blanket on his shoulders and give the poor waif a hug!
Not to mention one of those plastic collars that they put round cats to stop them scratching. It might help him to keep his eyes up!

Scores: 27 out of 40. Maybe a tad under marked? I bet Aliona won’t take it to heart. She doesn’t listen to the judges anyway.

Ah, the wonder that is Russell Grant! Entertainment in one larger than life parcel! You can say what you like about Russell; he’s having so much fun. Strictly is all about entertaining the public and Russell does exactly that. Whilst I’m not sure how many weeks the public can take of seeing him shake his hips around to camp Abba numbers, if he can show some genuine improvement along with him having a good time, there’s no reason why he can’t keep getting through.

And if you thought the cha cha cha was camp, take a look at the salsa on YouTube! How much fun did Flavia look like she was having?!?

Scores: 25 out of 40. Probably about right, although when you compare it to Lulu and Brendan’s effort which received the same score I feel tempted to demand a recount!

And so, in the end, it was goodbye Edwina. She didn’t want to go. Vincent looked sad too, although I bet there was a small part of him that was relieved. He said he hadn’t expected to have fun with a politician.

Better not comment!

***

Vincent on It Takes Two admitted he was devastated to be out the show and thought he may have made the wrong choice of choreography from a story telling point of view. I don't care whether it was true or not: I just wanted to hug him! Bless!

Strictly: Week One-ish

I say week one-ish because I'm writing this on the eve of the first knock-out, before the couples tackle their second dances. This is a retrospective look back at everyone's first attempts: the good, the bad and the completely 'spatulistic', to quote a certain double-barrelled judge on the panel. So, here we are again. Fourteen celebs and fourteen pro-dancers. Tonight, one couple goes home.

Actually, most likely Anton and Nancy will go home.

I’m not in the habit of trying to predict who gets the boot each week: I have had some success in coming up with the winner just by watching them walk down the stairs for the first time (80% strike rate: check me out!) but it does seem a tad cruel to guess who the public have taken an instant dislike to. And let’s face it: an awful lot of Strictly is about whom the public like/detest/want to do unspeakable things to in a dark Argentinean alleyway. Sure, it’s primarily about dancing but you could be as twinkle-toed as Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers; if you have the popular appeal of Genghis Khan and Margaret Thatcher you ain’t going to be making the final...

Now, it could be after last week that folks at home feel sorry for self-styled Italian siren Nancy thingy whose name begins with ‘D’, a woman who is best known for once being the other half of a former England footie manager. Having being viciously attacked by a mint-green feather boa repeatedly throughout her dance Nancy looked as if she needed a little sit down on a chaise lounge for, say, thirty five seconds.

Oh, wait. That happened at the start of the routine, didn’t it?

And of course, there’s Lulu. A divisive figure at best. Probably the best known of the ‘celebs’ on show this year, Lulu has a habit of making people want to shout, as her song title suggested. And then scream, and throw things at the telly. She doesn’t offend me personally, and she did keep on performing after the invisible alien mind-wipe that occurred at the start of her cha cha cha with Brendan. Thing is, after the Martians stole her memory we were left with Mr Bean trying to waggle his hips drunkenly at a wedding...

I don’t know who I feel sorrier for: Brendan or Lulu. But of course the British public like doing weird things, such as keeping in people who have as much rhythmic timing as Jake the Peg. It’s the modern equivalent of going to a Victorian Circus. ‘Celebrity Freak Pointing!’ Roll up; roll up and see the uncoordinated, two left-footed rabbit in headlights and her amazingly hairy chested partner! So, with all this in mind there is a very real chance that someone else might go tonight.

Not much chance of it being Jason Donovan; a serious, hard working man whose smile and eyebrows appear to work in tandem. It was an impressive start from the former Neighbours star. He at least knows where his hips are, and how to use them, even if he does at times resemble the lovechild of a startled bushbaby and Stan Laurel. No wonder Christina was pleased! She just about got more points in that first dance with Jason than she did in her previous efforts with John Sergeant and current squeeze Joe Calzaghe put together...

I predicted Jason would win, by the way. If it was down to people I really like rather than going solely for dancing I would be cheering Anita Dobson on (a brilliant actress married to a brilliant musician), but no; this year I think Christina may finally get to show what she can do, without resorting to dragging her partner across the floor like a sack of King Edward potatoes.

Poor ickle Vinthent. Edwina gave it a go last week in the cha cha cha, but her dance didn’t ‘curry’ favour with the judges. I love Vincent, but in order to stop Brucie from inflicting us with hot and spicy jokes it might be a blessed relief if Edwina went first. Politicians have to be funny or amusingly bad at dancing to merit the public voting for them, and as Edwina is neither (she just appears to be a game old bird dancing as if she had been caught with her pants on her head in the old folks home) it’s probably not going to be enough. The Tories are watching the pennies at the moment and I can’t see any of them redialling Edwina’s number.

And then there’s Russell Grant, god love him: a man who infused his cha cha cha with Danny La Rue whilst channelling Little Bow Peep! Russell’s not afraid of a sequin or two. But don’t think that because he’s this year’s comedy act elect that he can’t bust some moves: he has already displayed theatricality alien to John Sergeant, and some timing to boot. I can see Russell going on for as long as his Aquarian exhibitionist side appeals to the public.

And the others? Well, there’s the obligatory sportsmen. Audley ‘gentle giant’ Harrison, who danced in the way you would imagine a gentle giant might: at turns elegant and sophisticated yet somehow looking like Shrek wearing Doc Martins. There’s Robbie ‘the hooded man’ Savage, dressed for his cha cha cha in a costume you’d expect to see on someone throwing a brick through a department store window whilst going for ‘a night out on the rob’. Poor man: he stomped and menaced his way through the dance whilst Ola wiggled around to cover up the fact that she hadn’t really given him very much to do. It didn’t work: the judges got wise to that ploy years ago.

Dan Lobb is supposed to be this year’s eye candy. I expected him to be awful: and actually he wasn’t. But there is something fundamentally uncomfortable about watching a female dancer risking serious spinal injury and potential neck dislocation just in order to make eye contact with her partner, and the difference in height between he and Katya makes me think that she’s going to get very well acquainted with the TV frontman’s navel this year. Okay, slight exaggeration. But look at it this way: GMTV presenters have turned out to be uniformly rubbish on Strictly. History has set an unfortunate precedent which hopefully Mr Lobb will be able to cast aside.

Well, at least until he’s booted off halfway in the show.

Holly started well, if nervously. As did young Harry Judd of McFly fame. I’m not sure how young Harry is, but when he was first paired with Aliona he appeared so frightened at the prospect of dancing he looked as if he were about to put his hand up to ask Bruce if he could be excused to go to the toilet! Either way, at least his mum allowed him out for the evening to perform a slightly vapid cha cha cha. By that I mean it was technically well executed but there seemed to be a vital spark missing from it, and I can see the acting coach on standby to help him ‘do a Matt Dawson’. Which I guess means he’ll come second.

Of course, we should also make mention of the fact that Harry is a total Ramps fan-boy. This is a good thing for the show, as it means we have a small chance of seeing Mr Ramprakash in the audience at some point. Sod the dancing. We have to wait over one hundred and fifty days to the start of the 2012 cricket season, and we want something to keep us going. Five second close ups in the audience may not go a long way but they’ll do!

Anita is lovely. I’m sure a lot of people on the forums are enjoying her brilliant partnership with ‘Bobby’ aka Robin. Certainly her waltz looked extremely good for a first performance, and if she was nervous she didn’t show it. If she manages to be reasonable at the Latin dances and doesn’t resemble everybody’s mad Auntie Marjory after electric shock treatment, then I can see Anita making it to the latter stages of the show.

I’m one of the people who like James Jordan. A lot of people seem to either love or hate him. He did brilliantly with Pamela, was unfortunate not to progress in the competition with both Zoe and Gabby, and tried his best with slightly un-coordinated Georgina. New partner Alex seems like a nice girl, but nice girls don’t win Strictly. They have to show an abundance of personality, like Alesha and Kara, or be outstanding technically, like Jill. Or have the public feel sorry for them because their partner sometimes comes across as a bit of a big-head (not mentioning names). Alex has to work on both her dancing and her personality or else she is doomed to make it to the midway stage before people remember she’s there, and then kick her out.

Rory Bremner’s a nice guy as well. But at least he looks as if show-biz comes a little more naturally to him. He performed a more than adequate waltz last week but I could almost hear the ghost of Arlene wailing through the BBC TV centre, bemoaning his sticking-out bottom, and wanting to smack it back into place! With so many characters to draw upon Rory should at least be able to tell a story with his dancing. Let’s hope it’s not the story of how Spoony got kicked off early in series 4.

Oh yes, there’s the other one. It’s like that scene in the Sound of Music where Maria can’t remember Kurt’s name. The one that’s trying to get the attention whilst not being as popular as the good looking, older sibling. Chelseeeeeeeeeeeeee! That’s it! Surprisingly enough, Chelsee wasn’t actually that bad. The dance did get a bit mad at the end. The hair was, sweetie-darling, like something out of Ab-Fab. I worried it was going to fly off and land on new boy Pasha’s head.

Still, a promising start. Waterloo Road fans may vote for her: fans of Pasha may vote for him. People averse to large, heaving bosoms may be glad that Strictly isn’t available in 3D...

So, that was last week. This week the scores get added to what has gone before, and then it’s over to the public. No dance-off. Just phone power, and the magic of the redial button.

And so, may the most obsessive fans win!

A love letter to BBC sports internet coverage

I can’t believe that the BBC is seriously thinking of doing away with its local radio sporting coverage as of 2013. It seems on the face of it complete insanity.

It has been a possibility for some time now, given the need for the BBC to keep trimming back. Now with the huge edicts imposed by the Conservative government, dear old Auntie Beeb is preparing to do more than trim. As a result there is a very real danger that the county cricket commentaries we all know and love will be one of the casualties.

First and foremost, there’s the issue of people losing their jobs. We shouldn’t lose sight of this amongst our own personal dismay at the possibility of not being able to keep up with the action on a ball-by-ball basis. Secondary to this, there’s the overwhelming feeling of being suddenly cut off not just from the sport we love but from the on-line community that has built up over the years. It really has become more than just a network of like-minded fans but almost a little family of our own, all brought together through being able to listen to the games via the internet. It may be melodramatic to use the word ‘heartbreaking’, but it does feel potentially like the end of something very, very special that just can’t be replaced.

Cricket coverage has been marginalised for years on terrestrial television. The redoubtable Test Match Special on the radio has continued to serve those who follow cricket at the highest level, but unless you have access to Sky you’re particularly screwed if you want to follow any county cricket at all. There seems to be a general feeling of ‘county cricket isn’t important,’ or ‘people only want to watch the national game’. Well, tell that to the supporters of county cricket, to whom the excellent internet coverage is a godsend. You may think that there aren’t many when you look round the near-empty stands during a four day game, but statistics don’t always tell the full story.

In my case I support Surrey. But I can’t just click my fingers and find myself in Kennington. There’s over three hundred miles between my home and London: nipping on a bus to catch an afternoon’s play is not an option. In fact the Oval may as well be on the moon as far as I am concerned. This is where the county cricket commentaries are invaluable. And it’s not just me: there are dedicated followers all over the world who are even less able to make the journey than I am.

Then there are the people who are not physically able to visit the Oval: those who are virtually housebound through reasons of illness or infirmity. Watching the numbers change on CricInfo is hardly a substitute for hearing the action. Add to the fact that the quality of the commentaries/standard of coverage is second to none and the idea that such a fine output from the BBC might be done away with seems nonsensical.

It might seem a difficult battle to fight and ultimately it may prove a futile one, but if enough people make their voices heard then perhaps we may yet keep our internet sports coverage. Put it this way: we can’t afford to lose it.

Once it’s gone, we’re never going to get it back.